Mary and Annie went on the beach at Aldeburgh. The beach is mainly shingle. At dawn they have seen the fishing boats going out
I don’t like walking on a shingle,Mary announced it was a truth as if it was a truth like the discovery of gravity
Well Annie said, we both need some extremely good trainers. But we can’t get them here and anyway we’re going home soon. Why don’t we walk on the promenade instead of on the beach?
Well I like to walk along the very edge of the sea and hear the pluck and knock of the tide.
Do stop showing off. I have read Look stranger on this island now by WH Auden.
So have I said Mary and it’s one of the few poems I can remember by heart.
That’s fortunate said Annie because you might get sent to prison for plagiarism.
Apart from you no one else has heard me saying the pluck and knock of the tide.
I expect they’ll see it on your blog.
Who knows that I’ve got a blog Mary asked foolishly?
You will be surprised said Anna.
Last week someone in Iraq was reading it. I don’t suppose they have read Auden unless they are a professor of English literature. That’s a possibility. Will I need to issue an apology?
Yes or the Conservatives will put you in jail.
Well I’m definitely not going to vote for the Conservative party at the next election.
Mary saw the bus was due in five minutes.She applied some sunscreen and combed her hair gently with a cake fork while she wondered why she was going out.She looked into her phone camera to get her hair in order Alas, the familiar footsteps of Annie were heard on the patio.In she flew dressed in red and brown like a robin in winter except she wore pure wool and nit feathers How do you like my outfit, she cried girlishly Mary stared at her, noting the pale beige face makeup from Max Tucker and brick coloured lipstick from Wigan’s Makeup Outlet Store where Annie loved to browse for days on end. I think the brick coloured lipstick does not go with the scarlet jacket,Annie. Oh, don’t worry.It’s the in thing now to clash That might be true but men won’t know it’s a fashion unless they read Vogue.Most don’t. Never mind all that. I’ve brought Emile a new blanket He’s not a dog,you know.Do cats need blankets? If you drove it would protect the seat. I might go round the bend.If we drive we almost certainly would meet bends Do fish get the bends,mewed Emile? We don’t know that.It only proves that a question can be asked in a human language but within that system there is no way of answering it,Mary told him quietly, thinking of Wittgenstein her husband’s former tutor. First of all, fish probably can’t speak English or understand it. How amazing, the little cat replied.How stupid can you get? Well a fish would think you were stupid for not being able to live in the sea. So true,Emile sighed.Shall I try? Don’t be so ridiculous,Annie whispered.The sea in not near Knittingham. Mary can’t drive and you may drown. Then St Peter will be reading out all your sins Can cats commit sins, asked Emile with surprise Yes, because you know you have a choice.You can bite my hand or resist the temptation I don’t feel like biting it now so if I did it would not give me pleasure. For God’s sake, stop arguing.Anyone would think you’d been to the Synagogue, today Mary shouted But in a Synagogue men argue about the Torah not about cats swimming,Emile replied But then it gets to be a habit,Mary finished. Still many other people argue,Annie reminded her. But God does not want it,Mary said How do you know? He/She may love to hear it.It will provoke thought And it may provoke a Flood or you being turned into a pillow of salt,Mary screamed Pillar of Salt,Annie corrected her Why do people not turn into pepper, the cat asked wisely. There is no pepper in the Dead Sea, the women agreed.~And black pepper/white pepper could be PIC They have red peppers in the Market.Annie mused.And yellow too But where does that leave us?Where was Mary going to and why has she not left for the bus stop? Was it something wicked that she was trying to do in secret? We’ll see tomorrow I expect
Let me give Colvile one explanation for the fact that waiting lists have stopped rising. My wife recently saw her GP with a view to being referred to a consultant. She was told that local hospitals have closed their lists for the type of procedure she required, thus preventing the numbers from rising
Like a piece of ground where bombs go off repeatedly,
my inner landscape is perpetually marked
by these explosions of sorrow,
made all the worse
by the lack of a listening ear,
a warm open heart
or an outstrerched hand.
I have constructed a map
but it's incomplete,by its nature;
so even now,I might stumble into an old hole
or a new one,created
by reverberations underground;
the noise like distant music,
a constant drumbeat.
We do not dance
I might call it the Liturgy of Loss,
a dance to the music of rhyme;
Patterns abd shapes hold the feelings
and express them.The shape of these forms
is a container for the grief.
In this way,I indicate
that life will go on;I hear the healing music
and sing to its melodies
like a mermaid on the edge of the sea in winter
when the water is cold and green like his eyes,
and the rocks are hard like large fists.
Nature can be a s ymbol for such emotion
we cannot walk without a tear in ech eye
and a softening of our hearts
as tenderly we touch the world
and are touched in turn by each other.
Stretch out your hand to meet mine.
We can hold each other better
than each can hold theirself.
Like in sex, the meaning is not the climax
but the giving and being given;
receiving and being received.
The sacredness of the erotic needs no explanation
to a gardener or a fisherman
but may need it for the information saturated,postmodern
who dwell in the fascist virtual reality
we call life on earth today
The very next day Mary and Annie went back went back to Rose house to see Maggie. I hope that Maggie believes that we were genuinely unable to come in yesterday because of the beautiful bottom competition, st Mary thoughtfully. Don’t worry about it Emile said it was your fight or flight reaction which senf adrenaline rushing through your blood. I think flight was the sensible mature response to what you heard.
Thank you, baby said Annie softly now come on let’s go let’s ring that doorbell and speak to the receptionist
The women and the cat were soon in Maggie’s room on the ground floor of Rose House. What are the stuff brought them some lovely tea in China mugs But suddenly they heard somebody scream. They carried on with their chat.
But soon they could hear another scream and then the words
helpe me help me help me
Then Annie said to Maggie is nobody going to her?
Maggie replied saying that this lady screams all day sometimes and even all night and they can’t go to her every time. There are not enough staff.
Ida has got vascular dementia and she can’t walk so she’s totally dependent on the Carers. She has no hobbies or interests which is not surprising because she is 100 years old.
0h my God said Mary I thought they would get looked after very well in a nursing home.
I ho in and read her stories said Maggie. But the day is very long when you’re in bed all the time or maybe occasionally you get into the lounge in a wheelchair.
Some of the United people will start shouting or asking for help while they’re in the lines doing flower arranging or listening to the music therapist singing their favourite song. Is there a coupon show soon we have to take them back to their rooms and then they shout more because they are disappointed.
It must be trying for you Maggie trying to read or learn another language. Annie had spotted teach yourself Latin on the bookshelf.
Yes I think it’s affecting my blood pressure said Maggie dolefully.
I am able to walk now so I could go back home if I can get some help.
I love being near the sea and seeing lg the fishing boat go out at dawn. But it’s very small place so I think I will go back to knittingham once I manage to arrange the help in the house are possibly a few other things so I’ll let you know when I come back it will be great if I can meet you more frequently. It’s very lonely here because I couldn’t walk for a long time and it’s quite depressing you know that the other people are here mainly because they have no one to look after them at home and in some cases just waiting to die. We need a campaign especially after the effects of lockdown. Would you like to be here when visitors weren’t allowed. And you couldn’t really go outside. So far this spring has been very cold too.
Maggie we haven’t really talked to you very much we’ll come again before we go home and make sure we keep your details on our phones so we will not lose them. We’re coming to see you again on Sunday because we are going home on Monday. Is there anything that you would like us to bring? Visit my phone number and tell me anything from fruit to 5 pairs of frilly knickers.
Oh that’s so kind said Maggie her eyes filling with tears so since my husband Len died three years ago I I didn’t have anyone I could ask to bring with things I know I could order from Amazon online but it’s not the same having someone there to help you when you remember you’re running out of something important
Emile put his head off of the rucksack and he said to Maggie, if you are running out of love I will give you my personal phone number but you can bring me anytime and I will send you loving and friendly text messages. I like this town because you can buy fresh fish on the beach. Yum yum yum he cried humorously before himself back into the soft cardigan the bottom of the rucksack.
8He was a picky person with a penchant for piss artistry He liked to excite women with his studied impropriety. He often went to bed with a woman of society Then she would be troubled by her sudden notoriety. As demanding as a pigeon with one eye and no stability; Although he had been gifted with a wide range of abilities. He always told the truth in a manner Jesuitical It gave rise to deep wounds and to curious thoughts inimical. He read between the lines and fantasised romanticly He knew his Greek and Latin and corrected folk pedanticly. He liked to drink ripe brandy and practise tantric gallantry. Until it led to arguments and words fired off too franticly. He said he felt real lonesome even when he was in intimacy Wished he’d never bothered to lose his own virginity He did too much for others and got stressed out by an accident Until his control broke and gave rise to a grave incident. So now he is in prison and finds it suits him perfectly. He was made to be a hermit and he lives his life less jerkily. All he misses now is the ladies so beloved of him… He wonders if they can be jailed and share his cell and comfort him?
You let me see the face within your face Human,lowly,humbler than an ant The pathos in your eyes made sad my gaze The other face, defended, has no grace With it ,you appear quite confident. Yet you revealed to me your hidden face I know now of the suffering of your days A fear of tragic pasts feared imminent The pathos in your eyes made sad my gaze The mental torment heavy all your days. Yet you must hide from men intolerant You revealed the face within your face Like martyrs, you were tortured and disgraced You wandered feebly,lost, itinerant The pathos in your eyes makes sad my days If Love exists then would that not embrace The lost, the lonely, even the vagrant? You revealed the face within your face The pathos in your eyes made me feel base
Anyway I’m losing weight and my genes that were tied to weeks ago I know dropping off me so if you want to find me you can just follow the trail of jeans or genes
Mary put on her light tweed trouser suit and the pair of brogues she always thought just right for walking around Aldeburgh. It was not really Mary’s style. She had been reading private patient by P.D James who obviously admired thin or thick tweed trouser suits. But not for changing the tyree on your car. That’s the big advantage of jeans.
She went into Annie’s room in the small family hotel. it was a beautiful room decorated in turquoise and light blue and she said furtively
I’ve just remembered that there is a Nursing Home near here. Someone I used to know when I was young called Maggie Heldridge has been living here for about a year. She fell over and couldn’t walk properly so she came here for rest and physiotherapy. I’m wondering if she’s going to go home again so we could call and find out. Most women like visitors but are Mary and Annie normal visitors?
Are you thinking that we should go and visit her while we’re nearby? Annie asked her?
Well it will be an act of hunan kindness wouldn’t it? She never married so she probably doesn’t have many visitors. I’ll give the place a call and we can go around there for coffee this morning.
Little did they know what was in store for them on this sunny morning.
Emile woke up.
Can I come with you, he asked politely? I’m not very keen on building sandcastles nor rolling up my trouser legs so I can paddle in the sea.
We we could give this rucksack a trial to see whether I could wear it for a longer walk up the beach.
Rose House was not difficult to find. They went up the Town Steps which led to a slightly higher road on which the Catholic church was located. Why they built the church up there I have no idea. Rose house was opposite the church
Maybe they were afraid of the church being washed away by the sea given what had happened at nearby Dunwich
Press the buzzer on the front door of Rose House and you will find a determined receptionist inside who will allow you to get in because she knows the secret code.
They introduced themselves and told her that they had come to see their friend Maggie.
Maggie.,. we all love her she is so beautiful, she wears very trendy clothing and she’s got beautiful skin I have seen it myself because I used to be a Carer but I went to college and did some training and now I’m a receptionist
We are going to have a beautiful bottom competition this year were I myself I’m going to photograph the bottom of anyone who wants to enter. When we will pin a number of them on the wall and people can decide which one they like the best.
What is this place? thought Mary
It seems a bit weird to me. Is it legal to take a photograph of anyone’s bottom? I suppose they give their consent its okay. They may not want to upset the staff by refusing.
Actually if you like I can take photographs of your bottoms while you are here although you can cannot enter the competition unless you are a resident.
The two women looked at each other in wild surmise. They picked up the rucksack and ran out of the door into the car park as there was no other place that you could get to from the door. Unless you had wings.
They ran into the nearest coffee shop and asked for two large cappuccinos with sugar as tea was not available. Forgotten all about Emile but where was he?
We can’t we can’t let Maggie down Mary said we will have to go back but not today I will telephone and explain that you have got a sudden attack of claustrophobia so you need to see a doctor urgently
I can’t tell lies to the doctor. It seems wrong
Why not? We are post truth now you know. And it’s all because of Judith Butler and Heidegger.
Don’t worry I never played with them in the school playground.
You will never play with them anywhere.
I don’t mind whatever you say and the two women walked along the streets with a happy Emile in the ruck sack on Mary’s back. What’s a miracles that is
If God had made us with paws like dogs and fur like tigers then we would not need to buy clothes and we would not need money as much as we do.
Furthermore if we ate grass we are not need to go to the supermarket.
If we had fur would that be sufficient to keep us warm in the northern winters because tigers don’t live there but they’re living in Africa and India where it’s hot.
Can someone invent a new form of fur?
However if we had four legs under arms it will be hard to read a book especially if our eyes are set further to the side like cats eyes look to be. After all we don’t want to have curved books, do we?
Would you like a tail like a cat? Would we still have looting contests?
Could we still buy stiletto heels to stick to our whores?Sorry, laws.
My mother bought some rogues in Hotters sale. She bought just one pair. Four colours black brown yellow and white. Sorry they don’t have them in khaki
My wife said to me if you want to have a bath there are plenty of clean trowels in the Bering Coven.
My friend is buying a flat. What else can you do with them?
A holy stone is good for a rest or to throw at a pest. Too many dirty books caused me to need a wash and get really tense! Flask’s are not what your auntie can fill for you, but you can do one for your auntie if you are a pest.I mean pressed. I was asleep at the spinning wheel trying to beat a record for the longest tale in the world.I misread it..longest tail in the world.Oh, what dead luck. Why does the ass face backwards? Pass the tea bag over the kettle to flavour the theatre At the back of Dawn stood a very big bad bald man At the flop of a hat he jumps into bed At the eleventh power failure she went over the edge and I had a very nervous breakdown on my hands.I p ulled her back from the brim of the coffee mug as she wished to drown her sorrows I was at the far end of my mope when the priest called out for wine..They used to drink tea once but they now say tea was never mentioned in the Bible.As for cappuccinos… do you think Jesus would have did what He did if he was in Starbuck’s. all morning? See,that’s what thinking does for you.So stop now At the end of the day coffee keeps you awake all night choosing the hymns for your funeral. At the bend in the book-keepers’ folder was a gold coin.Father Xmas left it for him,so he said At the last minuet I’d like to be alone with my own soul or a fried sole She made me eat the witch’s sandwiches.They were pearlicious.But the witch is now malicious which bodes ill for the New Year not to mention the full moon.What is it full of anyway? Ll
When the weather began to improve and the sun was getting high in the sky, Mary and Annie decided to go for a holiday on the East coast
I would really like to take Emile with us Mary told Annie.
He’s had a hard time during the last few years and it would do him good to have a change.
But do you think it’s safe to take him?
Do you think he should have a collar and lead?
No I think that we will get a rucksack made of leather and we can put a soft wool cardigan in the bottom and it must be quite shallow so that if he wants to he can sit up and put his head out of the top even though he’s on my back.He should be able to hear the sound and smell the tang of the sea.
So Mary said to Emile
We’re thinking of going on holiday to some quiet Hamlet on the East coast. We thought you might like to come with us.
Oh mother I would really love to come with you. Can I go in your handbag? I can put my head off of the top and if anybody who comes near you I can bite them with my teeth.I’ll make sure that my sheet teeth are very sharp before we leave home
We will talk about that when we’re near the time because Annie and I have got to choose our clothes shoes and get some makeup and sun protection cream not to mention having our hair cut blow dried
Oh you women cried Emile.
The wind will blow dry your hair when you walk along the beach.
Oh,my hair is is thin enough already without being bblown off by the wind.
Well, I like it said Emile manfully.
Thank you so much, Mary told him. What a courteous cat you are
And so say all of us
I hope that one day I will have another cat just like Emile
We do not allow men and women to share beds in the Cardiac Unit
[That’s good.I am homosexual. or neuter]
{ Now, you might think it would save money if we all chose a partner on the ward]
We do not allow patients to open the windows
[Are you afraid the people in another ward might want to climb in?}
You must not complain about the food
{Where is it?}
We keep you here until WE decide.[Not the Royal Sea Hospital where we had your angiograms]
We change the sheets every day.
{That’s the only benefit of being in hospital]
The nurses are all overworked
{So is everyone, including the patient]
Do not get washed in front of the Consultant
[We wait till he turns round then ?]
That bowl of water is not a cup of tea
[Wittgenstein, thou should be living at this hour]
Please do not watch porn on your iphone as it may be stolen.Buy a cheap one before you come in here.Be prepared and always keep it to hand
Remember actual sex is forbidden except in the bathroom.And it is unwise there.
{ What’s this, a convent?}
No,matron I was just feeling itchy.
[They believe anything]
If you can do that, you can go home.
[But I won’t have an audience at home.]
Would you believe some people have heart attacks just to get into a Cardiac Unit?
{Me neither. unless I was an asylum seeker]
We are always able to make you a cup of tea.
{But are you willing?}
The last rule is pray hard and keep smiling
Oh, to be beguiling
Please do not die when you’ve just had clean sheets on your bed
We’ll leave the dirty ones on then
Free death now!
You must lie flat in the Cardiac Unit
So we can’t lie upright?
Can the upright lie?
Breakfast is a cornflake
Milk Snatcher!
Ghosts sometimes have mobile homes.Ignore them
I need someone in my bed
It’s not yours.You are dead.
I don’t believe it!
Ask for a certificate then
A deaf certificate?
Cockney!
The PM is fond of women>Please wear dressing gowns when he pays a visit
And when I pay a visit?
Please do not mention hair when Mrs X is near your bed Who, her?
Please pray silently.Respect atheism tonight
They’ll be having Services soon with their own organ
We do not need the News blasted from your phone
Truss kills.
Why have the weather forecast on when you are dyinlg,
Just a bad habit, as Thomas Aquinas said
When the PM arrives we will all cry in one voice Alleluya
Is she God now?
When he leaves, shout it twice
Why can’t the doctor do it,we are sick
So are the doctors.How do they feel?
Quite nice,I have found.
Don’t touch them!
Well, they touched me first
That was for your angiogram
I prefer a radiogram
Think of your Art.
Chalk it up to experience
On a blackboard?
It’s a metaphor
For whom?
The bell tolls
Stan was wearing his best suit,topped by a denim apron, and wad polishing the big windows with a microfibre cloth ,as he waited breathlessly for his stunning wife
.Mary entered the room wearing a long purple and mauve dress which clung somewhat tightly to the curvaceous contours of her beautifully rounded body.
On her feet she had some smart pewter ballet slippers and in her elegant hand she carried a huge pewter clutch bag which contained some of her many medications.She addressed Stan,
“I think I can leave my handbag behind if I put my mouth spray into my bra.”
“That somehow detracts from the romance of the evening.” Stan pronounced openly.
“Well,you know,I never had a cleavage until lately and I fell I ought to make the most of it.”
“Surely I should be the one make the most of it,” he riposted jocosely.
“Of course you may, my angel,but not in the restaurant,”she answered back sweetly
“I’ll put your spray in my pocket then,shall I?”
Suddenly the doorbell rang.
”Who’s this?”
It was Annie,their next door neighbour.
She was wearing a coral velvet track suit with matching Reeboks and sun hat.
“Hi,I just came in with a little prezzie,”She declaimed.In her hand was a huge box of chocolates.
“Gosh,Mary you look lovely in that beautiful long dress but you’re not
going on your bike,are you?”
“No,we are having a cab,but it’s not come as yet.”
“Well,never mind.I’ll ring 999 and get them to send an emergency ambulance for you!”
Fortunately,as luck would have it the minicab appeared and it was only as they were entering the restaurant that Stan realised he was still wearing his old denim apron.
“Shall I take it off?” he pondered.
On the pro side I will look smarter on the con side I might spill some soup down my front.I wish I’d done more logic at college.
So he kept it on.Mary didn’t seem to notice.She just took him for granted.~
If he stood on his head and sang”Jerusalem” she probably wouldn’t pay any attention.
Then he noticed that Mary was wearing an apron too.It was the same colour as her dress.What a brilliant idea,he thought.
“There may be money in this.” He could start a small business,
“Aprons R You” selling lovely aprons in all colours of the rainbow.
Suddenly he heard noises;he awoke and heard Mary shouting
“How can you go to sleep when you are out with me?”
“Would you prefer me to recite the Periodic Table?” he snapped gently.
“I’d prefer a poem,” she cried…
All right,Petal,I’ll think of one soon.In the meantime would you like a fool?”
“No.I’ve got you,” she responded handsomely.
“I mean for a pudding?”
“Oh,yes please.A Rubik fool would be lovely.It will pass the time.You know I get so bored.”
“Well,I do my best but it’s hard keeping up with you.would you like to read a few truth tables whilst I finish my mea.?”
He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small leather bound book.
“Truth tables and levitation for geniuses,” by Bertha Russell.
“Oh,Stan,this looks interesting .I’ve always wanted to fly like an angel or an owl.”
“It’s never too late to say never.” he responded.
“Whatever do you mean?”
“I don’t know.Just because a sentence is grammatically correct doesn’t imply that it means something.”
“Yes, quite right.And conversely a sentence can mean something even when it’s not grammatically correct.”“Isn’t thinking exciting!”
“Yes,indeed.I was thinking how exciting it will be to go to bed with you.”
“Wow,good grammar and full of meaning.I am yours.I am like a ripe plum ready to drop off the tree.I am a cat ready to mate.I am a song waiting to be sung.”
“Gosh,are metaphors your bete noir?”
“Je ne parle pas Francais.”
“Aimez vous ein Nederlander?”
“Sprechen sie Deutsche?”
Ist sein mutter immer krank?”
Lehitraot, auf weidersehen,au revoir,
Je suis un parallel line
Stan was wearing his best suit,topped by a denim apron, and wad polishing the big windows with a microfibre cloth ,as he waited breathlessly for his stunning wife
How my heart sings 