I had a cat which never scratched or bit Her manners were perfection , I can say But on the stairs she lay and fell asleep She tripped me up and fled to Uruguay
She always recognised my newest frock She would leap down from the window sill And she would try to milk the fabric that allured Till I had threads and holes writ in my Will
She used her scratching post when on good form Yet when we went away, she disobeyed For we found scratches on the sofa arms Where she had exercised the right to fray
Yet when she died we missed her perfect pitch I should have learned to mioaw like a witch
Died of ulcer on foot, was used to pain, so ignored Verdict: too unassuming,undemanding and scrupulous Accidental deathby suicide Died of a stroke.She thought it was migraine Verdict: knew too much yet not enough.Accident
Got out of bed on the wrong side and set fire to her dressing gown with lamp Verdict:Too shortsighted.Hence accidentand fire Was found by the wardrobe in her nightgown Died too early to get dressed hence mistook the door. Verdict:Accidental death, though unusual Ate too much and got indigestion Verdict: Stupid not to realise it was a heart attack.Suicide!
Was found dead by the maid who took her a cup of tea.Hole in forehead Verdict:Accidentally shot by a poacher with good vision or fell over a runner bean cane
Fell down the stairs and then down a hole Traffic wrongly rerouted through her hall Verdict:Murder by Transport for London Sentence:Send to USA to be shotbefore January 19th 2021
Mary was feeling very tense; her back was aching. Oh dear she moaned to her cat Emile. what a pity I can’t go to the beauty salon for a massage. I feel like it would do me so much good Her little cat was very worried. What can we do ? I have got a bright idea ,said Mary. you can massage my back I don’t think that my paws are big enough I know what to do Mary cried. If I lie on the bed with my back bare you can put some hand cream on your paws. then you can walk up and down my spine. Off course you will have to wash your paws first.
Art by author
I have got a better idea as a cat. I will go out and get Smokey who is in the shed and Dusty he lives up the road and all the three of us can walk up and down your back
I suppose that since I am the biggest one I will walk in the middle and they can walk on either side of me
Emile left to collect his friends while Mary got a shallow dish of warm water and a towel so that the cats could wash their paws after they came through the cat flap from the garden
She carried a large tub of moisturising cream upstairs and lay down on the bed with nothing on but her skirt and some stiletto heels plus a scarf and hat in merino woo;
Suddenly she heard a loud voice.
Where are you Mary she heard this very loud cry Go away,Annie said Emile, go away mother is having a sleep
Ok I’ll come back at 5 oclock. she heard the kitchen door close and a few minutes later in ran the three cats ready to help her
My goodness what would Annie have thought if she had seen Mary lying on the bed? Mary put some cream from the moisturiser tub on to a plate so that the cats could get their feet covered She lay face down on the bed and she felt the soft pads of their feet on her back Lovely she cried
Emile mewed, Now keep parallel to me and press your feet down firmly as you walk. The three cats walk slowly up her back until they reached her shoulders Now do do a 180-degree turn and slowly very slowly tread down Mary’s back until you come to her waist All of the cats kept well in line firmly but gently down there is aching bad Do it again Mary called
Smokey and Dusty were surprised but Emile was used to the strange ways of human beings especially Mary and Annie who has been very distressed when poor dear Stan had been taken away from them This is how grief affects some people They do the most odd things. but in another sense it seems a very sensible thing to do;it certainly helped Mary’s back When she told them that she was feeling better they stood up on their hind legs and with paws touching they dancted around in a little circle on her back while Mary sang
Here We Go Gathering nuts in May
Unfortunately there was nobody there to take their photograph but if you have you someone might be able to arrange for something like this for yourself
Otherwise tie a soft cloth on the end of a brush and and rub your back with this.
Do make sure that no one can see you through the window because you would have to take your clothes off
You might live in a nudist colony and then it will be alright I think I’m going to do it myself after I have a cup of tea. I will put my raincoat on and go outside to see if I can find any cats roaming around at dusk I do have a black cat that sleeps on the landing on the hot water pipe but unfortunately he doesn’t speak English And nor do all of us
