Do you believe in abortion?
I am sorry, I don’t even believe in God

Are you a vegetarian?
I’ll bring my own meat with me.I can bring a joint

Do you believe in women’s right to choose?
I have fifty pairs.

Do you think a wife should
obey the husband?
As long as she chose the right one.

Do you like fifty shades of grey?
No, but I can’t afford a cleaner and I am arthritic

Could you write a novel?
No, only a meta-novel

Did you vote Labour
Yes,I can’t see how a lapsed Catholic could do otherwise

Don’t drop everything

Art by Katherine using Microsoft Paint [ you can’t spill it

If someone  drops you a hint, never try to sweep it under the carpet
If they drop a clanger, ask what the weather forecast is  to help them recover their cool
If someone drops  you right into it, bury your head in the sands
I asked what postmodernism was and they dropped me from the Committee
I went red as my knickers dropped off in Church, Can I askfor a refund or replacement
I’m sorry I dropped off while you weren’t here for tea.Do “not come again” next week
I once dropped a baked ham and we had no carpet!
My hair was set on fire when a flame leaped out of the oven.I dropped my pretensions and called
for help using all the swear words you never see in a dictionary.To no avail.

Then I had to confess.I was born on the wrong side of the bed
Why have they dropped common sense from the curriculum.Oh, it was never in it.Say no more

She’ll leave a vacuum

Do you come here often?
Only when it’s not in my own house.
How often is that?
Five times a week.
Oh,you’re in therapy?
Aren’t you?
No,I’m the therapist!
I don’t recognize your face!
Well..I’m always crouching behind the sofa.
Oh,yes,so you are.Why is that?
It’s my training.We have to hover evenly.
When I finish my therapy,shall I be able to hover too?
Not necessarily,but you’ll be able to hoover.
But it could be years.
I know.It’s tough.
But my wife has asthma.
Does she want therapy?
No,she just needs the house hoovering daily.
Well,it will take time but we’ll get there.
I have an idea!
What is it?
I could lie on the sofa and you could pop into my house and hoover it!
Oh,no.I don’t think so!
But you can do an awful lot in fifty minutes.
But I don’t know how to use a hoover!
Well,why not enter into further therapy to overcome your disability?
I don’t think my wife would like it.
Why not?
I always get a very strong transference.
Have therapy with a hoover.The transference could be useful.You could earn more money cleaning!
Mm.Excuse me I think I can see a vacuum over by the door.See you tomorrow.Well,you won’t see me but you’ll hear me.
That’s a little unfriendly.
Well.nature abhors a vacuum.
I quite like them.I’m a vacuum flask salesman.
Really?Ten years in therapy and it never came up.
Well,I’m still enmeshed with my mother.
She’ll leave a vacuum when her image goes.
True enough.
Don’t be too hasty to fill it.
Why not?.
Wait to see how your unconscious feels.
That will be hard to tell as it’s unconscious!
Am I too un-conscientious?
No,you are very scrupulous.
That’s a relief!
Only the best people get scruples.
How do you know that?
My unconscious tells me!

Mary and the pink coat

Photo by Andre David Manjon Escobar on

Emile woke  Mary up at 7am.It was a  Sunday in  late October, grey and damp though the sun was still not  too low in the sky
Go away, she told him.The clock has changed.It’s not 8 am yet.I have to wash my hair as well.Get the Observer out of the basket for me,please.
I can’t read. the dear animal replied.And why don’t you rebel and stick to Summer Time?
I know Stan wanted to send you to Eton but we couldn’t afford it.Yet you understand days and calenders, Mary joked  sorrowfully
She got up and found her fleece dressing gown; it was   conker brown covered in coloured spots.She went downstairs and gave Emile a Whitby kipper.Then she made some tea and took it upstairs so she could drink it while she came round from her dreams
Suddenly Annie ran into   her bedroom wearing a  long black vinyl coat and  red knee-high boots
You never locked the back door, she howled like a lost  leopard which has had no  food for weeks
I don’t suppose anyone wants my old TV as it is only 19 inches.And my Chromebook is not something worth re-selling.I do have a new coat.
How about Ray Monk’s life of Wittgenstein, Annie asked her defiantly, her apricot lips pouting childishly as the Riemann of Paris lipstick glittered uncannily like an imaginary number in a dream of Godel.
The people who might enjoy reading it are by virtue of that , not the sort to steal or buy it on the black market.
That is very racist, Annie told her.You should say:the beige market!
Then nobody would know what I meant, Mary said lovingly
Anyway, do you want to come to Marks with me? They have some beautiful coats in
I’d like a pink wool coat, said Mary thoughtfully
Quite right  ,said Annie.Bring back feminine colours
Actually, gay men might like pink coats, she continued.But if they go on the bus they might get dirty.Come to think of it, so will women’s coats
They will have to buy pink puffa jackets and we can wash them at 30 deg.Mary whispered
Using a special detergent, Annie asked?
I have never seen a detergent for washing gay men.I don’t think they will fit into the washing machine.On the other hand, you are small so you will fit in
Shall I get undressed first, Annie asked furtively.
Yes, I’ll try to put you on a  short wash for 15 minutes but it is your choice.Maybe a bath would be safer?
No problem, said Annie intellectually.Are you having one with me?
You’d better be careful, Mary ad-libbed.It might be sexual harassment.
Well, I am not gay , said Annie.
You never know till you try, Mary giggled ,like a child behind the school canteen
Why, we might become gender fluid and then who knows?
And so say all of us