What I’d do

If I could walk I’d go outside the house

I’d like to see a cat play with a mouse.

If I could walk I’d like to see more flowers

I’d sit with them for ever and an hour

If I could write, I’d know just what to say

Ditto if I felt the need to pray.

If i I could write well I would write a novel

Otherwise I’ll make a lot of trouble.


The born after pill

The patient had 2 cornflakes for breakfast so we are optimistic she will gain weight.

Mary said she wanted knickers so I lifted up her nightdress She was correct.She has made a complaint.

What about?

This lady won’t judge our bed.

This patient likes rubber mattresses and other forms of rubber.

Can we report it?

She likes toast for curing be her severe introspection.

She had a big lump on her foot which has disappeared since she stopped stalking.

Shall I send a retort in?

She says love cures all ills so wants to go on the pill.I won’t

Her surgery was completed after she suffocated so she will look good in her coffin.

The stitches will be covered by lace frills.

People don’t heal after death in most cases

This man is hungry at all mealtimes.Can we give him any blood?

This diabetic lady is not having twins.She has needles and pins.

I have known her as far as I could.She is unwilling to leave.

Can you give her contraception or a born after pill?

Dave brings some rock


By Mike Flemming.Copyright

Stan was cleaning the windows with a microfibre cloth when he saw Annie climbing up her apple tree wearing a pink jumpsuit and yellow blouse.

He ran out and called
What on earth are you doing?
I am trying to see what I used to do as a child!
But suppose you fall out?
I have a parachute on, she quipped humorously
There won’t be time to open it! Stan shouted
Annie came down and stood by the fence
How about a cup of tea, she murmured fractiously
Yes,I shall make some, Stan cried warningly
Annie sat down on an old chair which Stan thought was real leather but she could tell it was made of plastic coated with imitation rubber.The coffee table was full of pens and mugs
I bet Mary will be angry, she whispered.
No, the pens belong to her.If I move them she’ll be annoyed
How can you dust?
I never knew I needed to dust the table!
You must dust everything, she muttered roguishly
How about the ceiling?
I saw you have a stick with feathers on the end.Use that.
I wanted to do my Account book.i don’t like you bossing me about.Telling me to buy some new shoes and so on.
The line,I am only trying to help almost emerged from Annie’s lips.She went into the bijou emerald green kitchen and found some tea
They sat down and looked at photos on their Windows phones.
Mary looks very happy on the cliffs at Flamborough,Stan called
I remember, it was that hot summer in 1990.The cliffs at Bembridge are good for watching birds
Sea birds I presume,Annie winked.
What do you mean? Stan was suspicious
For all you know she might have been looking at women in bikinis,
Don’t be so daft, she is not a lesbian
Not yet,Annie said
Come one let’s look at the Underground map
Are we going to London?
We might go to see an Exhibition when Mary is at her conference.Or sail down to Greenwich
That would be super fun,shouted Annie,the heat of her excitement making her foundation cream Double First by Mixed Hectors of Harris and Wigan melt and run across her face,defying the law of gravity.
Let’s go soon
Emile woke up.I have no food left he cried.
Here, have some roast beef,Stan ordered him gently
How about a potato? the cat asked
Cats don’t eat potatoes!
You never know.I might be the first, he was informed
Cream is said to be popular with cats,Stan replied softly
OK. But not on the beef.I’ll have it later
Just then the doorbell rang
It was Dave, the handsome paramedic.I have been to North Norfolk and brought some rock
We are too old to eat rock
Actually since you have dentures it is ok.It’s only dangerous if you break a tooth
I wonder what Mary might say if I said we were having Rock for dinner.
She might ask if it has protein in it.We need protein
Well make some egg salad for afters then rice pudding
I don’t think rock is good for much really.I can’t imagine who invented it
And so say all of us