I’ll love three

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From Finland to the Phillipines

Egypt to Xanadu

From the North Pole to  the Netherlands,

I love only you.

That isn’t very Christian

Nor would it please the  Jew.

So  if I must be good,my dear.

Then I’ll love two.

When I get more holy

And know where the virtues be

I’ll  be  even better then

For I’ll love three.

When I get dark, old and grey

And soon will be no more

I’ll make Jesus happy,

For I shall love a score.

From Alaska to Andalucia

Berlin to Borneo

If God spares  me  much longer

I’ll love ninety four!

;

Why do people like to ask questions

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he lived on the Other Side.

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he saw the Light over there.

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because the traffic lights were on red.

Why did Socrates invent logic?

Because he had no  TV.

Why did Euclid take a bath?

Because geometry made him sweat.

Why did Plato ban the poet?

Because he had no licence.

Why did Plato like caves?

Because he was prone to sunburn.

Why is fantasy bad?

Because it’s not good for the Market economy

Why do cats laugh?

Because they can’t smile.

Why did Moses cross the desert?

Because  he’d lost his smartphone maps app

Why was Solomon so wise?

Because he mulled over his ideas daily

Why are black sheep considered bad

Because they are rare?

Why does Leonard Cohen wear a hat on stage?

Because he likes attention

Accepting that perfection is remote,

What love and friendship must at least entail

Are boundaries both elastic and firm.

Yet even that is but a mere detail

Less subtle is the need to do .no harm

For in the flush of youthful spirits strong

We do not like to know that all love fades

For when it does we lovers may do wrong

To wickedness we may find we’ve paid

And with the stone faced demons we belong.

Thus friendship love and joy involve the will

To take the other as she comes to be

For such allowing there’s a constant bill

Acknowledging such truth we’ll  surely see.

Accepting that perfection is remote,

We’ll play our tunes and suffer every note

Beware of a PC magazine just out with a free disc containing IOLO software

#HoneysuckleSome people maY recall that I wrote about  this company and how they caused me a  lot of trouble.

DO NOT USE THIS DISC OR ANY OTHER FROM THEM

I found that although I discovered they are a scam  and got my money back in 2013 I found they were taking more moneyin 2014 although I would not have signed up.My credit card company refused me the right to not pay so I contacted IOLO and with a bit of arguing they took my name off.

What hey do is run a free scan which finds a hundred things wrong and then they sell you the stuff to deal with it

I GOT SEVERE BRONCHITIS  AND HAD TO GET A NEW HARD DRIVE ON MY COMPUTER

There are sad stories of poor elderly people being cheated .. look on the net

.BUT WHY IS A COMPUTER MAGAZINE GIVING OUT THIS DISC?

DO NOT TRUST THOSE MAGAZINES… OR THEIR REVIEWS UNLESS SEVERAL  GIVE THE SAME RECOMCMENDATION AND EVEN THEN BEWARE FREE OFFERS OF ANYTHING ON YOUR COMPUTER

A few thoughts from a chaotic householder

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A  maturer man or woman may  liks aural sex ;apparently it’s the aroma of earwax that evokes desire… it’s true!.. Basically you just whisper sweet nothings into their ear or in some cases you could try Newton’s Laws of E-motion on the scientific or the plain daft.This form of loving your neighbor is particularly good for the old as the ear does not need to move unless you are dancing together.

So much for Good Louse Keeping..This old magazine for ladies has closed down as there are not enough lice to keep it so afloat,if you see what I mean,which I don’t as yet

For more advice on love,fashion and relationships try thinking,,yes THINKING.. These mags all written  by people like us so cut the fashion pundits  out and do it yourself.I did and the neighbors are always admiring me me.It’s perhaps because I wear a coral coat,turquoise jeans and  black patent shoes with red laces.Underneath I wear thermal underwear and my late husband’s   vests I found five brand new ones in pure white interlock.= in his chest  of drawers.I must have bought them

All I need now is someone to drink his whiskey.. that could be Alfred my new cat although to be frank Alfred may be a lady as I am too shy to look down there.Maybe the gardener will drink the whiskey and then cut the hedges down

Yes,my husband was very wicked.He died without even opening his new bottle of whiskey and  I prefer brandy.I think he was very thoughtless to waste the money on drink and not to actually drink it.After all you would not pay a sex worker and then die,would you?On second thoughts,it’s possible a man might die in such a case.Do not experiment as  it is very dangerous.Give the money to the poor instead. or buy your partner some flowers and go home and kiss her dear face or his rugged one etc

Yes,I find I am poor as “cheap cameras” at £500 are beyond my budget so instead  I just look at things with my eyes.You just won’t believe what I’ve seen.. the untidiest house in the UK.I am sitting in it right now and it is worse than ever  and with all the spilled tea and coffee  the carpet looks really fed up.With me.Shall I hire a steamer or go  on a cruise missile  as it  were… it’s all nonsense I am afraid and now I speak and write as if I have learned English as a foreign language.

Cats praying
Cats praying

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Desiring all

We each are  like a shell upon the shore,
tossed up by squally,salty,shivering sea
.To shrink inside is safe,yet we want more,
To make,to love,to see,at last to be.

A shell, though tough, is made to open out;
To give the living core its chance to grow
.Towards the new we each must shed our doubt.
Every myth and story say it’s so.
Impregnable,that home had seemed to be
A tiny creature growing in its heart
Yet thrown by winds across the rolling sea
The slender cage must open  and we part.
Protection can be prison to the soul.
So we  leave our  outgrown shells, desiring all

A list

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Love  you all

Appalled
In the park
Remark
Look
A book
Tact
In fact
Rolling Thistles
Howls and whistles
Numinous
Humorous
Voluminous
Labyrinthian
My relations
Migrations
No pleasin’ ’em

Like men
Never again
Squeezing ’em
The Glossy Ones-
The Flossy Ones
Philharmonia
New harmonia
Pneumonia
Wrestle only with men.Again
Angels exempt.
So he dreamt
Tremble only when?
Amen
Arrythmia
Dysthmia
As  prim as he.is with you
Limbs run free
Pleats
Fill ’em in
Drill and bin
Non Brawling Thistles
He grows
Neighbours
The Remains
The Fast trains
Delete her
Pleat the heater
Neater
Done
Fun
A verb
Parse a sentence on him
Lewd when viewed
Very rude
Devaluation
No Fears while your relations are on.
Dissertations
Misinterpretations
Theses
In pieces
Martin Who There?

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 don’t deny ,damning drugs does damage downwind,dear,despite dealing with it  when drunk

evidence and experience entwine and enthrall  eerily in the educational experiment in East End and elsewhere.

fortunes foretold frequently ferment  the fundamental frizzling  frictions of friends too familiar for freedom or folly

gerontology gigs :grandpa’s  groaning and green grave gaped at god-idolisers going out  to grass

haematological  harassment has harmed the hospital hawfully so they haver haughtily and let that be the hend of it

infiltration in the interior is indeed intriguing if not impressively intense and interpreted injections of ill humour imbibe in bed and in bottles

jesuitical jousting jars the jauntless and jawdroppers and the jolly jews ,even jesus himself jeers at the jumped up jewelled jaguars

logic leaning lefties leave a legacy of lassitude and longing long-term for labour luddites

meaningful mysterious and mad:my memoirs made mercifully minute and miniscule yet momentous

nominally. names  never  need numbers for  numerous narcissistic needs and norms to be  on the net

outrageous odium often overestimates  our omnipotent  orderings of ownership over our own oughts

perfidious proud and parsimonious: phillipa the peace-loving princes of paris and her perils, pearls, perfume and pending paper tigers

quarantine ,quakes and quivers  in the quorum  and are quotidian queerly; we question all

romantic revelations rolled round wrecklessly in their  romping room ,revealing ruth wrapped in their red rug

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yearnings  of the young  yield to years of yardwork and yacking or yawning and yowling

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Stan’s briefcase

1 september and late August 2011 069Stan was   in the dining room looking for an aged briefcase  with his autobiography in it while Emile sat on an old TV set in the window.looking at birds.Mary was in the garden  wearing an ancient  yet trendy  denim dress planting some trailing rosemary,lavender and sage in a small bed near the French window..She had decided that her salvation lay in the soil though what form it would take was not yet clear ;suddenly she heard a harsh cry.It was her neighbor telling off his dog,Emmanuel.Come,now ,he shouted.

Hail,Mary,he called.Can you spare a  big  potato?

Probably,she muttered peevishly without looking up.

I am making sausage boulangere, he  informed her.But I  use turkey sausages as I am a Jewish Hindu.semi vegetarian.

i am not interested in religion,she told him kindly.I believe one can worship God ,if there is  one, somewhere like a wood.

Dr Caskett

I like being on a group ,he told her thoughtlessly..

Well ,go and be in one she saidt naughtily.Do you like sex in a group?I am a mathematician and we  study rings and groups but only in symbols as maths is like life with all the sensuality removed,if you catch my meaning,she ended artlessly.

Stan appeared at the door.I have just made the tea ,.he called.Hi Brian, how are you?i  Why are you wearing a dress today?Are you changing gender?

No,said Brian,I am a mere transvestite especially in the summer.You should try on a dress,they are more comfy in the heat!

???????

Well,maybe I will said Stan with sang froid.But it makes more ironing…

They all sat down at the kitchen table and ate some delicious scones  San had just baked and also  they drank PG tips tea with milk and sugar as that is what the English  most like to do apart from getting drunk.

Where is that lady Annie who lives next to you,asked Brian pensively..I like her bright clothes and her vivid lipstick.Is she single,he enquired  in a faux naive manner.

Well, perhaps but she is my mistress, said Stan defensively.

Aha,aha,laughed Brian as he eyed the shrunken old man.

Now then,said Mary,leave him alone.He is like a magnet,women flock to him..

Now don’t exaggerate,Stan said shyly.I’ve not had that many.

I see said Brian.I’d love to hear more….. you’ll have to come to the pub and tell me the details.

Not flamin’ likely,thought Stan. ,as he examined his  cracked leather briefcase with real brass buckles,backstraps and front  pocket, a bargain at £3and ten shillings in 1949.Hurry as not many are left.

All of a sudden ,he fell off his chair which broke into fragments..Brian was awed.I’ve never seen a chair break up like that he cried.

Well,ring 999 said Mary, a paramedic can fix it

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A robin in the house

Today I installed Windows 10 and it went fine.Yesterday a robin came inside my home.It was flying round the sitting room.Eventually I opened the French window and shut the door to the hall and it had gone when I went back in.After a while I decided to eat and went to the kitchen… and there it was trying to fly out through the glass.At this I lost my cool and addressed it thus

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You flaming idiot… which I have never said before.So you can see  my morals are deteriorating.OK it may not speak English but that was not nice.However it then left via the door and has not been back.I wonder why it came in?

Anyway,how is your nose?

When I am down I like a little Bark.

What about my shoe,Bert?

I know it’s a stiletto , but murder doesn’t cure depression.

Nothing lasts…except the ten minutes before the doctor begins the 22 injections into your face.

You know I hate the way   they talk,You are going to smell the smell of human flesh burning.

It’s what we call schizoid.If they said, your own flesh burning then you’d be shouting,  and bawling.And they can’t handle that.

They are only trying to help you

That’s what Hitler said to Freud

And what did Freud say?

i prefer a cigar,myself.

I didn’t know you smoked

It’s  the new oven.

What’s the make?

Belsen,I think.

You sure?

Or Schwitz they said.

I think that’s disgusting.

Well you have to leave it all behind you.

it’s still bloody disgusting.

I agree,we are going all electric soon… starting with the chairs.

You are barking.

Or Digging ’em.

Don’t get the spade out,We’ve buried enough.

All you need is love……. it’s just the bloody hate that lurks about…..Oh,my God

Oh,Stan is feeling happy.

Oh,Stan is feeling happy.
His wife has gone away.
She’s gone out to Australia
She won’t be home till May.

Oh,Stan has got a mistress,
She lives next door to him.
She is very curvy.
She won’t go to the gym!

Her first name it is Sukie
She loves Stan and his cat.
She wears far too much makeup.
Her cheeks are very fat.

She wears bright coloured stockings.
Her handbag’s apple green.
She wears a dark red jacket,
In case she meets the Queen.

Stan loves Sukie dearly.
He loves his wife as well.
What will be the outcome?
I’m damned if I can tell.

They’ve been in this threesome
For twenty seven years;
Even though Stan’s mother
Said it would end in tears.

Mary is Stan’s wife
They only had one child.
Her name is little Lyra.
and she is very wild.

She looks quite like a tiger
Her eyes are very sharp.
But Lyra’s a musician.
She plays an Irish harp.

Stan wanted more children
But Mary went off sex.
She never let him love her
Except via a text.

She called him her sweet baby.
She called him “little lamb”.
Stan gets very angry.
For Stanley is a man.

He wants to join with Mary
Like couples usually do.
He wants to unite with her
But she always has the flu.

Now she’s giving lectures
In the southern hemisphere.
So Stan makes love to Sukie
And swigs ten pints of beer.

The cat Emile is watching.
He keeps a daily log.
Stan has bedded Sukie
Right there on the rug.

He’d vacuumed it that morning
To Emile’s great surprise.
The antics they performed on it
Have opened Emile’s eyes.

Now they’re in the kitchen
To microwave a meal.
Then Stan says to Sukie
“I like the way you feel. 

Just call me mean

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Some folk have us running to the dictionary and others have us rushing to the bathroom.

Some folk smile  like wolves about to eat us and others smile like we’ve made their day.

Some folk talk without thinking  and others think but never talk.Let’s split the difference.

Some folk idealise us and hate that we are not what they thought,other folk see us as we are and love us anyway.Guess which are happy!

Some folk learn several languages and are dumb in all of them and others know just a few  hundred words and are eloquent beyond measure.

Some folk are  raised cruelly and spread  the poison around, others suffer but use it to grow instead of becoming embittered.

As you all know I am perfect,except when on the computer.Then I hope to be as average as the rest.

TWO SIDES TO A FACE

This is so true

keithgarrettpoetry

Which side is my good side I have been asked at times,

I don’t understand your question as your face seems as one.

There are those whom as they speak are thinking something else,

They look at you with eyes caring not what’s in their sight.

A smile so bright but when they turn and walk away, roll their eyes,

So glad to see you, the dirty words flow from their mouths.

Two sides to a face, not so shocking anymore, we know who they are,

They’re all around us, family, friends, and the neighbor next door.

Keith Garrett

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