In my end is my beginning

Can  I afford to light the fire?
True it’s not a coin in a slot
Just that worrying bill on the ma
I could wear a coat indoors like my mother
Now they have demolished the quiet reference library
there’s nowhere to sit and hide and keep warm.
I’ve stopped singing now
I realise I need an audience.
I  can hear a thrumming sound in my ears
And a whistling in the air,faint but obvious.
I get phone calls telling me my computer has problems
During one, I spilled a pan of hot water over myself
Then I screamed  really loudly
That seems to have deterred them…
Nobody heard me but the cat and this conman.
I was  cooking vegetables appropriate
for someone with  this auto -immune type of anaemia.
oranges too are good.
Broccoli.
You can get little packs now of florets
They have instructions on as nobody now recalls
how to do it nor how to look it up in a cookery book.
Next it will be how to boil a potato… or an egg.
People laugh and say I will have to eat raw liver
as if they enjoy the thought of my bloody face and the horror
There are 400 kinds of anaemia
Maybe it makes one feel cold…I might wear a down coat
Go to bed in my husband’s pyjamas and his hat.
That  leads to strange dreams of being an hermaphrodite
I could pretend to be  a man but  it’s not clear how one would know quite how they feel
As they don’t often know anyway!My husband was here one day but when I touched him
My hand went through him like a knife through air.
He wasn’t solid enough.
Not to hold or be held.
I suppose there may be other ways of loving  the departed
Some say they feel them in their heart,giving instructions and help.
I always liked to touch and smile.
I’ll ask him if it’s ok  to light the fire
And what way of being might suit him
but I think his path lies somewhere else.
Meanwhile I am supposed to be dating  rich and kind old men
With Mercedes[,whoever she is.. perhaps a maid.]
Well, it’s not the same now.
We’ve all grown into our shape like rocks battered by the sea
I fell off the step before putting out the rubbish
My sister hints that I  could try a white stick
But how would that help me on the step?
Anyway,my vision is perfect for the state of my eye.
It looks singularly beautiful
And singular is what it is
It shows me the world divided by a thick black line
I hardly notice it now.
I thought I saw that black shape today in the hall
Shall I die too?It’s an imp.
I feel strong as if I could kick something into play.
After that I’d fall over but it’s the kick that count
Aleph null of them I’d say…. they are discontinuous, you see.
How clever of those ancient people to develop an alphabet
While we can’t run a country
It seems  we may be getting more stupid, but keep it quiet
It’s better to sing and pla
Remember the Titanic and all who flew in her?
It’s like a film running very slowly but it is all just a film reall
I know because I saw it after a bike accident…
but don’t tell the others or they might want one too.