Oh, clock
What the shell do you preen?
Oh well dog ram it again
This is an oral exam you fluddy butt base
Don’t talk to me like that
Like what, you moonatic
Stop inventing words
Why you Rupert ban?
I love your hauteur
Where the gel is that.?
Up skewers
I hate you, cow.
I am consulted
I won’t pray a few
You are so mean it’s hard to prescribe
Be off you friend.Go blot up hell
Stan fell asleep in front of the roaring fire.Emile lay across his lap.Emile was so limp he looked like a wet towel slung casually over the old man’s knees.It was Stan’s birthday but no party had been arranged.He was struck that Mary had not baked a cake..nor even bought one at the Co-op.
That was no surprise really as he did all the cooking including Bakewell tarts and Xmas cake,He was a versatile man who could also mend old radios and fix clocks that were stuck one time….usually the wrong one!
He also spent quite a lot of time giving statistics lessons to pensioners and kissing his blonde mistress,Anne who lived next door.
He decided that being so near her was a big advantage given his age.
Suddenly he was awakened by chuckles and giggles,There were Mary and Anne holding a big iced cake and a pot of tea.The doorbell rang and in came all Stan’s friends from his Art class.Mary produced sandwiches and pork pies,sausage rolls and potato cakes.
How did you do this,he enquired dazedly?
We did it all in Anne’s oven.She has two so it was quite easy.
Mary was not jealous of Anne for Mary would rather read Principia Mathematica than go to bed with Stan.Apparently she was mildly autistic but she was happy doing maths as many of her co-workers had the same syndrome.
She did have one daughter whom she found hidden in a gooseberry bush in the garden.This was enough for Stan as he was 92.But luckily he did have a good gold plated pension of £390.09 per month.
Everyone was having a fabulous time until Anne tried to light the candles on the cake.No matches could be found.
Ring 999,Stan called childishly.Mary obeyed and soon the ambulance drew up.
In ran Dave the trisexual paramedic.
Is it your chair? he enquired wildly.
No,it’s this cake.We can’t light the candles on it.Shall we douse it in petrol? We have a jerry can full of it in the spare room.
That is very dangerous,he shouted.
Well,we are old now and need the car badly.Risk assessment gave us evens on the odds.
Dave produced a silver lighter and lit the candles.Then he conducted them all as they sang,
”Happy Birthday” to Stan.Stan managed to blow out 90 candles before passing out on the rug.
Well,at least he didn’t break the chair,Mary said philosophically.
I wish he had,said Dave. I’ve got some superglue here.
Well,we do have a wardrobe that’s falling apart.would you like to mend it?
Sure ,he replied gratefully.This is why we have the NHS!
We are here for you 24/7
Or come to A and E if you get a mouth ulcer or a cold sore.No problem is too small!
Stan came to on the rug with Emile beside him.He gazed deeply into the cat’s green eyes.
I think I’ve fallen in love with you,he informed the Emile.
Will you sleep with me and let Mary have your basket.
Are we engaged,said Emile.
Definitely,said Stan.I’ll get you a golden collar with diamonds on it.
When shall we be married?
As soon as it’s legal,Stan answered honestly.
In the meantime,we’ll have to live in sin.
Then he fell asleep again with Emile in his arms.
What a lovely picture, cried the ladies.
Look at this.What a happy sight.
What love,what devotion.
How strange,what a commotion.
They’re in love,what emotion.
Don’t tell the Pope,we need caution
How to open boxes when your fingers are weak
How to read letters when your eyes can’t focus at any distance
How to apologise for actions you could not help
How not to scream in the night when you don’t remember who you are or where
How to sleep alone when the cat dies and you can’t walk a dog or even walk at all
How to decide whether to tell anybody these things
Or whether they’re better off without knowing
Or even without you
And you have no gun anyway
You don’t even know how to load one.
Then the sun shines early in the morning
The birds sing with pure amazement
And then you start singing too
In a squeaky voice
And the handyman grins
And everything is alright, really
In some fundamental sense
As it always was
But you didn’t register it
You buy some tools for the disabled
And a stand for the kettle
A radio for the demented
Just to keep ahead of the game
We spend 6 months of our life
Looking for lost items
Give everything away
If anyone wants it.
Resign yourself to loss
Feel good with emptiness
And let the light shine in
Say hello to someone
Or pray .
Its a one way journey every day
We are actors in an unknown play
How shall we find our words what shall we say?
What will follow death our certain fate?
I run ahead not wishing to be late
Yet agitation is no friend to man
Take this life as slowly as you can
See azaleas, smell the perfumed air
Take off your clothes.it’s better to be bare,
My doctor loves me when it’s a fine day
My doctor loves me when I’m far away.
He likes to do my blood pressure so much
He ran to me when I was in our church.
I said,oh go away and wait your turn
Some men are so very slow to learn
He stood behind me listening to me breathe
I asked him once again if he would leave.
He whispered little nothings in my ear
In a church it’s bad for men to leer.
So now I am an atheist at home
The Pope’s unhappy
Let him stay in Rome
When the Pope’s a lady I might change
In religion I enjoy free rang
T
Petal
Though the berry’s rich and sweet
As are its siblings from bright flowers
The old blackbird disdains to eat
Like a human in defeat
Paralysed, inert for hours
Though their life is rich and sweet.
From outer life, they now retreat
Yet the mind has purpose, power
So the dark bird will not eat.
The conscious mind in its conceit
Thinks it’s all and then will cower
Sad, since life is clear and sweet.
Still, within my heart will beat
And petals decorative shower
Oh, the dark bird will not eat.
All around, mature trees tower
Yet the human world’s impure
While the berries are still sweet
The old blackbird, in hate, won’t eat
The mayor of the besieged Ukrainian city of Mariupol said there was heavy fighting at the Azovstal steel works where the city’s last defenders and some civilians are holding out, Reuters reports.
Contact has been lost with the Ukrainian fighters still in the Azovstal steel plant, where more than 30 children are among those still awaiting evacuation, mayor says
Madness is rare in individuals – but in groups, parties, nations, and ages it is the rule.
I wanted to flee to the mountains
My mind would not leave me alone
I hid in a cave as a tempest raved
The wind whistled into my bones
After the storm there was fire
The fire that burns deep in the soul
I stood as the flames flickered over
The Cave was fit only for ghouls
With my candle I looked at the shadows
I wandered about like a ghost
I abandoned my thoughts and my writing
He spoke to me in the deep dark
Only when all good’s been taken
When despair is too happy a word
The spirit flies over the water
On the wings of the tiniest bird
Mary was sitting at her desk trying to decide whether to throw out a book called Schrodinger ‘s equation for idiots.The title had more than one meaning, she thought to herself.
I think that is for the recycling bin, she told her cat, Emile.What a pity you can’t read.You could have read it.
I don’t want to read stuff like that.I only like Dad’s cartoon books.
Where are they, Mary asked him, her eyes shining like melting Danish butter on a hot croissant?
They are in that plastic box in the kitchen, Emile told her.I read them at night.
How can you read if there is no light?Please don’t start sinning as I don’t want you to have to become a Catholic.
I can’t become a Catholic, said Emile.I am Jewish.
Well, St Paul was Jewish, Mary told him.Until he had an epileptic fit .
So having a fit can make you a Christian.That is very strange, the black cat told her with a twinkle in his eyes
Well, it’s not automatic, Mary replied.You have to pay
.What, pay to become a Christian, I don’t believe Jesus would like that.
Well , he may be quite indulgent, sometimes Mary giggled.However, the Vatican and its wealth might not be quite what he was thinking of when he gave the Sermon on the Mount.
What sort of mount was it , Emile enquired.Was it a horse?
No, it was more likely to have been a donkey as he was poor, you know
But he had things money can’t buy, the cat said philosophically.Like women who poured oil over his feet.What sort was it,?Was it like that stuff Stan put in the car engine sometimes?
Don’t be so ridiculous.It was olive oil, Mary told him
Can we prove that, Emile murmured? His feet were no salad
No, I am using inductive reasoningMary stated logically.Olive trees are grown in that part of the world even now.
What is inductive reasoning, Emile mewed
Why it’s the opposite of deductive reasoning, of course, Mary stated flatly
I am glad I can’t read, Emile said.
It’s bad for you to have to learn all of that.It was ok for the ancient Greeks.They had no televisions.I’d rather watch Andrea Bocelli and Hayley Westenra singing Vivo per lei.Whatever that means.She is from New Zealand by the way.
What difference does that make Mary teased him?
No need to be rude, Emile cried.I was only passing a remark
That was what Stan’s mother used to say when he told her off for saying my maple mousse was like something out of a tin.
Where was it from?The Joy of Cookery. a big American cook book or maybe Jewish Cookery by Florence Greenberg or Marks and Spencers
Did you get that book because I am Jewish, Emile purred?
No, I didn’t even know you were.How did it happen?
My mother was living with a Rabbi in Liverpool and he told her she could not miaow on the Sabbath so she kind of assumed she was Jewish.As for my father.. nobody knows.
Emile, don’t start saying you are the Messiah.I have enough trouble already.I don’t want you to be walking on water and helping women taken in adulteryI
was not me who took them, said Emile.I don’t even know where Adultery is.
I think I’ll ring 999.We need help before we go mad.
Sometimes going mad seems the better option, Mary said sadly.A few voices telling me what to do might be helpfulAs long as they are not Michael Grove and Horace Watson, Emile replied. And so say all of us
Would you buy yourself an I Pad but buy your poorer brother a Kindle Fire for his 65th birthday?
There is the One who silently perceives.
And the one who talks who may deceive.
The silent One is shy and does not boast.
The one who speaks out does not always know
Mary had ordered all of her groceries but she forgot to put tea on the list So she sent Emile to the corner shop with a note tied to his collar
Please give the bearer your best tea.
Emile went off and managed to get into the shop after some children who were getting sweets with their pocket money or debit cards
He went up to the counter and mewed, Mother has sent you a note.
One of the children laughed
Is your mother a girlfriend of Mr. Kumar?
No, she is not, Emile growled with a loud throbbing voice
Mr. Kumar led Emile behind the counter into his living room and spoke to his wife
She asked Emile to sit down as she went into the kitchen and poured him some tea from her China teapot
.Do you want it on a saucer, she enquired thoughtfully?
Yes, please, said Emile. This is very kind.
He leaped onto the rug and began sipping the Ceylon tea. This makes a change, he murmured.
I didn’t know you could just walk in and get free tea!
After a few minutes, the shop door crashed open and he heard Mary’s voice
Oh, Mr. Kumar, I am so stupid. I sent Emile out to buy some Twinings tea and he has not come home! What shall we do? She started crying and dabbing her eyes with Stan’s hanky.
Come through, he whispered politely. Do not weep, dear. All is well
Mary came in and saw Emile drinking his tea and winking at Mrs. Kumar.
Emile, you stupid cat. I was going crazy worrying.I’ll strangle you!
Is it my fault, he replied. I only gave them that note you sent.
But is it not obvious what I intended? she said plaintively
These days you never know, the cat muttered. I try to be obedient as far as I can.
Mrs. Kumar came out and gave Mary a cup of tea.
Sit down, dear. Worry is so bad for you. Why did you not phone us?
Since it was just a packet of tea I thought Emile could carry it. He is very intelligent normally.
Yes, I am, thought Emile as he looked at Maisie, the Kumar’s lovely cat who was asleep on a chair.
I wonder if I can wake her up, he asked himself.
Does she drink tea?
Would she like to start a family? It’s not too late for me to become a parent.
Maisie opened her eyes
What’s that cat doing here?
I only came for the tea, Emile told her. But you look very beautiful. Shall we meet tonight
I’m washing my fur, she told him with a smile
How about tomorrow?
Have you got a phone?
No, he said, I’ll just caterwaul at dusk and if you are free I’ll be under the red maple tree waiting for you
Good grief thought Mary.
This cat is very cunning. Just one chance and he is making the most of it.
Mr. Kumar gave her some tea and she wandered home in a daze after asking them for a drink on Sunday.
My social life is looking up but there’s no-one who will hug me. If only Emile were bigger!
His legs are too short!I should get a donkey instead
Moaning and mourning by Ned Single
The noisy way to grieve.
Why should I have a stiff upper lip?
Or frozen eyes?
Let it flow like welcome rain
Until we gladly meet again
Remember crying produces a lot of tears.So buy some tissues.
They gave me the third degree today at work
What were the other two?
My first degree was in Biology and. Creative Love
I don’t believe you
I have never been good at telling lies
That’s not true.You need more practice that is all
I don’t want to do it
Alright.What is your second degree
It’s a diploma.
What for?
Piano playing
You don’t even have a piano.
It’s virtual.
So is the diploma.
In my dreams
poem,image
I get out my sewing gear
I hold my soul so carefully
I hope that light will come to me.
I take my needle out
With love thread through its heart
I scrutinise each inch
And I write them down in rhymes.
Keep the cocoon whole
Till the soul’s completely there,
Then through its love sewn cloth
The sun is rising though it seems a struggle. .
Clouds have gathered quietly
see them huddle
How my heart sings 