Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair. She looked around, and found a small wire brush labelled,”For nubuck and suede shoes”….. Peering into the old mirror she ran it though her gold and silver hair,powdered her nose with her Estee Lauder natural beige foundation in powder form and slapped some coral lipstick on with haste.. and accuracy. Right,that’s it,she thought.Enough to show willing. She met her old friend Maureen at the bus stop. Have you been seeing Joel again? Maureen asked naughtily. No,I’ll be damned if I see him again,Mary said shyly.He told me he was living alone in a large house up the hill, then I met him with his wife.Who was he trying to fool? Maybe he hoped you would not notice? Not notice what,her wedding ring? Luckily the bus came down the road and stopped beside them.They jumped on and ran to the back. for a gab. Are you going shopping? Maureen asked. No,I am going to take some photos of the jazz band playing on the pavement by the bank… but I told Stan I was going to the pharmacy to buy some Vaseline…. Why,does he not like you taking photos? Not when an old boyfriend of mine is in the band. Exactly how old is the boyfriend? About 69 I guess. Well he’s not that old! He is an ex I should have said.I knew him in primary school and used to ride his tricycle.He was my first love.We were only 5 years old.I think it was his red curls and the tricycle that attracted me… but we split up when we were 6. Surely Stan would not be jealous;it is 63 years ago, And to me it was like last year!Well. you know time does not exist in the Unconscious. How wonderful. Yes and no.Good memories can be there but also pain can seem as if it just happened even when it is from 50 years ago. Have you had a lot of men admiring you,dear? How would I know?There could be thousands if they were too shy to speak. You know what I mean! Not so many.. I had my second when we were 10.He had golden hair and long eye lashes and lots of games in boxes.He was very sweet but we were to young to be engaged so I decided to give men up and study mathematics instead as that has its own icy beauty… Wel,,nice meeting you.Have you dyed your hair;it’s got brown streaks. Oh,dear,Mary thought.Is it shoe polish? But who polishes suede shoes nowadays? Stan was following Mary on his Face Bike.He was watching her from behind the bike racks in front of the HSBC Bank… Mary had had many bikes in her life.. what would a fortune teller make of that,he asked himself. Still,she had no idea Stan was nearby as she wandered nonchalantly along the grey pavement in her Rosella dress and Gabor suede Mary Janes.. Now then, where shall I go to take the photos,she thought…maybe I’ll sit outside this Coffee Shop and pretend to feel faint if anyone asks me to buy coffee… she opened her bag and took out her Kindle Paperwhite… she was reading, Creative Imagery and Healing… and also Cars and Peace by Leo Wholeshaw.. a futuristic novel set in North London.In the first chapter a grandmother has been beheaded in North London. That’s a bit far fetched,Mary had thought when she read it but in fact Wholeshaw had been right on the ball when he wrote his e book and self published it on Cramuzon for £3.89… I wonder if I’d like to write a novel, Mary mused… just then she saw Stan on the other side of the road talking to a blonde bombshell dressed all in pink. I see,she thought.He didn’t know I’d be here as the pharmacy is half a mile away. Who is watching whom?Well.the morals be lacking but my grammar is incorrect, damn it! And so swear of us
I had to go to the hospital for a Custord Capote.A A cursed analogy in other words.
If that’s artificial intelligence then give me real intelligence any day.
The doctor said,
I want to put a camera into your bladder.
So I said to her Doctor, you must be deluded; how can you expect me to believe that you can put a camera like the one I’ve got here in my pocket into my bladder when the only way in is a very very tiny hole about 5 millimeters in diameter.
And anyway what were her motives?
She smiled belligerently. It’s a very small camera.
But it is still bigger than a molecule, I said superstitiously.
Well I don’t know she said wisely because I’ve never seen a molecule.
Anyway, if you put this camera into my bladder, how on earth will you get it out again? Or is it going to be a permanent fixture so that you can see into my bladder any time of the night or day? I’ve never heard of this before but spies are everywhere now
Don’t worry it’s in a little plastic tube and at the end there’s a little pointed knife so I can cut a bit of your skin off. I may not have to do that but we can if it’s necessary.
Well doctor I know that men are afraid of having their penis cut off and now I feel a little bit like that although I know the bladder is not a sexual organ.
Do stop overthinking she told me courageously. Just shut up and keep quiet like all the other patients do.
Then lie down on this bed and pull your trousers down. I’ve never had such a nuanced conversation. The British are famous for being tactful and also for being ironical; can you guess which I am being now?
As soon as I did what she wanted she’s stuck her great big needle into my bum claiming it was an antibiotic.
Well I know that was a lie because antibiotics come in little bottles from the pharmacy. Antibiotics don’t come in the shape of needles although I am not very knowledgeable about biochemistry or any kind of chemistry except the chemistry of love.
Well after that it’s all a blur .The nurse gave me a piece of kitchen paper.
That’s to wipe yourself she said.
What’s the point when your bladder is always leaking unless you’re on penicillin or ciprofloxacin or another very dangerous drug which can affect your mental state profoundly.
So I’d rather leak than go mad. People seem to think that if you go mad you don’t know what is happening you don’t know what you’re doing and so you’re happy but it’s not true.If you go mad it’s terrifying. And the mental health services in Britain are not very good so you might be discharged after two days treatment a and hang yourself. Yes, it’s that bad for some people. On a lighter note sometimes the madness only lasts for a few hours like when you’re on steroids
I might be more likely to believe in god if there were some medication for rheumatoid arthritis or drug resistant infections that did not cause such side effects.
Anyway they gave me a cup of tea and then I went to the Loo.
Then I came back and I thought to myself
They never showed me the pictures from the camera
I could have put them in the computer and changed the colours and used them to illustrate my blog
It’s like going through the labours of Hercules or some other initiation process. And what happens when you get to the end of the seven horrible events or trials? That is something that I have yet to find out but when I do you’ll be the first to learn about it
And if they give me the photographs I’ll publish them here as I know you can’t wait to see them.
My old blue fountain pen allows
The ink across the page to flow
Like wet paint from an artist’s brush;
And words come in a rush.
Enchanted by the hand that writes,
Bewitched by art, beauty alights.
The script is like a music score
Through which you pass as through a door.
Imagination’s home.
As,mysteriously, to you,to me,
The spirits of our hearts are tamed,
By rhythms of pen,of brush,of mind.
They enter vision quite unplanned,
Like moths to flutter softly round
Fire joined heart and hand.
The pen slows down,the hand goes still,
And just as dreams at daybreak will,
They shrink,they disappear,they’re gone,
And now this poem is done.
And now I can’t afford too eat. They treat us poor like swine.
I wander round et roads and streets Where us childer used to play.
And as I walk ahm wonderin’
Where I’ll get fed t’day.
Yet I know there’s magic for I saw Ten thousand angels filled with joy
Their voices ,soft like molten gold, Just as the Bible had foretold.
I saw three Shepherds cross our street
Though us folk have no flocks of sheep.
I saw three Magi comin’ here
They were stood right over there. One had gold and one had myrrh, Frankincense the third King bore.
As I’ve no job to tie me down
I followed them to Bethlehem town. And in a manger lay the Christ,
As round the world,your rich men diced.
Mary touched my wounded soul. Jesus’ life has made me whole You see a tramp beg in your Malls, You don’t see Jesus Christ at all. Yet I, a tramp,a worthless man, Have seen the heart of Bethlehem
Embraced entire , your sacred smile held me
Until we both were one deep in our souls
As still as a white dove held tenderly
For a little time so warm and free
As if your smile contained me, made me whole
Embraced and loved , your sacred smile touched me
As we cross together the dark sea
I wish this sacred love could always hold
As gently as a dove ,as tenderly
And if I felt the brilliant light touch me
My eyes would weep,my tears would turn to gold
Embraced and loved, oh sacramental tree
Would that humankind were truly free
That in the darkness, we could find our home
As dies the fragile Word on Calvary
We fear the Tempest and we hear the Storm
The still small voice will whisper , not perform
Embraced entire , your smile encompassed me
As still as a white dove, as tenderly
Embraced entire , your sacred smile held me
Until we both were one deep in our souls
As still as a white dove held tenderly
For a little time so warm and free
As if your smile contained me, made me whole
Embraced and loved , your sacred smile touched me
As we cross together the dark sea
I wish this sacred love could always hold
As gently as a dove ,as tenderly
And if I felt the brilliant light touch me
My eyes would weep,my tears would turn to gold
Embraced and loved, oh sacramental tree
Would that humankind were truly free
That in the darkness, we could find our home
As dies the fragile Word on Calvary
We fear the Tempest and we hear the Storm
The still small voice will whisper , not perform
Embraced entire , your smile encompassed me
As still as a white dove, as tenderly
One day Mary decided to take an IQ test. To be completely honest ,it was her best friend Annie who wanted her to take the test because she believed that Mary was the most intelligent person in Knittingham
Mary foundthe test rather boring but she completed it in four hours approximately.
Then Annie marked it for her using a booklet supplied with the test
You have got a score of 65 she said souvnding annoyed
The average score is 98, 65 makes you an imbecile.
How on earth did you learn to read and write when you are an imbecile?
Well Mary told her in a kind voice
The main point is I did not know that I was an imbecile and so I just learned to read the way all the other children did and since my father did ornamental gold lettering in churches, I must have inherited is talent for beautiful handwriting.
Why don’t we have a nice hot cup of tea said Annie thoughtfully.
She had always believed that Mary was more intelligent than she was but now it seems that Mary was just more hard-working and had a stronger desire to learn
I think because Mary wore glasses she thought to herself she must have lhought she had to be an intellectual. After all people never read books rarely wear spectacles although that may change now with the advent of modern technology.
Emile was very puzzled because neither of the women had dialled 999 for an ambulance today and he was very keen to see Dave the paramedic and to find out how he was coping with the hot weather.
So he bit Mary on the leg
You imbecile, she shouted.
Well that’s a compliment said the cat because you are an imbecile and yet you have been to university and got two degrees.
Twi degrees of what he thought to himself but as he was a cat he was used to keeping secrets and so he did not say anything
In fact he was relieved because he thought that as Mary had two degrees her temperature must be low and therefore she was not getting sepsis.
Because when you get sepsis your temperature usually rises rapidly and dangerously although occasionally it can fall very low and at the same time as that the blood pressure drops.
The organs begin to struggle and indeed wherln Mary had sepsis she did not pass any urine for 36 hours which was very fortunate because she was on a trolley in the corridor all that time.
Similarly she is delighted when she friend have blood pressure was low not realizing it was a sign of danger
After all many older people feel their doctor would only be happy if their blood pressure was zero. And if they were dead well does it really matter? After all like Mary maybe I’m an imbecile too.
So don’t worry about your intelligence level because
imbeciles r us
It’s interest, enthusiasm, desire and work that get you to somewhere worth going to.
As long as you can read and write the world is your oyster or you don’t like horses replace it with your own favorite food although it doesn’t sound very wise to say the world is your Weetabix all the world is your meringue so please let me know what you would like me to put instead of oyster
Mary was on a step ladder in the bathroom, spying on her husband Stan,through a hole in the wall.He had drilled this for spying on women sunbathing semi-nude in their private back gardens.
He was climbing over the fence with Emile their cat on his shoulder.
I think it’s so ridiculous, she muttered .
Surely Emile can jump over the fence by himself.But Emile was very limp,she saw belatedly,
He can’t be dead,she whispered to herself fearfully.She jumped down off the ladder and hit her head on a tap.
Oh,my!That hurt…I’d better be careful. she murmured and she flew down stairs to Stan in the kitchen
Emile has got concussion, Stan said mournfully.
Is he not dead , perhaps,she wondered anxiously?
No, he only fell off Annie’s roof.I am sure he’ll come to.
Good Lord.What made him go up there and more important,how did he do it?
You’d better ring 999,he informed her gently
If you say so ,my dear
Soon Dave,the bisexual transvestite paramedic ran in wearing a sundress and dark glasses,
with golden sandals from Hooters.
Poor Emile,what have you done?
He fell off Annie’s roof, but we have no theory as to how he got there,said Stan.
Well, there’s no need to think of that… we deal with reality.That’s my modus operandi!
He gave Emile the kiss of life.Emile came to…but was not pleased
Why did you waken me up? I was having a lovely dream of walking down a silver path where I saw a big cat with shining fur and tender eyes looking at me.He just began to miaow when some f**king idiot woke me up… was he God?
I can’t say,Emile,dear.But please do not swear.
I’ll do whatever I f**king well feel like,Emile said. nastily
Good heavens, what has happened.Has he been reading dirty books?
No, he was watching East Enders on TV… they all use the f word constantly.
Well,Emile.God will have to wait… he’ll be glad if you do some kind work here on earth.
Up yours,said Emile.I am sick of living here. I’ve been hoping for years Stan would mate with Annie but he has only managed a kiss.
Perhaps it was the kiss of life,said Mary hopefully
Well, in a sense,you might have hit the snail on the bed said Stan thoughtfully.I know any further mention of philosophy will drive me utterly and eternally mad!
Now,Dave said,shall I make you all some hot tea?
Thank you Stan responded.I am half crazed already.Tea may save my sanity.But for what?
Annie came in wearing her brick red trouser suit and a white sun hat. her face a dark shade of beige and her lips light mauve, with lipstick from Max Fracture’s new range.
Did you know Emile was in a hot air balloon,she said in tones of wonder.How has he got down so fast?
I f**king well fell out, the cat yawned proudly.Then I had a near death experience until this loon here brought me round.
Emile,I ’ve never heard you swear before! she whispered in a strange manner reminiscent of those silent films starring unnamed and forgotten beauties of long ago.
Do you like it,baby? Emile asked.
No I don’t. I’ve never said F*ck in all my life.
Well you have now,the cat informed her with a naughty smile.
I think he’s possessed by demons.We’ll have to have him exorcised.
But I like demons,Emile bawled .I’ve been good all my life and I am bored and depressed.
So you believe swearing will help more than therapy?
Emile got up and lit a cigarette nonchalantly with a certain ,je ne sais lah
Good grief,he’ll be having sex on the sofa next ,said Stan.
What a good idea,said Emile, but I want my own room and an en suite..I mean to impress the next girl friend I have.
Dave drank some tea and watched these old folk ponder.
I am wondering where we went wrong,said Mary.All these years we’ve educate you privately and even had you baptised.
Well.I am going to be a Jew,said Emile.
I don’t think a cat can be a Jew… and you never ever had any interest in the spiritual before,why this?
Well,when I was unconscious I realised that God exists….
But why be a Jew?
Well,they were the first to see God in a Burning Brush.
And the last too, I hope,thought Annie nervously.
Well,said Stan.You want to smoke,swear ,make love and possibly enjoy wine and song.Is that not enough?
Does God smoke and swear?
There was a long silence and Emile answered’
Well,Yes he does.
I’m off said Dave.I have to ring the Pope.
Why? asked Emile. I am not going be a Catholic….
Well,said Dave, he ought to know that God is a cat.
Please lie down.Tell me what brings you here Not literally? [ could be autistic] No, you are always here in a sense. Well, you know English is not my first language [ excuses] No, you were here before language.How hard to imagine. I have come here because of my guilt [ trying to be human ] I’ll be judge, I’ll be jury, said cunning old fury
Very adroit [Shows off his skills] What’s that? The opposite of maladroit Why did you send the Flood over the earth\~ I pressed the wrong button. [Teases me] That is absurd. There were no buttons then Not even on coats? [Pretends to be ignorant] Well you should know I don’t like little details in my creatiity [ Thinks he is superior] Come on, tell me whatever comes to mind I like playing with water and fire as well [ Melanie Klein come here] You tell me It’s such fun [ emotionally stunted] Like War? It was not so bad to start with { always an excuse…. lacking in adult responsibility] What, even Cain and Abel? Very sad but it’s just a story [ Derrida,Levinas, Enid Blyton] Don’t tell me you are a post modernist I can be what I want , for fun you know [ repeats himself] I didn’t know God has fun Well you do now [ Humour]
Right that is £120
What, you think I should pay? [ feels superior] I have to live,Lord.I have a family [ childish plea] So did I once [Sarcasm and grief] Well, any alternative? I’ll give you an indulgence/ How about Martin Luther? Should he have one? Why not, he’s just human like you. But Hitler? I retain the right to silence [ knows the law]
Well when you stop sulking make another appointment Can no-one help me? Don’t give up hope. Goodbye for now.
Oh,Cumbria I wish I were with you Near Ambleside, the stepping stones, the slate The Langdale Pikes , the valley and the view
The sinking sands, the sprawling sea so blue The tempting path across the bay , it’s bait Oh,Cumbria I wish I were with you
The thunderstorms, the heavy clouds, the dew Water is your element, your fate The Langdale Pikes , the valley and the view
By Buttermere the waterfalls renew My shoes were pools,my socks a Plathian plaint Oh,Cumbria I wish I were with you
I may be human,,I may be astute My feelings, punctured ,let me lose my state By Langdale Pikes , huge shadows stripe the view
The sky is black, the candles flicker,night Fear and awe, I kneel here , faith ignites Oh,Cumbria I wish I could see you The Langdale Pikes , the cliffs, the distant view
I loved the stepping stones near Ambleside The river Rothay runs into the Mere Mingling with the Brathay day and night
In my childish state I wished to die To make the joy eternal, evermore I loved the stepping stones near Ambleside
But we went on to Grasmere,Wordsworth’s guide The river Rothay never suffered here Mingling with the Brathay day and night
As a child I often was denied The joy of nature,love but never fear I loved the stepping stones near Ambleside
The rivers make no effort, down they ride so should humans live and love sincere Mingling with our Natures day and night
Life may be a mountain or a mere The rivers flow, the stones are waiting clear I loved the stepping stones near Ambleside Crossing this dear water day and night
Triolet The summer weighs us down with sullen heat Even cats and dogs sit blank as stones Gone are lovely flowers with fragrance sweet Late summer weighs us down with bullying heat The hot flagstones return my angry beat As gaudy people sweat with ears to phones. How summer weighs us down with sullen heat Now all cats and dogs are turned to stone
Oh, mother, father take me back
I’ve lived the pain, I ‘ve felt the rack
I wanna see Jesus.
Take me to that wall they built
Let me see where blood’s been spilt
I wanna see Jesus.
Oh, take me back to where I was
The enemy may well be us,
Not Jesus.
What did all those sermons do?
Did they say he was a Jew?
Oh, Jesus.
Did he want the First Crusade
It is his blood the priest creates
Lord Jesus.
I don’t like the way things are
I am getting tired of war
Kill Jesus.
What has human wisdom done
From Wittgenstein to Abraham?
Cripes, Jesus!
Does research improve our lives
As for grants, the scholars strive?
Ask Jesus.
We may have chemotherapy
Radiation, history.
Where’s Jesus?
You’d think that after all the years
We’d have used up all our tears
Sweet Jesus.
Love your neighbour as yourself
Give 10% of all your wealth
Aye, Jesus.
Do what’s better, not what’s worse
I see another fragrant hearse.
It’s Jesus.
See the plastic Crucifix
See him dying with dry lips
Bend your knees, confess your sins
Otherwise, the Devil wins
Not Jesus.
We destroy the good we hate
Envy writhes and with pride mates.
The progeny will wreck the earth
Eden’s burning as drones pass.
No, Jesus.No Jesus.
Know Jesus.
Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair.
How my heart speaks 