The words tell what we did

The symbols, signs, the words are not the world
Yet scholars confuse laymen with their terms
“How to love your children” is advice
Hiding in the  syntax  is no life

I knew Latin grammar and her forms
I dwelled inside ellipses,I was torn
I could not live two lives so I chose  rules
Then I  found success like many fools

Grammar and   its logic   cracked my mind
I stole the key,I  left the door behind
I found the prizes on my shelf arrayed
The golden prayer book  shredded  and decayed

The simple may  be better  fit to live
Those words were darts, yet love can’t but forgive



We  mix races up the hill

We don’t have hate crime here in Dent
For we ‘re reet up the dale
The road’ s that steep ,it scares the sheep
And blocks the Daily Mail.

We don’t care what race God made you
If you will sup our ale
Some can’t take the bitterness
Southerners turn pale.

If you are blonde,please don’t abscond
We like the Viking cast
We also like the thick black hair
With which owa doctor’s blessed.

We liked mixed races up the hills
And we like them down
We go to bed, and swing the lead
While the old men frown.

So some kids have big blonde curls
And some have straight black hair
Some have eyes like damson sloes
All exceeding fair.

Up here in winter it’s not fun
For all we do is knit
We can’t get down to any town
So must employ owa wit.

The evenings long ,we pass with song
Just as do the Finns
The women knit,the men all spit
Straight out into the bins.

We’re making wa first album now
It’s called the Magic Newt
We combined Handel and the blues,
Jazz and steel tipped boots.

We also like to rock and roll
And ,man,owa rocks are big
So if you come to old Dent town
Don’t try to steal owa pig.


My house is full of toilet rolls I am living in the shed
I sneezed on my tissue  then I put it in the oven and the house burned down
I was only sterilising it
Can you wash toilet paper?
I found a bar of soap so I asked for whisky with  a drop of foam
Surely biological detergents can kill Covid 19
I keep asking you, who Covid 19 is.Is he or she in MI5?
No, that is silly.Spies have to seem normal
But what is normal now?
Well,John Brown is a normal  kind  of name
Not for a woman
These days  how can anyone know who is a man?

Or a woman?
Makes being gay harder
We’ll just have to say, do whatever you want but draw the curtains
Then we’d have the light on so it  might look suspicious
Do it in the dark
You know what I mean
When I rang the hospital  a man answered.I said I want the vulvar clinic ,feeling a bit shy
Then he goes,Yerwhat?
So I shouted, the vulvar clinic
Oh the vulvar clinic?
Yes, the effing vulvar clinic
Then my friend John  said, I’ve seen you in a new light  tonight
What with  him and the vulvar clinic I’ve become  vulgar
The gynaecologist asked if  she could take some photos
So I told her to leave my face off.
Who can tell one vulva from another?
Maybe men might if they were sex addicts
My friend told me  vulva is a very rude word
I said ,what should i say?
But why is that ok? Anyway  it is not a vagina.Is that clear?
I can’t see it.It looks blurred.
Don’t be stupid, that’s my nostril
Why is it blurred?
Because you are drunk
Well, we can’t go on anymore
What, is it a divorce you need?
No, just new batteries
In my nose?
You confuse the literal and the symbolic.
Thank you, Derrida.
That’s a funny name
If it amuses you then laugh.
I am smiling
May I kiss your eye
Make sure it’s the right one
It depends on whether I am facing you or  behind
Kiss my behind, feel free.
There’s always a first time for such things
This was broadcast by  the DDT poisoning something near you today
What fools we mortals be
Speak for yourself
Ah, to be or not to be
Are you a suicide risk?
No, just a suicide with no risk
I don’t get that.
It’s  plain ,dead or alive?
I might be  somewhere in between
It reminds me of fuzzy logic
Whereas I see fuzzy things  under the bed
You need a vacuum
I’m no scientist but a vacuum under a bed seems dangerous
It seems impossible to me
You could have a vacuum flask under the bed
But why?
Anyway I taught Logic and a girl cried
Was it very hard?
No, she said. why were we not taught like this before
What did you not say?
I am a genius and schoolteachers   do not always  have maths degrees.You only need to get 38% to pass  and get 3rd class Honours
Suppose people could  pass piano tests  at that level?
They  could only play one scale.
Very boring.
It depends what emotion they convey
But how much emotion is there in C Major?
It’s happier  than C Minor
We were talking about fuzzy logic
Fuzzy  emotions are more fun
We were not created  to have fun
But I will have fun anyway!
By  imagining my husband imitating  a comic
I laugh all night.
Is that wise?
Well,  we can’t be too wise
Why not?
Why don’t we go to bed
Is that wise?
Well, we are married
Are we really? How wonderful
I see you are an optimist
And you did Greek at Oxford
You can’t do just Greek
I expect they do Hebrew too
No, it’s in Leeds
How can you do Greek  at Oxford and Hebrew in Leeds at the same time?
That’s  puzzled me for  years
Rumination is bad for you
How ludicrous.How can we  have  semimars with no chewing of the cud?
That’s also puzzled me for years
It passes the time
Near Doncaster.
That is the end
No, this is.


Cures for Covid 19

1.Soak your feet in  diluted bleach nightly at 3am and bleach any slippers you have
2.Bleach all the hair on your body, if there is any left
3 Pour bleach into your ears at 5 am
4 If you go out pour bleach  onto the soles of your shoes and inside too
5 If there is no bleach for sale try Flash or Dettol  or both
6.Stay in bed until the paandemic is over   first spraying the bed with  disinfectant
7. Do not indulge in casual sex.Wear formal clothes.Go shopping in bleached night wear
8.Wear earplugs and turn off the News.Then bleach the TV and your keyboard
9 Avoid your neighbours and yourself
10. Pray for the poor living in Tower Blocks on low incomes .
11 Christianity  and other religions are not about going to  church; they are about Compassion.
Anyway you can’t go at the moment so help your neighbours.
God can manage  without our “prayers”

God is a bit like a radio station that we don’t tune in to very much it’s easier singing along  to to Songs of Praise

How to make your perfect coffin

When I saw this in the Times,I checked back and in reality it said “coffee” not “coffin”
so we have a Freudian slip.I had a conversation with a relative last night who told me she is choosing the music foe her funeral.Trying to be humorous,I informed her I want Joan of Arc sung by Leonard Cohen and/or JenniferWarnes if I am cremated.She didn’t get my joke
.I was never that good at making jokes