After Edna had gone home,her neighbours Mary and Annie had to vacuum the carpet where Edna had knocked over a box of biscuits of a crumbly nature and then trodden on them Edna is hard to relate to,said Annie warmly I wonder if she will get easier as time goes on? You mean you are going to ask her again? I’ve not decided,Mary told her.It is a lot of effort in winter. Suppose she asks us over to her place,Annie wondered We’ll have to see how we feel.I suppose it would be interesting to look at her furniture and see if she has lots of books,Mary said If we go and borrow a book, don’t pencil in your comments down the side of the page As if I would! Mary said indignantly.I only do that to my own Just sayin’ ,Annie replied Did you like her purple coat? I think it doesn’t go with red hair but who cares? I’d wear yellow even if I looked sick That seem stupid,Mary cried anxiously In the dark of winter it means drivers can see you. I suppose so.. yes, quite a wise idea.But one rarely sees a yellow coat in a shop. I think you can get them in shops that sell sailing gear,Annie mumbled Since we are right in the middle of England, there are none here.We’ll have to go to Orford,Mary warned her Where’s that,Annie asked? Not far from Aldeburgh,Mary said knowingly It’s too far to go in a day in winter,Annie decided How many miles is it? About 159.468 each way That is 319.435 miles altogether So if we go at 60 mph it takes 5.3333 hours And at 50 mph it takes 6.4 hours 40 mph would be 8 hours 10 mph would take 32 hours plus a break 2 mph would be 160 hours
at 0.5 mph I tbink its 640 hours
Well that is that.We can’t go it would be nearly 24 days nonstop
Just get a black coat and wear a yellow hat
After all that counting, they fell asleep until Emile came home with some mice
Mary and Annie had invited a new neighbour for tea.They got out the big teapot and some blue cups and saucers made of china Is there enough milk,Annie enquired? Yes,I’ve got six pints, my finger must have trembled when I was ticking the box for the order Milk keeps much longer now than it used to Annie cried plaintively Maybe the cows are given preservatives .Mary mused You mean the cows eat them,Annie asked? Well, it’s just one possibility,Mary thought out loud Now, where shall Edna sit? You sit on the sofa with her and I’ll sit in this swivelling chair OK,Annie muttered as she shook the door mat and brushed Emile the cat The doorbell rang.There stood Edna in a purple wool coat and red hat Come in,Mary whispered.Let me take your coat Edna went and sat down by Annie while Mary carried in the tea tray Have you had your vaccination yet, she asked Edna gently Oh, don’t talk about it,I can’t bear injections Edna said in an argumentative manner So don’t you have blood tests,is that wise? For God’s sake, don’t mention blood ever or I’ll scream Are you afraid of it? I don’t want to discuss it, nor urine, Edna said as she swigged the tea and filled her cup again I’ll be glad when Donalld Trump leaves,Annie said in an effort to change the subject Why don’t people like him,Edna asked furtively. He is a rich man with a beautiful wife I don’t like people merely because they are rich.Mary informed the ladies I don’t mind them, said Annie, unless they are vulgar, greedy, liars, and sons of the devil That is a very prejudiced view,Edna told her.Everyone is entitled to behave exactly how they want Well,Annie said,I’d like to lie down on the grass over there by the river and have sex with that psychotherapist who lives across the road But it would cause scandal unless lots of people did the same Has your imagined lover got no bed,Mary teased her? I think that’s disgusting , in a an older woman said Edna.I suppose that’s why you have that teal eyeshadow and mascara on not to mention your rose lipstick.I’ve seen it in Harrods I got them in Channel supplies in Birkenhead.They are near the Mersey Tunnel It’s a long way to go,said Edna.How do you get there and why is it nor called Tunnel Supplies I follow a man on Facebook and he often drives up there so I get my car out and keep behind him all the way on the M1 etc Does he know about this? No, he’s not following me on FB any more I wonder why that is, Edna mused with a strange sneer He is paranoid,I suspect No wonder,Mary said.He thinks he is imagining you. I hope his imagination is as pure as the driven snow,Annie answered Well, we’ll never know.Look at Princess Diana….she had many lovers.. I hate her, said Edna viciously Oh,dear. said Mary.Did she hurt you? No, she was cruel to Prince Charles.Her mind was innocent then and she had no repertoire of the sexual arts Many women were virgins when they were single.How would they know such mysteries? They could look at porn,Edna said rudely.. Do you look at porn, Annie asked her kindly? Well,I would if I had a lover,Edna murmured shyly Maybe they should teach it instead of algebra,Mary suggested, though once it was an instinct The parents might be angry,Edna said sadly if their children knew more than them But intimacy is not merely sex,Annie told them politely It’s being able to to reveal yourself to the other person without fear and I don’t mean wearing see through nighties Emile mewed loudly Mother, don’t you wear one.The milkman might see your body I find them too cold anyway,Mary giggled sensibly If I get another man he will have to like wincyette or fleece Well,good luck, said Edna.No English man would want either of you Edna you are very rude,What is wrong with you? I’ve got pre-traumatic stress disorder and there is no cure Well,use your common sense or just keep quiet and sulk silently And so say all of us.
Dear PM David Cameron I am a very intelligent and creative woman. Hence I wonder daily why your face has no expression on it;I must confess since the vote on Syria last year you have looked a bit bothered now and then and no doubt Gaza and Israel have entered your gaze as well as all the other Middle Eastern States
.But blankness seems your favourite look.Watch out or an artist may paint a sign on youi
Danger:Please stalk on the grass
Danger:Trespassers will be parsed and printed.
I am writing to complain.There are many magpies,wood pigeons and other such creatures all living for free in the garden here.And think of the ones in the woods.None of them are taxed,yet they get free board and lodging,. And moreover we have hundreds of worms here which could surely be made to work.I know it’s hard to tell them apart but all those civil servants who read Modern Greats at Toxicford must have a few ideas. I think if worms don’t work we should mince them and make meat pies out of them… and wood pigeons… that makes me salivate. Those who won’t work shall be turned into food.The Chinese eat dogs… you catch my drift. Hard solutions for hard times, to warm an old cliche. I do feel that all living creatures should pay rent.Birds who live in a garden with more than one tree must be made to see how unfair this is.I am unsure what language they speak… maybe Hebrew as they were in Eden once. Oh,those lazy days,eating fruit and sunbathing.And sinning without guilt. Did you know Adam and Eve were unmarried,by the way! Well,it’s bad for us to be happy so I’m counting on you to pulverize nature in all manifestations. Why,,worms are a total waste of time.Get rid of them.Send them back where they came from. Even as I write worms may be tunnelling under the British Channel from France.We can’t let them dwell in our soil. And in the Spring you must stop birds migrating here.Why some come from the Congo.Surely that’s not morally justifiable Hoping my ideas will be balm to your ears.And try to get more of an expression on your face.You are like an empty canvas without Jackson Pollock and his tins of Dulux Yours truly Demabella Dodd [ M.A.Oxen]
P.S.What about cats? They sleep 20 hours a day.They could rid us of more vermin.. need I say more?
Shall we go to the Crematorium We’ll nice and warm Do they have a restaurant Will it do us harm? We can’t go shopping in Swansea We’ll save lots of cash Even Cardiff is locked down It’s no place for the rash The Brecon Beacons are over-run Despite the cold and snow I asked my husband to marry me But he said,I don’t know Are we still married when he is gone Where the Light will glow? He can come in my dreams again Kneading the new batch of dough Last night I dreamed of a murder I prefer a kiss. don’t you know? My anger seems to increase these days So I’m teaching my cat how to sew
Rainer Maria Rilke “Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Cats delight me,hiding in my bed Running down the stairs, with backturned head Jumping up to catch a butterfly Tickling me as on my couch I lie. In my dream I saw them, fifty five One was in the bath ,I nearly cried Everywhere I went cats followed me Pied Piper of the felines I shall be Remember Blythburgh church floodlit and fine The owners of the cottage drew few lines .They had seven cats, all Siamese How could even God compete with these? The Church, a small Cathedral of the Marsh Kept cats in their own place which I thought harsh For cannot cats join in to sing the hymns Christmas Carols, Requiems, a sin? The cats were leaping on me in my dream Wanting a large ball and lots of cream Full of life and humour they live well Scratching my new sofa, ringing bells If I dream of happy cats I wake The sky is blue and I make no mistakes
White clouds bounced like beach balls on the sands Above the ridge of Rivington we saw Here in this green place, noone is damned White clouds bounced like beach balls on the sands Tossed up in the air by unseen hands Free at last away from mills and pans The old stone barn,I felt compelled to draw Through the stile I saw a waterfall White clouds bounced like beach balls on the sands Above the ridge of Rivington and all.
And now,Mrs Mary Tan, will you tell the Judge and Jury what you were doing at 6.45 pm? I was doing the Times Super Fiendish Crossword Puzzle no 76 But why would that stop you answering the door? Er,I had stomach ache Do you find Su Doku a cure? No,I only wish I did.I see how many puzzles I can solve while in the bathroom What is the average Three What is the range? From 1 to 5.I am afraid I don’t know the standard deviation What is the most ever Five.I am hoping they will make some harder ones So you heard the bell ring.You were upstairs.Could nobody answer the door? I suppose Emile might but the lock is too high Who is Emile? Is he your Lover No, he is my cat. Can he speak English? Well,I think so.Why don’t you come round and see him? I have no time. So you cleaned the floor and made the bed Then I set to work on Dirac’s Equation Does Dirac mind? Why should he mind? He is dead. Oh I hoped to see him. You must go to a Seance then So you were lost in thought when a magpie tapped on the window Correct What does it mean? It wanted a mince pie. But who had been knocking on the door Another magpie Are you sure? No.It could have been a Crow Well, that’s all the questions I have for this person.My Lord Next witness please Hello,I am Mrs Magpie You are human! I believe so