How to save money on St. Valentine’s Day without completely abolishing it.

1. Unlike the Independent newspaper I think we should take a human lover or let the cat sleep on our bed. Then you won’t use any electricity. And you won’t need to put the electric blanket on then so you’re saving even more money.

2 Join a celibate religious order at least for a time

3. Do you know an old person that is living alone that you get on with? Why not to take some food round to their house if they give their consent. What about in m&s Indian meal for 2? If they prefer British food just take some chicken curry,frozen chips and if you have a cool bag you could add Marsbar icecreams. Possibly a tin of carnation milk will come in useful. Don’t ask me why except we used to have it on Sundays. Spend some money but you don’t need to buy an expensive present to give them unless you think you may become lovers.

4. Take a sleeping tablet and go to bed after reading something mildly erotic because if you’re old like me you have to consider the possibility of a heart attack just from reading a book obviously I can’t test it out.

But if you don’t hear from me for more than 2 weeks ring 999. A woman in Surrey with schizophrenia has just been found after dying 3 years ago in her own flat. Her benefits had been removed. I don’t think there was any food in her flat and that can happen when people are depressed or confused. Or when they have no money obviously. It’s terrible to think of someone with mental illness starving to death although she may have had some underlying illnesses as well that’s all alone with no one even imagining it.

We are too aloof in Britain.

5. If your GP refuses to give you a sleeping tablet and or Viagra I think you should complain to NHS England. Because if you can’t sleep what else are you supposed to do?

6. If you can afford to put your heating on high or you decided that your house needs to be burnt down you can put a swimsuit on first and pretend it’s summer for a short time. Then turn the the heating off and go to bed with hot water bottles and a cat or if your burn the house down you will probably spend a night in prison and it’s very likely that they will have heating on. Act peculiarly and utter streams of unrelated words they will send you to A& E if they can find any in your area. On second thoughts at normally and tell them you got bad eyesight and you didn’t realise that what you were holding was a box of matches. And some empty sugar bears and a bottle of castor oil. That’s what we use for making chips isn’t it?

7. If you can’t find any one of the opposite sex to share your bed or vice versa you’d better start going to night classes or alternatively enter an industry where they have night shifts then you can go to sleep all day and you will never see anybody else at all ever except the person who delivers your groceries. That will save a lot of money but it will shorten your life appreciably . After you die your pension will stop if you are over 65. 66 or 67 depends on what the government does. Already the official of the working classes die on average 10 years earlier than the middle and upper classes. Many of them only have one or two years of retirement.

8 so if you are worried that you won’t get very much of her life after you are retired spend all your savings on things like interesting holidays, visiting nature reserves and watching birds, visit holiday camps and bender time watching the opposite sex/same-sex/non-binary people. Give them marks out of 10 for their clothes. We used to go to southwold harbour and sit on a wall and pass judgements on the people we saw. Remember that listen wearing cargo pants in dull colours and none the fitting tops or jackets also in invisible colours is the height of fashion according to the Guardian anyway.

Apparently wide jeans are now the fashion and they will be more expensive because there’s more fabric in them. What a horrible thought

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