Titles of online articles I have seen today [I have not read the articles]

Why your vagina shrinks at  menopause and what you can do  about it [Don’t ask ]

How to handle things.[what sort o?}

Why  or how your finger length  reveals your gender [Surely easier just to look at the bosom/ chest?}

Which microwave to buy [Making  unstated assumptions;some of us either have none or may have stolen one]

Why you need both metal and silicon whisks [I thought it was breasts just for a moment; now there’s an idea]

Why you need to keep  lots of frozen pasta in your kitchen [Try turning off the radiator first and checking the ovens]

Which  six cookery books are the best? [Look up restaurants on your smartphone  instead] I wonder how many this person has checked.I find ones written for catering colleges are better and cheaper.

Why you should never take  a bath [I find a handbag is quite sufficient].

How to  entertain at home. [Fall out of bed?]

How to keep your husband happy [Freeze him?]

Why you should never forget your wedding anniversary [Am I married?]

How to have the best number of children[ Yes, it’s all under our total control]

How to keep your teeth  super clean [Stop eating and die?]

Are you bored of sex? [No,I’m bored of London]

How to cure loneliness. [Buy a microwave and some cookery books]

How to get your bounce back [Buy a dunlopillo mattress?]

Should you take vitamins? [Where to?]

Sonnets for all

  1. A sonnet is a poetic form which originated in Italy; Giacomo Da Lentini is credited with its invention. The term sonnet is derived from the Italian word sonetto (from Old Provençal sonet a little poem, from son song, from Latin sonus a sound).Wikipedia

You must read

When you are writing you will be using whatever you have stocked your mind with.So reading poetry and fiction and other writing is crucial.and of course your life and what has happened to you or your society will be present in your writing..I find keeping a l journal of things which make an emotional impact on me is helpful.Read what you like but not rubbish.Please.

Starting with the sonnet form

The first line of Gray’s Elegy has the right meter.for a sonnet.

“The curfew tolls the knell of parting day.”

So you must write a line to that music:

The clouds rise up and race across the sky

for example; then you need a second line.I find these two lines must be interesting.emotional ,deep or symbolic .After that the structure determines to some extent how you can develop your poem…Fourteen lines according to the pattern below.

ABAB CDCD EFEF GG

Sonnets are usually serious but it is possible to write a humorous one.Historically it was the metaphysical poets who wrote this way about love and death…John Donne is one of them..He wrote the famous poem

No man is an island

/Brightness
Brightness

Eve's temptation

Sonnet on writing a poem

Poetry is the art of shaping words

The structure contributes to make the whole.

And writing sonnets is not just for us nerds.

Creating structures helps to create our souls.

Yet many folk are frightened by the risk

Of imperfection,criticism and pain.

But for myself, I love this frightening task.

so gaily I sit down to write again.

Though what I write may not be alpha plus.

The chance to share my feelings lures me on.

And when I travel on a London bus

I write a note before my thoughts are gone

We each can be creative in  some way

And find  our happiness. from being gay

It was not sin that brought death and its sighs,

The summertime evaporates like mist

Revealing  golden leaves albeit but few.

No longer by bright flowers are our eyes kissed.

No longer do leaf buds appear anew.

Some changes in our lives are like this too.

We do not see  the moment as life turns

We think we still ascend with growth anew

And wisdom ,sense and vision are all spurned.

It is not for our sins that we must die.

For life and death are  two sides of a whole.

It was not  sin that brought death and its sighs,

This is a myth to keep priests in control.

Changes are invisible at first.

Let’s not act as if we are accursed.

How to attempt to keep house without panicking

10403606_483675265105690_2060981220485141876_n 10712907_483677188438831_449934974875129366_nI don’t think  that women have genes for cleaning but it’s obvious to children that women tend to do housework more than men so girls get roped in or just watch more.

1.Get a plastic bucket or a tray or some other such thing and walk around each room collecting things which do no live there… assuming nobody else will do it.Then try to put them where they should be like  a bowl of hot water.Or a cupboard.Failing that keep them into a plastic laundry basket  or similar

2.Wash up.Now and then wash the sink with a suitable cleaner and the other appurtenances.Wash cloths  or use disposable ones.

3 Go into each bedroom, unless it’s an able bodied adult’s and sort through clothes etc… hang up or put in laundry basket.Train older children to do this.

3 Put clothes into Washing Machine.Examine labels for temperature.If you are  ucky you may have a machine with a Handwash programme.Use the right detergent… look it up!

4 Now and then it is wise to change your sheets etc as well as towels and other such items.These usually need a hotter wash to kill germs.Hang them outside if possible.You can buy large folding  clothes airers if you have no washing line.

5.Wash  or wipe the table[s].Polish if you like to…Wash the kitchen surfaces as often as you can manage especially if you cut  bread or bake.

6 Vacuum or sweep the floors.But dust first if you dust.Or wipe shelves with a damp cloth.

7.Wash  floors with a mop when appropriate…often if there are many people around.

5 Ironing kills germs.If you can afford it pay somebody else to do it if you are older or fragile.

6 Put away clean clothes,sheets etc. as soon as you can.. in my case it’s usually weeks!

7. Every hour or so make a cup of tea and sit down.Remember  some women do  all this  cleaning and tidying up for years and men often never notice until their wife is ill.Think.. it’s all possible if you think.

8 All that remains is to decide what to eat and to cook it and then wash up.This needs planning ahead  and shopping but keep a few emergency rations like  eggs,baked beans,cold meat etc.Remember fuit and veg…. even if you are alone.Maybe take a multivitamin and fish oil… good for heart and brain.

11046476_534487113357838_7055969374284785044_n

See it’s easy really…!

And it keeps you slim [ for a while]

Real life?

I once had a boyfriend from Diss
Who was too  backward to give me a kiss.
He gazed with round eyes,
When I told him lies
Which rather depleted my bliss.

I never tell lies to my lovers
Or are they just  birds undercover?
I never succumb
Which makes all feel glum,…
But love is not worth all the bother.

I prefer conversation to sex
And I far  prefer money to cheques.
We all have our view
On what we should do.
I even prefer real life to texts

What to do with over-large clothes:glue them on

I find I have got a little smaller.But I don’t want to buy new clothes.I have come up with some ideas for trousers that are too big

1.Give away

2/Save them till winter when you can wear them over some leggings or wool tights.Of course that may  make us look fatter!

3 Wear them in freezing weather over another pair of trousers and start a new trend.We had a two shirt fashion once so why not two pairs of  trousers?But don’t do  this unless they are soft as it will hurt you

4. Look on you tube to see ways of taking in the waist.

5 Have them altered but if that is very expensive it  may not be worth it.

6.Gain weight!

7 Give them away. Ths is maybe better than saving them in case you get larger.

8 If they have belt loops you can cinch them in

9. Wear them at home only ,in case they fall off.

10.Glue them on

The creaks of loving:Stan gets a surprise

 Cracks in the pavement 3

A surprise

Stan and Annie have been having such a lovely time since Mary went off.Stan has quite given up his addiction to microfibre cloths and polishing the windows.He and Annie can now make love at night and go out for trips in the day time.
Emile’s diary is getting quite full although he is worried he may bebanned from sleeping on the foot of the bed soon as he may be in their way.How will he know what they get up to?
Luckily there is a gap at the bottom of the door so he should be able to see them in the mirror opposite the bed.They usually light the bedside lamp so as to see into each other’s eyes.
~Annie is a very bold,confident woman.Despite being rather plumper than is medically advised she loves her body and lives happily in it now she has true love.
One morning Stan goes down to make some tea whilst
Annie comes to.
“Stan,come here quickly!”
“What’s wrong,my little lamb chop?”
“I feel sick!”
“Was it those old sausages we ate up last night?”
“No,it’s a different sort of sick!”
“You don’t mean………..?”
“Yes,Stan,I’m afraid a miracle has happened!”
“But you are 55 and I’m 90.Surely we can’t have a baby!”
“Well,the ways of God are strange.” she murmured.
“I don’t want to bring God into it.” he riposted.
“Are you not pleased we are still fertile?” she asked
him humorously.
“Well,in the abstract I might be but in the concrete it
could be awkward.” he said furtively
“What do you mean?”
“Well,Mary will be coming back in a couple of months,you
know”
“We don’t have to tell her you are the father.I could
pretend it was the new Vicar at St Andrew’s”
“But he’s gay!”
“Not many men are able to resist my charms and skills.”
“I can believe that,”Stan answered lubriciously.
“But will you have to seduce him soon before he notices
you are pregnant>”
“I wasn’t thinking of actually going to bed with
him,”said Annie with a smile.
“Oh,dear.I was looking forward to that,”Emile murmured
under his breath.
“That would have made my diary into a best seller.”
“Gay vicar seduces middle aged harlot who is now
expecting.”
It sounds a bit like the old Bible stories except they
had no vicars in those days.But miracles like older
women bearing children did happen so…who knows?
Stan and Annie got dressed and went into the kitchen.
They were both looking confused.
“You don’t want an abortion do you?” he enquired
tenderly.
“No way.” she replied softly.
I love you so much,I could not wish for more than to
“In that case,I’ll tell Mary.She is a very wise woman in
many ways,though a bit lacking in the earthjer side of
life.She has not slept with me for thirty years or
more.”
“Perhaps she thought you were too old?” said Annie.
“No,she never enjoyed it.She just put up with it as she
wanted a baby.”
“Maybe you did not turn her on!”
“I did my best,but she preferred reading Proust and
“I wonder of she has Asperger’s syndrome?”
“Well,they do find social life trying but I suppose she
can’t blame you for loving another?”
“No,she’s very broadminded.I’ll suggest we all move in
together.I’ll divorce her but she can have the big
bedroom and we’ll have the guest room with the en
suite.”
“I think this will be fun.”
“Well,not all of it but it will be intriguing,”
“So no need to seduce the Vicar,then?”
“We’ll leave him out of it.He might fall in love with
you and then what would happen?”
God only knows,”She answered humorously as she went
into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
Read more about this next week or it may be too late!

Having to collect mail with underpaid postage; it is from a Charity.

bike by pub 4

On Monday I got a card through the door saying someone had underpaid postage so their letter was not delivered.I  managed to get down to the sorting office today.It was from Friends of the Earth.So I refused to pay £1.54 to take it.

I just rang FoE and they said it was a letter asking me to increase my monthly donation.I decided to cancel my donation as it’s the only way to stop this recurring.I  am weeding out a few of these donations as I will probably have less money in the future or even this month!

I shall continue ones like Medecin sans Frontiers

Do not give money to an appeal asking you to text a certain number because when I did this they phoned and demanded a monthly amount.The man was extremely skilful.This is really a serious problem for people especially older ones.

I have also got cunning schemes from supposed insurance companies on my mobile now…

What to wear: unillustrated

By a strange chance  or error I found myself on the Telegraph website fashion page.They were recommending some expensive sandals.I shall tell you how to make them yourself.

1.Take a  pair of old shoes with leather soles and separate the upper and the sole.

2.Glue a piece of string 3 inches long. to the centre back of the heel.

3,You need 2  rolls of elastoplast ,one an inch wide and one 3 inches wide

4.Put your foot on the sole and pull the string up the back of your heel.Fasten it to your leg by using a piece of the wide elastoplast.

5.Fasten the front part of the sole to your foot using narrow elastoplast.

You now have  a sandal almost identical to the one being offered as suitable for this summer for the woman who needs the latest fashion.

My advice is once you have made 2 of these and stuck them to your feet that you can leave them there until the elastoplast wears out.Do not take them off in bed or in the shower.That might mean you can’t wash your feet but it’s nearly autumn now so the rain might keep you clean.On the other hand it might loosen the elastoplast and you’d be left with two soles and no heart.Then what would you do?

And they call us liberated!