Doctor, where is my appendix?
I think it’s on the table.
I thought it was inside my body
Yes, so is the table.
Did you put it in?
No, it was an error
I hate those Errors coming here and getting free housing and cash
They are native.
That’s even worse.I hate natives
So where do you come from?
The Isle of Man
Well, go back and take your prejudice with you
Where can I find it?
Look within



Doctor I have a bunion
Don’t tell anyone else or they will want one
I have two
Sell one

Doctor are you Turkish?
No, but Boris Johnson is
So why is he here?
That’s what we all wonder


Doctor, did you vote Leave?
I am not a psychiatrist.
I can’t even spell it.
Well,can you spell Depart?
it sounds French
Escape?
I am no criminal
Flee?
What, I’m not an asylum seeker
We used to have a real Asylum in London
But that was only for lunatics
Well,anyone who wants to be here now seems like a lunatic
Like Boris’s great grand dad?
Where did they get their money?
From a Laundry.
I only use one to wash my clothes
You must be more inventive
I am 101, you know.
I don’t know
Well, you do now.

Good morning,Ms Brown
Gosh,you are so utterly politically correct ,doctor
In my view,it matters only for us to be medically correct,dear.And grammatically,of course.
How true, noble sire.
Now, what’s the problem today,madame?
It’s my nerves,doctor.I hate them so much I feel almost  derisory..which is totally crackers nowadays with so many street drugs to take one’s mind out of this world.
What’s wrong with your nerves to make you feel like this all of a sudden?
I think they are too big,mein herr.Can I have plastic surgery on them to replace then with plastic ones .I mean artificial like dentures are for teeth that drop out?
My dentist tells me my nerves are double the average size. for humans
But what is the standard deviation? Averages are no use alone.I wish people learned this in school
How dare you say that! I have never deviated in any way.And I’ve never been average… and surely double the average size must mean something gross is going on?
What a pity this is.You are a very charming and glamorous lady…I say that only to comfort you,not to seduce you which is illegal anyway,even if I wanted to do.Which I deny absolutely;
Well,my nerves feel like long wild grasses waving in a cold westerly breeze in a great big meadow in Hartland,North Devon where many lips have cracked.And sailors drowned off shore too…why some even drowned on the shore and their ghosts still wander below the sheer and terrifying cliffs of alabaster and silver.
Have you ever though of writing narrative or lyrical poetry or even romantic novels?
What,write poetry with nerves like this?Do you think I’m a masochist or what?
Well, you could try using a pen or a keyboard,you know. Now,God has given some of us larger nerves than others.It’s an evolutionary advantage to have some sensitive people about,like the canaries in the coal mines.They feel trouble coming before the rest of humankind
That’s hardly any use to me as I am childless and can’t pass it on.
God didn’t know that when he created you.Or if he did,he knew with nerves like this motherhood would be perilous and at least you can be a human canary
Well,is there any surgery to help me or any other amelioration to my symptoms?
Apart from removing your head there’s not much I can suggest at this moment in time,right now, if you want a verdict.Perhaps you can plant some wild flowers amid these long waving grasses and enjoy the beauty that you will perceive in summertime if you can be patient
You’re an odd doctor compared to the usual one.
Actually I’m really the computer repair man.The system has crashed and so has the doctor…temporarily
I knew you looked different but I put it down to my giant nerves disturbing my vision…
So will you come back to see the doctor later?He is just in the pub drinking blackcurrant liqueur for his nerves!
What’s it got to do with you if I come back again or not?
I love your mind,I love your body .I love your tentacles,receptacles and all your past and future particles.I love every bit of you especially your nerves.I always liked a woman with very big nerves.
Really? Well,that’s cheered me up a great deal.I like the beast in man.How about my wild grasses?
I love those too.Why,I’d like to lie down amongst them if you catch my drift.
Can you read between the lines or write between them?
Have you ever thought of taking up psychotherapy?
I prefer to help computers.Hearing sad stories from disturbed folk all day must be draining as you can’t run out when you get overwhelmed like you can at parties
Yes,but it would be horribly fascinating to hear all these stories.And now I am off to the garden centre to buy some flower seeds.
I’d give you some seeds myself but it would be wrong to sow your field here in this office and the doctor might come in any time now which would be a trifle unseemly.
Well,he could sow his wild oats as well!
What a wicked woman you are;I love your mind.You seem quite out of the orddinary… please keep your big nerves.
I am only offering this with the aim of calming those huge nerves .I am not thinking of enjoying lust or of how romantic you seem and how artistically  brilliantlu you are dressed and your golden curls and blue clothes.And your cleverness.
I quite understand.I shall keep it all under my hat. if you see what I mean
It’s an amazing red hat.Are you a Cardinal?
No,I stole it off one
I’d love to hear the whole story….who,when and where?
Well,I hope to publish it on Swindle soon.
We can’t wait.

Neither can I

Would you enjoy the sight of lions strong
In a new arena eating men ?
Would God say killing Leaders is quite wrong?

Well, maybe a wild beast could bite a blond
Take him in his jaws back to his den
Would you enjoy such sights of wild beasts strong?

Hitler had some theologians hanged
He killed six million Jews, before the end
Would God say killing Leaders would be wrong?

Stalin killed far more ,his reign was long
Do you still think Utopia can be planned?
Would you enjoy such sights of wild beasts strong?

In the USA are caged the young
The infant Mexicans,oh Trump is grand
Would God say killing Leaders would be wrong?

Jesus’ words are read and out are flung
In England once a green and pleasant land
Would you stand by the Cross where Jesus hung?

To me and all our kind extend your hand
Do not stick your own heart in the sand
The bells of heaven gone, the church doors clanged
Would you say to kill a Leader’s wrong