My sardonic mind

Sunday in the UK

I was going to take my husband a roast dinner today ,but I forgot to put his dentures in the coffin.. so I shall have to have them cremated.There goes another £758 and I am damned if I will pay for another Service especially if I need to produce a new poem
The doctor said I need to let my feelings out so I am going to Epping Forest to give them space the hope they will get lost and I can come home without them.
They say it’s natural to grieve.It’s also natural to eat dogs in China,And it’s natural for so called civilised countries to torture suspects
To save money I am burying my credit card under a tree with my husband’s ashes.Then he will know I being thrifty just like he always told me, even though it’s 30 years too late.
The dermatologist told me,you will smell human flesh burning.I wish I’d told him I am a vegetarian but my face was numb from the 21 injections they gave me.Maybe we should pay surgeons more more or let them eat cake.
I invited our GP to the funeral but he said for that to happen we’d have to hold it in the surgery.
Funerals are so expensive I’ve decided to bury myself at sea.Next week!

Where is sleep?

0ld Hunstanton with the pearl pale sands

Round the corner cliffs with striped bands

Where the waves lap onto the seashore

Ghost of children sing forever more.

Yellow gorse in its profusion grows

The wind blows from the Wash take seeds to sow.

By the gate the the duck pond is alive

The years have flown and I am not a bride

On the white white sands I see his marks

The sea filled all the gardens

Dark blue, stark.

It’s flood seemed like a richness

like a gift

Running down so slowly, coming swift

At Brancaster we two were almost drowned

The tide comes up so quickly without sound

You pulled me by the hands through waters deep

Where have you gone, my dearest ? Where is sleep?

The lore and lure of numbers

Infinities of different orders point
Like signposts on tbe hills where walkers pass
To places even gods were pleased to haunt

The common sense reproach will ever taunt
Those who sail on other seas unclassed
Infinities of different orders point

We are not the same in what we want
We make an image of our secret wish
In places where the magic gods would haunt

In a little line we cannot count
The many numbers as they jostle past
Infinities of different orders want.

Do not be afraid, we were not taught
The lore and lure of numbers like strange fish
In little ponds where gods hung out to haunt

The goat herds counted flocks and just with this
The transcendental numbers fly en masse
Infinities of different orders point
To numbers even G-d can never count

Why do we want more and more?

Mary loses weight

As Mary walked down the stairs on Friday, she felt her beautiful skirt of many colours slipping off her body and almost reaching the floor. Mary wondered if she had lost weight but she could not see any difference when she looked into the mirror
Maybe it has stretched at the waist .I hope it won’t fall off when I am walking down the street, Mary thought, especially when I’m in the town
What are you doing ,mewed Emile her little black cat?
I’m not doing anything,she replied .I’m just trying to walk down the stairs and my skirt is slipping.
Pull it up said Emile an unkind tone
She replied tactfully,yes I will when I get to the bottom of the stairs but soon her skirt fallen off completely .She was wearing only a brown silk petticoats and a pair of teal coloured tights.
You look cute, Emile said. Maybe you don’t need to wear a skirt, you can wear a petticoat instead,
Thank you very much ,said Mary but the weather is very cold and a silk petticoat is not warm enough for going into the town. I suppose I could put a very warm long coat over the top. Suppose I went into a restaurant and felt too hot then I would have to take off my coat and then everybody would see my petticoat.
Life is made up of Conundrums like this ;the secret is not to start thinking this way in the first place;once you do this is very hard to stop.
Mary’s friends say to her. Are you sleeping alright or how are you sleeping?
Mary never answers because she knows that if you start thinking about pthis a lot it’s not good for you as you can spend all day worrying about whether you are going to be able to sleep that night.
We have no control over our sleep, she pondered , but we can’t afford ruminating as it causes mental illness according to some scientists and doctors.
Rumination cuts people off from the world as they are always looking inside themselves.
Similarly being a perfectionist is very bad for you because again you’re not thinking about the work that you’re producing and enjoying it you are always wondering is this good enough or shall I start again oh I am so stupid etc
It is possible ,Mary has found, to control what you allow yourself to think about.
You can cut your thought off before it gets going.Anything that makes you keep thinking about yourself will create a wall around you . Other people can detect this wall; it makes them avoid you.
In general, we should have a few walls as possible both internal and externalJ
Just then the doorbell rang. it was Annie the ex-mistress of Mary ‘s late husband Stan.
Hello, she cried, how do you like my new coat?
Don’t tell me you’ve got another one ,Mary sighed
I didn’t buy it, Annie murmured. That sweet lady who lives opposite told me that she has put on a lot of weight so she can’t wear this anymore ; she asked me if I would like it
But you have already got about 20 Mary said, but I like this one .It’s a lovely colour; is it what we call teal or is it Kingfisher Blue?
I don’t know but it seems to match my other clothes and and you know I do like a change.
You prefer just to have one coat and wear it all the time, unless you are going out to your special functions, then you might wear your best coat ,which is the brown one isn’t it which Stan used to like because he said it hung well.
Yes he did like that very much and I was wearing it only yesterday as it is very warm. I would like to have more clothes like you do but I seem to be too busy to go shopping.
Annie gazed up with her large round eyes upon which she was wearing turquoise and magenta eyeshadow and bright blue mascara which clashed with her purple lipstick from East Saint Lawless.
That purple lipstick doesn’t match your coat nor your eyeshadow Mary told her
Well I think that a perfect costume puts men off .So it’s better to do something wrong and anyway a lot of men are colour blind so they won’t know that it’s the wrong shade of lipstick. I think that coral would look better and I shall buy some next time I go into the term because teal and coral look very nice together .Purple is good with blues.
Actually, Mary said ,purple make you look as if you’ve got heart disease or anaemia.
Thanks a lot, shouted Annie. What kind of friend are you?
I am an honest friend ,Mary replied in a warm voice.I think that I don’t often say things which distress you but sometimes knowing that you would like to meet another man I feel impelled to give you my point of view.
That’s very kind of you said Annie but I think now I am too old to find a man who wants a mistress because a younger man could get a younger mistress and an older man may be past bothering about mistresses and love and such things.And where can I find one,anyway.
I don’t agree, said Mary I think if you look very nice a man may be very proud to take you out and have you hanging from his arm like a trophy even if he is not able to proceed very far with bodily love. After all ,everybody likes someone to talk to and some companionship ;someone to help them out when they are feeling unwell.As long as that is it is mutual I don’t see anything wrong with it.
The two women stared out of the window and saw a wood pigeon on the shed.Maybe it’s better to be a bird,Mary thought aimlessly before she put on the kettle for a lovely cup of tea and some chocolate fingers.Tea is the best drink in the world or at least in Knitingham

Emile goes to the shop

Mary thought she chad ordered all of her groceries but she forgot to put tea. on the list So she sent Emile to the corner shop with a note tied to his collar
Please give the bearer your best tea. Use your judgement
Emile went off.He managed to get into the shop after children who were getting sweets with their pocket money or debit cards
He went up to the counter and mewed,Mother has sent you a note.
One of the children laughed
Is your mother a girlfriend of Mr Kumar?
No, she is not,Emile growled with a loud throbbing voice
Mr Kumar led Emile behind the counter into his living room and spoke to his wife
She asked Emile to sit down as she went into the kitchen and poured him some tea from her China teapot
.Do you want it on a saucer, she enquired thoughtfully?
Yes, please,said Emile.This is very kind.
He leaped onto the rug and began sipping the Ceylon tea.This makes a change, he murmured.
I didn’t know you could just walk in and get free tea!
After a few minutes the shop door crashed open and he heard Mary’s voice
Oh,Mr Kumar,I am so stupid.I sent Emile out to buy some Twinings tea and he has not come home!What shall we do? She started crying and dabbing her eyes with Stan’s hanky.
Come through, he whispered politely.Do not weep,dear.All is well
Mary came in and saw Emile drinking his tea and winking at Mrs Kumar.
Emile, you stupid cat.I was going crazy worrying.I’ll strangle you!
Is it my fault, he replied.I only gave them that note you sent.
But is it not obvious what I intended? she said plaintively
These days you never know, the cat muttered.I try to be obedient as far as I can.
Mrs Kumar came out and gave Mary a cup of tea.
Sit down,dear.Worry is so bad for you.Why did you not phone us?
Since it was just a packet of tea I thought Emile could carry it.He is very intelligent normally.
Yes,I am, thought Emile as he looked at Maisie, the Kumar’s lovely cat who was asleep on a chair.
I wonder if I can waken her up, he asked himself.
Does she drink tea?
Would she like to start a family.It’s not too late for me to become a parent.
Maisie opened her eyes
What’s that cat doing here?
I onlt came for the tea,Emile told her.But you look very beautiful.Shall we meet tonight
I’m washing my fur, she told him with a smile
How about tomorrow?
Have you got a phone?
No, he said,I’ll just caterwaul at 9 pm and if you are free I’ll be under the red maple tree waiting for you
Good grief,thought Mary.
This cat is very cunning.Just one chance and he is making the most of it.
Mr Kumar gave her some tea and she wandered home in a daze after asking them for a drink on Sunday.
My social life is looking up but there’s noone who will hug me any more
Well Emile would but his legs are too short!

I should have bought a donkey instead.

Or in addition.I am lonely without Stan

This frosted grass has beauty debonair

Seems like a dream, I’m riding in a car
He’s kind; he’s bright ; he likes to drive and chat.
We’re intellectuals; ha ha ha ha ha!

I wonder if the house is very far.
I’m happy not to map read; I sit back
In my self, I’m cosy in this car

The motorway is salted, frost to clear.
In the fields, looks like they’ve emptied sacks.
The cars spin round; so merry, like a fair.

I like the softened meadows’ silver stare
M25, I thought I’d not be going back
In my dream, I’m moving but to where?

This frosted grass has beauty debonair
Once stubble used to burn and make skies black
Crossing Essex, flames would fill the air.

The dear child sits behind me, tra la la!
I like his magic; how his marbles clack.
He likes to hear me humming, fah la la

Oh, this man drives well in the fierce sun glare.
He never swears nor shouts; he brings good luck
The sun lies boldly on long branches bare.

I feel relaxed, enjoy the spacious car.
A little voice asks, Daddy is it far?