If you recall dreams it can be helpful.If I dream of injured cats it means I am in a bad way whereas happy cats mean I am ok inside.
For 3 months I dreamed I was with my husband in a strange place trying to find the car park to get into the car so we could get home.But every corner we turned only gave us yet another unknown road.He was holding my hand and seemed very anxious.
I have read a few books written by widows and I felt a bit ashamed as I did not throw myself onto my husband and scream and cry before or after he died.I felt it was my job to help him to go.The doctor said I was too fragile but I feel it was much better for me to be with him.I held his hand.Then the nurses got more blankets as he grew colder.I fed him a little by playing a game…1 2 3 open the door.He opened his mouth and ate some fish.I thought madly,is he getting better, but he was just being “good” for me and maybe his mother.Some days he thought I was his mother but I never said anything.It got hard when he asked me where I spent my honeymoon..I said I couldn’t remember.He also seemed very puzzled why I had not married again.He clearly thought I was very attractive… more so than when I was myself,I think!!Still,a bit late for all that.
I felt no fear until after he died.I sat there for 2 hours.I got up and I confess the thought of coming home was truly horrible.Suddenly my sisrer appeared.As she lives 200 miles away I was astounded.She hates motorways but some instinct made her come even though she didn’;t know just how bad he was.He was dead by then but she asked to sit with him alone to pray.It was very brave of her because after 2.5 hours he was very white and looked odd.She advised me not to see his body again.To me he had gone… like a bird flying away.
My nephew and niece came and sitting drinking tea with them was good because I think I had gone almost too far into the valley of the shadow of death and was unsure what to do or how to leave it..They looked so full of vitality it helped me a lot.
Although I am glad I helped him it still hurts a lot but the dreams give me hope.They are changing now to being about my mother.
BTW I have promised not to remarry just yet.As my mother said,Chance would be a fine thing.
How my heart sings 