Tag: story

Mary wonders what to wear in the heatwave

I don’t know what to wear in this hot weather Mary said to her friend Annie who lived  next door.qr 80

I don’t have many cotton dresses and in any case they don’t seem to be fashionable now even in the summer

What about wearing very low rise jeans with a short top so that the wind will blow onto your midriff and cool you down?

That’s a good idea said Mary I’ll just go upstairs and get dressed would you mind putting the kettle on to make us some tea when I come down again?

Mary went upstairs and wondered what underwear to wear with her low-rise jeans

When she went downstairs her friend admired her navy blue top with polka dots and her chambray trousers

I think it’s a great idea to wear black knickers with your jeans in case you bend over and they become visible

Yes these are my incontinence pants;you can get them in black or white now and I expect in a few years or a few months you’ll be able to get red ones.

I do hope that when you havec had your surgery for your kidney that you will no longer be incontinent.

So do I said Mary balefully. Still it says me from washing and ironing seven  pairs of knickers a week

Did you iron your knickers asked her friend in amazement?

Yes because I was told it could kill any bacteria living there which might cause infections but the bacteria were coming from inside my body from the stones in my kidneys

I’ve always thought it’s a pity that if we have to have stones in our kidneys old gallbladder that there’s no gold or silver among them at least we went some money from our condition;

Oh, said Annie I thought you could wear a pair of red knickers over the top of your black incontinence pabts although it might make you look fat. And you still have to wash the red ones even if you didn’t need to iron them

0y next you’ll be suggesting I put a red bra over  or under my black one

Marks & Spencer’s profits would rise if women started wearing more underwear butb

it will be very hot

Oh I had  better go to the kitchen and make the coffee said Mary hospitably..

She found Emile in the kitchen watching a frog which was trying to get water from the draina goodness me z it’s one interesting difference between cats and human beings cats can kill other living creatures without guilt or fear although some human beings do have that psychopathic ability

If every animal or bird had a birth certificate then it would be possible to register death for them but since there are so many it would be a great strain on the economy of the country

Well I am thinking Emile said that it will not be possible because most animals and birds can’t read and write

Oh how I envy them said Annie because it took me so long to become literate in any case they don’t use a common language like English. Each species has different sounds that they can make but it’s not the same as having words

So true, said Mary and she drank her coffee

How difficult life would be if all the birds in your garden could speak English and talk to you when you go out to fill the bird feeder in the winter crying out that they want roast beef and Yorkshire pudding  not bird seeds.

Well let’s just be grateful that apart from Emile most animals cannot speak read or write do not have a common language and do not require houses schools public transport etc

What is the conclusion we can draw from this Mary said to her self

Was the world a better place where most people  were illiterate? And they did not need barrel or carrot leg jeans v nor the latest fashion in shoes

And they would keep warm with open fires

Then there would be no company is making millions out of our heating bill wonders noe wondering what to wear

Boris and the army

When Mary got home she tried to find her key but it was nowhere to be seen. Then she remembered that she had another key with her.

I must have dropped it in the cab she thought to herself I will ring them up tomorrow, Emile her large black and white cat ran towards her very fast.

You won’t believe this, Mother..

Emile, I have told you before I am not your mother.

Why do you take everything so literally, the cat asked her in a manner that reminded her of the French psychoanalyst Jack Le Con.

If I am on the autistic spectrum she said to him, that might explain it.

Well you have to take a test to see if you are on the spectrum

But I have got comfortable with you  and I don’t want you to change your personality just because somebody says that you’re a bit odd.

Don’t tell me somebody has been spreading rumours about me. Who says I am odd at all depends on the definition doesn’t it? I may be odd in some ways but surely that’s what makes people interesting if they have a lot of differences from  everybody else you know

Well Jesus was very odd and very old wasn’t he ,because God was his father?

Do you think God was my father said Emile ?

I’ll ask him next time I see him said Mary cruelly.

Are you going to see God, can I come with you?

Let me put the kettle on and make some tea and then I will have to get some food out for the supper. Do you fancy some sardines from a tin?

Well I won’t say no to a sardine wherever it’s come from I know that God would never put them into tins

Next time I go to church I will start laughing because they are talking to God as if he is a being from another planet but I will be imagining him on top of a mountain putting a sardines into tins although being on top of a mountain it will be quite difficult to find sardines.

Nothing is difficult for God but he doesn’t sound very practical :I expect some angels would put the sardines in to tins if  he asked them to do that

Here you are said Mary and she put a saucer of sardines in front of the cat while she 🦐heated up a tin of chicken curry from Waitrose,

Around the kitchen she looked with sorrow because if Stan wete alive he would never have used a tin of curry for her dinner. Why am I so bad at cooking? I suppose I’ve never spent enough time doing it and also when you live by yourself it takes away the incentive

The Amazon assistant switched on the radio and they heard the end of the news.

Boris Johnson has an army and they are marching on London from Framlingham Castle because they can’t suffer the Home Secretary any more. When she compared asylum-seekers to insects even Boris Johnson was shocked. And Boris is a very rich man now so soon he will be the King.

Oh that will be very exciting. I believe

I think we’ve had enough excitement here since the referendum what we all want is so hot cocoa and an early night. I hope it’s not too late for that.

But will the citizens of London be able to sleep knowing that Boris Johnson is leading an army from Suffolk although if he meets beautiful women on the way he might take longer to get here. Let’s hope hes not fathering any more children. London is overcrowded already.

No sin,no repentance.Jesus can’t be a Christian

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Jack had just taken early retirement from his old job as a maths researcher. in Knittingham university.His large collection of books was overwhelming the home he shared with his excitable French wife Simone.
Simone was still working at the university cleaning computers heads all day long.Now she was hoping that she and Jack could do more entertaining.If only he would get rid of some of the many books he owned!
Simone left for work wearing her new pink cord trousers and a dark blue denim knit jumper with a long lasting beige foundation from Max Factor covering her red complexion.
Jack gave the cat,Louisa, a hot bath in goat’s milk.Now instead of being grey she was cream coloured!
I’ve been dyed,she shrieked politely but Jack never replied.
He pondered,as he dried her what to do with all his maths books.He had thought of making a large collage but who would want it?
Or he could donate them to the university or have a fire in the back garden.
Suddenly he looked up and saw a very charmingly pink faced woman peering into the window.
It was his neighbour Mima whose husband had disappeared last year,possibly inside a wheelie bin,though no-one was sure.
Hello,l,did you want me?” he cried nervously
I thought you might like some company for morning coffee.What a pretty cat.what is her name?”
Louisa was wary of Mima.Maybe the purple trousers and orange jumper might give the cat an epileptic fit… she was a sufferer, just like St Paul.She hoped to be converted but so far was disappointed.She longed to see a vision of heavenly cat food in the sky.
Can cats go to Mass? she mioawed to Jack.
Yes,but they can’t have Communion,he responded furtively
Well,we don’t eat bread but I love wine!
I’ll mention it to the Pope next time I see him,Mima said with a roguish smile.Her make up looked to be waterproof as the drip in the ceiling was right above her head and heavy rain was falling yet her face did not change at all.Was it plastic coated?
But Louisa,you would have to confess your sins.All your sins
I never did a thing wrong in my whole life ,the cat replied haughtily.
Well,you know the Church is only for repentant sinners,so if you never sin,you can’t repent. so it follows indubitably that you can’t join the Church! I studied Aristotle once so
I get all logical with emotion.I only wish I’d got to Wittgenstein..I could have loved that man….though now I seem to recall he was gay…still,who knows?
If that were true about the Church,would Jesus be allowed to join?
Certainly not.He was perfect and also he was Jewish.So why would he want to join a Christian church?
As he began it, he might like to see its holy life,Louisa purred loudly.
Really,I think this is a very odd conversation murmured the parrot,Felix Semper.
Not so odd,responded a tall dark man who just appeared from nowhere.
I am called Jesus he said,but I’m from Malaga.
In Spain many men are called Jesus,he continued mellifluously.
Is that so, cried she murmured tenderly.
I never met a Jesus before.If you married me it would give people a shock if I said I was married to Jesus! she whispered loudly behind her hand.
Marry you! Is it leap year? Women have never proposed to me before.
I was just thinking out loud,she replied demurely in her soft voice.
Nuns used to be married to Jesus and wore a silver wedding ring.
I was educated at a convent school.That’s why I’m so very neurotic.
Are you really neurotic? Jack,screamed neurotically
I have a whole shelf of books by Karen Horney here.Self Analysis, is just one.
I could give it to you now….
Not in front of Jesus,she muttered chastely.
Have you no moral feelings?
No,I’ve never had any feelings of any sort in my entire. bu life but it’s done me no harm.
I’ll ask Simone when she gets back, we’ll see if she agrees!
I’m just like a computer with a human body.
I sometimes think I’d like a suit of silver armour.
Bless you,my child,Jesus murmured.
When they looked up the tall dark man was gone.
They looked around but he had left no footprints.
Should we call the police?He came in with no permission!
How disgraceful.
How dastardly.
How disgusting
How damnable.
How divine.
How dumb.
How deplorable.
So on they murmured until it was time to cook lunch. for the cats and birds.What a morning,what a life.

Mary studies passive aggression

Photograph by author

Mary had heard a noise by the front door but when she got there she couldn’t see anyone at all.

Suddenly Emile bit  her on the ankle. Fortunately his teeth were not very sharp

What has made you so exquisitely charming today, she enquired in a rather sarcastic manner?

Well you are not usually sarcastic, mother. I was shocked.

I’m just practicing being passive aggressive, Mary informed him excitedly.

There’s a book out by Martin Kantor all about it.

Why read a book about passive aggression when you could read a novel by Howard Jacobson?

Now, Emile you are a cat are you telling me that you read novels in your spare time?

Yes I do because Stan taught me to read but maybe you have forgotten about that.

No I have not forgotten it just slipped my memory for a moment. Yes Stan was a big help

He wanted to prove that cats were equally intelligent to human beings but because of their different bodies and they have to use their intelligence in a different way.

Is there some reason why you are studying psychology or it just a way of passing the time,mother?

I’ve got many ways of passing the time such as knitting, cooking, reading the life of Bertrand Russell etc. also I could play the piano if I bought a piano But sometimes it’s nice to interact with another being even if it’s only your cat.

That’s very hurtful  to put in cats into a category inferior to human beings.

I know perfectly well  cats are not inferior in a general sense but perhaps  cats that live in houses where human beings  dwell might be thought of as inferior because they don’t earn money.

But then children don’t normally earn money in this country and in particular babies don’t earn anything at all and yet they are extremely demanding.

Do you think that every relationship is transactional?

No of course I don’t but a lot of people in our society do, not to mention people in the United States such as Sebald Lumpe.

Well it’s very kind if you just speak to me.; we have decided to go outside and play in the garden.

Who is this we that you are talking about?

Why don’t you mind your own business?

Thank you for being so direct. I will

And so will all of us

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Mary gets a letter

Digital art by author

The postman was very late coming that morning. Stan was asleep in his armchair whilst Annie was analysing some data on the political alignments of the over fifties group in Knittingham.Mary was upstairs daydreaming. Hi. Mary…Annie called.There’s a letter for you from the hospital. Mary came down, her face a little pale with anxiety.She opened it slowly.Inside it had the following announcement Your appointment on 5th October at 8 am with Dr Paramour has been cancelled.. We can offer you he following appointment: 5th October 2014 at 7.59am in the usual clinic This will be with Dr Paramour unless he goes on holiday again.He will remove your tumour and your humour 📷 Stan read the letter. Why have they sent this? he asked bemusedly as he blinked with his kind blue eyes. Mary phoned the hospital.She spoke to a charming young man. What does it mean? she enquired.Why give such a silly letter out. It means nothing,the man said,It’s the computer. Computers follow programmes.We’ve had this type of stupid letter many times in the last 6 months….it’s using paper and postage apart from the worry.Why can’t someone alter the programme? I don’t know,the pleasant man replied.I think nobody understands it. Don’t they realise that keeping patients calm and trusting is part of the healing process? No,they don’t he answered despondently. We have to answer the phone all day long.So we can hear how upset some people are. Stan called out,it’s in the government too.They wasted millions on a new system which was scrapped before it was ever used… Where are all the intelligent people? That’s what I have been wondering,thought Emile as he hid behind Annie’s new green handbag hoping a field mouse might come by I am sure if I planned the the computer programmes I could fix this,said Mary.But I will never be given a job now.I don’t think I’d want it now with my eyesight. Well,Mary,you are still very beautiful,said Stan.I think I want to go to bed with you. Stan, how can you say it in front of Annie? Well,she can come as well if she likes,he replied tactfully. And what about Emile? Oh, alright then.We’ll all go to bed even he … we need a life changing experience.And I do not mean another daft letter from that blooming hospital,The Royal Wee. We could paper the walls with them. I would not enjoy seeing the walls like that,said Annie. I am just making a point… that they waste so much money…. and time answering the phone to correct their errors………. it’s like Alice in Sunderland. I never knew she was a Geordy, mioawed Emile… I just like to think of her that way,answered Stan. Anyway,upstairs and off with your clothes… we must make love before we die even if it kills us or we have to go to A and E with angina,migraine,a broken rib or other unmentionable discomforts. And being obedient they all want upstairs,got undressed and fell asleep side by side in Stan’s large soft bed… except for Emile. I thought they were going to have a love in,he thought.Perhaps when they waken up,who knows? Maybe the NHS are trying to make people mad so they will pay for private treatment…. Mary was dreaming she was back at Lamebridge teaching real analysis to a group of frightened first year students…what a pity they are so nervous,she thought.They’d do better working in a garden centre or a zoo. And so would all of us

The end of the affair

  • Stan has just got back from church.He helps to polish the pews on a weekly rota.He also embroiders kneelers.He learned in the Navy.Sailors used to knit whilst on long voyages and sew too.Now he’s home and making some coffee.
    Ah ah,the doorbell.He ignores it.Then Annie appears tapping on the window.”Hello,what’s up?” he enquires impatiently.Church seems to affect him that way……..odd!
    “I’m just a bit lonely as Emile’s come back to you.”
    “What about the bee you adopted.Bobbi?
    “”They’re affectionate but rather hard to cuddle,”she answered with tears in her green eyes.”They do look soft and furry but they are too small”
    “You need something bigger..how about a dog?”
    “I’d prefer a man,”she said softly and suggestively.
    “Why not give meditation a go?” Emile miaowed.
    “I’m a bit past it all now at 106,” Stan replied.”But, if you get some rainbow striped underwear from Ann Summers and some red bed socks , maybe that might help with the desirability aspect.”
    “I will not be seen dead in striped underwear,” she cried cunningly.
    “Well,why don’t you go on the internet?You could find someone younger and slimmer than me!”
    Annie looked very angry.”I’ve spent 20 years on you.Are you telling me it’s all wasted?”
    “No,it’s been useful to know how to ring 999,” he admitted wonderingly.
    “But my baking would have been quicker if you hadn’t kept coming in trying to induce me,reduce or seduce me.”he said confusedly
    “Are you losing your word power?” she asked curiously.
    “No,I said that on purpose.I’m training to go to a poetry weekend at East Anglia University.”
    “You are so daring,darling!”
    “Well,what have I got to lose? he riposted jovially.
    “And all the food is included.It’s only £3,000 for the weekend!”
    “Is that cheap?” “I don’t know.I need to look at the Index of Retail Prices or whatever they have nowadays.”
    They sat before the computer gazing at the government data and statistics with pen and paper in their hands.
    “I really enjoyed that,”said Annie,”It’s even better than sex!”
    “Thank God for that,” thought Stan with wry amusement.
    “Now I can keep her busy learning more about how to analyse data.I’m fed up with kissing her all day long.Now we can study for Open University degrees in mathematics and statistics and keep our minds lively.”
    “Quick put the kettle on Mary is here.”
    “Hello,Mary.We are studying government statistics.It’s so interesting.”
    “Yes,I know” she answered coltishly.”But a woman has another needs too.”
    “Oh,no!” cried Stan,”Not you too.” He fell onto the striped rug by the fire.
    “Oh,dear,I suppose we’d better ring 999!” said Mary to Annie.”How lucky you are here,dear.”
    “Well,I’ll make the tea.We’ll need it.”
    “By the way,Annie,your eyes are looking so bright.Like two emeralds.” Mary whispered.”Have you ever fancied a woman?”
    “No,darling.It never occurred to me.So many men.So little time.”
    “Well,do let me know if you are interested!”
    “Sorry,dear.I want to become a government statistician then maybe I can understand government the from within, as it were.”
    She ran out singing “Onward Socialist Lovers” to welcome Dave,the handsome paramedic who was at the door.
    “Dave,do you know any Statistics” she called.
    “Only vital ones,my angel,” he replied coolly.
    “How’s Stan?”
    “Not dead yet“Stan called spiritedly from the blue lambswool, hand washable Mary Quant rug.”Get me some fresh tea and we can all discuss the latest health statistics.”
    Anne laughed merrily but she looked truly insincere.At least according to Emile ,who was hiding behind the television in the corner.”I wish we could have our dinner,” he murmured.But no-one heard him.
    Cats don’t like tea but nobody seems to know.Emile is hoping to write a book soon.”Cat against tea.”

Mary finds that she is sardonic

Mary was feeling very unwell when the phone rang. It was a former colleague of hers who asked her how she was. But she didn’t want to tell anyone she was ill with covid-19

Oh I am grieving for my sister, Mary told her untruthfully but firmly.

You  have never mentioned your sister before.Were you close to her?

Oh no. I wasn’t close to her I just like grieving for people that I’m not close to, don’t you?

Mary I think you are being sardonic. I’ve never heard you speak like that before. What has come over you?

Am I really being sardonicJust think that you can be sardonic without even knowing it.

I don’t believe you Mary You know what it is I am sure you do.

Well you can know something and practice it without necessarily knowing the name or knowing that there is a name for it

Suddenly she realized that everything that has a name now must have been experienced by human beings before the name was given to it and it was they who had invented a name for it

We don’t know what it will be in another language like Italian or German either

Annie came running in lb into the kitchen wearing some green trousers and a purple top. She had no makeup on at all which is very unusual for this dear lady.What was wrong with her? Could you be about to change gender?

Mary are you feeling better? Who are you talking to? Anything exciting?

Oh it’s Leonora do you remember her? She used to teach in Huddersfield polytechnic where I took a course in algebraic mythology.

Don’t be ridiculous if you wanted to learn algebraic mythology you would have gone to East Barnet University. How Annie got this idea is a mystery since she is a very uneducated and thoughtless person but who knows? Some people become more intelligent as they get older especially if they wear a lot of makeup filled with dangerous chemicals.

Well never mind I can’t remember where I met her but she is very clever and she’s just come back to this country from Australia

Well she must be  short of company if she’s phoning you now after 20 or 30 years of absence. Was she in fact a colleague of yours?

How can you say something so rude to me? I am stunned

Oh I’m sorry Mary. I am feeling  depressed at the moment and sometimes that can make me cruel.

I forgive you  because I’ve known you for many years al. I know chronic pain can make people behave badly as well in fact there’s a higher risk of suicide for  those people. But in the current political climate we’re all at a higher risk of suicide or murder.

Why are you feeling so depressed, do you know? Of course that is the thing we often don’t know why we are depressed and that is what is so horrible about it because we don’t know what to do.

Is it just a chemical reaction that’s gone wrong in the brain or is it some indication that we are locking for a deep meaning to our lives or maybe we just hate the society we’re living in especially the newspapers.

I’m not sure perhaps it’s the spring sunshine that can bring on seasonal ineffective disorder.

Well I will say goodbye to Leonora and I will make you a lovely cup of tea in the kitchen with Emile. He will be thrilled to see you with your purple lipstick and your green eye shadow which had mysteriously appeared by themselves on Annie’s face. Free at the point of contact just like the nhs

Mary I’m so fortunate to have you as my friend.

Some people would never speak to me again if I was rude to them

Well we should never jump to conclusions especially . And this is a very minor offense that you have committed compared to what politicians do every day but even our politicians here are nothing like so bad as Ronald Stump

According to the Times readers we have to become resilient and not let things affect us but unfortunately they don’t say how.

Well we can talk about that while we have our tea

I’d rather talk about fashion really I believe yellow is the color for this year

Oh for God’s sake Emile cried. I hate the colour yellow except on flowers and the sun but I do not like women wearing yellow clothing.

Emil you are just a cat but you are very wise so we will talk about something else altogether namely what we shall have for our supper.

I’d like sardines on toast,the cat purred

Then I will do the washing up for you

I want to wash my fur tonight

Your wish is my command Mary cried

Thus it did transpire

What the two women ate is a total mystery

Send your ideas on a postcard. You might win 10 pounds for the the best suggestion on the other hand you may not win anything at all because I’m too tired to think about it

Mary tries to go out

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One morning Mary went out  planning to go into the town to buy some new shoes.

Are you going to buy me some new shoes too, asked Emile her little black cat

I’m sorry but I’m short of money and you’ve got four feet so it’s very expensive to buy you shoes

Well why don’t you buy them on eBay, he asked her politely

I’ve never bought anything on eBay yet said Mary thoughtfully.

How do you know about it?

I discovered that Annie gets her designer clothes from eBay because I saw a package on her doorstep with a big label on it.

Well I didn’t know that I must ask her about it Mary chortled

No no cried the cat she’ll know it’s me that told you

What do you think is going to do? She might be a bit angry.

She doesn’t want me to know that she’s sort of money and can no longer afford to buy a camel coat from Max Mara.

Well most people don’t wear camel coats now or even woolen coats.

Could it be very cruel to camels to remove their coats to give to wealthy Western women or men?Emile sighed with anxiety

Not at all, the camels are probably grateful because it’s very hot living in a desert in the Mediterranean or African part of the world.

Are there camels in the Negev?

I’m very impressed that you have heard of that desert. No I don’t think there are any camels there.

I believe you said Emile cautiously.

Because if there were any camels living there now they would have been rehoused by the Israeli government.

They would have been moved into a town and given their own passports with Israeli citizenship

We are talking about camels here, not people?

Well camels are people to other camels.

Emil it’s a great city that you did not go to Oxford and do a PPE degree like that great man David Cameron who did so much good to this country in 2016.

How are you being ironical the cat cried.

I am trying, said Mary.

Sometimes you are very trying, mother.

Emile I’ve told you before I am not your mother

Well I feel as if you are my mother and I have no other because I can’t remember anything before I was two years old

Your Mother was a cat and she fed you with her own milk

I’m really disappointed to hear that because I thought that I’d been fed by you.

Well you have been fed by me ever since you were weaned from your poor mother.

Why do you call her my poor mother?

Well I am sorry to tell you that she died a year after you were born. She lived down the street near the park and when I heard I said,

please tell the owners that ae would love to have the kitten. Stan himself went down and collected you in a special basket with a  rug inside it

Perhaps it was a camel hair rug, Emile cried

I’m afraid I can’t remember but camel hair rugs are not very common in England

No I suppose dog hair rugs would be more common in England

I don’t think the English are patient enough to collect the dog hair and make it into a thread

Perhaps the English used to be patient in the past but since we had the referendum in 2016 we seemed to become like a different people altogether.

Yes,things have gone downhill a lot since we had that referendum. And wasn’t  Boris Johnson involved?

I wish that Borus Johnson had gone to them with the camels in the desert wherever that might be

Perhaps we could move to a desert the cat queried

What will the expense of the electricity in the gas this winter I think a lot of people might be wanting to move to the desert but you’ve got to be careful with deserts.

Why said the cat curiously?

Because they are  often used for testing weapons.

If it was still catapults and bows and arrows it wouldn’t be so bad but we cannot imagine the kind of weapons the forever available to folj with enough money to buy them.

Well that’s very sad Emile cautiously.

At the bus stop Maty met her friend Nelly

Where are you going asked Nelly?

Do you know I’ve had such a long conversations with my cat that I can’t remember anything at all so I think I’m going to go home and make a cup of tea. Why don’t you come with me; you can always do your shopping later.

The women returned to Mary’s house and sat down gratefully in the pink woollen armchairs in the sitting room

They had quite forgotten that there was no one there to make them a cup of tea but fortunately the doorbell rang and in-ran Dave the transvestite paramedic. He was wearing a camel hair coat and white hat

Thank God you’re here he cried

I just need to make some tea for somebody so that I can have some myself.

How fortunate these women were they did not realise as they were so used to being looked after by men or even cats.

That should give us pause for thought

Or as a cat’s might say

Paws for thought

And so say all of us

She combed her hair gently

Mary saw the bus was due in five minutes.She applied some sunscreen and combed her hair gently with a cake fork while she wondered why she was going out.She looked into her phone camera to get her hair in order
Alas, the familiar footsteps of Annie were heard on the patio.In she flew dressed in red and brown like a robin in winter except she wore pure wool and nit feathers
How do you like my outfit, she cried girlishly
Mary stared at her, noting the pale beige face makeup from Max Tucker and brick coloured lipstick from Wigan’s Makeup Outlet Store where Annie loved to browse for days on end.
I think the brick coloured lipstick does not go with the scarlet jacket,Annie.
Oh, don’t worry.It’s the in thing now to clash
That might be true but men won’t know it’s a fashion unless they read Vogue.Most don’t.
Never mind all that. I’ve brought Emile a new blanket
He’s not a dog,you know.Do cats need blankets?
If you drove it would protect the seat.
I might go round the bend.If we drive we almost certainly would meet bends
Do fish get the bends,mewed Emile?
We don’t know that.It only proves that a question can be asked in a human language but within that system there is no way of answering it,Mary told him quietly, thinking of Wittgenstein her husband’s former tutor.
First of all, fish probably can’t speak English or understand it.
How amazing, the little cat replied.How stupid can you get?
Well a fish would think you were stupid for not being able to live in the sea.
So true,Emile sighed.Shall I try?
Don’t be so ridiculous,Annie whispered.The sea in not near Knittingham. Mary can’t drive and you may drown.
Then St Peter will be reading out all your sins
Can cats commit sins, asked Emile with surprise
Yes, because you know you have a choice.You can bite my hand or resist the temptation
I don’t feel like biting it now so if I did it would not give me pleasure.
For God’s sake, stop arguing.Anyone would think you’d been to the Synagogue, today Mary shouted
But in a Synagogue men argue about the Torah not about cats swimming,Emile replied
But then it gets to be a habit,Mary finished.
Still many other people argue,Annie reminded her.
But God does not want it,Mary said
How do you know? He/She may love to hear it.It will provoke thought
And it may provoke a Flood or you being turned into a pillow of salt,Mary screamed
Pillar of Salt,Annie corrected her
Why do people not turn into pepper, the cat asked wisely.
There is no pepper in the Dead Sea, the women agreed.~And black pepper/white pepper could be PIC
They have red peppers in the Market.Annie mused.And yellow too
But where does that leave us?Where was Mary going to and why has she not left for the bus stop? Was it something wicked that she was trying to do in secret?
We’ll see tomorrow I expect

Shells by the Dead Sea

Awlf portrait
Stan the aged yet sexy senior citizen was outside polishing the brass doorstep till it gleamed in the early sunshine leaking from a blue and orange sky.
“My goodness,these microfibre cloths are wonderful” he thought intrigued. Could I find a better word than wonderful?

.Mary was out taking a load of clothes to the Oxfam Shop.Suddenly he heard a loud cry.,then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head and tugging on his beard.
“Eeh,no rest for the wicked,even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his nose with his knees.
“Just give me a hand” ,he said,”I’ll have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten up so.”
“I’ll stretch them for you!” Annie whispered naughtily.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a hearty slap.
“For God’s sake,Annie” he shouted faintly.”Someone might see that.”
“Don’t worry,there’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered in her usual female manner..
“Oh,yes there is!”
It was Dave,the paramedic.He had been lying behind the wheelie bins,all three of them standing plaintively and unwanted in the tiny front garden.
“I’m an MI5 spy,and I’ve been reading your blog,Mr Brown.”We need you to answer a question”
“I’m not called Brown”,said Stan nerdishly.
“Refuses to accept reality,”Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier,
“Jesus Christ!”, said Stan.”Now,now” said Dave,”that’s not your name.
“No my name is Tan,not Brown,you’ve been reading the wrong blog!” “Stan Tan!”
Dave appeared crestfallen,”Any chairs need mending today?”
“My what beautiful ears you have,sweetheart,” he said to Annie,
“They look like sea shells by the Dead Sea”
“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a summer thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully,sarcasm being alien to her nature.
“Are you still a transvestite?” she followed on incoherently yet logically.
“No,I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Buddhist”
“How did that happen?” demanded Stan querulously.And can’t you be both?
“Well,I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair,and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.
Going forward or backwards,sideways or straight ahead,it is all part of the warp and weft of life.
“mistakes don’t matter” he continued emotionally.
“Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips,cherry pink by courtesy of L’oreal of Paris and New York,lip balm by Yves St Laurent,peach foundation by Lancome also of Paris,toning smokey grey mascara by Max Factor,handbag Annie’s own,deep burgundy 70 denier tights by M&S,Grey pointed ballet slippers by Bally of Switzerland.[also available in black,red and teal].Raspberry lingerie by ,strangely,M&S.
“As I was saying..,”
Dave dived back behind the wheelie bin.
Stan polished the brass and Annie disappeared in a patch of woodbine..
It was Mary’s famous and loud vocal imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop.
“Don’t they make bike bells any more?” Dave boringly wondered as he carried on reading the new life of Emily Dickinson “A loaded gun.” He thought it was an army training manual,but,hey,mistakes don’t matter!Or do they?Read the next instalment yesterday at your local newsagent or here free of interest,hope or love.Any additions welcome.
All donations to Oxfam.

The life of Moses after being encrypted

I’m afraid it does not come out properly so it’s not you it’s me. I will try and fix it later on

Moses was encrypted after Four-Eyes daughter found him in a basket.

So he was completely secure and emoted

down the river Tile then he actually rescued a bull from some Russians and proved to be a highly belligerent man if he was extremely holy so he said.

Later he married Cleopatra and had many children and they decided to seek the promised land. I don’t know where he heard is that but it’s a dream that we all have isn’t it to find the perfect place to live with the perfect spares or partner

At that time  they had no paper or ballpoint pens not even a fountain pens. They used to engrave things onto flat stones but it was very slow progress

Can you imagine students sitting an examination and they had to  engrave their answers on a stone or tablet? Or even if they had a Reed pen and had to paint there I think the mathematics would have been rather difficult but despite that they built a Temple in the time of Solomon

So the only map they had was on a flat stone which was rather heavy to carry about it and so they were lost  for 40 years in the Sign-pie desert. But it gives them plenty of time to increase their families although what they  food was no one really knows unless it was manna.

When they were in the promised land land god sent them a tablet with his 10 nrw rules of Life engraved on it.

It was so heavy that holy Moses memorised the rules and left the the tablet hidden in a burning bush on the side of the mountain

And it has never  been discovered. One day somebody will find it and I will share.

After that Moses people tried to write the Bible using a new invention papyrus. And a pen made from reeds so they  painted the words on. But that did not last as long as an engraving would 

Because of all the work that Moses had to do do he lived to be much older than we would ever be and this was true of the lot of the ancient patriarchs like Noah and Abraham

After that Moses’ people tried to write the Bible using a new invention papyrus. And a pen made from reeds so they  painted the words on. But that did not last as long as an engraving would. Printing had not really invented so they wrote on long throws of Paris and then they roll them up and tie them with thread and that is why the Old Testament as Christians call it was not a book in the conventional sense that we have nowadays.

Because it’s very slow for new things to be discovered like the printing press we should also live very slowly and not rush and try to finishv the life of Mosesthings quickly

Because of all the work that Moses had to do he lived to be much older than we would ever be and this was true of the lot of the ancient patriarchs like Noah and Abraham

It kept the rain from Emile’s eyes

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When the weather turns out wet
Emile has to wear a hat
Mary bought it in a Sale
Making sure it was for males.

Yellow with two cotton ties
It keeps the rain from Emile’s eyes
Mary has her own hat too
Bought in Orford, it is blue

Emile as he is a cat
Up a tree does love to sit
But when he’s leaping tree to tree
With his rain hat , he can’t see.

Mary said, “well stay indoors
You can help me with the chores
I’ll make a harness with a cart
You can carry soap.dear heart.”

“Otherwise go visit Anne
Eat the curry in her pan
Scratch her doormat,sniff for mice
Eat her cake and churn her rice”

I think I saw Stan on the stairs
It’s that velvet coat he wears
I may go and have a rest
I can lean upon his chest

Shall we visit him tonight?
Emile,dear, you must not bite
If he is a spirit now
You may only give a bow

Annie came in looking flushed
By the milkman she was kissed
One more man and she will die
Mary says she needs meat pie

Then the ladies make some tea
Gossip till their minds are free
Mary wants to write a book
If dear Anne will learn to cook

Stan is hiding in the coats
He is checking what they write
Then an angel flies to him
God wants enemies within

So practise love and hope and faith
Even though you have no grace
Say God is dead but do not taunt
Jesus preaching on the Mount

Be you friend or be you foe
Through a needle’s eye we go
See, you’re full of love and grace
Now go home and wash your face

Cleethorpes or the Bookshop

Mary was  wearing her pink and red glasses while reading a blog  on Simone Weil,the French mystic.Mary knew her brother Andre was a mathematician.Is that a form of mysticism? And is mysticism   of any value? There’s more value in  helping a neighbour than in mystic bliss.
Annie ran in carrying a green  bucket and  blue spade  in a plastic bag
I’m going to Cleethorpes for a day trip . she cried cheerfully
I don’t think so,Mary said while mentally assessing Annie’s outfit of  imitation leopardskin  leggings covered  in part by a guava coloured tunic which matched her trainers very well.The whole topped by a down coat in pink and purple stripes which she got in a sale online in the  summer

Do you think leopardskin  is suitable for a beach?You might want a donkey ride
The  donkey won’t know the pattern, Annie said.sincerely yet uncaringly.Indeed some may say she was rude to the point of  a dagger

Her full lips pouted ,showing off her coral lipstick and matching eyeshadow from Gillete  of Rochdale and Hebden Bridge not far from  Sylvia Plath’s grave.Oh,my.
Her foundation cream was not unlike that of Donald Trump which Mary had not mentioned, unwilling to shatter Annie’s dreams of wondrous love in waiting.
Although in would have made more sense to tell her  to dress  with more dignity and charm if she wanted a man

.With modern fashion it’s hard to know what will attract people.
Who’d have thought leggings and bikini tops would be worn to go shopping?
Pyjamas seem popular too.
Why don’t we go to Hebden Bridge?
With all these storms its been under water for weeks
Oh,blagger, there’s always some problem
Well, we are getting older and I don’t want to die in Hebden Bridge by drowning
So where would you like?
Dundee.They make nice cake
You won’t need cake where you will be going
Actually I am going to the Diabetic Clinic
You never said you were diabetic
Annd you never said you had 33 teeth.
Well,I am a  Viking
That’s no excuse
I can’t alter my genes
What are they ,little patterns?
To be honest ,I don’t really know
Let’s go to Waterstone’s  and buy Hilary Mantel’s new book.
It is very heavy
But if we are put in quarantine we will be able to read it
I’ll plant some tomato seeds in a carton of  compost
Why not? I might grow some herbs

And so will all of us.

The plants speak, a story

Charlie Blogge had gone away to visit his aged parents for a few days down in Cornwall so Rosa Benchez,his fiancee was alone except for her three cats and four houseplants which she had just brought indoors.Though she could have written a bit more in her new book
Linguistics and Peace on Earth.
Can plants feel emotion? she asked her oldest cat, Lucy who was a pretty tortoiseshell
Definitely ,said Lucy.I have known plants to get depressed when in a dark corner.
Oh,dear,said Rosa,it’s the weekend so the surgery is shut.I hope these plants don’t go into a downward spiral in their mood now that the days are shorter.I suppose I could ring 999 if they were desperate.
They won’t allow plants in the hospital,Lucy mewed.
Why not,asked Rosa angrily.That is sheer discrimination.We pay our contributions.
But the plants don’t pay ,do they.Lucy retorted cheerfully.Cats don’t get free healthcare either.
Socialism made a big mistake there, cried Rosa.Since the English prefer animals to people they would have won the Election if they proposed free pet care on the NHS
Imagine, it would have created more jobs as well, she continues academically.And plant care is needed as plants can feel ill at times.
Yes,we can, cried the Peace Lily.I feel ill knowing there is not much peace in the world.
Humans don’t realise they may win a war but the conflict makes their health suffer even if they are too old to fight.And within families ,it is just as bad.
You are so right,Peace,Rosa said thoughtfully.We always assume it is our inner conflicts that make us neurotic or physically ill,but it may be that at the back of our minds we are aware of all the wars, the refugees, the suffering.Outer conflict makes us all sick to some degree.And quarreling relatives and people who can’t apologise.
Do you have any rain water,Peace demanded.I feel thirsty.
Is that enough,Rosa cried.I can make you some weak tea if you like.
Oh,go on then, the plant told her.Give me a teacup full of tea with no sugar. nor milk How about you, she carried on turning to her sister Pax.
OK.Pax told her.Whither thou goest…
She’s Jewish,said Peace to Rosa.Her real name is Ruth.But nobody uses it as Pax is shorter.She won’t grow on the Sabbath,though.
Will you miss talking to the trees in the garden while you are indoors? Rosa asked, before any more Bible references were offered.
Yes,definitely.Can you buy a few tall,male looking plants like bamboo or even grape ivy?
We like a mixture.All living beings like a mixture of friends.
How about human friends or even cats,Rosa said tactlessly
Yes, as long as they talk in soft musical voices.And we don’t like to watch violent films on TV nor to see cats fighting on the sofa.,Peace informed her.Violence hurts our inner core
And so say all of us

Stan meetings his M.P.

Stan was thinking of going to an Evening Class.He got a brochure from the public library but there was not much in it.As he was sitting in his conservatory brooding restlessly over this he saw a looming shape pass by.It was Annie, his neighbour wearing a big rucksack.
“Annie,you are usually dressed in a fashionable and stylish even modish manner.Whence the rucksack?”
“Oh,well,you’re out of touch.Rucksacks are the new handbags according to Prada.”
“Is Prada that young lady who has just taken the flat over the florist’s?”
“No,you nincompoop,Prada is an Italian Fashion Company”.
“I think Prada would make a good name for a cat or Prado if he was a male cat.What do you think,Emile?Would you like to be called Prado?”
“Definitely not.” miaowed Emile loudly.”Prado is too full of consonants for me.I don’t like say.ing “P.”
“He sayeth not P but doeth it,just as the Prophet foretold” Stan murmured merrily to Annie.”What are you doing?” she asked him pointedly.
“I’m choosing an Evening Class but there are not many on offer.I wanted to learn Pilates but maybe I’m too old and stiff!”
“We could go to a private class in the Conservative Club.”
“I can’t go in there,not even to learn Pilates.”
The doorbell rang.It was their local M.P. Andy Pandy.
“Good evening,Sir.”
“It’s only 10 am,”Stan said rudely.
“Wait I want to record your words.”
“Why is that?”
“I may be able to sell them on-line.”
“Oh,no.That’s unlikely.I’m only a glove puppet!”
“That wasn’t what you said before the Election” Stan whispered to him.
“Well.I didn’t realise then.I thought I was a human being.”
“Like David Cameron once did?”
“Yes,only I don’t speak so posh.”
“But do you think he is a glove puppet too?”
“Yes,definitely.I’ve seen the Hand that manipulates him.”
“Why don’t you leave?”
“I have thirty children to support.”
“How come you have so many?”
“Oh,it’s quite easy if you have plenty of lovely lady friends and …”
“I’m talking about responsibility.You are a member of the Establishment.”
“Well,once I was a rebel.But a Famous Rebel will eventually be knighted.”

“So I’ve noticed.” {He’s thinking of Sir Michael Jagger who is 74]
“Why was Lucian Freud not knighted?Surely he was a deserving artist.”
“He was more of an Observing Artist.He Observed what he shouldn’t!”
“What was that?”
That very large people are beautiful like rocks in canyons and caves.and the Queen looks like an old East Ender.”
“Do you think she’s partly Jewish?”
“Well,everyone in the world has a little Jewish blood!”
“So the Queen does”
“Does she know?”
“Well it doesn’t matter whether she knows.I’m just interested.After all she’s the Head of the Anglican Church, a branch of Christianity, so as Jesus was 100% Jewish it would be an advantage to her.She might be a distant relation to him.”
“I never knew Jesus was Jewish!”
“Oh,yes I remember now.And the shepherds with their flocks….was that not here in England?”
” No and King Herod wasn’t English.Herod’s never been a very popular name anywhere really.But you know everybody in the world is probably slightly English.Just listen to them talk!They all speak the lingo.”
“But what about that song “Jerusalem” by Blake?”
“Was not Jerusalem builded here,in England’s green and pleasant land?”
“He was speaking in symbols or metaphors.”
“Why didn’t he learn English?Cymbals are just for banging.”
“Well, he was English.!”
“He was crazy.That’s typical English trait.”
“Yes,we love eccentrics.”
“Do you know any?”
“Not as such,no. But I’d love one if they lived next door.”
“Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather.when I heard that.”
“Well,Annie is a bit eccentric.”Stan thought.”She’s murdered her husband and seduced me in front of the wife.”
“No,she’s just got borderline personality disorder.I wonder who invents all these new mental disorders?”
“Well,the mind doctors need to earn money.”
“True…. send them to Afghanistan.Then we’ll see who has PTSD!”
“Now,there’s a thought!

A tin of sardines

Ond day the evil, wicked witch caught a great s hoal of sardines in her net.The silvery little fish were taken away to a big factory.They were washed free from saltwater and packed tightly into little tins .I expect you have heard someone say.It was so crowded on the train,I felt like a  sardine.What was worse still  was that the sardines were covered in tomato sauce and that is evil because tomatoes do not grow under the sea or even in ponds and lakes.If you had seen the sardines lying side by side with their eyes gazing blankly at you,you might have had a bad dream…Finally the tins were sealed and a  small key was fastened to the outside to enable people to open the tin and gobble up the sardines on a slice of  lovely thick toast covered in the very best butter available.What a fate for these beautiful fish to be lying in tins on a shelf in the supermarket,never to swim in the sea again.To all  appearances they were dead and were preserved only be special techniques developed by the food industry.?Have you ever wondered why milk never goes sour and bread stays useable for a week or more?Well, later on we may learn more about why this is but now I’d like you to think about all the sardines lying in those little flat tins and ask yourself whether you’d like that to be the end of your life..Unless you are very odd I imagine it’s a fate worse than death to you and so it was to these little sardines   snatched from the sea where they were free to frolic all day long darting in and out of the strange eery plants that grow on the ocean bed far away from wars and politics and dread.

My cat and other lies

free_animal_angels_screensaver-131729-3 ImageMy  dear…

My cat fell off the Woof.

Why was he mating with a dog?

Because he’s politically correct.

My cat fell of the Mall

Was he shopping?

No, he’s non materialistic…. he’s imaginary.

Like those queer numbers?

Be careful.You must not say,Queer number.

So what must we say?

Numbers of the imagination.

All numbers come from thje imagination.

SSshhh… we don’t want people to know numbers are a figment of the imagination.

Why not?

Life’s hard enough.

For what?

For living.

My cat rolled over me on the bed.

Was he asleep?

No,he’s training to climb Mount Everest.

My cat stole an egg.

Is he hungry?

No, he’s trying to grow a kitten in a bottle….

My cat talks to himself

Is that unusual?

Well,no,It’s impossible

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