He said he never wanted to be me again. He asked me never to bury him again None so blind as those who’re on TV. I see what you scheme I’ll catch the late train and be stoned tomorrow Please deceive me,I won’t know The last chance will be a horror Until wrath us do part. Until the penalty’s stark It’s better to have loved the dustthan never to have loved the balls Men are in jars, women are in beakers
We walk along the Pennine way some years If farmers let the bulls out,we don’t care I like stiles and jumping over walls But then I’m not a man with stuff to haul I like mountains,I like lakes and boats I like being tickled as we float I like sheep that follow me all day Trying to find the perfect spot to pray Up near Dent the sheep beg very well They learn to knit while sitting on a Fell In the winter Dent is somewhat cold It feels more frosty to the very old I’ll never go to Dent or Alston now Unless the bull is gone and there’s a cow I’ll never climb up Coniston Old Man Nor meet Mary,Annie, Dave or Stan They are in another kinder place Where one the women made the famous lace On the River Trent come down the Peak Do not wear your shoes unless you’ve feet
I can only comment in a verse A villanelle for virtue,my defence I don’t know what you mean for you are terse
Love or hate,I don’t know what is worse Is this life a very spiteful test? I can only comment in a verse In my bag I have a purple purse Money is so dirty it’s a pest I don’t know what you mean when you are terse
When we marry, we won’t be the first We need a godly priest for I confess I can only comment in a verse Do not pay my bill which I detest At our party let us all be blessed I don’t know what you want when you are terse
I am in a struggle, can you guess? I am well endowed with happiness A villanelle for virtue is the best I don’t know what you mean you are so terse
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk. Emile was lying on his stomach purring. You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see any mice better. Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.How can I get up from here? He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia’ Plath and banged on his desk softly. Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She got up and found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk. Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her. Then he rolled over and I fell out. That is logically and scientifically unsensible,Mary told him. Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up? I like it down here,the old man lied to her. OK Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999. Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my husband out of bed. How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away. Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match. How do you feel Stan,she enquired. I am thirsty,give me so brandy,he ordered her politely as he was very full of kindness. They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat. Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to seee the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws. Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife. Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan. Bigger than what,he responded academically. Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to get laid with your wife. True,he replied but I am 96 you know.I have erectile malefaction already and am unwilling to have more mistresses and lovers or even concubines. I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel. He’s not a Catholic I hope. No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted nervously. That’s alright then.He can have concubines if he chooses.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow/ It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats. But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed. But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it? No, it’s just he hates bacon and peperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as relics. Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah? Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water? No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned. I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried… God will not be very happy. I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said. He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round he world. Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her. And so say all of us For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow
Waiter, there’s a tear in my soup How can you tell? It’s quite clear I can’t see anything That’s the whole point
Waiter,my egg is too hard If it’s boiled I can’t reverse that What, all this modern science and we can’t soften a hard boiled egg I could mix some butter into the yolk I’ve eaten that You are trying to eat the egg cup! Is that what it is? Did you not have any at home? No, we never ate eggs Now we know why!
My wife has had a baby What’s its name? Aubergine Why? It’s purple with crying Well, it will stop eventually I hope so.My wife is worn out So why are you here? She says after this pain she never wants to make love again How do you feel about that? Is it my fault God made the birth canal so narrow? Well after a few more babies it will get wider A few more!Can’t the doctor help? Well, it’s against medical ethics really but he could use a shoe widener His shoes are too narrow, I suppose so. I think it is too big Well,she will forget when the baby sleeps Forget what? What fertilised the egg And what does that? Don’t you know? A spider? It’s sex I can’t tell the sex of s spider No, when you have sex. But we’ve had it 365 times and only had one baby Better luck next time
The sun was shining in the night I woke at half past three The moon was cut in half again Send the rest a flea The night was dark, the light was off Please do not blame me The cat was hungry so I made Some chips and Earl Grey tea My husband was asleep again So I climbed the Xmas tree I found no coins or chocolates Just a mouldy pack of Brie I hunted high,I hunted low But found no new decree I spun till I got vertigo And fell into the sea Here I float on a small boat Will God still love my me?
Please choose a gentle piece of music for your ringtone [But nothing from Wagner any way] We all have insomnia.Just work through it We regret live sex is not allowed but you can dream Mobile groans will be ignored Please do not shock us by rising from the bed Please sit down on your chair and not the consultant’s knee. Kindly do not tell the doctor he is stupid.He knows already. The doctor is only a pest when exhausted Kindly pretend to listen to the Consultant on his round Kindly do not eat cream buns or meringues in front of the Consultant.He is on a diet. Kindly avoid catching any bugs belonging to or emanating from this hospital and vice versa Please do not swallow your Kindle Fire before lights out.Buy a bigger one next time Keep yourself clean.Take a bed by the open window during a storm. Kindly avoid dying when we are busy.You can if you think you can Kindly do not write verse on your sheets unless in water soluble ink Kindly recover before Friday as we are shutting for the weekend Kindly write poetry on paper and not on your arms and legs. Kindly do not copy these rules down.They are our secret. Kindly keep all you hear secret especially from visitors Please do not breathe out bad breath We will take you for a scan in Rymans if you pay. Bribes are forbidden, but we take them anyway We love all religions,but don’t argue in here.Go outside and fight if you must. Don’t convert us while ill Be holier than thou Confession is available of Saturdays 5-8 pm if you can walk and talk Where is God?
Don’t send me an apron forXmas When all that I want is a glove A glove for the oven Its hands must be frozen Let’s drown the old oven in love.
Don’t send me a card on my birthday I cannot remember your name Just bake me a cake I prefer it to steak Don’t limp unless you are lame Don’t change the sheets every week,dear For washing them makes them wear thin Just give me a brush I’ll beat off the fluff Then we can both have some fun
Don’t give me bacon for breakfast God won’t let Jews eat it yet His aversion to swine Is what makes him divine The fig tree is dead I regret
Oh,Mary is in horrid pain It’s her sciatica again. No pills can cure but nettles might She will roll in them tonight Emile is aware of this He gives her a loving kiss Emile, I’ve told you it’s not done To kiss your mother though in fun What would Stan think,were he here Drinking from a can of beer? What would Annie think of this? Go, give her a big wet kiss
Oh,mother I might bite her lip As my teeth are made to nip Take my emery board and smooth Your pointed teeth and any grooves Can I use Stan’s old toothbrush No, I’ve put it in the Wash
Maybe seals will use it there Send them combs and do not swear I did not mean to curse again My back is aching,I’ve no pluck Mother, dearest, don’t say feck
Well, that’s Irish, it’s ok The Catholics wlil offer prayers I pray too for all my friends Those bereaved or round the bend Do you mean those who see ghosts ? Maybe it’s the heavenly Host
As long as you look clean and neat Noone will see your hooves or feet Noone will know you see and hear Emissaries from other spheres. Don’t meet eyes nor stare at men And always write with a good pen
You may be in another realm Dave can see you’r overwhelmed He will pat your head this day For this he gets his kicks and pay When you feel yourself again See it you can spot old Stan Where is Annie,Mary’s friend? Where the Spirit which descends Where are our neighbours whom we love? Singing with the turtle dove All the Saints will chant along As Jesus sings his ancient songs
Spirits rise and Love is here Drinking in the atmosphere
Why do bras have 2 cups? Because nobody uses saucers now!
Why do men wear briefs? So they won’t lose them on the way to the Court
Why do women not wear skirts? So we can rate their bottoms as their tops are brief and their leggings too tight And their stockings are invisible even when darned
Are you pulling my leg? I can’t even see it. You could still touch it May I? Not here,we’ll be on the News Then where? In the bath There may be a hidden camera Who wants to see people in the bath? The Russians. For blackmail? Can you blackmail by email? Better use voicemail How clever you are Bedankt voor ye briefke Fire and Ice
They tell me I’ve got three years What did you do? Stopped chemotherapy, got all my money together and sailed round the world Sounds good But I have no money left.They said I’d die in one year I am so sorry you are still alive.Those doctors are idiots I’ll have to go on benefits Just applying might kill you Well. God knows I want somewhere to live Try a Stable!
I can’t afford to be ill.What’s the cheapest way to die? Either starvation or Beachy Head I long to visit Gaza first Why? I’ve never seen a person strip And if you go near the Border….. it could be the answer to your prayers. I’ve not prayed for years Just a metaphor.You could go to the USA and as you are black the police may kill you free if you can’t pay for your cigarettes.Just get a fake 20 dollar bill before shopping Where from? I can make one here You mean you are a crook? Not yet, but I am hoping Why? I’ve got schizophrenia and I need money for therapy You mean they charge the sick? They are just being politically correct It reminds me of the Light Brigade They say a foetus is sacred Yes, until birth! Well,I’ll have to think about this I prefer never to think How thoughtless!
Where are you,dear? the husband cried in vain Anaphylaxis is not a maiden’s name Files don’t carry axes nor are axes filed I’ve had just one attack but it was quite mild The risks of drugs, the cure that kills or maims The cursed allergy, its deathly fame The perils of the life of solitude As Baez sings and Dylan’s voice intrudes
The fear that whispers through the widow’s ear Never shall another lover disappear The paradox of double negative The logic of the heart,Pascal will give
The heavy doze, the silent home and place Noone sees the tears, the shame, the face
I get up in the morning after twenty cups of tea I dress in some bright clothing that will make God worship me I am getting so much older and I never learned to flirt How did I have time to go to work ? I spend a long time daydreaming,I love a reverie Now I have no cat at all, my new plants all love me I sit and write my poetry, it doesn’t have to hurt How did I have time to go to work?
I’ve a prayer plant from the tropics,Brazilian so I read I’m buying it some pebbles, it likes a waterbed I’ve also got a Peace Lily, surveillance is covert How did I have time to go to work? Time they say is precious, as they run with manic verve Like a tangent to a circle, they miss the holy curve My ambition is for indolence, my ideas I will nurse Why did I waste time and go to work?