There’s nowt so queer as foes The stuffed wives of Henry the Beast The Will of the Mass The Mad Will Why be a Catholic, just to lapse? Jesus was a wafer with no icecream,I thought as I bit him tenderly Evening class: build your own Cross [ wood £89 ono] By a therapist:I used to suffer badly from loopholes and other stories Clean your own blood: what dialysis means to me now Everyone else is better than me; a neurosis lived in real time How to make your TV smart: do not put vinegar on it yet I see and hear things noone else does.Genius or Liar? How to make your own foot bawl
Sir Oliver’s Rabble The War of the Poses
Mary, been and gone
I like to go to sleep,I feel so hot I need an ice cold drink by my old bed There must be something else,but I forget Why was Albert Einstein full of smut? Relatively speaking, he was shot A photon waved and particled a dot When you’re living you’re not really dead I like to go to bed,I have no plot I buy a book and eat the words I’ve read
I nearly died of laughter when he went out for a drive Simply,purely, only to test his bleary eyes He put his toddler in the back, just to be quite sure He would not be orphaned if his father crashed the car
To make it even safer he took his good wife too Even though she felt quite weak after having flu They went to Barnard Castle, not just round the block The river Tees is very fine, the Castle on a rock
It was all or nothing;was it murder,suicide Taking all your loved ones on a really dodgey ride? The Unconscious has impulses of which we do not know Like sending cripples out to buy their own food in the snow
What can we deduce from this, is he Head of State Ascending up to heaven, does he want to emigrate?
Why do we have roast beef on Sundays? So mother can clean the oven while we go for a walk in the park?
I say, what thick lips you have! Is that a compliment or an insult? Gosh,clever too
For Xmas he gave me lavender wax polish and a new duster I gave him an insult
For my birthday he gave me silk scarf.He’s never noticed I don’t wear scarves, bracelets and dangly earrings. I wonder why he married you? So does he.
I got so angry,I said I suggest you marry a man next time.Someone as obnoxious as you. He said, it’s a sin Well, think how I feel.
He loved dripping.He bought a new car just to drive around Essex seeing if the butchers sold beef or bacon dripping Then what? He died of blocked arteries.They were worse than the North Circular before the M25 What about the car? Is that all you can think of when I have lost my husband? Well, you should have eaten all the dripping yourself What!Murderess.You wish I’d died first? It might have stopped a lot of arguments Shooting every one in Britain would have stopped brexit Except for the gunmen The EU would not want them. What’s logic got to do with it?
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.
He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.
That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my aged husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel now Stan,she enquired tying her red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was full of kindness
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to lie next to your wife.
True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic ,I hope?
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted implausibly.
That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.
Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us.
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.
The weather in Knittingham was rather hot.Mary was away giving a lecture on Dirac’s thoughts in Oxford and Stan felt lonely.He rang Annie but she was out.
So he said to Emile
I am going to bed early.Have you had enough to eat?
Definitely,cried Emile,who had just licked all the cream off two meringues in the larder.So Stan went upstairs.He took off all his clothes and admired his thin body in the mirror.
Not bad for 97,he muttered.
Now what shall I put on?
He found his pyjamas too hot so on an impulse he opened Mary’s wardrobe and found a cotton nightdress.It was a bit big for him but definitely cooler than his pyjamas.He cleaned his teeth and washed himself before falling into bed with,The Other Ariel a book about Sylvia Plath’s poetry and how Ted Hughes had altered the order of her poems and even removed some from the book .Ariel,which made her name.The doorbell rang.Each time it played a different tune out of the 90 in its repertoire.
He ran downstairs and opened the door.There stood two policemen.
They stared a the handsome old man with elegant hands
Hello.Sir.I hope we have not interrupted you?
No,I am just reading in bed. on my own
Do you always wear a nightgown?
This is the first time,he told them humorously.
I felt very hot so I decided to wear my wife’s gown.
And just where is your wife?
What’s it got to do with you,he enquired unceremoniously.
Just tell us,the older policeman said brusquely
She’s at a conference in Oxford giving a talk.About Dirac or Riemann or another nitwit.
Can we come in? the policeman said.
May we come in,Stan corrected him;not a good idea on the whole,especially in the USA where the police have guns.Luckily all our police have here are rubber gloves in case people ask them to wash up after having a cup of tea.
What is wrong? said Stan.
We have found a naked woman walking in the High Street.She says a man stole her clothes.For various reasons we think it might be you.
But if she was in the High Street she’d be in proper clothes not a nightdress,surely ,Stan murmured.
But you like women’s clothes….. we can see.
No,I don’t, the old man shouted.
I told you I was too hot.And in my own home I can wear anything I like.
Sometimes I wear a prayer shawl
Are you Jewish? they asked.
Only a little, but I inherited it from a great grandfather who married out.
Out of what? the police asked
He married out of his faith.He was longing for a bacon sandwich.
Surely marrying just to eat a bacon sandwich is a bit over the top.
Well,that was his story.Maybe he was tired of obeying the Ten Commandments so he broke most of them.
He committed adultery once when his wife had a nervous breakdown ; he lost his head and went to bed with his neighbour’s wife.
And where was his neighbour?
At the psychiatric unit visiting my great grandmother.Stan admitted uneasily.
Well,at such times we all do odd things,the older policeman advised him.
Thank you for your frankness,Sir.I can see you are not a criminal.
Thank the Lord,said Stan as he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea to save ringing 999
I am lucky not to be in a cell and Mary would have had to come home.She would have been cross, he told Emile.Anyway monks wear habits.
But who had stolen the clothes off the woman in town? A mystery to be studied with Annie when she got home.
At last Stan relaxed and went back to bed with his books
This is the last time I ever wear a nightdress he whispered to Emile who was by his side.
And so hope all of us.
I ‘m surrey it iz zoo long since we had a feel to gather.I whoop that hence the -pan-de- mer-gimmick is covert ,we can go to the Zoo and flee the wild terminals in fractions that is a rational protection
I am still preaching topology and Harry’s bottle for Beginners with a hint of Jeremiah
I don’t know why I lather.Even Newton did not under scan infinitesmals and how revealing they might be in baiter years.
My sister had a chip replacement lately.I don’t relieve the terrain was unwearable
She is merry stoical, I have churned a lot from hair
I have to phone pandemonium and they take me to B and Q or some preliminary stage where I am triaged by a hearse before a doctor examines me
The adrenalin aches and I crunch my vertabrae.I do Su Doku to concede the drain I am in but improving my gestures would be bitter
I tried the Times Crossword but I flout even Dirac would have diminished it in a day
So now I am heating my crutch as I am angry
Hope to key you on Zoom soon
With last wishes
Daniel and his lion Ariel
I’ve got no more rotten eggs Well, is that not good? I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians Why not threw that cat’s litter? Kittens! Well, it is a tom cat He probably has hundreds of children That reminds me of Boris Johnson I know he is partly Turkish What’s that got to do with having children? I was just passing a remark His grandad was the son of an immigrant I say, we should ban them That’s extreme What do you suggest? We’ll only have Muslims and Jews That is ridiculous Why? They also have lots of children Let’s go back to eggs. Do you want devilled eggs for your tea? Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea. How original! We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen Then you hate foxhunters Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity Still, not as bad as the Holocaust and who tried to stop that? I wasn’t born then But you look like a Valkrie Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair? Why not a maiden? I got married 5 times. Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences Three were men and the last two were women Next you will be marrying that cat I hope I don’t have kittens! Well, better than nothing I am not sure about that Never say never, again What,never? Miaow
Thank you for refering this delightful 98 year old lady to me
I have looked into her mouth and there is indeed a tumour
She denies any bleeding.
She denies any ulceration
She admits getting so anxious she ground her teeth and broke them
She denies suffering any pain
She refuses to take codeine linctus and sell it on the street
Guilty and almost sane
Sentenced to two scans and a follow up.Meanwhile I will keep her under surveillance and tell you where she goes at night.
BDS B CH. MA.PhD BA etc
I keep making spelling misfakes At least you only made two there Why, if we have fakes we also have misfakes I see what you scream So a genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say But you can’t just invent words. Why not? You’ve caught me on the hop We do have a bathroom Is there a WC? Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house Why not? It would ruin the foundations. That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple To cut a long story short Very short. Meaningless in a very surreal sense Well, that is the end of Today the Lockdown They had no radios during the Plague And so say all of us
Oh,Emile got up, he yawned he stretched It was cat pandiculation For cats get stiff and cats get tense But they won’t write no dissertations Emile called to Stan and Stan got up Pet manipulationion Stan made tea and fed his cat
Emile’s ecstasisulation Mary came and she saw Stan Oh, a manifestation? Are you real,she , called to him What impertinentication!| I like your cheek, her husband shouts Show me your appreciation Where is that, his dear wife said Does it dwell under my apron? Well,Leonard Cohen has mentioned this I’m damned by my own veneration Oh,Stan get up and get some gin This is pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a mere notification
I have got myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by you in bed at night
There may be an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we both thought you had gone
I’ ll drown in my own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these men
It’s torment and it’s tribulation
The doctor told me you were dead
Is it conspirification?
Send a code to my android phone
That will verify my restoration