1.You must eat exactly one meal a day.This will make you lose weight, stop shopping, save money and wreck the economy.Thin people cough less 2.You must make your phone accessible to the Government. We mean Us. DC and BJ 3.If you commit a crime and are jailed, you will get a meal on alternate days.You may lose weight So you can slip through the bars! 4.You will wash your undies once a week.Yes, the same pair.Save water, we sold it to Spain 5.Please do not get hunger pings or pangs while in the street or at home 6.If you feel too hungry, you may have a boiled eel on toast cursing you 7.You can be too thin; it is not illegal. 8.You can’t be too rich anymore… the tax man cometh 9.Please sweep your street and eat any pizzas you find 10.Your cat can eat as much as she likes.So you may eat her leftovers Not the whole tin 11.Do you swear to fix the roof, the whole roof and nothing but the roof? 12.Please do not eat refugees before we count them.Data matters 13.If the pandemic spreads we will put you all in cages.Like in the USA 14.No pretending to be a twin.Not even a tub 15.Lose weight,pray and soon you will be in Heaven.
Wanted: Disguised spies in each street in Britain.No questions in Nothern Ireland Just take photos. Pay £7.00 per week plus bonus at Xmas [ £2.00]
So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary ,asked Annie her dear neighbour charmingly attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription Why, was it for heroin? Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked ready to star in Death in Venice No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went on to Deliveroo and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a limited range, of course Mary’s oval face flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and jumper of pure new wool And her green trainers and matching tights But they had no milk so I continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small of food and drink In half an hour they were at the door and all was well Then one word came to my mind What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her newly washed her into ringlets so fast it looked as if she was destroying the roots Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left? Yes but Emile fell off the windowsill onto the work surface and crushed them all Do you believe it was an accident? Cats have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling food I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream. You never eat it.Annie told her But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams” That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake icecream nor eat it boiled with toast So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage or I will eat the icecream Then tomorrow I will phone them and say, those eggs you sent were off I have been sick all night.I want a refund This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies Not up till now but we have to change.Not just ethically but also we have to curse and swear Your fecking eggs were off. But Annie shouted: they will say We don’t sell fecking eggs but we have pickled eggs Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary That icecream has made you psychotic,Mary.,Annie informed her Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked softly Not yet but Emile might be if you carry on I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity And make some for all of us
If stuffed cabbage is too much Stuff a sprout, from Brussels lurched A joint of beef is excess now Try a calf’s foot not a cow’s Try a sausage stewed in milk If it spills we shall not wilt Roast potatoes make some mad Grill tinned peaches, they’re not bad Try a carrot for a lark Eat it when your mood is dark Make a salad, apple, nuts Celery must face the cuts Walnuts come in bags not shells Just as oil comes out of wells Why not ask a guest if blue? I can’t eat enough for two!