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Writing Rules! Advice From The Times on Writing Well
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20 Sept 2012
With the wounds of life whose cuts are very deep
We will feel the pains we have ignored
No more can stern denial lock the doors
We stand on cliffs whose fall is very steep
We must find the guidance from within
Pain will show the route that we must take
Do not think by murder to escape.
Oh coward heart I’ve hardly yet begun
Better to take slow and steady ways
Do not climb the rock face of your grief
Danger is the weapon of a thief
The ways of love must always be obeyed
Yet how can we be willing to accept
That we must pay the whole price of this debt?
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/28/magazine/secret-wronged-resentment-ethics.html
We’re entitled, absent special considerations, to feel and to express resentment when we are wronged. Indeed, you aren’t treating people as responsible for their acts if you don’t respond to them with the appropriate “reactive attitudes,” as the philosopher Peter Strawson called feelings like resentment. Your elder sisters, you note, grew up without the financial stability you enjoyed and experienced the kind of corporal punishment that was once the norm and that you were fortunately spared. Yet these historically commonplace circumstances aren’t known to turn people into devious schemers. So your resentment is merited. If your aim is simply, as we say, to get it off your chest, there’s no moral reason
To believe in a God means to see that the facts of the world are not the end of the matter.Ludwig Wittgenstein
When wi wer cummin’ ‘ome at last
From het Somme and from et Trojan Wars
The ghosts of owa dead menfolk shuffled past
Making sense u’ livin’ is owa task
When th’ heart and soul are sad and sore
When wi eh cummin’ ‘ome at last
The rush an’ rasp of textures breaks et fast
We want to live ; we want to fight no more
The ghosts of owa dead neighbours staggered past
When wi all went mad ,wi acted daft
Wi felt dissected by yon eyes that saw
When wi were cummin’ ‘ome at last
Some we’ weeping ,others sat and laffed
Wi saw owa cat and touched her little paws
The ghosts of owa dead mammies staggered past
Do not kill that good that love adores
Do not dance with evil as ye source
When will we be cummin’ ‘ome at last?
The ghosts of owar own futures shuffle past
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/07/learning/what-role-does-envy-play-in-your-life.html
But is there anything to be learned from envy? If Socrates was right and the unexamined life is not worth living, then surely we should examine our feelings to find what we really care about as opposed to what we would like to think we care about. And what better instrument for this kind of self-examination than envy, a feeling as honest as a punch.
For instance, I often find a reason to become angry with people
Do not leave us for your lonely grave
Do not leave us here when you are gone
Do not leave my heart in blood to bathe
We need your kindness your work is not done
Do not leave a sister all alone
Do not leave a brother empty sad.
You who share my skin and share my bones
Come back come back live not with the Dead
Here’s your daughter with her newborn babe
Here’s your eldest son oh mother mine
Live again live again oh stay
Do not leave us yet without a sign
The tears run down our faces but too late.
The human world’s not ours to navigate
I got a in my art exam
I see
And I got F in the physics exam
But physics does not begin with F.What did you get for algebra?
I think it was x. The unknown quantity
How extraordinary. Was there equation that you can solve?
It was non-linear.
How can they expect children at school to study non-linear equations?
I think they were handing out
Teach yourself everything in algebra in one hour a week .
And how long do you do that for?
X of course.
I wonder who will be the next education minister.
Did they not tell you?
Boris Johnson
Well I will be damned
No you won’t. Hell is full
But what about Donald Trump?
He might make his ownm
I did not know Death was near again
It’s not the death itself, we fear the pain,
We fear the lonely empty space you leave
I don’t know if you want to be deceived
We all know that one day we must depart
From our little castle in the heart
But we if have the energy to live
To thoughts of death no hearing do we give
When the winter comes the sun is low
Little creatures hibernate .,go slow
Without a human mind are creature sad?
Without our weary thoughts we might be glad
Irrational numbers move about the paper when you’re not looking.
2 / 3 turns into to 3/2.
It plays hell with recipes for cakes.
Any number can become irrational especially in hot weather
The solution is never bake on a hot day. Ir6 to make cakes using cup measurements instead of weighing and measuring.
Bills are irrational when they exceed the limit on your credit card and/or your bank balance
God is irrational because he made right angles triangles with two of the sides of length 1 unit forcing he hypotenuse to be √ 2
And √ 2 is not a rational number. It cannot wait expressed as a ratio of two whole numbers.
But why?
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/style/the-seven-stages-of-grief.html
Reading the letters we receive, I’m always struck by how much, and how quickly, people convert their pain into self-loathing. My first thought when I read your letter, Heartless, was: Oh my god — you’re in pain. Your grieving isn’t over. The public ways in which your fiancé’s mom is grieving have reawakened the more private sense of shock and paralysis you felt when your father died. Your instinctive contempt for her displays of sorrow, and how she’s been able to elicit comfort, raises questions about whether you received what you needed 10 years ago, when you were so young and less equipped to ask for support, or even understand how to grieve.
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https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief
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Disenfranchised Grief: When No One Seems to Understand Your Loss
Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — By Crystal Raypole on March 30, 2020
Examples
Symptoms
Coping
Finding support
Takeaway
When we lose something we love, we mourn. That’s part of our nature.
But what if guilt tinges the edges of your grief? Maybe that little voice inside whispers you shouldn’t grieve the loss of your job when you and your family still enjoy good health.
Maybe you wonder if you’re “too sad” over the loss of your pet, perhaps when someone offhandedly says, “It’s not as if you lost a child.”
No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, your grief is valid.
Still, society often fails to acknowledge some types of grief, making it challenging to express your sadness or begin to navigate the healing process.
Disenfranchised grief, also known as hidden grief or sorrow, refers to any grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms. This kind of grief is often minimized or not understood by others, which makes it particularly hard to process and work through.
Here’s a primer on how disenfranchised grief shows up and some tips for processing a difficult loss.
What it might look like
Disenfranchised grief tends to show up in five main ways (though it’s not necessarily limited to these examples).
Unrecognized relationships
If you felt a need to keep your relationship private for any reason, you may not know how to express your sorrow when your partner dies. People may also struggle to understand when you mourn someone you never knew.
This might include:
LGBTQ+ people who aren’t out and feel unsafe grieving the loss of a partner
polyamorous people who lose a non-primary partner, particularly when no one knew about their involvement
the death of a casual partner, friend with benefits, or ex-partner, especially when you remained close
the death of an online friend or pen pal
the death of someone you never knew, like an unknown sibling or absent parent
Loss that’s considered ‘less significant’
Many people don’t see breakups or estrangement as significant loss, though you can lose someone permanently even if they’re still alive. This type of loss can still cause deep, lasting distress.
Some types of non-death loss include:
adoption that doesn’t go through
dementia or Alzheimer’s disease
loss of possessions
loss of your home country
loss of safety, independence, or years of your life to abuse or neglect
loss of mobility or health
Society also tends to minimize grief associated with certain losses, such as the death of:
a mentor, teacher, or student
a patient or therapy client
a pet
a co-worker
an “honorary relative,” like a friend’s child
Loss surrounded by stigma
If the circumstances of your loss lead others to judge or criticize you, you might get the message that you’re supposed to grieve alone.
Unfortunately, some losses draw more stigma than compassion. The reactions of others might make you feel ashamed or embarrassed instead of comforted.
Some people who want to offer sympathy and support may not know how to respond to grief related to something not often discussed, such as:
infertility
death by suicide or overdose
abortion
miscarried or stillborn child
estrangement with a loved one experiencing addiction, loss of cognitive function, or
Now that the body of Queen Elizabeth II is being driven from Balmoral to London keep reminding off Queen Eleanor
The greatly loved wife of King Edward the First and the mother of the first Prince of Wales.
Queen Eleanor died near Lincoln on a journey to the north to meet her husband King Edward. Her body was brought to London this was in 1290 a d so it took a long time and in each place where the Queen’s body was kept overnight a cross was erected and there is one outside London in Waltham Cross sometimes referred to as the Eleanor cross and the last one is at Charing Cross in the middle of central London.
Saying Queen Elizabeth coffin being carried away from Balmoral reminded me of this but I don’t think her journey will take as long as that of Queen Eleanor.
Crosses must have been erected by King Edward the First 7 time after his wife had died but there’s no mention of anything like that occurring now.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/07/opinion/sunday/yes-its-your-parents-fault.html
It’s not so great if you are one of the 40 percent to 50 percent of babies who, a meta-analysis of research indicates, are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal (their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhaps threatening). “Then you have to earn your security,” Dr. Steele said, by later forming secure attachments that help you override your flawed internal working model.
Given that the divorce rate is also 40 percent to 50 percent, it would seem that this is not an easy task. Indeed, researchers said, people who have insecure attachment models tend to be drawn to those who fit their expectations, even if they are treated badly. They may subconsciously act in ways that elicit insensitive, unreliable or abusive behavior, whatever is most familiar. Or they may flee secure attachments because they feel unfamiliar.
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“Our attachment system preferentially sees things according to what has happened in the past,” said Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist at Columbia University and the co-author of the book “Attached,” which explores how attachment behaviors affect the neurochemistry of the brain. “It’s kind of like searching in Google where it fills in based on what you searched before.”
But again, history is not necessarily destiny. Intervention programs at the New School and the University of Delaware are having marked success helping at-risk groups like teenage mothers change their attachment behaviors (often passed down through generations) and establish more secure relationships. Another attachment-based intervention strategy called Circle of Security, which has 19,000 trained facilitators in 20 countries, has also proved effective.
What these protocols have in common is promoting participants’ awareness of their attachment style, and their related sabotaging behaviors, as well as training on how to balance vulnerability and autonomy in relationships.
One reason attachment theory has “gained so much traction lately is its ideas and observations are so resonant with our daily lives,” said Kenneth Levy, an associate professor of psychology at Pennsylvania State University who researches attachment-oriented psychotherapy.
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Indeed, if you look at the classic categories of attachment styles — secure; insecure anxious; insecure avoidant; and insecure disorganized — it’s pretty easy to figure out which one applies to you and others in your life. The categories stem from tens of thousands of observations of babies and toddlers whose caregivers leave them briefly, either alone or with a stranger, and then return, a test known as the “strange situation.” The labels can also apply to how adults behave toward loved ones in times of stress.
Secure children get upset when their caregivers leave, and run toward them with outstretched arms when they return. They fold into the caregiver and are quickly soothed. A securely attached adult similarly goes to a loved one for comfort and support when they, say, are passed over for a promotion at work or feel vulnerable or hurt. They are also eager to reciprocate when the tables are turned.
Children high on the insecure anxious end of the spectrum get upset when caregivers leave and may go to them when they return. But these children aren’t easily soothed, usually because the caregiver has proved to be an unreliable source of comfort in the past. They may kick and arch their back as if they are angry. As adults, they tend to obsess about their relationships and may be overly dramatic in order to get attention. They may hound romantic interests instead of taking it slow.
Insecure avoidant children don’t register distress when their caregivers leave (although their stress hormones and heart rate may be sky high) and they don’t show much interest when caregivers return, because they are used to being ignored or rebuffed. Alternatively, a parent may have smothered them with too much attention. Insecure avoidant adults tend to have trouble with intimacy and are more likely to leave relationships, particularly if they are going well. They may not return calls and resist talking about their feelings.
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Finally, insecure disorganized children and adults display both anxious and avoidant behaviors in an illogical and erratic manner. This behavior is usually the lingering result of situations where a childhood caregiver was threatening or abusive.
Tools to determine your dominant attachment style include the Adult Attachment Interview, which is meant to be administered by a clinician, or self-report questionnaires like the Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey. But critics said their accuracy depends on the skill and training of the interviewer in the case of the former and the self-awareness of the test taker in the latter, which perhaps explains why you can take both tests and end up in different categories.
“It can also be possible that people should be viewed as along a continuum in all categories,” said Glenn I. Roisman, the director of the Relationships Research Lab at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.
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It’s worth noting that just as people in the insecure categories can become more secure when they form close relationships with secure people, secure people can become less so if paired with people who are insecure. “You need social context to sustain your sense of security,” said Peter Fonagy, a professor of psychoanalysis at University College London.
He added that having secure attachments is not about being a perfect parent or partner but about maintaining communication to repair the inevitable rifts that occur. In the daily battering of any relationship, Dr. Fonagy said, “if free flow of communication is impaired, the relationship is, too.”
Kate Murphy is a journalist in Houston who writes frequently for The New York Times.
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We shall meet again some funny day. Bu
Do you want to get married in the cemetery this time.
Is it legal for the dead to get married? No, I just want to be repainted.
A funeral service usually contains sins What are your personal favourites?
I think I’d like them to play the lark descending.
So would you like an orchestra?
I shall not be able to see when I’m laughing.
I didn’t know it was laughing that would make you go blind
When you are dead you don’t mind being blind. But I would hate not being able to talk
Are you really having a conversation when you are by yourself?
? Two minds with a single heart
Don’t say you bait me already
Let me be your end
I want to blow Rome
Yes,I am very prized
Is that flea yours?
I think we should get a bed
What colour is your behind?
I hope she likes my revolver
She’s a rhinocerus at the hospital with a camera
The doctor promised to visit your grave.
I’ll take your ashes to the Surgery on Ash Wednesday although he is a Hindu
Don’t say you are off colour altogether
I say,you look really vague today
Don’t ask me for six every night
But I’m so hot I need an ice tube
Don’t keep hawking about texts
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/18/health/complicated-grief-so-deep-it-wont-die.html
Complicated or prolonged grief can assail anyone, but it is a particular problem for older adults, because they suffer so many losses — spouses, parents, siblings, friends. “It comes with bereavement,” said Dr. Katherine Shear, the psychiatrist who led the Columbia University study. “And the prevalence of important losses is so much greater in people over 65.”
In a review in The New England Journal of Medicine earlier this year, Dr. Shear listed several symptoms characteristic of complicated grief: intense longing or yearning, preoccupying thoughts and memories and an inability to accept the loss and to imagine a future without the person who died.
When you came to see me you looked pale
Your skin was almost yellow I perceived
Your heart was kind and it has never failed.
Your face betrayed your feelings, that you grieved,
I wish that you had told me how you felt
Comfort does not come to those that hide
You hoped by smoke and mirrors to deflect
But still the pain inside you you had its rights
Turn back if you can you’re near the edge
The cliff is high the face contains few grips
Even if you are light you’ll break the ledge
I always been afraid that you would slip
Appearances of health deceived our eyes
Come back, come back I cannot let you die
How my heart sings 