I’m not sure what it means

A holy stone is good for a rest or to throw at a pest.
Too many dirty books caused me to need a wash and get really tense!
Flask’s are not what your auntie can fill for you, but you can do one for your auntie if you are a pest.I mean pressed.
I was asleep at the spinning wheel trying to beat a record for the longest tale in the world.I misread it..longest tail in the world.Oh, what dead luck.
Why does the ass face backwards?
Pass the tea bag over the kettle to flavour the theatre
At the back of Dawn stood a very big bad bald man
At the flop of a hat he jumps into bed
At the eleventh power failure she went over the edge and I had a very nervous breakdown on my hands.I p ulled her back from the brim of the coffee mug as she wished to drown her sorrows
I was at the far end of my mope when the priest called out for wine..They used to drink tea once but they now say tea was never mentioned in the Bible.As for cappuccinos… do you think Jesus would have did what He did if he was in Starbuck’s. all morning? See,that’s what thinking does for you.So stop now
At the end of the day coffee keeps you awake all night choosing the hymns for your funeral.
At the bend in the book-keepers’ folder was a gold coin.Father Xmas left it for him,so he said
At the last minuet I’d like to be alone with my own soul or a fried sole
She made me eat the witch’s sandwiches.They were pearlicious.But the witch is now malicious which bodes ill for the New Year not to mention the full moon.What is it full of anyway? Ll

Mary and Annie are thinking about a holiday in a hamlet

When the weather began to improve and the sun was getting high in the sky, Mary and Annie decided to go for a holiday on the East coast

I would really like to take Emile with us Mary told Annie.

He’s had a hard time during the last few years and it would do him good to have a change.

But do you think it’s safe to take him?

Do you think he should have a collar and lead?

No I think that we will get a rucksack made of leather and we can put a soft wool cardigan in the bottom and it must be quite shallow so that if he wants to he can sit up and put his head out of the top even though he’s on my back.He should be able to hear the sound and smell the tang of the sea.

So Mary said to Emile

We’re thinking of going on holiday to some quiet Hamlet on the East coast. We thought you might like to come with us.

Oh mother I would really love to come with you. Can I go in your handbag? I can put my head off of the top and if anybody who comes near you I can bite them with my teeth.I’ll make sure that my sheet teeth are very sharp before we leave home

We will talk about that when we’re near the time because Annie and I have got to choose our clothes shoes and get some makeup and sun protection cream not to mention having our hair cut blow dried

Oh you women cried Emile.

The wind will blow dry your hair when you walk along the beach.

Oh,my hair is is thin enough already without being bblown off by the wind.

Well, I like it said Emile manfully.

Thank you so much, Mary told him. What a courteous cat you are

And so say all of us

I hope that one day I will have another cat just like Emile

Rules in Cardiac Unit

ancient cloudy daylight england
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

We do not allow men and women to share beds in the Cardiac Unit
[That’s good.I am homosexual. or neuter]
{ Now, you might think it would save money if we all chose a partner  on the ward]
We do not allow patients to open the windows
[Are you afraid  the people in another ward might want to climb in?}
You must  not complain about the food
{Where is it?}
We keep you here until WE decide.[Not the Royal Sea Hospital where we had your angiograms]
We change the sheets every day.
{That’s the only benefit of being in hospital]
The nurses are all overworked
{So is everyone, including the patient]
Do not get washed in front of the Consultant
[We wait till he turns round then ?]
That bowl of water is not a cup of tea
[Wittgenstein, thou should be living at this hour]
Please do not watch porn on your iphone as it may be stolen.Buy a cheap one before you come in here.Be prepared and always keep it to hand
Remember actual sex is forbidden except in the bathroom.And it is unwise there.
{ What’s this, a convent?}
No,matron I was just feeling itchy.
[They believe anything]
If you can do that, you can go home.
[But I won’t have an audience at home.]
Would you believe some people have heart attacks just to get into a Cardiac Unit?
{Me neither.  unless I was an asylum seeker]
We are always able to make you a cup of tea.
{But are you willing?}
The last rule is pray hard and keep smiling
Oh, to be beguiling

Breakfast is a cornflake


Please do not die when you’ve just had clean sheets on your bed
We’ll leave the dirty ones on then
Free death now!

You must lie flat in the Cardiac Unit
So we can’t lie upright?
Can the upright lie?

Breakfast is a cornflake
Milk Snatcher!

Ghosts sometimes have mobile homes.Ignore them

I need someone in my bed
It’s not yours.You are dead.
I don’t believe it!
Ask for a certificate then
A deaf certificate?

The PM is fond of women>Please wear dressing gowns when he pays a visit
And when I pay a visit?

Please do not mention hair when Mrs X is near your bed
Who, her?

Please pray silently.Respect atheism tonight
They’ll be having Services soon with their own organ

We do not need the News blasted from your phone
Truss kills.

Why have the weather forecast on when you are dyinlg,
Just a bad habit, as Thomas Aquinas said

When the PM arrives we will all cry in one voice Alleluya
Is she God now?

When he leaves, shout it twice
Why can’t the doctor do it,we are sick
So are the doctors.How do they feel?
Quite nice,I have found.
Don’t touch them!
Well, they touched me first
That was for your angiogram
I prefer a radiogram
Think of your Art.
Chalk it up to experience
On a blackboard?
It’s a metaphor
For whom?
The bell tolls


If he stood on his head and sang Jerusalem

  • CatsStan was wearing his best suit,topped by a denim apron, and wad polishing the big windows with a microfibre cloth ,as he waited breathlessly for his stunning wife
    .Mary entered the room wearing a long purple and mauve dress which clung somewhat tightly to the curvaceous contours of her beautifully rounded body.
    On her feet she had some smart pewter ballet slippers and in her elegant hand she carried a huge pewter clutch bag which contained some of her many medications.She addressed Stan,
    “I think I can leave my handbag behind if I put my mouth spray into my bra.”
    “That somehow detracts from the romance of the evening.” Stan pronounced openly.
    “Well,you know,I never had a cleavage until lately and I fell I ought to make the most of it.”
    “Surely I should be the one make the most of it,” he riposted jocosely.
    “Of course you may, my angel,but not in the restaurant,”she answered back sweetly
    “I’ll put your spray in my pocket then,shall I?”
    Suddenly the doorbell rang.
    ”Who’s this?”
    It was Annie,their next door neighbour.
    She was wearing a coral velvet track suit with matching Reeboks and sun hat.
    “Hi,I just came in with a little prezzie,”She declaimed.In her hand was a huge box of chocolates.
    “Gosh,Mary you look lovely in that beautiful long dress but you’re not
    going on your bike,are you?”
    “No,we are having a cab,but it’s not come as yet.”
    “Well,never mind.I’ll ring 999 and get them to send an emergency ambulance for you!”
    Fortunately,as luck would have it the minicab appeared and it was only as they were entering the restaurant that Stan realised he was still wearing his old denim apron.
    “Shall I take it off?” he pondered.
    On the pro side I will look smarter on the con side I might spill some soup down my front.I wish I’d done more logic at college.
    So he kept it on.Mary didn’t seem to notice.She just took him for granted.~
    If he stood on his head and sang”Jerusalem” she probably wouldn’t pay any attention.
    Then he noticed that Mary was wearing an apron too.It was the same colour as her dress.What a brilliant idea,he thought.
    “There may be money in this.” He could start a small business,
    “Aprons R You” selling lovely aprons in all colours of the rainbow.
    Suddenly he heard noises;he awoke and heard Mary shouting
    “How can you go to sleep when you are out with me?”
    “Would you prefer me to recite the Periodic Table?” he snapped gently.
    “I’d prefer a poem,” she cried…
    All right,Petal,I’ll think of one soon.In the meantime would you like a fool?”
    “No.I’ve got you,” she responded handsomely.
    “I mean for a pudding?”
    “Oh,yes please.A Rubik fool would be lovely.It will pass the time.You know I get so bored.”
    “Well,I do my best but it’s hard keeping up with you.would you like to read a few truth tables whilst I finish my mea.?”
    He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small leather bound book.
    “Truth tables and levitation for geniuses,” by Bertha Russell.
    “Oh,Stan,this looks interesting .I’ve always wanted to fly like an angel or an owl.”
    “It’s never too late to say never.” he responded.
    “Whatever do you mean?”
    “I don’t know.Just because a sentence is grammatically correct doesn’t imply that it means something.”
    “Yes, quite right.And conversely a sentence can mean something even when it’s not grammatically correct.”“Isn’t thinking exciting!”
    “Yes,indeed.I was thinking how exciting it will be to go to bed with you.”
    “Wow,good grammar and full of meaning.I am yours.I am like a ripe plum ready to drop off the tree.I am a cat ready to mate.I am a song waiting to be sung.”
    “Gosh,are metaphors your bete noir?”
    “Je ne parle pas Francais.”
    “Aimez vous ein Nederlander?”
    “Sprechen sie Deutsche?”
    Ist sein mutter immer krank?”
    Lehitraot, auf weidersehen,au revoir,
    Je suis un parallel line

Another mind

From time and place and season I am lost,
Disorientated ,missing tracks well worn.
Do not suppose I’m unaware of cost,
Nor label me with epithets of scorn.
For usual paths lead to the usual place.
The safest way to live and perhaps to die,
But wandering through the woods I find new space
and in wild grasses with the fox I lie.
Through distant trees, I see a way to go
As narrow as a slit in pale limestone.
I pass in silence as if in deep,deep snow.
My courage rises even as I groan.

Remember when we’re lost ,we may then find
Another way,a place,another mind.