Sins of humour

My Irish accent was so bad it perforated UIster
I asked for Chicken Kerry not a Dead Duck
Do we really need Cork with everything?
I have Celtic feet not sweltering heat
I said,Donegal, not, don’t call
I said Castlebar not how far
I want a trim to my hair,Antrim I spy
I said Dublin, not “love in”
I said we went to Howth not I swore an oath
I said Nelson’s column not “hell is coming”
Where is County Teeth and why not Meath?
That’s a relief from belief
I like Tralee but does it like me?
Why is the Spanish lady Irish

I have to draw blood in the art class.

I have painted myself into a corner. Bloody hell.

Did you say draw your own blood or draw with your own blood?

I thought they didn’t teach drawing anymore. Obviously the doctor wants some

No to mysticism

I had the opposite of a mystical experience.

Like the ancient mystics I spent a great deal of time alone because I was grieving for someone who felt they could no longer live

I felt cut off from human beings and I probably was giving off a message keep away from me I’m in pain.

One night I was all alone in my bed sitter feeling absolutely dreadful I know I did see something unusual although it was not embodied I knew that it could communicate with me and it gave me a message: go back into society and do your work.

It did not say meditate everyday in silence was a good idea I think that if god or something wholly other wants to communicate with us they will sometimes but I’ve never experienced anything like that before and it did not tell me to pray or do anything at all except go back into society

Since then I realise it although I like to spend some time alone every day we are participants in society if we are fortunate enough to have friends or family or partners neighbours people we meet at the bus stop the bus drivers the supermarket staff. Even cats or dogs. Is there is an afterlife then we may very well meet God until then we have to live in human society. Has been quite difficult for the last 3 years and had a very bad effect being cut off from our usual contacts but even writing to people or phoning them can be very good

Why people enter the monastery or spent their life walled into a cell by the side of the Cathedral I don’t know could it be that they were shy? It is better than earning a living for some people

Keep doing it and strengthen your ego

Even if your poetry is not good compared to what the great writers have done it is still very useful to write it because it will make you much more involved when you read a poem when you have  written some  yourself. The same thing is true of art and I’m saying that while looking at a painting I did last week. If you can go to some drawing classes will be a big help and also it stops you from giving up if you’re in the tasa 2-hours you can’t just go home so you keep trying and eventually you find you couldn’t draw something a bit better. I had not realised consciously about Shadows being important and I think that’s why I didn’t like the thing is I had drawn or painted earlier.

When you look at some of the paintings of the great artist it may seem presumptuous 2 to compare yourself to them but it it helps you because you’re wondering how they it also it’s not about reproducing what you think you see in front of you it’s about looking at it with different eyes you laugh and we think we see something certainly yes that’s a pottery with a lampshade over it

But it’s not about thinking it’s about seeing and feeling especially about space and I like that because I like to draw two or three things together and I can feel the pull of one thing on another so it’s the space between them that’s important and it can arouse deep feelings and it might be frightening.

Real life is not about thinking it’s about experiencing and feelings and then possibly thinking.

Of course you do you have to think a lot in real life.

If you say that you will do something but the next day you waking up feeling very low spirits and I’m not going to do it it’s a good idea to say to yourself

I have said I will do this thing and I don’t feel like it at the moment I’m not going to break my promise and I will do it as well as I can 

. In psycho analytic terms doing this will strengthen your ego.

Mary has a massage

Mary was feeling very tense; her back was aching.

Oh dear she moaned to her cat Emile. what a pity I can’t go to the beauty salon for a massage. I feel like it would do me so much good
Her little cat was very worried.
What can we do ?
I have got a bright idea ,said Mary. you can massage my back
I don’t think that my paws are  big enough
I know what to do Mary cried. If I lie on the bed with my back bare you can put some hand cream on your paws. then you can walk up and down my spine.
Off course you will have to wash your paws first.

Art by author

 I have got a better idea as a cat. I will go out and get Smokey who is in the shed and Dusty he lives up the road and all the three of us can walk up and down your back

 I suppose that since I am the biggest one I will walk in the middle and they can walk on either side of me

 Emile left to collect his friends while Mary got a shallow dish of warm water and a towel so that the cats could wash their paws after they came through the cat flap from the garden

  She carried a large tub of moisturising cream upstairs and lay down on the bed with nothing on but her skirt and some stiletto heels plus a scarf and hat in merino woo;

 Suddenly she heard a loud voice.

 Where are you Mary she heard this very loud cry
Go away,Annie said Emile, go away mother is having a sleep

Ok I’ll come back at 5  oclock. she heard the kitchen door close and a few minutes later in  ran the three cats ready to help her

My goodness what would Annie have  thought if she  had seen Mary lying on the bed?
Mary put some cream from the moisturiser tub on to a plate so that the cats could get their feet covered
She lay face down on the bed  and she felt the soft pads of their feet on her back
Lovely she cried

 Emile mewed, Now keep parallel to me and press your feet down firmly as you walk. The three cats walk slowly up her back until they reached her shoulders
Now do do a 180-degree turn and slowly very slowly tread down Mary’s back until you come to her waist
All of the cats kept well in line firmly but gently down there is aching bad
 Do it again Mary  called

Smokey  and Dusty  were surprised  but Emile was used to the strange ways of human beings especially Mary and Annie who has been very distressed when poor dear Stan had been taken away from them
This is how grief affects some people They do the most odd things. but in another sense it seems a very sensible thing to do;it certainly helped Mary’s back
When she told them that she was feeling better they stood up on their hind legs and with paws touching they dancted around in a little circle on her back while Mary sang

 Here We Go Gathering nuts in May

 Unfortunately there was nobody there to take their photograph  but if you have someone might be able to arrange for something like this for yourself

 Otherwise tie a soft cloth on the end of a brush and and rub your back with this.

 Do  make sure that no one can see you through the window because you would have to take your clothes off

 You might live in a nudist colony  and then it will be alright 
I think I’m going to do it myself after I have a cup of tea. I will  put my raincoat on and go outside to see if I can find any cats roaming around at dusk
I do have a black cat that sleeps on the landing on the hot water pipe but unfortunately he doesn’t speak English
And nor do all of us

Rosa buys some new clothes

Rosa was looking in a very interesting clothes shop online.Here she saw an outfit totally

unsuited to her new post as Head of Linguistics in the University of Unisex.
There her eye was drawn to a pair of blue trousers with a red stripe down each leg.The trousers were somewhat shorter than in the days of that pair of women, Trinny and Susanna who told all of us how to dress.Especially to wear trousers that cleaned the pavement as we walked along as it made our legs look longer

Rosa met her friend Mary for coffee.
What do you think of these trousers, Mary? she asked, showing them to the bewildered lady on her HP Phablet.
I don’t think Stan would have liked those, she murmured.
I see some advantages, Rosa said.
If you have nice ankles then it reveals them and if not, you can wear really fun socks with butterflies on them.
Real butterflies? Mary queried anxiously
No, embroidered or knitted, Rosa said.You see them in those catalogues that come round before Xmas
Or you could knit your own, said Mary.

I think knitting butterflies is very hard, Rosa whispered.
Nothing is innately hard, said Mary.It all depends on what you already know and if you have a good teacher and your devotion
How does Quantum theory compare to knitting butterflies? Rosa enquired jocosely.
That makes it sound as if you will knit with actual butterflies or that butterflies themselves might knit! Mary exclaimed.
That would be a thing you might see on LSD
Is that the latest kind of TV set, Rosa asked her?
For goodness sake, Rosa.Have you never taken drugs?
I don’t believe I have.You see at Oxford I was friendly with an ex-heroin addict.
He told me not to buy drugs because I saw things like other people do when they take heroin.But I see like that naturally!
Well, that is fortunate for you, Mary sighed.Was it true?
There is no way of knowing, said Rosa scientifically but it saves money.
Well ,how about these trousers?I could get some red ankle boots and a red shirt.Noone wears dresses anymore except maybe transsexuals.
I wear them,Mary said.When I was thin I wore a knitted dress.
Not knitted by butterflies I hope,Rosa giggled
Well, it was from M & S so I doubt it although it would be cheaper to use them as butterflies don’t know what money is!
Nor do many human beings now.Why, plastic £5 notes…. it’s like toy money
And so say all of us

Mary crosses the road,alas.

Dotty cats
Mary had spotted her 98 year old frail yet virile husband Stan; he was across the main road talking to a young blonde and beauteous woman with a pink briefcase and a set square
Mary ran over the road in front of all the traffic as she was terrified of Stan getting another mistress on top of Annie
Hi,I am Mary, she said boldly yet a trifle nervously as well.
I am called Sabrina. I’m a mathematician too, like you, over for a year from Babylon and Babel University USA
Why,hello,Sabrina.Stan loves clever women and any other sort,artists,cooks,teachers,… and in your case,you also have great beauty,she said indiscreetly.
Hi Mary,Stan told me you were out buying some vaseline in the pharmacy down the other end of the town.He invited me to coffee.
Oh,damn,I must have had a senior moment.It was that Jazz Band that distracted me.I forgot about the Vaseline..
Come on,ladiesno arguing,said Stan as he led them into a brand new coffee shop staffed by delightful smiling Turkish people.He ordered three cappuccinos plus some milk for Emile who was in his backpack with his head sticking out snoozing and dreaming of seeing the Queen in her Palace.
They all sat down by the windows and gazed at the folk passing by in some rather unusual clothing.Emile was sad there were no other cats around but hippies there were a plenty.Has 70’s fashion come back?
Sabrina was wearing a short pink velvet dress on her curvaceous body and green high heeled shoes on her feet and nothing on her legs as it was summer.Even so she was a bit smarter than everyone else.
Don’t you find wearing velvet is to warm in the summer ?,asked Mary.She was wearing a long teal cotton dress and some open toed purple plastic sandals from Italy.
Well,it’s cotton velvet,Sabrina told her.Most in the shops is made from polyester now.I made this myself.I enjoy sewing my own clothes and darning moth holes.Viscose is good too.It drapes well.
I have never took to sewing,Mary told her nervously.I was afraid of the electric sewing machine at school and my mother was very impatient with me.She seemed to think sewing came naturally to females. Still,it’s probably cheaper nowadays to buy your clothes ready made.But choice is lacking for older stout women like me,she continued .I like wool coats as padded ones make me sweat especially in the shops.And,it’s my face which sweats.I can’t put antiperspirant there…
No,it is likely to give you a rash and anyway the body needs to sweat to get rid of toxins,Sabrina informed her scientifically as if Mary had no wits.
I don’t mind sweating lower down, like on my legs or feet,Mary said.
But it’s embarrassing giving a lecture on why e is an algebraic number with rivulets of water running down my face washing off my foundation cream and powder..though do the students notice? And anyway the students don’t seem to care really about these amazing numbers.
Yes,that is a real problem,Sabrina said wisely.I never knew anyone still wore powder.I like creme de mousse foundation myself.It seems to stick ok.As for the students,maybe they just don’t let on that they care.
Meanwhile Stan sat and gazed pensively at Emile……..he rolled his eyes and Emile smiled in his cat manner; that is,he grinned.
I came here to talk lovingly to sweet Sabrina,not to listen to both women discussing sweat and antiperspirants.,Stan continued to the listening cat…Why did Mary have to spot me? I only wanted a word from Sabrina,
Well,life is what happens when we are busy washing out our pans,Emile told him peevishly.
I don’t think that is quite right,said Stan.John Lennon had that song…Beautiful boy,I think..was that it?
And I have already washed all the pans and hoovered the ceilings…
Well,you see, much of life is out of our control.That’s why people like to take the Bible literally.They prefer to think End Times are here, than to realise life is always changeable and unpredictable.Anything seems better than uncertainty or doubt.Yet that is mostly what we are subject to and evolved in line with in a very real sense,putting it at its most basic.
How have you found teaching topology,Mary asked Sabrina.Is it going down like a hot jam doughnut would to a starving gorilla,as it were should they ever be offered one which seems unlikely except in a zoo.
I find it’s more fun than teaching logarithms,she continued,and exponentials some people find that a tough topic,
Yes,I love teaching topology and functional analysis.
Blimey, thought Stan, this is even worse than sweat and antiperspirants.I hate maths.Why I married Mary,GOK.I guess it was her eyes.And her hair… and look at it now,,, she’s going bald.Still,she’s been a good conpanion.
I use lily of the valley soap,he cried,interrupting the ladies.
Why, are you a swinger? asked Sabrina with interest.
No,I just use whatever Mary is using.I have no choice
Why don’t you buy him some soap smelling of parsley or potatoes,she asked Mary.Or can he not buy some himself?
Why, can you get that? Mary responded.Coal tar is one we tried but he hates it…I think for men there’s not a lot of choice…
But,Sabrina cried,A man smelling of lilies of the valley might cause a disturbance,even a riot, in a small town like this.
Why should women have all the lovely smells and men smell of coal tar and smoke? Stan asked.
Men like flowers too,you know.
The ladies looked at him with wonder as they sipped their lovely large cappuccinos and ate their hot cross iced buns.
I never thought of that before,Mary said.We shall have a talk about it later on.
Neither did I,Sabrina added.. this is not related to my own work but my fiance is a psychologist and he’d like to know about it.I think it’s a new field of study for which a large grant might be available from this idiot government,
Alright,ladies… time to go.Emile needs his dinner and I do too..So off they went all wrapped in their thoughts like feathers stuck inside a fluffy pillow on a big bed.As Rasputin might have put it on a good day,if you catch my drift or take the hint.If not,please try again later.
Not what anyone had expected…but change is good for us,surely? It staves off boredom
Now we can wonder what sort of soap Dave,the delightful paramedic wears.. and does he use a 48 hour deodorant..?And if so,why?
Please wait calmly as excitement wears people out.I am not responsible if you fall over your own feet or get your head in a whirl nor if you go to bed with a milkman or woman.Good night.


scat·​ter·​brain ˈska-tər-ˌbrān 

Synonyms of scatterbrain


a person who is forgetful, disorganized, or unable to concentrate or think clearlyThe English, who had raised eccentricity and poor organization to a high art, and placed the scatterbrain on a pedestal, loathed such Middle European things as rules, conventions, and dictatorships.—Simon Winchester