How he died

I wish you were still living
I wish you were still here
I was making you a cup of tea
You were sitting near

I put it down beside you
On the table top
But before we could drink it
We heard a heavy knock

The woman came in boldly
With a spirit black and sheer
She wanted to assess you
But Death had come with her

Death was dancing like her shadow
She was its chosen host
You never drank that cup of tea
That’s what hurts me most

For a married couple
Sitting side by side
Having a nice cup of tea
Is nothing to deride

Meals and drinks form structures
For the sick and frail
You were happy in your old brown chair
I feel that I have failed

I should have kept that woman out
I see her mocking face
Death hid itself just by the porch
She left me here defaced

Eight days later on the phone
She heard my quivering voice
Told me to get therapy
Mourning is for ghosts

We cannot grieve and weep these days
For all emotion’s wrong
We need to be schizoid
Our affect flatly flung

Come back,John, and have your tea
I’m still warming the pot
If that woman comes again
I’ll baptise her with the lot

I miss you, how I miss you!
I only have your dust
I keep you in my heart for sure
I miss the love and trust

Do net fordjerre

This is Frisian which is like Dutch and is what we would speak if the Normans had not come here on 1066
Net fordjerre de blydskip fan alle wy hiene
De goede hoecht net ferlern as leafhawwers diel.
As jo nedich romte dan nimme it en forbliidzje.

Want ik hâld fan dy, ik sil no wêze sad
Mar der is gjin needsaak om trochstiek my yn it hert
Net fordjerre de blydskip fan alle wy hiene.

Mei jo leafde wurden ik ienris wie beklaaid
No neaken oan ‘e wyn, ik moat fuort
As jo nedich romte dan nimme it en forbliidzje.

De ienige konstante leafde is dat fan God
No Eros is Hy mei syn arrowed darten
Net fordjerre de blydskip fan alle wy hiene.

Op dizze forlorn, swakke tracks ik haw ien kear trod
Yn myn gedachten ik sykje foar raffelige charts
As jo nedich romte dan nimme it en forbliidzje.

Ik ha myn kaarten en no bin folslein beklaaid.
Mei tearens, farwol myn leafste hert.
Net fordjerre de blydskip fan alle wy hiene.
As jo nedich romte dan nimme it en forbliidzj

What we don’t know can hurt us



What we don’t know can hurt us. The “unconscious,” as Sigmund Freud professed, is the “unknown” or “not known.” That portion of subjective experience which is obscured, invisible to consciousness, at least “at the moment.” It consists largely of the parts of ourselves we deny, dissociate, despise, denigrate, dread and generally repress. What we repress comes back to haunt us with a vengeance. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche spoke of this phenomenon as “the return of the repressed.” Denial or dissociation are repressive defense mechanisms, and serve some necessary function in terms of preserving mental health. But when some significant aspect of ourselves is chronically denied or dissociated (i.e., repressed and made unconscious), the proverbial chickens eventually come home to roost. If, for instance, someone always denies their anger, these feelings will some day resurface tenfold, especially under stress, though the reason for and intensity of their rage may be unclear  and inappropriate to the current circumstances. This dark and treacherous territory to which these repressed “chickens”–or, more descriptively, “demons” are banished–is what Jung referred to as the “shadow.” It is related also to what Rollo May called the “daimonic.” The daimonic, according to May, “is any natural function which has the power to take over the whole person. Sex and eros, anger and rage, and the craving for power are examples.” Thedaimonic, can, by definition, be both destructive and creative. When the daimonic is habitually denied, it becomes more negative and dangerous. But when we acknowledge its presence and reality, it can be the life-giving source of energy, strength, power, spirituality and creativity. This can be said of the unconscious in general. So it is vitally important to learn to listen to one’s unconscious carefully, and to what it has to say about what’s happening in the psyche now and what needs to happen if the future, both inwardly and outwardly. Meditation,mindfulness and dream work are all methods of listening to and discerning the unconscious.The secret is to take the unconscious (and its complexes) seriously, treating it with the respect and sense of mystery, awe and wonder it deserves. And to recognize the ultimate futility of repression, rather allowing one’s self to consciously experience emotions as they arise, while at the same time learning to pause between stimulus and response rather than reflexively acting on them. We have both the freedom and responsibility to choose how we respond to our feelings. But that, like any other skill, takes practice.

Attention with feeling



Simone Weil on Attention and Grace


Simone Weil on Attention and Grace

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”

“Attention without feeling,” Mary Oliver wrote in her beautiful elegy for her soul mate, “is only a report.” To fully feel life course through us, indeed, we ought to befriend our own attention, that “intentional, unapologetic discriminator.”

More than half a century before Oliver, another enchantress of the human spirit — the French philosopher Simone Weil (February 3, 1909–August 24, 1943), a mind of unparalleled intellectual elegance and a sort of modern saint whom Albert Camus described as “the only great spirit of our times” — wrote beautifully of attention as contemplative practice through which we reap the deepest rewards of our humanity.

Eros, selfish, sacred, who resists?

Garden wall ivy


Love too great can drown the one adored.
As if Jove sent  tsunami as a gift
Overwhelming all her personal choice.

Little offerings gentle and deserved
Will  not frighten either be too swift
Love too great can drown the one adored.

Speaking kindly as we find our  voice
Not shouting love, when we ought to desist
Overwhelming other’s personal choice.

At other  times a lover’s been devoured
By that selfishness, we’re not impressed
Love too great can drown the one adored.

God alone can speak in such a voice
By his truth, all other is expressed
Overwhelming, merciful and right

Eros, selfish, sacred, who resists?
Keep your love in bounds, may it be blessed
Love too great can drown the one adored.
Overwhelming all their personal, unique worth

The suicide and murdering of Europe


I often think that WW2 never ended.Indeed WW1 didn’t end properly.There was an armistice not a victory.France and Britain stole the Ottoman Empire and divided it up between them. The countries in the Middle East were an invention.
Germany was crippled with reparation payments which led them to invest in the USA.The Wall Street Crash in 1929 caused inflation of monumental size.Panic and hate spread allowing  the Nazis to get  into power.
After the extent of the Holocaust was revealed, was it assumed that the remaining Jews would forget it just as the traumatised soldiers and civilians were expected to forget their terrible suffering? And   all the grief and loss… where was that meant to go?
Was killing all those people the beginning of the end for Europe?I have seen it referred to as Europe’s suicide.Does every being,state or civilisation desire its own end as Thanatos and Eros fight it out  yet again?
The Jews never got much help.Along with some other displaced people they still had nowhere to go to after the survivors were released. from Auschwitchz and other  such horrors.They were still in camps several years after the  War ended.Nobody wanted them despite the fact they appear more intelligent than many other people [ see Nobel Prizes].
Israel seems like an inevitable consequence yet one can see they are vulnerable being so small a country.One nuclear bomb would be the end.And the people they displaced endured great suffering and still do.So did the War ever end properly and in a way that people could rebuild from? i don’t think so.And now we are veering in the same direction.

Mary and Ken Livingstone’s Gherkin

Mary was wande ring down the High Street of a little town a few miles from Knittingham. Here stood tall trees, which have been hacked into stumps by the local council, They are vehemently opposed to anything that might change the town into an upmarket suburb of Knittingham.

They wanted it to be ‘modern’, like a small version of Manhattan or Paris, maybe, or even London. but there was not enough room ffor a skyscraper or a Gherkin, like the one that Ken Livingstone had erected in London after he went to Soho

Mary was wearing a long, blue, unlined, woollen coat from Marks and Spencer, over a dark grey and green sweater dress, with matching leather boots. In her hand, she carried a large green handbag, which contained her Kindle Paperwhite and her purse

Suddenly she had a loud cry: “Mary, Mary!”.

She looked around and there was an old friend whom she knew before the advent of smartphones and computers and, therefore, not being very well organised, she had lost the address of this dear lady, Margaret.

“Shall we go and have a cup of coffee in that Turkish restaurant?”, Margaret inquired politely.I have my cat in the car and I’ll get him a scone. The people are very friendly

“What a brilliant idea!”, Mary cried, “I have come out just to have a change of scene and Annie, my friend in Knittingham, has got measles I have a cat myself

“I do hope you’ve had measles already”, said Margar


Yes, I have”, Mary lied.
“Well, tell me your latest news. How is your rheumatoid arthritis? Have they given you any of these new drugs, which suppress your immune system to stop it from attacking your own body?”

“No, they haven’t given me any yet”, Margaret replied a bit late now

“I believe that, nowadays, they give them to people right at the beginning of the illness tbut, in my day, they did not give them to you until it was fully developed, unfortunately, I have become somewhat disabled.”

“Well, how do you manage to live on your own?”Do you have a lover who might help you?

“No lover as yet but I have various devices that I can use”, Margaret told her with a twinkle in her eye, giving Mary the impression that Margaret was the owner of a gigantic array of vibrators and other similar implements trying them out for some Health Magazine for the handicapped

Mary was thinking that they were probably better than codeine for taking your mind off your pains and aches which, in the case of arthritis can be excruciating, making it impossible in many cases for a woman to have sex though she had imagined marrying her cat Emile as he had expressive eyes and did not desire her body
She did not tell Margaret what she was thinking but said:

“I know that you can get a stand for your electric kettle, so that you can pour the water out of it without lifting the kettle up from the work surface., and you can also get vacuum cleaners that are self-propelled.”

As Mary had a great many books, she was unlikely to buy one of these vacuum cleaners, because they would knock over all her carefully choshen piles of scholarly works and art books, not to mention the tubs full of pens and pencils, and coloured pastel chalks.

When they went into the cafe, the waitress was very polite and soon they were drinking their coffee at a little table in the window, from where they could see the local people passing by. Many were wearing badges asking for an end to the Civil War in Britain

“You’ll never guess what happened to me”, Margaret said

, “I was in the bookshop, where they have a folding chair for me to sit; they know I can’t stand up for a long time without suffering pain. I’d just sat down when this young woman came up to me and said:”

“You can’t sit there and read: you have to go upstairs and sit in an armchair.”

“Well, if you show me the lift, I will be very happy to go upstairs ” , I said humorously

.Or maybe you can carry me up as you are very heavy and strong

“We don’t have a lift”, the woman cried loudly, “We only have one for us to take books upstairs and we do not allow customers to use it, because it is not insured.”

=Would you mind if I just sat here for 5 minutes?”

“No!, you cannot sit there for 5 minutes”

“ Well, I was unable to get up, straight away”, said Margaret “but, as soon as I could, I put the expensive book, which been going to buy, back onto the rack of new non-fiction and saved £20 there and then

” “That’s not very nice”, continued Mary. i“It might even be illegal to tell a disabled person to go up some stairs, when there is no lift or escalator.”

Margaret called
“Let’s talk about something else. I like that coat: it’s a lovely shade of Prussian blue

“Never say the word Prussian to me”, said Mary “it reminds me of the war.”

“Well”, said Margaret “if our luck continues on its present track and also the Middle East, there will be almost no country that we can talk about it without getting distressed by the name.”

It’s a real indictment of humankind.Civilization is inextricably linked to War.Let#s put that thought aside and talk about clothes instead

“I like this coat however we name the colour”, said Mary “because it is made of wool and the sleeves are lined but the body is not lined, which means that is suitable for this early spring weather and also quite light to wear always an advantage for the older lady. it also covers up whatever else I am wearing underneath because it is quite long.”

“What on earth are you wearing underneath?”Margaret asked humorously

“For all you know I might have nothing underneath it”, said Mary “except a pair of silk knickers a

And a deod dorant called

Unarmed and dangerous

“ I have changed a lot since my husband died and I do all sorts of peculiar things. For example, I believed in times it will soon be legal to marry an animal and I would like to
marry Emile, so that he can sleep in bed with me rather than on top of the bed.”

“But he might scratch you accidentally! “, cried Margaret.And can he kiss you?

“Oh, there’s always a fly in the ointment”, Mary said.

“Well don’t marry the fly”, her friend responded.”I don’t think that Father Brown would like that, even if it could speak and say ‘I do’; it would definitely not want to sleep in bed with you. it will be flying around your bedroom, buzzing all night, and I don’t think it’ll be the only. one”
“I have to marry a spider then”, said Mary, “Maybe two spiders”

They both laughed uproariously, to the amazement of all the other people in a cafe

“It’s good to see old ladies laughing isn’t it?”

It certainly is.”

“So will you be going back to that book shop?”

“Well, I did try to go back but, as I approached the door, my mouth went very dry and I realised I was getting that ‘fight or flight’ reaction, even though I didn’t feel so anxious but something inside me was worried that history was about to repeat itself and I ’d be the object of scorn and derision.”

“Yes, it’s horrible to feel humiliated isn’t it”, said Mary.

“I was reading an article in the Guardian, which said that some scientists of the most social sorts have discovered that even the nicest people unconsciously see disabled people as less than human.”.

“Oh my god! that is very frightening because I am getting older and I might get disabled and then I will suffer like you do.”

“Well, you have to be tolerant of suffering”

But how tolerant should one be? I don’t want to have back some of those politically correct people who go around like Methodist -preachers, attacking people who are agnostic or who want unisex toilets

“Are there any heterosexual toilets?”

“I’ve never seen any but you never know.”

After drinking their coffees, they walked into Marks and Spencer’s to look at the new spring clothing

That looks like a satin tracksuit!”, Mary called politely

“I believe that the short trousers are coming back into fashion. they are a big problem because it puts all the focus on your ankles so you cannot wear those dirty old socks that you can wear at home or with long trousers. I think they are a plot to make us buy ankle boots.”

Everything’s a plot now, isn’t it.

“Well don’t say that to the doctor or she will think you are getting paranoia.”

“Getting paranoia? I’ve been paranoid all my life

.”“How sad!”

Well, nowadays you need a bit of paranoia, especially if you come from Europe and believe that you can work in Britain and contribute to the economy, while enjoying all the lavish pleasures of London city and nightlife.”

“The so-called foreigners are much more courteous than English people. in fact I am ashamed to be English now and I pretend that I came from Ireland instead.”

You look more like a Valkyrie.”

“Don’t say that! I hate the composer Wagner.”

“I do believe the word existed before he wrote the music but I understand how you feel. It’s not your fault that you’ve got blonde hair and blue eyes and a white skin.”

“My hair isn’t really blonde any more. I think it’s more silvery, like Helen Mirren.”

“Does it really matter what her hair looks like now?”

”“Well, we have to amuse ourselves somehow and, since we no longer have husbands, we ’re deprived of much pleasure and love, and we have to put out the wheelie bins ourselves, which I think is really awful.”

Well, it’s a sort of exercise, isn’t it?”

“If that’s all I got, I’d be paralyzed by now!”

“So, what else do you do?”

“I do some vacuuming, now and then, I move books out of the bookcase and carry them into the other room and, you won’t believe this, last week I accidentally put a bag of nearly new clothes into the ‘dirty’ wheelie bin and found I still had the rubbish in the hall.! Unfortunately, the bins had been emptied and there was nothing I could do to get them back. Mind you, I did feel a certain relief but as the hall was no longer full of black bin liners and other stuff like that..

Not to mention all those cables, cords, and chargers that we have nowadays. I think the computer was invented purely to give us more things to buy, to keep the economy going. Nobody really wanted to have computers but they realised that, once you got one, you would want to connect it to your camera, or your television, or the printer, and so it would mean a big market for those cables and cords.

But it gives me something to do, while the Government argue about Brexit.”

It’s not just the Government who are arguing. My gardener nearly hit me when I said I wanted to remain in Europe. I am forbidden to mention Brexit anywhere near him.”

“I have noticed that it doesn’t matter what the evidence is,; even the most intelligent people will not change their minds, so it must be coming from a deeper level.”

“I have noticed that it doesn’t matter what the evidence is,; even the most intelligent people will not change their minds, so it must be coming from a dfantasy buteeper level.”I thought it might be related to sexual fantasy but the latest idea is that it is beyond explanation in any human terms; it is evil beyond our ability to explain. It is not true that, if Hitler did not exist, someone else would have behaved the same way. He could have lost his mind when he was defeated by Russia at Stalingrad but, if you lost your mind, would you go and exterminate six million Jews and gays or 6 million other people?

The frightening thing is that it could so easily become the way that Muslims are treated. People say to me: “I don’t want to think about politics, it’s upsetting me”,
but isn’t that what the German said in the 1930s? If we don’t bother about it, we may find ourselves in a trap that we can’t escape from.

It is painful to think about these things when we would rather think about the daffodils and the magnolia flowers, but who will protect us or guard us, when we go further down this lunacy track.”

“Yes, I see what you mean. it’s like thinking that know, if people are depressed, sad, worried, it’s just thought to be very, very bad and they have been put on tablets and getting CBT when, in fact, it may be appropriate to feel that way, as long as one can channel it into some useful activity.”

It can give you energy… I believe there’s a big march in London against racism and fascism. I don’t know whether the big marches have any effect. do you remember the one against the Iraq War? One of the biggest marches ever seen in London and yet it made absolutely no difference to Tony Blair.”

“Anyway, just give me your news before we depart.”

“I shall tell you what; I’ll give you my email address and then we can communicate about our children or our other activities: grand-children etc. Maybe we can meet more frequently now, as we don’t have to rush home to make the dinner.”

The two women hugged each other before they separated and then Mary went back to the High Street. although she couldn’t remember now what she was going to buy.It might have been an electric tin opener, or a bottle of wine, or a throw from Robert Dyas to hide under if anybody looked through the window.

Does it matter what she was going to buy? s She just wanted to get some fresh air, and meeting old friends always a good thing, especially for aged people

I’m sure Emile would agree if Mary brought him with her in her handbag, but he was putting on weight and is a little bit too heavy to carry. It would be wonderful if Emile were very big, then Mary could ride on his back as if he were a donkey
Why not buy a real donkey?

“Oh no! cry all of us .”

Harmonious dirtiness

Rydal2019-3When Mary woke up she could see the sun shining through the curtains. How lucky, it was going to be another bright day. She lay in bed trying to decide what to do. then she remembered that she could not go out because she was waiting for the pharmacy to deliver her medication.
Owing to the cutbacks in the NHS the pharmacy was struggling to cope with all the prescriptions received especially from the older folk of Knittingham who have been put onto statins,calcium channel blockers, beta blockers, tranquilizers, antidepressants mini aspirin, warfarin and even anti-psychotic drugs because they did not believe  Theresa May was a was a real living  person  so were diagnosed with schizophrenia.
f Ronald Laing was here now he would be rolling in his grave because he said schizophrenia was caused by people being put into an intolerable situation within the family of origin or more likely within Society if we can still iue the word
Is Boris Johnson real?  Michael Gove… he’s hardly  looks human;you see if you do not agree with what the majority of people think then you are defined as mad.
This means that all the Jews in Germany and Austria and other countries in Eastern Europe   were crazy in  1938  because they did not believe that Adolf Hitler was a good leader for Germany and indeed was a dangerous  and evil human

And when they were taken to Concentration Camps and murdered or shot  in their thousands by the advancing German army on its way to “defeat” the Soviet Union in 1941……….. were they out of their minds?
Who do you think was crazy then?
Who is crazy now?

Well, Mary thought this is not going to get me very far I better make myself a big mug full of hot tea so I can take my antibiotics.

I really wonder now if original sin is real or whether it is a society that is evil. Western societies have  nuclear bombs, military forces and many such things. That must tell us something.

Mary was looking in her wardrobe trying to find something to wear. She picked out a skirt of many colours rather like Joseph’s coat would have been in the Bible. That didn’t do Joseph much good do it?. With that, she wore a blue acrylic jumper  whose neck was too low so underneath she had to wear a purple camisole 

My goodness, she thought it takes me half the morning just getting dressed; however did we manage to go to work years back?

Of course, when Mary was working she wore just jeans and a sweater.. She even wore underwear  but nobody could see it except on one occasion when the zip on her trousers broke in the middle of a lecture.However, the students were very kind and none of them seemed to be looking at it. that was because her lectures were so fascinating that none of the students was looking at her as a woman despite the fact they could have seen her  blue silk knickers poking out through the broken zip.

After that Mary realised that it was better to wear a very long sweater when out of the house. How kind her students  had  been

Downstairs she noticed that although she had vacuumed the carpet in the hall the day before it was still covered in little bits of paper and other tiny objects. I suppose you can’t have it clean all the time she murmured to her cat Emile
It’s not natural to be clean. Are forests clean, are woods clean, is the sea clean? I’d better think about the latter one she thought. after reading the news about the environmentshe knew there were different kinds of cleanliness

There was a kind of a harmonious dirtiness which fostered the growth of plants and seeds and then there was the inharmonious dirtiness of grass verges being covered in crisp packets and empty bottles of Coke and the inharmonious depths of the sea where plastic bags were waiting to kill the whales or the dolphins Yes it is rather difficult to define she decided.

In the kitchen, her cordless vacuum cleaner was waiting to be charged. Had it committed a crime. Of course not, it was waiting to be charged with electricity.

  Through the glass door, she saw her friend Annie approaching slowly  as she was wearing  very high heeled shoes

Good grief Mary cried. I thought all the top people were wearing white trainers this year with designer clothes

Well, I am not, said Annie. I bought these shoes because I have got an  invitation to have dinner with that psychotherapist who lives across the road

You haven’t mentioned him for a long time, smiled Mary but in any case, it’s not the time for dinner yet

No it’s not till tomorrow actually but I thought I would try these shoes out and see what I can get used to wearing them so it won’t look as if I’m making an effort to look especially good for him.

The shoes were shiny red patent leather with 5-inch heels.

What makes you think that he will like them, asked Mary tentatively

All men like these sort of shoes and  Annie told her.

You can’t prove that. I don’t suppose that the native peoples of North America would  have liked women to wear shoes like that

They probably did not even wear shoes at all : they had moccasins with soles, made from buffalos hides…

Well it’s different nowadays

 Modern life has made men’s sexual desire  disappear so we need to do things to bring it back again

Why, even teenagers have given up sex now!

I don’t think that psychotherapist is a teenager whispered Mary with a smile on her face.

You may be right

When he was growing up women would have been wearing stiletto heels. I had some myself until they got stuck in a groove in the pavement and I  had to leave them behind.

That’s why I did mathematics at University. I wanted something more.

That’s ridiculous,replied Annie. I wore stiletto heels and have been married five times and I never wanted to go to university to read anything at all.  Especially not physics, mathematics or engineering or difficult subjects like that.
I think it will be a big mistake for women to believe they can get married after they have read mathematics for 6 years at university.
Well I got married  said Mary bluntly

You must be the exception to the rule as you are so stunningly lovely and not dominating at all.

Some men like a dominating woman, Mary kindly informed her.

Well, I’ve never met a man like that so far. her friend responded

Maybe you will

I wonder what that psychotherapist likes. Do you not think  he will be married already

I don’t mind.  I can be his mistress.

But wearing red patent leather shoes makes it all too obvious to the neighbours ; they will think that you are a tart

What, at my age?

There’s no  tart like an old tart

That doesn’t mean anything said Annie nervously.

Not logically but it means something even if it’s only humorous. What kind of dress are you going to wear with this?

I got a dress from Dash last year it’s what they call a wrap dress it’s blue and quite demure but I would like you to see me in it to make sure it is not too tight. I hate a dress that is too tight on a  woman

But not on a man, I suppose, Mary replied  whimsically

I don’t mind what men wear. If they want to wear a wrap dress let them wear it especially in the summertime as these cotton dresses are very comfy in hot weather

But that’s not why you’re wearing one is it? You are wearing it because you think it will make you look sexually attractive

Well, it might make a man look sexually attractive too.

I suppose we don’t really know exactly what makes people look sexually attractive. But why don’t you want to be friends with this psychotherapist first and get to know him and to understand where he is coming from before you decide to wear provocative clothing. if he’s a Freudian he might think you’ve got hysteria

Oh no no, psychotherapists can’t decide something like that from one meeting

We should not rush to judgment.A  woman might be wearing  a wrap dress that clings to her curvaceous body because all her other  clothes are in the washing machine

It would have to be a very big washing machine to put your clothes into it all at once

Don’t be snide it doesn’t suit your nature, Mary!.

Perhaps my nature will change now that I am a widow. perhaps I will say nasty things to people  and steal you fruit from their Orchards

Will you start doing armed robbery asked her friend  because if you do I would like to come with you

Do you really mean that, Mary asked

Yes of course I do. although I have no guns  and I have no knives  except the ones in the kitchen

Well they can be deadly. Marital violence has occurred where a long-suffering wife has killed the  cruel husband with the carving knife when she was trying to cook the Sunday dinner and he was asking her to cut his toe nails

That’s true but I am thinking of robbing banks and they will not be cooking a Sunday dinner in there will they?

No ,they’re probably going to McDonald’s for their dinner

That’s alright then

I was just thinking of pretending to have a gun and staring at them brazenly

Give me  your money I want £50,000

it’s no use, Mary. you look too kind and gentle to be convincing

In that case, I will have to start practicing looking nasty and aggressive

Please don’t do it to me    Annie asked. it might bring out the demon in me

I didn’t know you had got a  demon inside you said, Mary. has it got a name?

Not so far  but I will think of one soon  because I am going to buy it its own mobile phone

Why would a demon want a mobile phone? asked Mary

Don’t be so logical. not everything has a reason. I expect  they like to look modern like you and I do

Well don’t spend a lot of money on it You can get a Nokia 1 unlocked for £79.99  on Amazon and then you have to buy a SIM card

I would have thought a SIN card will be most suitable  for demons,.I shall go and put my new dress on and return here in a few minutes so that you can tell me what you think

Why Annie thinks that Mary is a good judge of clothing is a mystery to all of us  as her main interest is in mending gadgets and studying philosophy while listening to Leonard Cohen singing The Future

And  it is to all of us




Rambling into a muddle about self help and other possibly spiritual matters


I realised I had not got down the thing I felt important when I wrote about Self’s to do with will and will power.I recall in my upbringing that it seemed to be taken for granted that if we knew something was wrong it was easy not to do it.And of we did it,then it was a sin… we might burn in hell!
When I began to read a book by Leslie Farber I found he defined anxiety as
Willing that which cannot be willed.
He gives examples such as that we can lie down by willpower but we cannot sleep by it, we can have sex if the urges are still there but we cannot conceive by will power.. in other words there are many things we can’t control… we can’t will someone to love us…we can’t make a phobia disappear or lose weight..
Now does this mean that if we would like to become more loving or kinder or less proud [and pride lurks behind much of our thinking] does it mean we ought to give up?
Similarly we can’t cure fear of lifts by will power although we can travel in a lift while accepting the panic by willpower…
How can we do any of these good things?
I suppose I might try to explain it by
We can put ourselves into a place where what we cannot will might happen in another way.I believe the concept of grace which comes to us sometimes might be an example.
We may be lucky and get the grace to get courage or we might have to be more active….
If it’s to do with a phobia we may find if we make ourselves do what we fear that eventually it will become easier.I have found that with being in a car.
Or we may find a change of environment may do the trick.
This worked for me when I went to university and got away from the imprisonment of the convent school where I had become totally mute for a year without anyone noticing or bothering!
The amazement of being treated politely by the staff at university and getting friends from a different background gave me back my voice.. literally..
A humorous note…I went to call on a sick lady on Xmas Eve and in our chat I said to her that I used to be very quiet..
She said,You still are very quiet.dear.:)
The point is I can speak should I wish to…
A change of partner is seen as an answer by some folk though unless they know what was wrong they may end up replicating the original…
Good conversation can be helpful.Self acceptance is a good aim.Trustworthy friends…
..not to mention eating,resting,walking etc.
In more spiritual matters we might find that admitting to ourselves we have hurt another or ourself and feeling the sadness may lead to a change of consciousness but it could take time and it’s painful… but lots of things are painful in this life on earth.
Well,I feel confused now and am rambling so I’ll stop.But self help from a book does not preclude getting help from others… in fact the opposite may be the truth..