Day: April 26, 2020

Vulgar is the night

I need all these toilet rolls in case I have a nosebleed,officer
Try using tampax instead
Suppose they get stuck?
Go to A and E
I might get Covid 19
Who is he?

I saw everyone was buying Andrex  in large packs.So I thought Boris Johnson had died

I need all these toilet rolls to  make Xmas crackers from the tubes,my Lord

I  thought they might sell out so I bought 200 more.Is that a crime?

I suffer from a weak bladder, so I need to keep drying myself,officer
Wear a  pad
What, an iPad?
Well,  don’t  use a kindle  Fire
Why not?
You might get burned
Can I put suncream on my female organ?
As long as you don’t play  the organ  for a few hours
I thought, this  is why we can’t sunbathe in the park
But we can sunbathe at home if we take the roof off the house
How mad is that?

I wish you had a bookcase in your head

I wish I were in Venice in a boat
My lover has just tried to kiss my goat

Why is love so pure a threat to men?
Tender feelings flow, I’m home again

Should I eat a pancake for my tea
I’ll text you  when the boat is out at sea

I want a  man who smells like apple pie
Oh,Lord send  one  here quickly  or I’ll die

I did  once see someone turn the other cheek
But  now he has arthritis so he weeps

I wonder is it legal to keep sheep?
I’d like a small one  near me as I sleep

Some get married, some still  live  in sin
I  want a man  who loves a wheelie bin

I cut the hedge with clippers, next my hair
Difficult as I have little  there

I once taught Econometrics blind
The students passed,  and then I lost my mind

I prefer topology  to food
After that I might say something lewd

Did you ever  laugh when fast asleep?
My husband was so merry so oblique

Sugar in the tea

I’ve got no more rotten eggs
Well, is that not good?
I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians
Why not threw that cat’s litter?
Kittens!
Well, it is a tom cat
He probably has hundreds of children
That reminds me of Boris Johnson
I know he is partly Turkish
What’s that got to do with having children?
I was just passing a remark
His grandad was the son of an immigrant
I say, we should ban them
That’s extreme
What do you suggest?
We’ll only have Muslims and Jews
That is ridiculous
Why?
They also have lots of children
Let’s go back to eggs.
Do you want devilled eggs for your tea?
Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea.
How original!
We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen
Then you hate foxhunters
Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity
Still, not as bad as  the Holocaust and who tried to stop that?
I wasn’t born then 
But you  look like a Valkrie
Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair?
Why  not  a maiden?
I  got married 5 times.
Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences
Three were men and the last two were women
Next you will be  marrying that cat
I hope I don’t have kittens!
Well, better than nothing
I am not sure about that
Never say never, again
What,never?
Miaow

Black humour

Make my heart into a cottage pie.
Already it is minced and lies estranged
My   enemies insult me with their lies
And my last will and testament is made.

An onion and a carrot chopped up fine,
Saute  with these my heart till  all are gold
With herbs and spices I will taste divine
A mashed potato will a rooftop mould.

Do not forget my blood to use as sauce
Though now it’s cold, with garlic  make it boil.
For what is gravy but the blood of lamb?
With  sliced  onion  fried in olive oil.

O foes and devils eat me and you’ll be
Transformed into  to myself,your enemy

T

Digital art when you are limited by caring for others

This is an old photo which I  had fun with  using a simple photo editor
It is not necessary to forgo pleasure when you are a carer.Half an hour now and then is better than watching crap on  your TV
Pardon my language but I find  lately TV has sunk down

I  wandered into Digital Art via Microsoft Paint.I could not find any books about it except when you wanted to create an image that looked like watercolour or oil paintings
Well, the tools for that are expensive and to my mind pointless.I prefer to use real water colour.
But  since you don’t have to put your paints and water, brushes and other media out it takes no time to open Microsoft online,Pixlr or to download Artweaver onto Windows
At first I did weird little drawings but I was  kindly encouraged by Janet Weight Reedand some others on a blog site which alas closed down
Then  when I got more intrigued I began to draw cats and apples
You can change the colours to see what you prefer.Dark backgrounds look good more often
As I did this for fun,I was not concerned about whether they were good.
I did learn that space is important in Art and I like to draw two or three objects close to each other as in still lives
If my husband  needed me I could just close the  laptop for a while.I love colour and the geometry of form
I was told at school I was no good at Art.But now I don’t mind whaat people say because it was a great help to  me to take my mind away from the suffering we both endured and the  lack of care that we  should have been offered.Apparently it is considered impossible for a person to look after a loved one when they are so ill .And I  had had surgery just before he collapsed so had 12 stitches in my face.That did distress  him as I bleed more than most people.Now they say I am lucky to be alive.I am very grateful also for  having readers here and having ‘Mike Flemming’s s beautiful photos

Cats praying

Where our attention lies

I had a fissure  on my worn old thumb
The pain  was so severe my eyes both ran
I felt self pity, why is life so  cruel?
All day I  had grieved  like some old fool

Then I saw some  lights flash in my eye
Soon the sight  had  gone, I  quite blind
My eye,  its lids, its lashes full of blood
I had to  lie  face down upon my bed

Three months  passed then I had vision twice
The eyes  confused,  my mind seemed full of spite
Their experimental surgery  may help
Another person  back to normal health

The eye  stitched up, I thought about my thumb
Without perspective   we are quite undone

 

 

 

 

Keep on swimming

Constant rumination kills the soul
I never  think  and so I am more whole
I  write the sentence  down, just like I  speak
I find my native tongue lets symbols leak

My mind is  like a small holed metal sieve
I hope I shall be kind and will forgive
What remains is worthy of a place
As for my mistakes, I   beg your  grace

Some minds are  deep,clear streams their thoughts  like fish
Other minds are  tortured ,spin and crash
Keep on swimming like the drowning frog
He turned the milk to butter as he trod

Do not linger long on cruel thoughts
Scruples come from Satan, he’s worth naught