Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.
Emile was lying on his stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see any mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia’ Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She got up and found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.
That is logically and scientifically unsensible,Mary told him. Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her.
OK Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel Stan,she enquired.
I am thirsty,give me so brandy,he ordered her politely as he was very full of kindness.
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat.
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to seee the poor cat.
Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.
Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to get laid with your wife.
True,he replied but I am 96 you know.I have erectile malefaction already and am unwilling to have more mistresses and lovers or even concubines.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic I hope.
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted nervously.
That’s alright then.He can have concubines if he chooses.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow/
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and peperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as relics.
Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried…
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round he world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow
This isolation is not good for me
Unless there is a God,how could it be?
The viruses are not like friends who talk
Yet they can come with you on a walk
Invisible to naked human eyes
Viruses are now akin to spies
Who is watching me as I write this?
I’ve now forgotten who Paul Dirac was
Should I block the camera with white tape?
It might bring me some pleasure,ah, too late
Is it wrong for women to read books
New ideas might make us into freaks
Yesterday was warm but now it snows
I’ve got itchy spots and feel morose
Should I buy merino knickers now?
Should I breed some sheep or just a cow?
Why algebra exists is really queer
If you spot it then you are a seer.
Rings and groups and donuts are germane
Topology has driven me insane
What is small yet makes the gradient clear?
Calculus is like an atmosphere
Did you say Eureka in the bath?
It means you’ve met yourself without the glass
The microphone is faulty I proclaim
Perhaps I’m going deaf, we’re all insane
The phone is complex, perfect and effete
I cannot hear the voices when they speak
I got up in the night and wet my pants
That’s my husband’s ghost, the miscreant!
I had to wash pyjamas every day
4 pairs are enough if you are gay
Waiter, there’s a tear in my soup
How can you tell?
It’s quite clear
I can’t see anything
That’s the whole point
Waiter,my egg is too hard
If it’s boiled I can’t reverse that
What, all this modern science and we can’t soften a hard boiled egg
I could mix some butter into the yolk
I’ve eaten that
You are trying to eat the egg cup!
Is that what it is?
Did you not have any at home?
No, we never ate eggs
Now we know why!
My wife has had a baby
What’s its name?
It’s purple with crying
Well, it will stop eventually
I hope so.My wife is worn out
So why are you here?
She says after this pain she never wants to make love again
How do you feel about that?
Is it my fault God made the birth canal so narrow?
Well after a few more babies it will get wider
A few more!Can’t the doctor help?
Well, it’s against medical ethics really but he could use a shoe widener
His shoes are too narrow,
I suppose so.
I think it is too big
Well,she will forget when the baby sleeps
What fertilised the egg
And what does that?
Don’t you know?
I can’t tell the sex of s spider
No, when you have sex.
But we’ve had it 365 times and only had one baby
Better luck next time
The sun was shining in the night
I woke at half past three
The moon was cut in half again
Send the rest a flea
The night was dark, the light was off
Please do not blame me
The cat was hungry so I made
Some chips and Earl Grey tea
My husband was asleep again
So I climbed the Xmas tree
I found no coins or chocolates
Just a mouldy pack of Brie
I hunted high,I hunted low
But found no new decree
I spun till I got vertigo
And fell into the sea
Here I float on a small boat
Will God still love my me?
I’ve got liquid Quink on all my clothes
I thought that everyone would like to know
I’ve got moth holes in my sweaters like small eyes
But my winter coat is still almost alright
I’ve had this coat for fifteen years,it’s brown
It drapes quite well, the maker is renowned
I must put it on to take a walk outside
To see which plants have died and which survived
My husband would be very shocked indeed
My tights have gaping holes upon my knees
The ink has penetrated to my vest
God knows where that Quink will wander next
If your clothes are damaged, do not cry
At least 5,000 moths have learned to fly
Please choose a gentle piece of music for your ringtone
[But nothing from Wagner any way]
We all have insomnia.Just work through it
We regret live sex is not allowed but you can dream
Mobile groans will be ignored
Please do not shock us by rising from the bed
Please sit down on your chair and not the consultant’s knee.
Kindly do not tell the doctor he is stupid.He knows already.
The doctor is only a pest when exhausted
Kindly pretend to listen to the Consultant on his round
Kindly do not eat cream buns or meringues in front of the Consultant.He is on a diet.
Kindly avoid catching any bugs belonging to or emanating from this hospital and vice versa
Please do not swallow your Kindle Fire before lights out.Buy a bigger one next time
Keep yourself clean.Take a bed by the open window during a storm.
Kindly avoid dying when we are busy.You can if you think you can
Kindly do not write verse on your sheets unless in water soluble ink
Kindly recover before Friday as we are shutting for the weekend
Kindly write poetry on paper and not on your arms and legs.
Kindly do not copy these rules down.They are our secret.
Kindly keep all you hear secret especially from visitors
Please do not breathe out bad breath
We will take you for a scan in Rymans if you pay.
Bribes are forbidden, but we take them anyway
We love all religions,but don’t argue in here.Go outside and fight if you must.
Don’t convert us while ill
Be holier than thou
Confession is available of Saturdays 5-8 pm if you can walk and talk
Where is God?
Don’t send me an apron for Xmas
When all that I want is a glove
A glove for the oven
Its hands must be frozen
Let’s drown the old oven in love.
Don’t send me a card on my birthday
I cannot remember your name
Just bake me a cake
I prefer it to steak
Don’t limp unless you are lame
Don’t change the sheets every week,dear
For washing them makes them wear thin
Just give me a brush
I’ll beat off the fluff
Then we can both have some fun
Don’t give me bacon for breakfast
God won’t let Jews eat it yet
His aversion to swine
Is what makes him divine
The fig tree is dead I regret
When strangers ask for photos of you nude
Or wearing clothes so scanty they’ll go blind
Let them see your feet without their shoes
Let them see your twisted toes turn blue
Let them see the bunions God designed
When strangers ask for photos rather rude
Can one solve a crossword with no clues?
Can one have no bosom and look fine?
Can they love your feet without cute shoes?
When you’re feeling sad and life is blue
When you long for love but not divine
When gentlemen want photos somewhat crude
Try to sell them on the Evening News
Take the veil or drink the Altar Wine
Let them kiss your feet without their shoes
When you’re looking for the hidden signs
Don’t read numbers settlers left behind
When strangers ask for photos, give them clues
Let them wash your feet but make them queue
He kept his tongue in his cheek too long so he couldn’t eat
Starved to death
She had her head screwed on the wrong way
Lack of light
He wouldn’t wear his glasses so fell down a well
Unconscious suicidal wish or vanity led to error
She wore shoes that were too small and developed 100 untreated corns
Died of stupidity or poverty
His brain got stuck on the underground as his head fell off his body.
The glueless disease
She wore a yellow bikini on the beach which attracted a lot of wasps
Need I say more?
Died fighting as men wept
She was baking bread but got into the oven and was roasted with a potato
Bad luck.Only do one thing at a time
Died of hyperactivity and lack of concentration
He was writing a blog post and got sad as it seemed too poor
Then he drowned his sorrows [ and himself
He got chilblains which stopped him from walking so his blood froze
Verdict: Bad weather and lack of housing
Arthritis made her so stiff we put her into a coffin and accidentally buried her
Verdict-Misadventure and human error
She fell over the cat and hit her head on the fridge
Verdict? Misfortune as skull too thin
She got off a moving bus as the doors opened
Verdict: Died of conceit
Oh,Mary is in horrid pain
It’s her sciatica again.
No pills can cure but nettles might
She will roll in them tonight
Emile is aware of this
He gives her a loving kiss
Emile, I’ve told you it’s not done
To kiss your mother though in fun
What would Stan think,were he here
Drinking from a can of beer?
What would Annie think of this?
Go, give her a big wet kiss
Oh,mother I might bite her lip
As my teeth are made to nip
Take my emery board and smooth
Your pointed teeth and any grooves
Can I use Stan’s old toothbrush
No, I’ve put it in the Wash
Maybe seals will use it there
Send them combs and do not swear
I did not mean to curse again
My back is aching,I’ve no pluck
Mother, dearest, don’t say feck
Well, that’s Irish, it’s ok
The Catholics wlil offer prayers
I pray too for all my friends
Those bereaved or round the bend
Do you mean those who see ghosts ?
Maybe it’s the heavenly Host
As long as you look clean and neat
Noone will see your hooves or feet
Noone will know you see and hear
Emissaries from other spheres.
Don’t meet eyes nor stare at men
And always write with a good pen
You may be in another realm
Dave can see you’r overwhelmed
He will pat your head this day
For this he gets his kicks and pay
When you feel yourself again
See it you can spot old Stan
Where is Annie,Mary’s friend?
Where the Spirit which descends
Where are our neighbours whom we love?
Singing with the turtle dove
All the Saints will chant along
As Jesus sings his ancient songs
Spirits rise and Love is here
Drinking in the atmosphere
Can your dentist play the flute
The violin or the French Horn?
Do you know that teeth have roots?
Are your shrewd, are you astute
Did you smile when you were born?
Can your dentist play the flute?
Did Abert Einstein play with Newts
Can you love or are you lorn?
Do you know that teeth have roots?
Were you chatty, were you mute?
Did you love in golden corn?
Can your dentist play the flute?
Do the men say,you are cute?
Do they love your curvy form?
Do you know that teeth have roots?
Read the music, play a storm
The Albert Hall is very warm
Can your father play the flute
Do you know that words have roots?
Why do bras have 2 cups?
Because nobody uses saucers now!
Why do men wear briefs?
So they won’t lose them on the way to the Court
Why do women not wear skirts?
So we can rate their bottoms as their tops are brief and their leggings too tight
And their stockings are invisible even when darned
Are you pulling my leg?
I can’t even see it.
You could still touch it
Not here,we’ll be on the News
In the bath
There may be a hidden camera
Who wants to see people in the bath?
Can you blackmail by email?
Better use voicemail
How clever you are
Bedankt voor ye briefke
Fire and Ice
They tell me I’ve got three years
What did you do?
Stopped chemotherapy, got all my money together and sailed round the world
But I have no money left.They said I’d die in one year
I am so sorry you are still alive.Those doctors are idiots
I’ll have to go on benefits
Just applying might kill you
Well. God knows I want somewhere to live
Try a Stable!
I can’t afford to be ill.What’s the cheapest way to die?
Either starvation or Beachy Head
I long to visit Gaza first
I’ve never seen a person strip
And if you go near the Border….. it could be the answer to your prayers.
I’ve not prayed for years
Just a metaphor.You could go to the USA and as you are black the police may kill you free if you can’t pay for your cigarettes.Just get a fake 20 dollar bill before shopping
I can make one here
You mean you are a crook?
Not yet, but I am hoping
I’ve got schizophrenia and I need money for therapy
You mean they charge the sick?
They are just being politically correct
It reminds me of the Light Brigade
They say a foetus is sacred
Yes, until birth!
Well,I’ll have to think about this
I prefer never to think
Where are you,dear? the husband cried in vain
Anaphylaxis is not a maiden’s name
Files don’t carry axes nor are axes filed
I’ve had just one attack but it was quite mild
The risks of drugs, the cure that kills or maims
The cursed allergy, its deathly fame
The perils of the life of solitude
As Baez sings and Dylan’s voice intrudes
The fear that whispers through the widow’s ear
Never shall another lover disappear
The paradox of double negative
The logic of the heart,Pascal will give
The heavy doze, the silent home and place
Noone sees the tears, the shame, the face
I get up in the morning after twenty cups of tea
I dress in some bright clothing that will make God worship me
I am getting so much older and I never learned to flirt
How did I have time to go to work ?
I spend a long time daydreaming,I love a reverie
Now I have no cat at all, my new plants all love me
I sit and write my poetry, it doesn’t have to hurt
How did I have time to go to work?
I’ve a prayer plant from the tropics,Brazilian so I read
I’m buying it some pebbles, it likes a waterbed
I’ve also got a Peace Lily, surveillance is covert
How did I have time to go to work?
Time they say is precious, as they run with manic verve
Like a tangent to a circle, they miss the holy curve
My ambition is for indolence, my ideas I will nurse
Why did I waste time and go to work?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times in a very real sense.
Mary dreamed Stan was in heaven enjoying the company of Wittgenstein,Jesus and Pascal , not to mention Lady Jane Grey Ann of Cleves,Juliet,Cleopatra and an angel.
At least at this point in time he can’t sleep with them ,she thought as she woke up.Though did that matter? Can men be faithful and monogamous?
Look at Leonard Cohen.Was he better off flitting from flower to flower? Was he so stunning that women threw themselves at him and he could not resist?Sometimes people are actually afraid of intimacy or feel life is short and want some new experiences.Was he a wolf? It t akes one to know one
It was indeed almost the worst of times when Mary remembered she had no food in the house except cat food for Emile.He was all she had now as her daughter Lyra lived in Australia and Stan was in heaven, she hoped.
Here I am, she thought, pondering unanswerable questions and not looking after myself .It is probably best to err on the side of buying food and going out rather than lying in the bed wondering if life has any inherent meaning. or if we must create our own.
Even discussing that with someone else would be better.But men folk don’t want to discuss serious topics with their lovers.
It was an even worse time when she recalled a man who once loved her leaving her because she asked him if he knew what post-modernism was one night after going to the cinema to see a comedy.She realised then that she would have to play a part,To act like a woman.So far it was but moderately successful owing to her myopic view of life
If only I had kept quiet, she told herself,I could be lying beside him now enjoying a few kisses and hugs and asking him how to light the electric fire.Still ,there’s many a slip twixt cup and lip
Now then, said a loud voice.Stop ruminating and get up. One stitch in time saves nine.
Who are you to say that to me, she called nervously ?
She wondered of stress had driven her round the bend.She had begun reading a book which said mental illness in not an illness like flu.
It is a reaction to bad events and other life strains.
It doesn’t matter who I am,just do as I say, came the answer
Mary recognised the voice.It was her dad who had died when she was 9.
Dad, she called, why are you here now?
Because Jesus told us to love our family, he revealed pleasantly.
Why now after all these years? she persisted.
I have missed you.
I always did have a bad sense of direction,he told her.But do as I say.You won’t recover easily if you never get up.Stan is here but he is busy cleaning the gold cutlery for an angel.
Alright, but I never knew there was cutlery up there, she murmured as she put on her new clothes.She had bought some purple trousers and two new jumpers.One was pink and one was teal.The trousers were exceptionally comfortable being in a last years’ sale by a famous label..She then found some Weetabix in the cupboard and some long life milk.As she drank her tea she admired the acer’s brilliant red leaves.
Almost too bright, she thought.It’s due to the hot September.Plants are affected by their environment and so are we.Especially by bad or hot tempered men and women
Poor people may have more than in the past but they tend to live in the ugliest areas of the town with no gardens nor parks.
And seeing the better off walk by wearing expensive clothes it is surprising there are not even more muggings.
She recalled seeing a man with a Rolex watch and gold earrings on talking on his new iPhone as he wandered through the Mall.I suppose we think everybody else is like us; we don’t mix with very poor or very rich people on the whole.Unless we are one of those two types.
Mary went outside and found a neighbour wheeling in her bins.
Thanks ,Tom, she cried.I wondered who it was.I am very grateful.What is post modernism,by the way?Nobody will tell me.
Emile was watching from the window sill.
I knew it was Tom, he mewed.
But you didn’t tell me,Mary replied.
You didn’t ask.
Tom wandered off ,while Mary admired the autumn trees lining the road.Tom turned back and looked at her but she didn’t notice.
Time for coffee, she muttered and went inside again.She was embroidering a table mat which said “Rumination is for the birds”.Where it had come from was a puzzle.But it may be a good thought
And so say all of us
May I confess my sins online,Father?
If you must.
Well, I don’t like Boris Johnson
Is that it?
Sorry to be so boring.
Everyone today is confessing the same thing
I just saw him!
Yes, he hates himself too
Is he a Catholic?
Well. Hitler was.
But was Johnson brought up as one?
Well, he knows how to confess sins
That’s no use unless he stops committing them
Right, he has no firm purpose of amendment.
He compliments Trump for his racist outbursts
He may even complement Trump.
Stitch them together and there is still something missing
Humanity, humaneness,caritas, agape,care,kindness
I see you went to a good Seminary,Father.I used to like the Latin Mass
But not Latins en masse
I prefer them to the English
That is a sin.We must love equally
Can’t we hate equally instead?
I am ambivalent about that
You’re a Paradox
Where do they originate?
This is getting rude
No it’s not!
Don’t contradict me
It’s an order
Or a disorder?
Stop playing games
Who’re you? Wittgenstein?
What a shame
Actually would he enjoy living in England now
No, because he was Jewish.
So are lots of people.
Somehow they get hurt or even killed at times
In the Times
Of the times
Well it’s about time we stopped it.
Time and Motion
Soon we’ll have the Flood
Why has Boris not built an Ark?
Because he doesn’t Noah how to
Because God didn’t see him
Because there was a full stop at the end of the sentence.
Is that not normal?
Not on WhatsApp!
What is up?
What is down?
I don’t know, where’s the Eskimos snow
With words. he pulled some in and pushed some out
He wanted love but still encountered doubts
Should he make commitments then feel trapped?
Should he disappear from lovers’ maps?
He joined an online dating site and smiled
His profile photo strong and slightly wild
He got ten ladies asking for a date
Did they want a lover or a mate?
He gazed upon their photos,felt confused
Did he want a wife or perhaps a muse?
He could not bring himself to use the phone
Spent the evening time at home alone
He fell into obsessive thought and dreams
A new friend may be party to a scheme
Could he trust his judgement or their truth
Soon he lost his temper, gnashed his teeth
Should he seek a therapist for aid?
Was his mind withdrawn or in decay?
Should he join a gym or grow a beard?
Was he what they wanted, what they feared?
In the end he thought his life away
He died in bed alone one autumn day
It does not matter deeply what we choose
But life is more important than these clues
Can we change our point of view alone?
What can give perspective to a poem?
Shall I outline what we ought to do?
Shall I sketch the patterns,are you blue?
Move your eyes and you will move your soul
Looking at the men queue for the dole
Do you want to mix the colours first
Oh,I drank the water, what a thirst
I shall use my tea and this gouache
Let the colours wander as they splash
Women nursing babies need good food
If you have no children, do not brood
When Hitler went to Munich in a rage
We got a new perspective of the age
I didn’t go myself for I was framed
I was just encrypted ,it’s no shame
Never use a rubber when you’re wrong
Never kill a blackbird while it sings
Never go to bed with any one
Make it two or three, we need some fun
Never use art pastels on your cheeks
Never use a water jar that leaks
You must be spontaneous as a rule
To produce cartoons, you must be cruel
You must learn techniques and then forget
Never tell the Universe we met.
Remember every line I draw for you
Never store your water in a shoe
Oh,mother dear wherever have you been
To leave a cat all day is very mean
Emile,I need my freedom now and then
I can’t love Dave but I would like a man
I must go out to buy a handsome coat
Cognac is the colour I love most
Emile cried, whatever do you think
I saw some frogs a-courting in the sink
I was on the draining rack up there
They asked me to avert my amber stare
Are frogs faithful, don’t they just leave spawn?
They are cold towards tadpoles unborn
We saw them by Moss Bank in shallow pools
Mary wonders if all frogs are cruel
Stan came in with his angels right behind
They are tired of heaven, they’ve resigned
Here’s a pin upon which they can dance
Mary was delighted and entranced
Do you need a dinner now you’ve died?
I wouldn’t mind a steak, the old man sighed
Some buttered new potatoes and a fool
Rhubarb or vanilla would be cool
I have done no shopping, Mary cried
I have no money for the food you like
Shall I get a pizza, fish and chips
That will put some colour in your lips
I am only joking, Stanley said
I shall merely visit you in bed
Emile wept with joy to see his Dad
What a spirit, is he going mad?
In came Annie in her long green coat
Her eyes were black and scratched was her throat
I fell into the Croal when eating chips
See the bruises on my purple lips
Never walk on water,Mary screeched
Even when you cross all Southport Beach
Stay away from danger,I’ll ring Dave
He will dress your bruises with his gauze
Annie did not tell them all the truth
She had fallen off the sloping roof
At last my one ambition is fulfilled
I have a desk where I may write at will
No more the dining table or a board
A two desk family is safely moored
Men must have their study if they write
Though grandad was a coalminer at night
And Father was a writer in gold paint
Embellishing the Churches with quotes quaint
He also did The Stations of the Cross
Then he died, what torment ,oh what loss.
We went to see his grave and said a prayer
Jesus was so quiet, hardly there.
But I believe in love and always will
Now I’ll write my poems with a quill
If you need to find the perfect man
Find one who’s a good companion
For as we age we are not acrobats
Preferring to dance slowly as we chat
If you can go further, keep it quiet
Or all your lonely neighbours may cause riots
Very few lack a last faint desire
Eying others in the Oldies’ Choir
But when at home we like to read and talk
Take the cat out for his daily walk
Only jealousy revives the beast
So with a married women flirt at least
There is value in all kinds of sin
Whatever life you choose, you’ll always win
The writer told me psychopaths love dogs
Those who murder rarely keep a cat
I wonder if a thief might love a frog!
The author told me psychopaths love dogs
Cookbook writers might go the whole hog;
Sad ghouls enjoy the company of bats
The writer told me psychopaths keep dogs
Those who murder never love a cat
I dreamed she tried to smother me one night
I had had suspicions with deep roots
I screamed ad yelled and kicked her, as one might
Then she tortured me with brilliant light
As her minions climbed down from the roof
I dreamed she tried to smother me, alive
She looked so ugly, she gave demons fright
I wished I were a donkey kicking hoof
I screamed and yelled,confused ten megabytes
Her muscles strong, her grip was over tight
I tried to crash her laptop, no re- boot
I dreamed she tried to smother me last night
I wished I were a tiger with cruel bite
Or God whose name to angels was a proof
I screamed and shouted 999, please write
She was more sadistic than astute
She gave me pain, this action her debut
I dreamed she tried to cut me off last night
The two pint flask saved tea, my perfect right
I used to teach maths to those willing
They already knew weights and billing
I liked them to solve all my problems
Without making use of odd goblins
My problems were many and varied
By men I was too often harried
I tried to look plain and demented
And rarely was I ever scented
I feared I would bore myself speaking
The same age old problems repeating
So I never prepared for my classes
I made errors, correct, for the masses
I don’t know why we did complex numbers
More severe than the Ferry cross the Humber
We also did groups,rings and fields
Gambled and stuffed jellied eels
So why am I here writing poems
Or collecting gold one pound coins?
I have no idea, my reader
But I have got no faith in our leader
Be wary of viruses merry
Eat raw tomatoes and cherries
Spend all the time you have left
Discerning the warp and the weft
1.You must eat exactly one meal a day.This will make you lose weight, stop shopping, save money and wreck the economy.Thin people cough less
2.You must make your phone accessible to the Government. We mean Us. DC and BJ
3.If you commit a crime and are jailed, you will get a meal on alternate days.You may lose weight
So you can slip through the bars!
4.You will wash your undies once a week.Yes, the same pair.Save water, we sold it to Spain
5.Please do not get hunger pings or pangs while in the street or at home
6.If you feel too hungry, you may have a boiled eel on toast cursing you
7.You can be too thin; it is not illegal.
8.You can’t be too rich anymore… the tax man cometh
9.Please sweep your street and eat any pizzas you find
10.Your cat can eat as much as she likes.So you may eat her leftovers
Not the whole tin
11.Do you swear to fix the roof, the whole roof and nothing but the roof?
12.Please do not eat refugees before we count them.Data matters
13.If the pandemic spreads we will put you all in cages.Like in the USA
14.No pretending to be a twin.Not even a tub
15.Lose weight,pray and soon you will be in Heaven.
Wanted: Disguised spies in each street in Britain.No questions in Nothern Ireland
Just take photos.
Pay £7.00 per week plus bonus at Xmas [ £2.00]
Your Government UK
Trapped in home made offices , we work
Reading from our screens, no space for thought
As we type ,our tender fingers hurt
Not the copperplate that I was taught
No commuting, no more fraught deceit
Harder are affairs, no private door
No more kisses unless they are quite fleet
Just daydreams, which will come to be no more
No walking to the station at sunrise
No hour alone to read or look without
All is known, where is the grand surprise?
Where the room for thoughtlessness or doubt?
Work from home but keep some private space
Do not harm your friends, keep from disgrace
Instead of going to the pub to meet men,Mary went on FB and changed her name
Unfortunatly her name was also changed on the Page where she was insulted and every where she had been.
I have learned something useful, she said to Dave who had come because Emile had rung 999
Better if you had not visited their page,he told her sensibly, then Emile would be happy
Yes, she said,each side is as bad as the other,You must either totally agree or be called a vicious
Monster.There is no space for debate so why even try?
Just then the phone rang
Hello, it’s Noreen ,she heard
Mary, I am so happy you have changed your name
Are you,Mary asked in suprise
Yes,my grandparents were Scottish and none of the relatives are left,
so as you are partly Scottish too it’s lovely you chose to emphasis that
Well, stone the crows,Mary thought.How unpredictable life is.And how one unexpected event led to a good talk with Noreen
Well, since Stan is not here,I’d better do some housework. she told Dave
On the hand if Annie and you,Dave, accept my untidiness, why should i worry?
After all it’s wonderful finding books I had forgotten I had.Not to mention 30 pairs of tights and my reading glasses
Emile looked at her turquoise glasses
Can I have some reading glasses Mother?
Why? demanded Mary angrily
Then they will read stories to me as they can already read
Mary wondered how to explain to a cat that the lenses of humans’ eyes become less flexible
with age like their minds, perhaps
Then she thought of Donald Trump who needs King Canute
to explain that no human is omnipotent and that viruses are unable to distinguish between him and
another old person even Joe Biden
Why the family of the first virus might have relatives near Joe.
But how do viruses communicate?They have no voices,eyes or hands
Might it be they live in another reality? Do they have minds withour havig brains?
Or brains without minds
Dave ran out of the house wondering how to help Mary
And so would all of us!
While Annie departed in her unsuitable violet velvet trenchcoat for a holiday in Cleethorpes,Mary took a look at her FaceBook page before cleaning the grate
You are a vile ,vicious person,Mary someone unknown from the Church of the Hard Left had written
Well,I suppose eventually we all get stung by wasps, she muttered silently.Another person wrote, you are too stupid to have been to Oxford
Maybe I should have gone to Cambridge, she pondered
Don’t they realise that if they attack me personally it shows they can’t answer my questions?
Why, there is a name for that…ad hominem?
I know , said Annie, giving Mary a traumatic shock as she made no noise entering.
It was too wet in Cleethorpes and there were no donkeys on the beach so I have come home.
Have you any spare food
You can eat with me,.I doubt if they let large people ride on the donkeys,Mary teased her
Well,I’m not as fat as you,Annie cried rudely unable to contain her rage silently
Even so,you may be too large for a donkey to carry you.Mary advised her ruefully
Well, they should get stronger donkeys,Annie said critically
How about an elephant,Mary joked in her cliched way
What are you doing on FB?
I have changed my surname to my Irish grandmother’s name
What is it?
I’ve never heard of it.
She married a Scot,And I hoped those horrible people won’t know it
You could wash up or make the bed instead
I am tired of making beds and getting dressed
Indeed Mary did look odd in a long striped dress from Land’s End and some hobnailed boots
That dress is weird,Annie called.It’s like something from a Museum
Oh, do stop criticising me;I have seen noone so why worry?Who cares
But God can see you
Do you think God is concerned about me wearing an orange and purple dress?
I have no idea, but I don’t like orange unless it’s the sky at sunset
Oh,my.I didn’t know my clothing might make you feel ill.No wonder men don’t ask me out.
Do you want a man?
Well, they give a background to life;they come in handy like electric tin openers
Emile mewed loudly,I don’t like that.You should value men more
OK Emile,I shall try my best.I’ll have to go to the pub to meet some
Can I come too?
I don’t feel a talking tomcat is a suitable accessory for a lady
I won’t say a word, the poor animal replied.Am I now called McCracken too ?
No, it’s only my virtual name,Mary assured him sensitively
I am sure you could have got a better one, given more time,Annie said thoughtlessly
I just didn’t want to think anymore,Mary said with anger in her voice
I can understand that.There is too much thought and not enough feeling
in modern society.
And so feel all of us
The glare of yellow street lamps on the snow
The thick green hedge where cats curled up to die
The ice and frost above, the worms below.
The tarmaced road,the sidewalks, seem to glow
No pleasure comes from neon lights so high
Oh, stare of yellow street lamps on the snow
As the red sun dies, our blood won’t flow
Take an aspirin, calm’s a good ally
The ice and frost above, the soul below
Bare my feet and numb are all my toes
My socks are holed.I’m darned if I know why
Oh, glare of yellow street lamps on the snow
My nails are thick like monsters’ fearsome claws
Podiatry is hard to get,I’ve tried
The ice and frost above, the souls sleep slow
The world is puzzled, minds are all awry
There’s nothing in a shop but rot to buy
The glare of yellow street lights on the snow
The ice and frost above, the dead below.