Mary liked that moment on Xmas Eve when at last she closed and locked the front door after Stan had carried in the last bit of shopping and the shops would close for a while
Although many shops only close for one day now,there is a still a feeling in many women’s hearts that they must stock up with all conceivable food and drink.At one time Stan baked bread so there was no panic buying of elderly, sliced loaves from newsagents’ shops,just in case the real bread ran out. After all one might eat fried mince pies and eggs for breakfast or curried Christmas cake with brown rice and bananas in lemon juice for dinner.
Man cannot live by bread alone and here we can all agree even if we are not religious.
Mary walked down the hall and into the green and blue striped kitchen. I’ll make a good cup of tea now,she cried to Stan.
Thanks,honey. he replied in his kindly way.Any choccy biscuits?
Stan loved a chocolate biscuit but parsimony made Mary refuse to buy them weekly.And also Stan himself believes that if you eat something every week it’s no longer such a treat. Mary poured the boiling water into the tea pot and at the same moment she heard a familiar voice.
Hi,Stan,Hi Mary,can I come in and have a chat now?
It was Annie their stunningly beautiful female neighbour wearing a long green tartan wool skirt and a cashmere and merino jumper of ocean blue. Her eyeshadow was teal and her lipstick was pale pink and shiney like a well polished mirrror.Who knows what it was made of?
Why Annie,you match the kitchen,said Stan.You will have to move in. Where would I sleep? she enquired roguishly
In the dog’s basket.It’s quite big… it was made for a St Bernard
You don’t have any dog,Annie cried through her luscious wasp stung pink glowing lips.
There’s no law that stops cat owners buying dog baskets.Stan said humorously.
But it seems silly to me,Annie murmured.A waste of money.
Well,we did think that if someone wanted to stay over they could sleep in it.
What a strange idea when you have a five bedroomed house with 3 en suites and a sprinkler in the garden.
Well,we had the dog basket when we lived in a small flat and have never updated our mental set ups.Stan lectured manfully.
How do we update our mental set ups,asked Mary with a twinkle in her large blue and singularly beautiful eyes.
Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child.
Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror.
Annie chimed in
Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me in his shrubbery,
Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself now I expect.
How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself.
This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic..
Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily
Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously.
I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them.
All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals?
Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother.
Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all.
But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where the humans only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated.
I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently.
I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats.
Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary..
What do you mean ?
Jewish men sometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery..
I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy.
Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile.
No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens,.
You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.He told her.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are too wet
Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously.I am shocked by your bold talk.
We can sing acarol said Stan.Here is my newest.
Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall…..
Hark the herald angel’s twang He’s from Gateshead,am I wrong?
Silence is golden,but my heart’s still blue. I had pneumonia,how about you?
Away with a stranger,no crib by the bed. I saw his hanky and it was bright red.
God test you sorry gentlemen,let bath salts now be sprayed.
Silent knight, please do alight.
We three kings all boring and bare.
Oh,come all ye hateful.Fall into the duckpond.
I saw an angel in the tree.I looked up and there hvye bee
There is a green pill close at hand and it will give me rest
.[A tranquilliser it may be but some find brandy’s best.]
What an friend we have in Yehoshua.He will speak when he is born.
There is no rose of much virtue.
The holly killed the ivy.When they were both full grown
While leopards sllcked their locks by night,all pleated as we found.