Mary woke up as she heard a strange noise.Except it was not as she had overslept.
She put her head out of the window where a young man was standing by the wall
You can leave their parcel here, she cried in her muffled shriek
I have come to collect one, he responded
But they are not at home, she informed him.They have emigrated
No wonder, the man said.I’d like to escape from Dominic Cummings
Has he captured you?
He damages my soul and God is angry
Let’s leave God to one side.I know how you feel, I think
Thank you very much.God will remember
Mary sat in bed and wondered where Stan was.Suddenly she realised he was dead.
Emile came in purring loudly
Emile, is Stan really dead?
I think so although sometimes I think I see him in the kitchen with his Robert Carrier cookbook
Tears came into Mary’s eyes remembering all the meals Stan cooked
He would be horrified if he saw her eat a frozen shepherd’s pie or macaroni cheese straight from a tin
At least I still use Earl Grey Tea, she thought intelligently Mary drank tea from a large blue mug; in fact it was half a pint of tea. She looked at her phone to see if any emails from her friends were there but none of her friends had written to her which could hardly be surprising as they had all written to her the day before She saw a letter from British Gas offering her help during the lockdown but she didn’t use gas anymore. if they had been more compassionate when she was having trouble with her boiler she might still be using it but she had decided that gas was a bad thing; it made her think about horrible things like Sylvia Plath and the Holocaust On the other hand electricity has also been used to harm people and kill them in the United States ;what was the answer? The best thing is to get up at once. she said and read The Guardian the Times, Independent newspaper The Telegraph and the London Review of Books.By the time she has read all of those who would go back to bed? Only a sex addict and has she had no husband that was impossible After all, who prefers a plastic vibrator to a loving man or woman?Mary decided 4 Weetabix and some milk would make a very nice breakfast Where is my breakfast, called Emile louder? Oh dear I am very sorry , would you like some kippers for your breakfast Thank you, Mother How many times do I have to tell you that I am not your mother; I am human and you are a cat But you are my mother in a metaphorical sense :you look after me, you feed me, you bath me On the other hand I sleep on your bed and if I was your son you would not want me to sleep on your bed would you since I’m 18 years old? No, it might look like incest Mary replied humorously but would an 18-year old youth be attracted to an older lady Don’t ask me, he said, I am just a cat I would not know my own mother if I met her and if she was willing I might even mate with her without knowing that she was my mother. God is very kind to animals in some ways but on the other hand why does he let people hunt and kill for fun? Well he would not tell Job nor his so-called comforters so I don’t know whether he’s going to tell me; if he did tell me I might not be able to understand Why not, said the cat? When we don’t know what language God speaks how can we talk to him? Only by paying attention in the Silence in the middle of a wood or a cathedral as long as it was not full of tourists and and dogs Are dogs allowed to go inside a cathedral? I don’t know said Mary I have never thought about it before but I would imagine they are banned because they might start Barking at the wrong moment I could go to church, Emile cried Do you want to go to church , Mary asked him If there is nothing else to do, I will go to church, he mewed That is not the right attitude, she told him, God is more important than anything else at all How do you know God is not here in the house Yes he is; he is everywhere but we can’t see him except in the eye of a child or or the smile of an old man when he is going to die peacefully in the arms of his wife And what about the wife? the cat pondered<Shall I have to hold you in my arms so that I can see God in your smile as you pass away Oh dear me said Mary. I never thought of that I am too big to go into your arms. I can go on a diet and save money by only eating half a tin of Heinz macaroni cheese for my supper and half a tin of vegetable soup for my lunch It is impossible, the cat told her, because even if I eat a lot my legs will never go any longer and as mathematician you should be able to see that you would have to become as small as a tiny baby before I could put my arms around you The end of a wonderful dream,sighed Mary I’ll have to ask somebody else Dr Patel maybe if I can die in his arms| It is like the ultimate act of love to allow someone to die in your arms but one can’t do it too often as it is too emotionally and spiritually demanding I agree, mother, the cat told her and now I’m going outside to try and catch you some frogs from the pond next door, goodbye.
Mary was walking down the High Street of a little town a few miles from Knittingham. Here stood tall trees, which have been hacked into stumps by the local council,They are vehemently opposed to anything that might change the town into an upmarket suburb of Knittingham. They wante it to be ‘modern’, like a small version of Manhattan or Paris, maybe, or even London. but there was not enough room to build a skyscraper or a Gherkin, like the one that Ken Livingstone had erected in London after he went to Soho
Mary was wearing a long, blue, unlined, woollen coat from Marks and Spencer, over a dark grey and green sweater dress, with matching leather boots . iIn her hand, she carried a large green handbag, which contained her Kindle Paperwhite and her purse
Suddenly she had a loud cry: “Mary, Mary!”.
She looked round and there was an old friend whom she knew before the advent of smartphones and computers and, therefore, not being very well organised, she had lost the address of this dear lady, Margaret.
“Shall we go and have a cup of coffee in that Turkish restaurant?”, Margaret inquired politely.I have my cat in the car and I’ll get him a scone.The people are very friendly
“What a brilliant idea!”, Mary cried, “I have come out just to have a change of scene and Annie, my friend in in Knittingham, has got measles I have a cat myself
“I do hope you’ve had measles already”, said Margaret.
Yes, I have”, Mary lied.
“Well, tell me your latest news. How is your rheumatoid arthritis? Have they given you any of these new drugs, which suppress your immune system to stop it from attacking your own body?”
“No, they haven’t given me any yet”, Margaret replied cheerfullyA bit late now
“I believe that, nowadays, they give them to people right at the beginning of the illness tbut, in my day, they did not give them to you until it was fully developed , unfortunately, I have become somewhat disabled.”
“Well, how do you manage living on your own?”Do you have a lover who might help you?
“No lover as yet but I have various devices that I can use”, Margaret told her with a twinkle in her eye, giving Mary the impression that Margaret was the owner of a gigantic array of vibrators and other similar implements trying them out for some Health Magazine for the handicapped
Mary was thinking that they were probably better than codeine for taking your mind off your pains and aches which, in the case of arthritis can be excruciating, making it impossible in many cases for a woman to have sex though she had imagined marrying her cat Emile as he had expressive eyes and did not desire her body She did not tell Margaret what she was thinking but said:
“I know that you can get a stand for your electric kettle, so that you can pour the water out of it without lifting the kettle up from the work surface., and you can also get vacuum cleaners that are self-propelled.”
As Mary had a great many books, she was unlikely to buy one of these vacuum cleaners, because they would knock over all her carefully choosing piles of scholarly works and art books, not to mention the tubs full of pens and pencils, and coloured pastel chalks.
When they went into the cafe, the waitress was very polite and soon they were drinking their coffee at a little table in the window, from where they could see the local people passing by.Many were wearing badges asking for an end to the Civil War in Britain
“You’ll never guess what happened to me”, Margaret said
, “I was in the bookshop, where they have a folding chair for me to sit ; they know I can’t stand up for a long time without suffering pain. I’d just sat down when this young woman came up to me and said:”
“You can’t sit there and read: you have to go upstairs and sit in and armchair.”
“Well, if you show me the lift, I will be very happy to go upstairs ” , I said humorously
.Or maybe you can carry me up as you are very heavy and strong
“We don’t have a lift”, t he woman cried loudly, “We only have one for us to take books upstairs and we do not allow customers to use it, because it is not insured.”
=Would you mind if I just sat here for 5 minutes?”
“No!, you cannot sit there for 5 minutes”
“ Well, I was unable to get up, straight away”, said Margaret “but, as soon as I could, I put the expensive book, which Ihad been going to buy, back onto the rack of new non-fiction and saved £20 there and then
” “That’s not very nice”, continued Mary. i“It might even be illegal to tell a disabled person to go up some stairs, when there is no lift or escalator.”
Margaret called “Let’s talk about something else. I like that coat: it’s a lovely shade of Prussian blue
“Never say the word Prussian to me”, said Mary “it reminds me of the war.”
“Well”, said Margaret “if our luck continues on its present track and also the Middle East, there will be almost no country that we can talk about it without getting distressed by the name.”
It’s a real indictment of humankind.Civilisation is inextricably linked to War.Let#s put that thought aside and talk about clothes instead
“I like this coat however we name the olour”, said Mary “because it is made of wool and the sleeves are lined but the body is not lined, which means that is suitable for this early spring weather and also quite llight to wear always an advantage for the older lady. iIt also covers up whatever else I am wearing underneath because it is quite long.”
“What on earth are you wearing underneath?”tMargaret asked humorously
“For all you know I might have nothing underneath it”, said Mary “exccept a pair of silk knickers and a silk vest.”
But I have a dress on over my silk and wool underwear,I am using an deodorant called
Unarmed and dangerous
“ I have changed a lot since my husband died and I do all sorts of peculiar things. For example, I believed in times it will soon be legal to marry an animal and I would like to marrylEmile, so that he can sleep in bed with me rather than on top of the bed.”
“But he might scratch you accidentallyy! “, cried Margaret.And can he kiss you?
“Oh, there’s always a fly in the ointment”, Mary said.
“Well don’t marry the fly”, her friend responded.”I don’t think that Father Brown would like that, even if it could speak and say ‘I do’; it would definitely not want to sleep in bed with you. it will be flying around your bedroom, buzzing all night, and I don’t think it’ll be the only. one” “I have to marry a spider then”, said Mary, “Maybe two spiders”
They both laughed uproariously, to the amazement of all the other people in a cafe
“It’s good to see old ladies laughing isn’t it?”
It certainly is.”
“So will you be going back to that book shop?”
“Well, I did try to go back but, as I approached the door, my mouth went very dry and I realised I was getting that ‘fight or flight’ reaction, even though I didn’t feel so anxious but something inside me was worried that history was about to repeat itself and I ’d be the object of scorn and derision.”
“Yes, it’s horrible to feel humiliated isn’t it”, said Mary.
“I was reading an article in the Guardian, which said that some scientists of the most social sorts have discovered that even the nicest people unconsciously see disabled people as less than human.”.
“Oh my god! that is very frightening because I am getting older and I might get disabled and then I will suffer like you do.”
“Well, you have to be tolerant of suffering”
But how tolerant should one be? I don’t want to have back some of those politically correct people who go around like Methodist -preachers, attacking people who are agnostic or who want unisex toilets
“Are there any heterosexual toilets?”
“I’ve never seen any but you never know.”
After drinking their coffees, they walked into Marks and Spencer’s to look at the new spring clothing
That looks like a satin tracksuit!”, Mary called politely
“I believe that the short trousers are coming back into fashion. tThey are a big problem because itthey puts all the focus on your ankles, so you cannot wear those dirty old socks that you can wear at home or with long trousers. I think they are a plot to make us buy ankle boots.”
Everything’s a plot now, isn’t it.
“Don’t say that to the doctor or she will think you are getting paranoia.”
“Getting paranoia? I’ve been paranoid all my life.”“How sad!”
We’ll, nowadays you need a bit of paranoia, especially if you come from Europe and believe that you can work in Britain and contribute to the economy, while enjoying all the lavish pleasures of London city and nightlife.”
“The so-called foreigners are much more courteous than English people. iIn fact I a’m ashamed to be English now and I pretend that I came from Ireland instead.”
You look more like a Valkyrie.”
“Don’t say that! I hate the composer Wagner.”
“I do believe the word existed before he wrote the music but I understand how you feel. It’s not your fault that you’ve got blonde hair and blue eyes and a white skin.”
“My hair isn’t really blonde any more. I think it’s more silvery, like Helen Mirren.”
“Does it really matter what her hair looks like now?”
”“Well, we have to amuse ourselves somehow and, since we no longer have husbands, wel ’re deprived of much pleasure and love, and we have to put out the wheelie bins ourselves, which I think is really awful.”
“I do some vacuuming, now and then, I move books out of the bookcase and carry them into the other room and, you won’t believe this, last week I accidentally put a bag of nearly new clothes into the ‘dirty’ wheelie bin and found I still had the rubbish in the hall.! Unfortunately, the bins had been emptied and there was nothing I could do to get them back.Mind you, I did feel a certain relief but as the hall was no longer full of black bin liners and other stuff like that..
Not to mention all those cables, cords, and chargers that we have nowadays. I think the computer was invented purely to give us more things to buy, to keep the economy going. Nobody really wanted to have computers but they realised that, once you got one, you would want to connect it to your camera, or your television, or the printer, and so it would mean a big market for those cables and cords.
But it gives me something to do, while the Government argue about Brexit.”
It’s not just the Government who are arguing. My gardener nearly hit me when I said I wanted to remain in Europe. I am forbidden to mention Brexit anywhere near him.”
“I have noticed that it doesn’t matter what the evidence is,; even the most intelligent people will not change their minds, so it must be coming from a deeper level.”
“It sounds as though people are trying to understand why Hitler wanted to exterminate the Jews and they have come up with all sorts of theories about his childhood. I thought it might be related to sexual fantasy but the latest idea is that it is beyond explanation in any human terms; it is evil beyond our ability to explain. It is not true that, if Hitler did not exist, someone else would have behaved the same way. He could have lost his mind when he was defeated by Russia at Stalingrad but, if you lost your mind, would you go and exterminate six million Jews and gays or 6 million other people?
The frightening thing is that it could so easily become the way that Muslims are treated. People say to me: “I don’t want to think about politics, it’s upsetting me”,
but isn’t that what the German said in the 1930s? If we don’t bother about it, we may find ourselves in a trap that we can’t escape from.
It is painful to think about these things, when we would rather think about the daffodils and the magnolia flowers, but who will protect usor guard us,when we go further down this lunacy track.”
“Yes, I see what you mean. iIt’s like thinking that know, if people are depressed, sad, worried, it’s just thought to be very, very bad and they have been put on tablets and getting CBT when, in fact, it may be appropriate to feel that way, as long as one can channel it into some useful activity.”
i“It can give you energy… I believe there’s a big march in London against racism and fascism. I don’t know wherether the big marches have any effect. dDo you remember the one against the Iraq War? One of the biggest matrches ever seen in London and yet it made absolutely no difference to Tony Blair.”
“Anyway, just give me your news before we depart.”
“I shall tell you what; I’ll give you my email address and then we can communicate about our children or our other activities: grand-children etc. Maybe we can meet more frequently now, as we don’t have to rush home to make the dinner.”
The two women hugged each other before they separated and then Mary went back to the High Street. although she couldn’t remember now what she was going to buy.It might have been an electric tin opener, or a bottle of wine, or a throw from Robert Dyas to hide under, if anybody looked through the window.
Does it matter what she was going to buy? s She just wanted to get some fresh air, and meeting old friends always a good things, especially for aged people
I’m sure Emile would agree, if Mary brought him with her in her handbag, but he was putting on weight and is a little bit too heavy to carry. It would be wonderful if Emile were very big, then Mary could ride on his back as if he were a donkey
Why not buy a real donkey?
One of the few good things I could say about the big hospital was that at least they didn’t tattoo us with numbers.
I wouldn’t be surprised that they don’t start using numbers instead of names They still love everything technological
I’m glad that they are saving water but only washing patients about one third of the time. I got one shower in a fortnight. They could have put us outside in the rain.
But then someone might have noticed so they’re just too busy.
The sun shone on Rosa Benchez ,as it had no alternative.She ran down the street in her yellow raincoat and a pair of gym shoes.Usually ,she wore a dress as well but times they are a changin’.She saw Mr Leonard Cohen walking across the road shouting,where is my blue raincoat?
Am I going mad,she wondered.Shall I call 999? Can you call 999 when you are running down Upper Street? What a pity she had no friends around to advise her.
Mr. Cohen, she said,I love your music especially, How many toads?
You are confusing me with Dylan,he murmured in a deep voice.
Well,I prefer you.Where is your Nobel Prose?
I write poetry mainly, he said shyly smiling his sheepish yet delightful smile.He certainly had good jaws.His top and bottom teeth met unlike Rosa’s.What did that signify?
Yes, she said.I know.I bought one of your books.
He suddenly began running into a pancake house and Rosa stood there wondering why he did not make a pass at her as his reputation was enormous..Perhaps he hates yellow on a woman, she muttered.Maybe he is depressed by the prospect a the next few years and yet he says his depression has gone and he has both his children nearby and grandchildren too.
But why is he here in Knittingham? she asked herself.Nobody has mentioned it.Why would he come here in late October?Why would anyone?
It is fruitless to think like this, she thought.Will anyone believe me?Suddenly she felt very sad and muddled .She took out her iPhone and rang 999.
Can you send Dave round to lower Upper St.I feel like I am going crazy.I am going into Mary’s house as seeing her and Emile might help.If not,Dave can advise me and have some tea too.
Certainly,madam, the clerk replied.Nothing is too much for your NHS.
You are very perceptive said Rosa.My name is Rosa Benchez by the way
I recognised your lovely voice.Thanks again for calling.
Rosa went up Mary’s path and rang the doorbell.When Mary appeared she said.
I am feeling very strange, so Dave is coming round.Will you make me some tea?
Of course,said Mary.Come in and talk to Emile.He fell into a pool of water so he is sitting by the fire.
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.Her period had begun.Do you have any female protection,Mary? she called.
From what?
It’s the usual.
Where is your handbag?I used to carry my protection in that.A gun
In my case a few tissues might help.
Oh I see,Mary murmured.Did you know you have no clothes on?
Oh, dear,said Rosa.Can you lend me an old dress?
Just stay there and I shall look after you
And so pray all of us,except Len as he does not know as yet.
Turn back, live again, he said to me Do not wander in the darkness any more One rash move might give death victory
We are each connected to that tree The sunlit top, the roots hid in earth’s floor Come back, live again, he asked of me
While we live, we’ll live with dignity Not scrabbling for the gold in blood and gore One wrong step will give hate victory
The kindness of the golden light was clear And left sweet feelings in my heart’s deep core Come back, live your life, he then soothed me
Do not wonder now why you are here We’re here to live and living shall restore What our suffering self has found so dear
I had never seen the Light before Only Christ the Tyger with his roar Come back, live through grief, he asked of me That first step will give love victory
Those little words invented as we loved
Now have no other speaker but myself.
Lost, unique, the man so well beloved,
Those little words called out from our sweet love-
In my own speech, these words no longer live
I cannot use our words, that loving wealth.
The chosen words invented as we loved
Now have no other listener but myself.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down
This man wanted his own bed so I told him he could have it for £100 cash.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
I ‘ll try to get it right just one more time
You did not converse with me in words
You were simply present with your Light
Nowhere did I feel your power and might
You were no eagle, but a little bird I ‘ll try to get it right just one more time.pp
Who made our language with its subtle rhymes?
The ancient people had their well trained Scribes You were always there,oh gentle Light
You gave me warmth, you changed my too fixed sight
A comforter , a Spirit, how describe? I ‘ll try to get it right a final time.
The agony inside me lost its bitep
I wanted to go on, to be alive You do not always show your golden Light
We do not know when we at last arrive
We do not reach this meeting place by strife I ‘ve tried to get it right this final time I never saw such Gold until that night
Once I cared for people who were old Who wet themselves and felt the winter cold I gave them baths and washed their backs and fronts Helped them to get dressed and zip their pants
I made them pots of tea and gave them cake I gave them dinner on a china plate I listened to their stories of the past An unknown world of war and terrors vast
And if they cried I’d wipe away their tears Talk to them till sorrow disappeared I’d do the washing up and clean the knives The women missed their being someone’s wife
Now I am old and I have realised I really had no feel for what it’s like.
October 28, 2019 Walking on the long white shore with you The perfect sands, the sky and sea so blue The rippling waves made patterns on our shoes Oh,come back,sweetheart ,I can’t bear your loss
The church at Old Hunstanton has a pond Ducks and geese were waiting for more food The silence was enormous, like the sky Interrupted by a wild bird’s cry
At Brancaster we nearly met our deaths Cut off by a wave behind our backs Young and green ,we knew no panic then But now I feel it as I walk alone
Without my anchor I may float away A little speck of dust in that wide bay
I went into a coffee bar and asked for a black coffee.They said I was a racist
They said I was stupid for wanting an irrational number of cakes.
I went to Burnt Oak to register my husband’s death.Then they had the nerve to ask if I wanted him buried or cremated.
I went to the hospital for an X-ray.They said I didn’t look as if I was 18,I should bring my mother.So I said, with or without the coffin
I wanted a Burning Bush at the funeral but God said he don’t come here anymore.
I offered a lamb chop up as a sacrifice.God said, I may be dead but I’ve not shrunk.
I asked for a toasted beef sandwich but they said it takes too long to toast beef.
We went into a car park but it had very few amusements and no grass.No cars either.
We opened the car door with a coat hanger once when we lost the keys.Now with this electronic system, what could we use instead?
I rang my own doorbell last night as I felt so lonesome.Then it fell off the door.So I told myself it was lucky I had come by as I knew how to fix it.It’s just glued on like ethics are on politicians.
I saw a spider in the bath so I told it, it can only have 2 baths a week.
My neighbour gave me a blank look.So I filled it with laughter,
Come back to me, my sweetheart
Don’t leave me all alone.
Come back to me, my darling
I can’t believe you’ ve gone.
I’m crying ‘cos I’m feeling blue again.
I’m crying’cos I’m falling like a stone.
Oh, let me tempt you with my beauty
And my voice forever young.
Let me tempt you with my spirit
My laughter and my songs.
I’m crying ‘cos I never did you wrong.
I’m crying ‘cos with you I still belong.
I thought maybe I’d follow,
To see where you have gone
But there’s a hand upon this tiller
That is not mine alone.
I’m crying ‘cos I wrote this old blue song.
I’m crying ‘cos I’ve been lonely for too long.
The hand upon my tiller
The mystery of the dark
The unknown one who lives in me
And sings like a skylark.
I’m singing ‘cos I wrote you a new song.
I’m singing ‘cos the cat ain’t got my tongue.
Evoking the beauty, the stars so far away, I like to watch geese at the end of day. Patterns and poems disclose other worlds. Feel the hand of a baby with the fingers all curled
See the trust and the smile when the mother is home, To create entire worlds for the one she has borne. For chaos and panic or not far away Even in adults who don’t care to say.
The little hands touch me so deeply, so well; How come the world is diving to hell? How can we kill little wains by the score Was it for this that I opened your door?
Was it for this that love electrified us, And we were lost in each other, in the holy white dove. Was it for war that we gave love our wombs Making more soldiers and filling more tombs?
The bombs are a-loading they’re having parades. It’s not North Korea, it’s Washington, dude. Let the tanks roll on Corrie and the Bedouin tribes. Let the allies laugh blindly as the Lord Jesus dies.
O take me, dear mother.Please take me away I can’t see no point in saying my prayers. The leaders’ religions are making God frown. The desert is empty, the tents all dragged down.
The centuries of living so free , so mobile; The holy land blessing as they pause for while. The little black tents like wombs of the night Are all gone to shredders as we sing, Silent Night.
Mary was walking down the High Street of a little town a few miles from Knittingham. Here stood tall trees, which have been hacked into stumps by the local council,They are vehemently opposed to anything that might change the town into an upmarket suburb of Knittingham. They wante it to be ‘modern’, like a small version of Manhattan or Paris, maybe, or even London. but there was not enough room to build a skyscraper or a Gherkin, like the one that Ken Livingstone had erected in London after he went to Soho
How my heart sings 