You may not be able to play the piano but you can play on a piano or if it is grand,in a piano. or even with a piano if it is no too large
or next to a piano
even underneath a piano
On top of a piano too!
How many other objects are so versatile?
But two pianos can’t play with each other though they could be played together by 2 pianists
Rather expensive to arrange though
As for three pianos,don’t you agree I have said enough?

Love your neighbor in her bikini:A sinful tale

Beware of getting into hot water in your bikini
A few weeks after Annie moved into the  lovely house next door to Stan,he met her when he was seeing his wife off to work.
Why does Mary not have a car? Annie enquired suspiciously.
She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her.
Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically.
She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously
That’s true,muttered Annie loudly.I am your new next door neighbor.
Yes,said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikinis.
How come? she asked merrily yet sternly
There’s a big hole in the fence.He said
Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence?asked Annie.I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows.
Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea.How about women looking at men through a round hole in a fence or square one?
Oh,they are not  very keen to do that,she lied charmingly.
Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you.
Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily.What do you mean,you owe it to yourself? she continued in a puzzled tone.
Nothing,said Stan,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing so well in the bath.I can hear you.
You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me?
Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her kindly
And you can take advantage of me, he said I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat Emile to do statistics on an i pad.
How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads.
Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently.
True,she said,but where are their I’s?
Where are our I’s ? he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgley or Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics.
Not that he practised the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wrong.It’s more fun that way.If you sin,sin big!
A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong? Surely it’s better than killing people,making war  or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar?
Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practising Catholic was a womaniser despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute!
Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed?The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero?
I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor. Like,how about the confessional in the local Church?
Whatever next?

I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun.
Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man 

I loved him so much, but he said I was the Gorgon personified.Would you say that to a woman?
Why did he not notice it at first rather than asking me to send him a photo of myself wearing red underwear or even not wearing it
Men don’t understand that red runs in the washing machine and I don’t want red shirts looling like tie dye whenI give a lecture on “The mean average and what it means to mankind ” and then get called politically incorrect when I am teaching something useful.
I like grey underwear as it stops me worrying about my whites not being white enough.Do they think I am not a vestal virgin?
I also have grey sheets on my bed as the cats like grey, in fact they are grey
On the other strand I do like a bright winter coat to make others cheerful
Yes, my thesis was published but I am no Martin Luther.Noone understood mine
which was good as one Reformation was more than enough

What do you mean, the food is burned? I was caramelising the onions.You do it or cook me a meal in bed,sorry, instead
Freud, it’s lucky he is dead.what would he call me? The hound woman
The horse frightener?
I gave my best and will give it a rest