London is bewildered by its roads The Circular, the North,the South, the Codes The Morse and the Enigma Turing broke So now we have new bicycles with spokes
Once we had the A to Z in hand Turn it upside down and you’ll be grand New technology has made gigantic strides Carrying us to Eden ,what a ride
The motorways are empty for tonight God decided we had too much Light He taught the bare cheeked Moon on Jesus’ mount To turn the other side when love’s about
I liked to use a compass and a map But now, my dear, most everything’s on tap I crouch beneath my sister as she drives In the dark on the M 25
But if it’s closed, we are completely foxed We left the old Road Atlas in a box Along with all my ex’s underpants And naturally his principles of Kant
We may be in Watford or in Bucks I often wonder what will rhyme with luck We may be near St Alban’s, we can’t see The car ran up the trunk of this oak tree
We rang 999 and they are her A fire engine filled with Kentish beer A ladder for the ladies to climb down Now they are just women on the town
London won’t exist ,destroyed by cars Angry men who cannot find a bar
The Waistland by T S Telescope The Long Waist of Time by W H Audacity A Waste of Honey by A, Jung-Lady Look Whinger on this Hire Land Now by A.Writespeare A Good Figure Brooks No Waste by Colbert Arnstein
Where is the my waist. doctor ? I can’t feel anything Neither can I.
You are too fat It’s for when Brexit happens You can live off it? In more than one way. I see, you are a mathematician How did you guess? Did you not study Probability? Probably. It’s hard to discern the meaning here, or is it my grammar? Don’t be afraid to have more than two possibilities How many is ideal? Three Is that the Trinity A Trinity This theology is getting me down Nearer the ground where the worms and beetles live Is that good? Probably I see a photon You can’t see them but do you see with them? I wish I could buy some They are not spectacles, you know Well, are they fireworks? Or Watches for the Blind and Radios for the Dead Do you mean deaf? Pardon?
There’s nowt so queer as foes The stuffed wives of Henry the Beast The Will of the Mass The Mad Will Why be a Catholic, just to lapse? Jesus was a wafer with no icecream,I thought as I bit him tenderly Evening class: build your own Cross [ wood £89 ono] By a therapist:I used to suffer badly from loopholes and other stories Clean your own blood: what dialysis means to me now Everyone else is better than me; a neurosis lived in real time How to make your TV smart: do not put vinegar on it yet I see and hear things noone else does.Genius or Liar? How to make your own foot bawl
Sir Oliver’s Rabble The War of the Poses
Mary, been and gone
Please wash before playing cards I didn’t know playing cards washed but I am happy to obey
Pleae be polite to other customers whether real or imaginary I think only Godel can solve this one and he went mad
Please call a cab if you are drunk Even if I am not going anywhere?
Don’t get overexcited about your new husband I didn’t realise he was new.
To avoid being put in a mental hospital, do manual work every day and always be polite even to politicians, hallucinations,mathemativians and anyone else hanging around
When you can sit down drinking tea all day and doing nothing that is Nirvana
Sewing is good especially mending and replacing buttons First, take off the buttons from your cardigan Find a needle and some matching thread I use easy thread needles as I am limited by visions Once they go,I thread my needle and sew the button back where I took if from Don’t do it too tight But, not too loose either If unhappy,repeat this over and over until bedtime
Knitting is good but wool is expensive Try buying online but make sure which country you are in first Get a friend to help you No friends? Try being polite and listening to others before you speak to them Otherwise, go to Church and pray.
But miracles don’t happen every day Are you too picky? Are you too excited to realise most people have not heard of quantum cookery
Your kettle won’t boil You have lost the tea bags The water is not hot enough for you to take a bath The TV won’t come on You need some fish and chips A button came off your coat The cat is on your chair Your phone needs charging You want some cigarettes Yout partner is in a bad temper The sheets need changing Your jeans are crumpled
I like to go to sleep,I feel so hot I need an ice cold drink by my old bed There must be something else,but I forget Why was Albert Einstein full of smut? Relatively speaking, he was shot A photon waved and particled a dot When you’re living you’re not really dead I like to go to bed,I have no plot I buy a book and eat the words I’ve read
Why do we have roast beef on Sundays? So mother can clean the oven while we go for a walk in the park?
I say, what thick lips you have! Is that a compliment or an insult? Gosh,clever too
For Xmas he gave me lavender wax polish and a new duster I gave him an insult
For my birthday he gave me silk scarf.He’s never noticed I don’t wear scarves, bracelets and dangly earrings. I wonder why he married you? So does he.
I got so angry,I said I suggest you marry a man next time.Someone as obnoxious as you. He said, it’s a sin Well, think how I feel.
He loved dripping.He bought a new car just to drive around Essex seeing if the butchers sold beef or bacon dripping Then what? He died of blocked arteries.They were worse than the North Circular before the M25 What about the car? Is that all you can think of when I have lost my husband? Well, you should have eaten all the dripping yourself What!Murderess.You wish I’d died first? It might have stopped a lot of arguments Shooting every one in Britain would have stopped brexit Except for the gunmen The EU would not want them. What’s logic got to do with it?