Hello Mary. what are you doing today? There stood a vision dressed in a teal jumpsuit it was Annie, Stan’s mistress,[ when he was alive.] Quite what her status as a former mistress can be is unknown,but she remained on friendly terms with Mary ;she had helped Mary a good deal while she was grieving,mainly by being present yet undemanding not to mention making frequent cups of tea and putting out the washing
I’m going to stay with the Pope in Rome ,Mary cried out from her pink armchair
Are you being sarcastic, ironic, or have you gone mad? Annie replied politely
Well I was trying to be sarcastic but I am not very good at it yet I hope to improve as time goes by because research shows being sarcastic improves your creativity
But can you be sure which part of your life will become more creative, Annie ask her thoughtfully with a little grin
For example you might become more creative in the way you trying to attract men
Well that would not be difficult, said Mary ,as I do nothing to try to attract them at the moment and on the other hand it could be rather time-consuming
Would it improve my ability to write in a creative manner or to be more creative in what I cook?
I have no idea Annie told her. the only problem is is that if you practice on me it might affect our friendship
You are far too childish, Mary told her. Is that sarcastic?
Tell me, the ex mistress of your ancient husband!
What do you mean ancient, he was only 23!
23 what? said Annie
Are we being sarcastic?
Well if we can’t know the answer then we are not being sarcastic because I am sure we would realise if we were
I am glad you can express yourself in such a brief manner
What have briefs got to do with it?
I just found a bag full of dry ones and I have been folding them and putting them into the drawer
Do you mean knickers?
Yes, I do, but I couldn’t remember the name
You’re pulling my leg
No I’m not. I’m nowhere near your leg
Don’t tell me that you are not familiar with the expression meaning “you are joking”
Why do you assume I am not familiar with anything?
I am giving you the benefit of the doubt
Doubt is a very dangerous State of Mind
Shall I wear the pink knickers or the blue ones I spend all morning trying to decide so it is best not to doubt anything but to believe that what you do must be correct and everybody else is wrong
That’s alright as long as you’re not stealing people’s husbands
If they can be stolen so easily what does that tell us about the state of the marriage? Nothing nothing at all, men are so easily beguiled that is in the best of marriages they’re not be enough to keep them faithful for ever
Don’t be so horrible I was trying to be sarcastic Should it not come naturally like loving?
What kind of loving do you mean? If you mean physical loving it doesn’t always come naturally to human beings’
.many couples go for help in having a baby and the doctor discovers they didn’t realise what sex was
They thought by sleeping in the same bed, the wife will get pregnant
It seems very hard to believe but compared to thinking about Donald Trump
and his lies, it is nothing
Shall I put the kettle on, said Mary
That is sarcastic Annie said because you know that I always put it on when I am here it is more like dropping hints Mary cried All these things are very hard for scientists. You don’t solve mathematical problems by dropping a hint nor does anyone drop hints to you whereas in interpersonal relationships it is very important to be able to drop hints and to be able to take hints when they’re dropped in front of you Mathematics and physics much easier than everyday life because they contain no sarcasm no irony and no hints whatsoever I wonder if Wittgenstein would agree with you.
As he is dead we cannot know but I am almost sure he would agree
I was just being sarcastic,that’s all!
It seems like that Mary and Annie are going to have to spend much longer practicing sarcasm before they were able to go outside and be sarcastic to neighbours or Friends
well Emile’s view is that he will not accept sarcasm from anybody
He will bite the hand that feeds him if necessary because he knows that Mary will forgive him when he apologizes
On the other hand it would be easier if he didn’t bite anyone And God might be angry with Emile for being a trying animal to live with
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk. Emile was lying on his stomach purring. You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see any mice better. Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.How can I get up from here? He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia’ Plath and banged on his desk softly. Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She got up and found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk. Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her. Then he rolled over and I fell out. That is logically and scientifically unsensible,Mary told him. Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up? I like it down here,the old man lied to her. OK Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999. Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my husband out of bed. How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away. Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match. How do you feel Stan,she enquired. I am thirsty,give me so brandy,he ordered her politely as he was very full of kindness. They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat. Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to seee the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws. Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife. Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan. Bigger than what,he responded academically. Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to get laid with your wife. True,he replied but I am 96 you know.I have erectile malefaction already and am unwilling to have more mistresses and lovers or even concubines. I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel. He’s not a Catholic I hope. No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted nervously. That’s alright then.He can have concubines if he chooses.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow/ It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats. But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed. But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it? No, it’s just he hates bacon and peperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as relics. Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah? Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water? No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned. I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried… God will not be very happy. I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said. He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round he world. Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her. And so say all of us For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow
Oh,Mary is in horrid pain It’s her sciatica again. No pills can cure but nettles might She will roll in them tonight Emile is aware of this He gives her a loving kiss Emile, I’ve told you it’s not done To kiss your mother though in fun What would Stan think,were he here Drinking from a can of beer? What would Annie think of this? Go, give her a big wet kiss
Oh,mother I might bite her lip As my teeth are made to nip Take my emery board and smooth Your pointed teeth and any grooves Can I use Stan’s old toothbrush No, I’ve put it in the Wash
Maybe seals will use it there Send them combs and do not swear I did not mean to curse again My back is aching,I’ve no pluck Mother, dearest, don’t say feck
Well, that’s Irish, it’s ok The Catholics wlil offer prayers I pray too for all my friends Those bereaved or round the bend Do you mean those who see ghosts ? Maybe it’s the heavenly Host
As long as you look clean and neat Noone will see your hooves or feet Noone will know you see and hear Emissaries from other spheres. Don’t meet eyes nor stare at men And always write with a good pen
You may be in another realm Dave can see you’r overwhelmed He will pat your head this day For this he gets his kicks and pay When you feel yourself again See it you can spot old Stan Where is Annie,Mary’s friend? Where the Spirit which descends Where are our neighbours whom we love? Singing with the turtle dove All the Saints will chant along As Jesus sings his ancient songs
Spirits rise and Love is here Drinking in the atmosphere
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times in a very real sense. Mary dreamed Stan was in heaven enjoying the company of Wittgenstein,Jesus and Pascal , not to mention Lady Jane Grey Ann of Cleves,Juliet,Cleopatra and an angel. At least at this point in time he can’t sleep with them ,she thought as she woke up.Though did that matter? Can men be faithful and monogamous? Look at Leonard Cohen.Was he better off flitting from flower to flower? Was he so stunning that women threw themselves at him and he could not resist?Sometimes people are actually afraid of intimacy or feel life is short and want some new experiences.Was he a wolf? It t akes one to know one It was indeed almost the worst of times when Mary remembered she had no food in the house except cat food for Emile.He was all she had now as her daughter Lyra lived in Australia and Stan was in heaven, she hoped. Here I am, she thought, pondering unanswerable questions and not looking after myself .It is probably best to err on the side of buying food and going out rather than lying in the bed wondering if life has any inherent meaning. or if we must create our own. Even discussing that with someone else would be better.But men folk don’t want to discuss serious topics with their lovers. It was an even worse time when she recalled a man who once loved her leaving her because she asked him if he knew what post-modernism was one night after going to the cinema to see a comedy.She realised then that she would have to play a part,To act like a woman.So far it was but moderately successful owing to her myopic view of life If only I had kept quiet, she told herself,I could be lying beside him now enjoying a few kisses and hugs and asking him how to light the electric fire.Still ,there’s many a slip twixt cup and lip Now then, said a loud voice.Stop ruminating and get up. One stitch in time saves nine. Who are you to say that to me, she called nervously ? She wondered of stress had driven her round the bend.She had begun reading a book which said mental illness in not an illness like flu. It is a reaction to bad events and other life strains. It doesn’t matter who I am,just do as I say, came the answer Mary recognised the voice.It was her dad who had died when she was 9. Dad, she called, why are you here now? Because Jesus told us to love our family, he revealed pleasantly. Why now after all these years? she persisted. I have missed you. I always did have a bad sense of direction,he told her.But do as I say.You won’t recover easily if you never get up.Stan is here but he is busy cleaning the gold cutlery for an angel. Alright, but I never knew there was cutlery up there, she murmured as she put on her new clothes.She had bought some purple trousers and two new jumpers.One was pink and one was teal.The trousers were exceptionally comfortable being in a last years’ sale by a famous label..She then found some Weetabix in the cupboard and some long life milk.As she drank her tea she admired the acer’s brilliant red leaves. Almost too bright, she thought.It’s due to the hot September.Plants are affected by their environment and so are we.Especially by bad or hot tempered men and women Poor people may have more than in the past but they tend to live in the ugliest areas of the town with no gardens nor parks. And seeing the better off walk by wearing expensive clothes it is surprising there are not even more muggings. She recalled seeing a man with a Rolex watch and gold earrings on talking on his new iPhone as he wandered through the Mall.I suppose we think everybody else is like us; we don’t mix with very poor or very rich people on the whole.Unless we are one of those two types. Mary went outside and found a neighbour wheeling in her bins. Thanks ,Tom, she cried.I wondered who it was.I am very grateful.What is post modernism,by the way?Nobody will tell me. Emile was watching from the window sill. I knew it was Tom, he mewed. But you didn’t tell me,Mary replied. You didn’t ask. Tom wandered off ,while Mary admired the autumn trees lining the road.Tom turned back and looked at her but she didn’t notice. Time for coffee, she muttered and went inside again.She was embroidering a table mat which said “Rumination is for the birds”.Where it had come from was a puzzle.But it may be a good thought
With words. he pulled some in and pushed some out He wanted love but still encountered doubts Should he make commitments then feel trapped? Should he disappear from lovers’ maps? He joined an online dating site and smiled His profile photo strong and slightly wild He got ten ladies asking for a date Did they want a lover or a mate? He gazed upon their photos,felt confused Did he want a wife or perhaps a muse? He could not bring himself to use the phone Spent the evening time at home alone
He fell into obsessive thought and dreams A new friend may be party to a scheme Could he trust his judgement or their truth Soon he lost his temper, gnashed his teeth Should he seek a therapist for aid? Was his mind withdrawn or in decay? Should he join a gym or grow a beard? Was he what they wanted, what they feared? In the end he thought his life away He died in bed alone one autumn day It does not matter deeply what we choose But life is more important than these clues
Oh,mother dear wherever have you been To leave a cat all day is very mean Emile,I need my freedom now and then I can’t love Dave but I would like a man I must go out to buy a handsome coat Cognac is the colour I love most
Emile cried, whatever do you think I saw some frogs a-courting in the sink I was on the draining rack up there They asked me to avert my amber stare Are frogs faithful, don’t they just leave spawn? They are cold towards tadpoles unborn We saw them by Moss Bank in shallow pools Mary wonders if all frogs are cruel Stan came in with his angels right behind They are tired of heaven, they’ve resigned Here’s a pin upon which they can dance Mary was delighted and entranced Do you need a dinner now you’ve died? I wouldn’t mind a steak, the old man sighed Some buttered new potatoes and a fool Rhubarb or vanilla would be cool I have done no shopping, Mary cried I have no money for the food you like Shall I get a pizza, fish and chips That will put some colour in your lips I am only joking, Stanley said I shall merely visit you in bed Emile wept with joy to see his Dad What a spirit, is he going mad? In came Annie in her long green coat Her eyes were black and scratched was her throat I fell into the Croal when eating chips See the bruises on my purple lips Never walk on water,Mary screeched Even when you cross all Southport Beach Stay away from danger,I’ll ring Dave He will dress your bruises with his gauze
Annie did not tell them all the truth She had fallen off the sloping roof
I dreamed she tried to smother me one night I had had suspicions with deep roots I screamed ad yelled and kicked her, as one might Then she tortured me with brilliant light As her minions climbed down from the roof I dreamed she tried to smother me, alive
She looked so ugly, she gave demons fright I wished I were a donkey kicking hoof I screamed and yelled,confusedten megabytes
Her muscles strong, her grip was over tight I tried to crash her laptop, no re- boot I dreamed she tried to smother me last night
I wished I were a tiger with cruel bite Or God whose name to angels was a proof I screamed and shouted 999, please write
She was more sadistic than astute She gave me pain, this action her debut I dreamed she tried to cut me off last night The two pint flask saved tea, my perfect right
Instead of going to the pub to meet men,Mary went on FB and changed her name Unfortunatly her name was also changed on the Page where she was insulted and every where she had been. I have learned something useful, she said to Dave who had come because Emile had rung 999 Better if you had not visited their page,he told her sensibly, then Emile would be happy Yes, she said,each side is as bad as the other,You must either totally agree or be called a vicious Monster.There is no space for debate so why even try? Just then the phone rang Hello, it’s Noreen ,she heard Mary, I am so happy you have changed your name Are you,Mary asked in suprise Yes,my grandparents were Scottish and none of the relatives are left, so as you are partly Scottish too it’s lovely you chose to emphasis that Well, stone the crows,Mary thought.How unpredictable life is.And how one unexpected event led to a good talk with Noreen Well, since Stan is not here,I’d better do some housework. she told Dave On the hand if Annie and you,Dave, accept my untidiness, why should i worry? After all it’s wonderful finding books I had forgotten I had.Not to mention 30 pairs of tights and my reading glasses Emile looked at her turquoise glasses Can I have some reading glasses Mother? Why? demanded Mary angrily Then they will read stories to me as they can already read Mary wondered how to explain to a cat that the lenses of humans’ eyes become less flexible with age like their minds, perhaps Then she thought of Donald Trump who needs King Canute to explain that no human is omnipotent and that viruses are unable to distinguish between him and another old person even Joe Biden Why the family of the first virus might have relatives near Joe. But how do viruses communicate?They have no voices,eyes or hands Might it be they live in another reality? Do they have minds withour havig brains? Or brains without minds Dave ran out of the house wondering how to help Mary And so would all of us!
While Annie departed in her unsuitable violet velvet trenchcoat for a holiday in Cleethorpes,Mary took a look at her FaceBook page before cleaning the grate You are a vile ,vicious person,Mary someone unknown from the Church of the Hard Left had written Well,I suppose eventually we all get stung by wasps, she muttered silently.Another person wrote, you are too stupid to have been to Oxford Maybe I should have gone to Cambridge, she pondered Don’t they realise that if they attack me personally it shows they can’t answer my questions? Why, there is a name for that…ad hominem? I know , said Annie, giving Mary a traumatic shock as she made no noise entering. It was too wet in Cleethorpes and there were no donkeys on the beach so I have come home. Have you any spare food You can eat with me,.I doubt if they let large people ride on the donkeys,Mary teased her Well,I’m not as fat as you,Annie cried rudely unable to contain her rage silently Even so,you may be too large for a donkey to carry you.Mary advised her ruefully Well, they should get stronger donkeys,Annie said critically How about an elephant,Mary joked in her cliched way What are you doing on FB? I have changed my surname to my Irish grandmother’s name What is it? McCracken I’ve never heard of it. Actually,it’s Scottish Why? She married a Scot,And I hoped those horrible people won’t know it You could wash up or make the bed instead I am tired of making beds and getting dressed Indeed Mary did look odd in a long striped dress from Land’s End and some hobnailed boots That dress is weird,Annie called.It’s like something from a Museum Oh, do stop criticising me;I have seen noone so why worry?Who cares But God can see you Do you think God is concerned about me wearing an orange and purple dress? I have no idea, but I don’t like orange unless it’s the sky at sunset Oh,my.I didn’t know my clothing might make you feel ill.No wonder men don’t ask me out. Do you want a man? Well, they give a background to life;they come in handy like electric tin openers Emile mewed loudly,I don’t like that.You should value men more OK Emile,I shall try my best.I’ll have to go to the pub to meet some Can I come too? I don’t feel a talking tomcat is a suitable accessory for a lady I won’t say a word, the poor animal replied.Am I now called McCracken too ? No, it’s only my virtual name,Mary assured him sensitively I am sure you could have got a better one, given more time,Annie said thoughtlessly I just didn’t want to think anymore,Mary said with anger in her voice I can understand that.There is too much thought and not enough feeling in modern society. And so feel all of us I think
Annie went into Mary’s kitchen to look at her new grey kitten Will Emile not be jealous of Smokey,she asked nervously? No, he says he’d like to pass on his knowledge to other cats,Mary sighed What knowledge? Annie said intrusively? Well, how to get on with me like Stan,Mary murmured Surely all men are different,Annie said thoughtfully? I suppose so, but they do have somethings in common,Mary rambled on Such as? I’ll have to be careful or I will be hounded by the politically fairly correct,said poor Mary How can you be fairly correct? Annie enquired It’s like fuzzy logic….. a thing is no longer right or wrong, true or false,and so on It’s a many valued logic,Mary said in her peculiar manner ; very rapid speaking combining a Northern accent with the vocabulary of a scientist thus rendering her unfit to read the Newsfor the BBC,ITV Israel, Al Jazeera or indeed any TV service anywhere at all especially China. I suppose in reality few things are just black or white , remarked Stan jovially. I have made a cake he announced proudly What sort, shouted Annie hungrily? A chocolate cake.I made icing by melting a bar of chocolate in a pan with some buttera then it spreads easily. So does my waist, said Mary.I used to be almost flat but now I am 3 dimension.I know I was too thin but now I am obese So it’s not just your waist,said Annie. Oh,give over.Stop me feeling worse Well, you look ok to me, said Stan.I am proud to be your husband And I am proud to be your mistress, Annie said to Stan Surely you should not say that in front of me, Mary said But you know,Annie said in a matter of fact manner, her eyes gleaming with blue and gold eye shadow and green mascara It’s one thing knowing something, another hearing it said out loud,Mary told her sharply So, if we don’t believe in God, we should not say so and visa versa.Annie added My goodness Annie, your IQ is rising like bread in a hot oven,Mary exclaimed On the whole it’s better to keep quiet and only tell people something if it is essential. Stan’s brother was in South Africa, they say he was in the ANC What is an ANC, a mental health unit? Anxiety Not Conversation Angst Never Converts
Anguished No Clue
Anxiety Not Condemned Anguish Now Cool It was a political movement to get rights for the black people in South Africa Was Stan’s brother black? Possibly but he died long ago. Stan, was your brother black? No, he was just a priest from England who got sent out there to teach black students in the apartheid era, Wow, why did you not tell us,asked Annie As I said before, do you need to know? No, but it’s interesting, she said You should do something useful instead of gossiping,Stan cried Annie hit him with a big umbrella which, alas, knocked him out Oh,no, said Emile, how can I look after Smokey when I will have to ring 999? I shall call them, said Mary, and get the police here to arrest Annie Stan jumped up. I was not unconcious he said.Not totally, but don’t do it again as it is common assault The doorbell rang and in ran dear Dave, the transgender gay and well dressed paramedic We’ve not even phoned 999, said Emile Dave cried,I just knew something was wrong Well,Emile said,I am taking Smokey upstairs.And we will have a good sleep Maybe you should all do the same And so say all of us
Mary lifted her orange cast iron cooking pot out of the oven. “This pot is much too heavy ,”she informed her dear old husband,Stan. But what else can I use for my Beef in Beer and my Braised Beef with Ginger? I can’t think, he replied imaginatively yet timidly But Mary had already seen and loved a red cast aluminium casserole dish in the Ironmongers online You know, we’ve not bought a new pan for years, she cried thoughtlessly. Well,I’ve managed alright, he murmured, we have two copper pans and three stainless steel ones and the pyrex glass ovenware But I want something fancy I can put on the table.I feel the urge to invite someone round Emile was hiding by the pan rack, wondering what cast aluminium might be I hope you won’t drop this pot on me, he mewed plaintively Have I ever dropped the Le Creuset one on you.Don’t answer as if I had you would be dead You are being very blunt today,Stan remarked politely yet pointedly Oh, dear.I am sorry if I hurt you.I just recalled all the stews I used to make and inviting in anyone who happened to walk by.Now we don’t ask people in,I liked it before… life was slower then Well, if you want to get some bright new pots or dishes I’m not complaining.I know you bave back pain and you like colour.Get a colourful pot or two and we can give the heavy ones away.A younger person will love them. Why, asked ~Annie their neighbour who had just got in through the larder window despite being almost as obese as the PM She was dressed in a champagne coloured, waisted. long padded jacket with purple trousers and pink trainers with coral soles which matched her lipstick from Cats Factor of Wigan and Darwen. Her foundation cream was ivory beige from Eve St Torment of Paris,Southport and Glasgow. You look pale,darling, Stan declared tenderly Oh,damn and blast,I knew I should have got medium beige. What? It’s my makeup. You look nice with nothing on, he said happily though tactlessly. What about me,asked Mary faintly? You always look stunning, he whispered.I am just flattering Annie as she looks depressed No wonder with you as her companion.She should get someone who is not married. I tell her that, but i am old and I would be alone all day while you were teaching Babylonian Logic and Solomon’s Temple or maybe Wittgenstein and the need for Silence I know I am tired when I get home, she said urbanely Emile fell off the table and broke a bit off Stan’s chair OMG ring 999, Stan screamed Calm down, said Annie.I can mend it with superglue All these years calling out Dave and you could have fixed it.Why did you not say? Well,I lack confidence, she muttered, except about clothes and lipstick Emile had secretly phoned 999 and soon the doorbell rang In ran Dave, the talented and much loved paramedic. What’s wrong, he cried gaily Just the arm broke off this chair,Mary moaned.I feel faint How would you have managed in the War, he asked.
Breaking a chair should not affect you. I forgot to take my felopidine, she informed him.Will I have a heart attack? Go and get it now.No, missing one dose is ok but more than one puts you at risk Stan looked at his beautiful wife and her face like a mediaeval painting You are so brave, Mary, living with those spasms. What choice do I have ,she whispered? I submit to the will of God I wish you’d submit to my will,Stan compained loudly yet sensitively I will, shouted Annie Not here,Mary said,At least have the decency to go into the greenhouse But people can see in, Annie muttered I thought you might like that! Well,I would not.I’ll come tomorrow she shouted, as she ran out and slammed the door She’s upset; she went to Wigan for some makeup and she got the wrong shade of be=ge How many shades of beige are there,asked Dave? You should know,Stan cried.You wear make up sometimes I always like more information Well it’s not fifty. as that would cause confusion And take up too much space on the pharmacy counter. Why some of us are called white when we are just beige light or medium I do not know And nor do all of us including those labelled as black Life is not black and white except for the immature Alas, many of us are.Very.
Please wash before playing cards I didn’t know playing cards washed but I am happy to obey
Pleae be polite to other customers whether real or imaginary I think only Godel can solve this one and he went mad
Please call a cab if you are drunk Even if I am not going anywhere?
Don’t get overexcited about your new husband I didn’t realise he was new.
To avoid being put in a mental hospital, do manual work every day and always be polite even to politicians, hallucinations,mathemativians and anyone else hanging around
When you can sit down drinking tea all day and doing nothing that is Nirvana
Sewing is good especially mending and replacing buttons First, take off the buttons from your cardigan Find a needle and some matching thread I use easy thread needles as I am limited by visions Once they go,I thread my needle and sew the button back where I took if from Don’t do it too tight But, not too loose either If unhappy,repeat this over and over until bedtime
Knitting is good but wool is expensive Try buying online but make sure which country you are in first Get a friend to help you No friends? Try being polite and listening to others before you speak to them Otherwise, go to Church and pray.
But miracles don’t happen every day Are you too picky? Are you too excited to realise most people have not heard of quantum cookery
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.
He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.
That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my aged husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel now Stan,she enquired tying her red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was full of kindness
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to lie next to your wife.
True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic ,I hope?
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted implausibly.
That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.
Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us.
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.
The weather in Knittingham was rather hot.Mary was away giving a lecture on Dirac’s thoughts in Oxford and Stan felt lonely.He rang Annie but she was out.
So he said to Emile
I am going to bed early.Have you had enough to eat?
Definitely,cried Emile,who had just licked all the cream off two meringues in the larder.So Stan went upstairs.He took off all his clothes and admired his thin body in the mirror.
Not bad for 97,he muttered.
Now what shall I put on?
He found his pyjamas too hot so on an impulse he opened Mary’s wardrobe and found a cotton nightdress.It was a bit big for him but definitely cooler than his pyjamas.He cleaned his teeth and washed himself before falling into bed with,The Other Ariel a book about Sylvia Plath’s poetry and how Ted Hughes had altered the order of her poems and even removed some from the book .Ariel,which made her name.The doorbell rang.Each time it played a different tune out of the 90 in its repertoire.
He ran downstairs and opened the door.There stood two policemen.
They stared a the handsome old man with elegant hands
Hello.Sir.I hope we have not interrupted you?
No,I am just reading in bed. on my own
Do you always wear a nightgown?
This is the first time,he told them humorously.
I felt very hot so I decided to wear my wife’s gown.
And just where is your wife?
What’s it got to do with you,he enquired unceremoniously.
Just tell us,the older policeman said brusquely
She’s at a conference in Oxford giving a talk.About Dirac or Riemann or another nitwit.
Can we come in? the policeman said.
May we come in,Stan corrected him;not a good idea on the whole,especially in the USA where the police have guns.Luckily all our police have here are rubber gloves in case people ask them to wash up after having a cup of tea.
What is wrong? said Stan.
We have found a naked woman walking in the High Street.She says a man stole her clothes.For various reasons we think it might be you.
But if she was in the High Street she’d be in proper clothes not a nightdress,surely ,Stan murmured.
But you like women’s clothes….. we can see.
No,I don’t, the old man shouted.
I told you I was too hot.And in my own home I can wear anything I like.
Sometimes I wear a prayer shawl
Are you Jewish? they asked.
Only a little, but I inherited it from a great grandfather who married out.
Out of what? the police asked
He married out of his faith.He was longing for a bacon sandwich.
Surely marrying just to eat a bacon sandwich is a bit over the top.
Well,that was his story.Maybe he was tired of obeying the Ten Commandments so he broke most of them.
He committed adultery once when his wife had a nervous breakdown ; he lost his head and went to bed with his neighbour’s wife.
And where was his neighbour?
At the psychiatric unit visiting my great grandmother.Stan admitted uneasily.
Well,at such times we all do odd things,the older policeman advised him.
Thank you for your frankness,Sir.I can see you are not a criminal.
Thank the Lord,said Stan as he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea to save ringing 999
I am lucky not to be in a cell and Mary would have had to come home.She would have been cross, he told Emile.Anyway monks wear habits.
But who had stolen the clothes off the woman in town? A mystery to be studied with Annie when she got home.
At last Stan relaxed and went back to bed with his books
This is the last time I ever wear a nightdress he whispered to Emile who was by his side.
And so hope all of us.
Stan was leaning over, cleaning the new bath.When the doorbell rang,he rushed downstairs and opened the double front door.
“Will you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
“Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and theologians.
She was wearing perfume, and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky over-blouse, not to mention her matching raspberry and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three imitation gold and silver watches on each of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting.
Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once
The more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.
So she reasoned in her womanly way. J
ust then one phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation and turmoil-uation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
“Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
“Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with carpentry skills. You’ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
“Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.
That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.
It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?Contact Parcel Force without delay.
Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
“Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
“Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously..
“Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
“To attract men,of course!”
“No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.”Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for love rendered so generously .”
“Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.”
Stanley looked uneasy.
“I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born. She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
“Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
“My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”,
“Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
“Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”
“I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal secret memo.[available on 50 years]
“Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual to see what they were up to,you know what I mean, you catch my drift?
She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
“Oh,gosh,better ring 999” Stan said to Emile.
“Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”
“Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
“Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”
In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor Annie.
How cruel can a cat be? Ask any mouse! Still in the end God made all of us and what a terrifying and beautiful world it is.