Let me be your end

Don’t say you bait me already
Let me be your  end
I want to blow Rome
Yes,I am very prized
Is  that flea yours?
I think we should get a bed
What colour is your  behind?
I hope she likes my revolver
She’s a rhinocerus  at the hospital with a camera
The doctor promised to visit your grave.
I’ll take your ashes to the Surgery  on Ash Wednesday although he is a Hindu
Don’t  say you are off colour altogether
I say,you look  really vague today
Don’t ask  me for six every night
But I’m so hot I need an ice tube
Don’t keep hawking  about texts

Round the bend

The Wash, Lincolnshire, England | Images of england, Lincolnshire, England

Oh,Mary is in horrid pain
It’s her sciatica again.
No pills can cure but nettles might
She will roll in them tonight
Emile is aware of this
He gives her a loving kiss

Emile, I’ve told you it’s not done
To kiss your mother though in fun
What would Stan think,were he here
Drinking from a can of beer?
What would Annie think of this?
Go, give her a big wet kiss

Oh,mother I might bite her lip
As my teeth are made to nip
Take my emery board and smooth
Your pointed teeth and any grooves
Can I use Stan’s old toothbrush
No, I threw it in the Wash

Maybe seals will use it there
Send them combs and do not swear
I did not mean to curse again
My back is aching,I’ve no pluck
Mother, dearest, don’t say fuck

Well, that’s Irish, it’s ok
The Catholics wlil offer prayers
I pray too for all my friends
Those bereaved or round the bend
Do you mean those who see ghosts ?
Maybe it’s the heavenly Host

As long as you look clean and neat
Noone will see your hooves or feet
Noone will know you see and hear
Emissaries from other spheres.
Don’t meet eyes nor stare at men
And always write with a good pen

You may be in another realm
Dave can see you’r overwhelmed
He will pat your head this day
For this he gets his kicks and pay
When you feel yourself again
See it you can spot old Stan

Where is Annie,Mary’s friend?
Where the Spirit which descends
Where are our neighbours whom we love?
Singing with the turtle dove
All the Saints will chant along
As Jesus sings his ancient songs

Spirits rise and Love is here
Drinking in the atmospher

Whimsical and sensible ways to save money

Find out what kind of fish swim in the rivers or lakes near you

Find out if it’s legal to fish the rivers that do have trout or other edible fish And if it is legal start fishing assuming you can afford a fishing rod

The French eat snails so why don’t the British eat slugs? They must have some protein in their bodies!

See if it’s cheaper to make your own butter from milk then to buy butter in the supermarket.

Or switch to something cheaper. I don’t like margarine but if you can find a spread for your bread you might save a bit

If you are healthy but overweight you will save money by eating less and you will also help your joints.

Why not let your cat have kittens? When the kittens are mature enough you may be able to sell them but do make sure they go to good homes.

Don’t buy any clothes unless they are essential. I know that many of you still can’t even afford what is essential. Trying to keep warm it’s difficult in winter especially if you don’t drive so go to charity shops a to buy woollen scarf or hats gloves fabric gloves are quite warm.

Shoes can be very expensive.

Maybe you are alright for the moment but make sure you have some rainproof shoes for the winter.

During world war II people lived on a relatively restricted diet. They had no choice and some managed better than others.

I don’t think you are going to find many frogs legs or toads willing to be putting holes.

If you are throwing away a lot of food at the end of the week

Then you are buying too much.

Analyse what you’ve not eaten I’ll ask yourself why why did you buy it and or why did you not eat it? Then learn from this what not to buy

If you have to have people around for a meal I think most people will be happy with the simple dish and your company.

If not ask yourself whether you really have to see these people. People who are rude to you because of the food you give them probably not worth knowing.

When I was young I made a complicated dish I had never used gelatin so I used jelly out of a packet and I was meant to know where we’re eating that this was a dreadful error.

She wasn’t invited again even when I could use gelatin

If you need to wear glasses they are very expensive nowadays. Have a proper eye test and save money on the friends if you have to.

Try to get to a dentist if you have not been during the pandemic. Save your teeth now and save money later

Hearing aids United

They profit from an over sensitive tense sinful puma

He quaffs, lentil she cries.

Have you hot manure peering on?

Where are your tentacles. Goats feeding bed everyday

I’ll give you some cunning data.

Could you row toothy Stinks?

Where are you weeping insight?

She went to Mass without a pistol. She didn’t even have a bat.

Please Father I’d like to wake some repressions.

You are refusing me constantly

Through my coast ingenious missiles.

Do you consent?

Well I am a fairy

How many media sins today?

Through my most ingenious assault. my son was committed

For your menace pray for our father.

Am I my brother’s torture?

I can’t correspond you twat.

Please do not bare your quirks

What is the wine?

It is herbs funeral

I didn’t know you could blink after death

Oh,steam iron I worship you

Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Oh,steam iron how I love your heat
And how you make my clothes so neat.
A flat iron is no use to me
No open fire is here,you see
And though I liked the flickering coals
I feared those faces that looked droll.
They were in the flames and peered
At anyone who ventured near.
I wonder how the people past
Kept their trousers neat and pressed
Now I’ve bought a hand steamer
To keep the germs off my femurs
I didn’t like to say,my crotch,
In case the devil is on watch.
I never ever used to think
My body perfume was distinct.
And yet it may appeal to men
I don’t want to try again.
One dear husband is enough
Though he did enjoy a cough
He had asthma and bad eyes
Looking out with wild surmise.
He saw my golden hair float by
As by his window it did fly
All at once he fell for me
And we sat by an apple tree.
His clothes were wrinkled so I thought
I would iron them for a start.
He could darn and polish floors
Cook lamb chops and apple cores
So my steam iron sees much use
I wonder if it’s self abuse
For as a woman feminist
I’m not meant to iron vests
I’m not meant to boil men’s socks
Nor their pants of interlock
I’m not meant to make them tea
What a naughty person,me!
I must confess these strangling sins
Then I’ll polish my old bin.
Satan wants me down in hell
Don’t say he needs my iron as well
As he was an angel proud
I’ll save him into One Drive Cloud

How to successfully waste even more money

Why not buy yourself a brand new winter coat in your favourite colour even if you already have 10 winter coats

And since the autumn is coming on why don’t we subscribw to our favourite magazines as the weather gets bad and we can’t get out to the newsagents to buy them.

Doesn’t every woman deserve some new new leather boots for the winter even if it never snows where she lives.

Why bother to go shopping stock up your food cupboard or fridge when you can order a takeaway delivered to your door every evening?

Oh maybe one of your friends would like to eat in restaurant with you. You can pay with your credit card.

Why not start the academic year with a new watch so that you get to the lecture room on time and don’t take the students waiting.

If you work in an office that’s a reason to buy a new watch

Your sister will need one too.Buy online and have it delivered. You need to show how much you love her and you can’t see how to do it without spending a lot of money

Because everybody else including your sister will buy one and you can get some with red straps and red faces that will keep winter depression at bay. Though it might bring on panic disorder when you get new credit card bill and then you have to pay a therapist to help you with your depression

Then you might think why am I wasting money on the cheap therapist when I can spend 10 years in 4 times a week Freudian psycho analysis. That will help me to get to the bottom of why do I waste money on things I don’t need and it will also make me bankrupt at the same time

Maps and roads

London is bewildered by its roads
The Circular, the North,the South, the Codes
The Morse and the Enigma Turing broke
So now we have new bicycles with spokes

Once we had the A to Z in hand
Turn it upside down and you’ll be grand
New technology has made gigantic strides
Carrying us to Eden ,what a ride

The motorways are empty for tonight
God decided we had too much Light
He taught the bare cheeked Moon on Jesus’ mount
To turn the other side when love’s about

I liked to use a compass and a map
But now, my dear, most everything’s on tap
I crouch beneath my sister as she drives
In the dark on the M 25

But if it’s closed, we are completely foxed
We left the old Road Atlas in a box
Along with all my ex’s underpants
And naturally his principles of Kant

We may be in Watford or in Bucks
I often wonder what will rhyme with luck
We may be near St Alban’s, we can’t see
The car ran up the trunk of this oak tree

We rang 999 and they are her
A fire engine filled  with Kentish beer
A ladder for the ladies to climb down
Now they are just women on the town

London won’t exist ,destroyed by cars
Angry men who cannot find a bar

A poet can fly

Try writing nonsense, you will be surprised
I have used a comma, that’s the end;
How hard it is to know a poet can lie.

Unless you have a calling,shut your eyes
Do not break where you can also bend
Try writing nonsense, you be surprised

When I read a villanelle, men cry.
Ask the poet never to 1pretend
For cruel it is to find a poet who lies

Triolets bear sadness to the wise
If your aim is cruel, do not send
In learning nonsense, we’ve been ill advised

Rubbish is not nonsense,realise.
Lewis Carroll’s Alice was no friend
How hard it is to know where poets lie.

Sense and nonsense travel in a blend
So it is that fiction can offend
When writing nonsense, you must be composed
How hard is it to learn a poem transposed?

Mary needs a lock on the door

The doorbell rang yet again.Mary crept into the hall and saw through the  little window  a young man with a van marked Maypole Locksmiths.She opened the door and explained she could not lock her door with a key but only with a  twig from the maple tree.In winter it was not sensible
The man who had looked rather glum brightened up
So where did you buy this lock? he asked humorously
I have no idea
Up ran Annie her late husband’s mistress who  still  lived next door.She was wearing  a lime green faux fur coat over a  purple track suit.The locksmith’s eyes rotated in fear
My husband made that lock from a teak bread  board,just before he eloped, she told them
Well ladies,I have news for you
Mary plucked at  the darning on her wool skirt,looking agitated
Doors are  wood but locks are metal and have metal keys,he informed them
Goodness me,  we are still in the Dark Ages, she cried nervelessly
Yes, the days are short in winter he whispered.My name is Jack by the way
I don’t want any more men,she murmured mutinously
Why, how many have you got? he inquired tenderly with a hint of laughter.
I am not sure but it is not a rational number,Mary declaimed
But what IS a rational number,Annie asked? Three,four,ten, a thousand?
It is zero but I am happy with a ball of wool and Emile, my sweet cat
Miaow,cried Emile
Up the path ran Dave, the transphobic ,asexual paramedic
Emile, are you ok? he muttered in Welsh
Well,I could just  eat tin of salmon, Emile muttered, but we have none
That is a tragedy.I’ll get you some for Xmas
We usually have meat,Mary  told him, but I don’t mind.I hate roasting turkeys.What  have turkeys done to deserve that fate? I’d prefer t adopt some
No, cried Emile.I don’t want any here.
So selfish, said Annie.They are  alive just like we are.
I don’t  give a fig,  the cat boasted
I know a lot of turkeys have died in  refrigerated lorries crossing the channel
But it’s horrible here.I don’t see why a turkey would want to live here,Annie replied
They want  to see Buckingham Palace,I expect and get given free cars  like all our immigrants are given, said Emile.Not to mention free flats in tower blocks covered in asbestos and lead
I’ll  have to change your name to Oswald,Mary said
That is insulting,I am only saying what all the people are saying.Mosley was a an aristocrat,I believe
I am very sad we taught Emile to read and speak.He is getting his news from Facebook, the Mail on Mondays and gossip.
Yes,Stan was a fool.He should have left him like a wild animal.Do you know he watched Stan and me in bed through a mirror
Well,I hope  he didn’t watch me,said Mary.I have to put Nerisone oily
cream on my private parts if I have a flare up but to a cat it might look suspiciously like
self pleasure
Well, why not enjoy it since you have to use it?
Very wise,Mary replied.I’ll have to think abut  that
The locksmith coughed
Madam shall I put this brass lock on the door and a handle so you can pull the door shut more easily
You are very clever,Mary said thoughtlessly.But don’t do a degree.Many minds  have been ruined by studying Rousseau one week , Bertrand Russell the next and Wittgenstein in 10 days.It only makes people seem educated because they now words other people don’t but  wisdom and thought have not  entered their being
I’ll make us all a nice cup of tea, Annie shouted.That will enter all our beings
I thought you’d never ask, cried Dave
And so did all of us

Alfred relaxes and God steers


King Alfred

Lately I have been loaned by providence a graceful beautiful cat.Early on he was a shrinking, hunched and nervous creature who slept by the back door on the daily newspaper.He ate hungrily and drank water with a drop of milk.

He was reluctant for a couple of weeks to venture further but as the tranquil peaceful time went by he began to sleep on a towel by the hall radiator and eventually on my knee.

The most striking change was in his size.As he ate more and was petted more he relaxed so that when stretched by the fire ,more of his body was in contact with the floor and he looked larger all over.He was loosened up and comfortable.

If he were human I might say he had a good mother.He is affectionate and initially I feared his demands might be excessive.When he came onto my bed I was concerned.But after five minutes of being stroked he went off to his own place again.

Sometimes when he’s been out in the garden he reappears with an air of humorous triumph as if he has worked a miracle to enter through his door.Another time when I was reading in a different room from the usual one he appeared mid morning with a face full of more expression than I can easily put into words.

He was anxious and relieved,puzzled and afraid,happy and a touch angry with me.How can you do this to me? was his query.Suppose you had gone altogether?Oh,the insecurity of being a tame cat.

I wonder why cats do not miss their own species.Or maybe they meet them outsi


de.Often though they fight to defend their territory but fortunately they have no WMD as yet.I like to read and stroke him as I muse over my book,