My news

Dear All

Well, I don’t write a  letter very often, but after finding a replica of my old pen on E bay I decided to do a Round Robin.
First of all, none of my children have got into Oxford or Cambridge nor have my grandchildren.They are all on the dim side but that is how I like them.I think IQ is very over rated and as mine is 65 you realise I am a mere imbecile and so my ten children take after me.
They all got degrees from places I’d never heard of like Chester, Bolton, Ormskirk, and Hendon.However, as I once lost a job offer from a well known university because I wore an engagement ring I kind of thought being a low flyer might be better.
My brother is very kind.He is changed very much since we were adolescents when he was too put it mildly a pain.He has now told me I am in the top 1% of intelligence in the world.Imagine 99% of the world’s population has an IQ of 64 or less.Don’t expect an imbecile to explain that
I can believe it about our delightful politicians,  Horace Yawnsome and their ilk.
My children have done well.One is a violinist in Berlin.As I never go there I cannot be sure if she is lying but she does speak good German or for all I know it might be Yiddish as my great aunt was familiar with that old tongue.
Perhaps my daughter is really playing the Jewish harp in a liberal Synagogue.And believe me, it would have to be very liberal to let that flame haired temptress near any married man.Is it her fault she is so attractive?After all, she is my daughter and blew dry every hair daily as a teen
My eldest son  had to  fail an exam before he was accepted at Ormskirk Dental School.You see with 21 GCSE’s grade A star they wanted him to go to Cambridge but he  knew his own limits.He preferred being near the great Nature  Reserves of the estuary of the Mersey and Nature and its exploration has kept him busy.Why he even spends whole days in the Mersey Tunnel.
He said he wants to find the Universiy of New Brighton but he is still in the tunnel.I said I’d buy him a van but he prefers walking everywhere and camping on the verges of the road maybe giving relief to a few virgins en passant.Being a virgin nowadays is very hard socially.But as a Spanish waiter once said to me ” One virgin is very hard to find” Maybe two is easier.
My second daughter is married and lives in Poole. She often walks around the Isle of Purbeck with the triplets in her back pack.How her husband stands her I cannot get.She is lazy and unable to cook even frozen chips.However, the babies are still on the breast and there is a McDonald#s nearby.Her Ph.D was on “Cats in Modern Physics”.She had a wonderful tutor at Wigan University.Why, he married her! Then he got a job in Bournemouth.How she snagged him I do not know but her thesis was the first of its kind.Now everyone is doing animals in abstract mathematics.
Well, it’s time for me to warm my frozen pizza on the fire so I’ll leave the rest for next time.
Au  revoir
Kristy Krasse


Engagement with fidelity

Being married means  using larger sheets  on the same bed
Being a widow means  losing engagement with reality
Getting married again is  cheaper than before,You can even make money from selling  one set of cutlery to anyone who knows what it is.Not to mention  learning how to lie with a straight face while he tickles your  fancy.
Can one have an imaginary partner and use a real engaement ring?
Engagement ring, engagement wrong.Why do it again?
Being able to listen enhances  many  marriages whilst being a shock treatment for the rest.
Would I marry again? I’m at  a loss.
Would I have been better as a spinster? The  useless question. 

A parrot, well brought up, can mimic chat

I went  into your study, found a cat
Black with shining fur and amber eyes
She ran with startling speed ,near knocked me flat

I found your weekend bag and your sun hat
A tear ran down my face, then multiplied
I went  into your study, found a cat

I wondered who composed  the “tit for tat”
And whether any animal could lie.
Puss ran with startling speed ,near knocked me flat

A parrot well brought up can mimic chat
Some live parrots  love to rise and fly.
I went  into your study, found a cat

My previous cat would try to catch a gnat
There is no flesh on gnats,I used to say.
Puss ran with startling speed ,near knocked me flat

I kneel down  here and wonder how to pray
I shall not see my spouse on earth again
I went  into your study, found a cat
Who shot with startling speed across the mat


After 30 minutes have past I get panes in my gut



While I sniff at my lily of the valley soap from Yardley, I am thinking of  the spelling mistakes I am reading

M & S tell me

After 30 minutes have past you cannot change your order
Surely it is passed? Minutes pass.. pass is a verb.

Top Newspapers
Yesterday a journalist wrote  about putting someone  in a straightjacket

I think it should be straitjacket  and  probably is derived from Strait
If someone has a good degree, you’d expect them to know but
I find myself  making spelling mistakes when typing but not when using a pen

strait is a naturally formed, narrow, typically navigable waterway that connects two larger bodies of water. Most commonly it is a channel of water that lies between two land masses.

Strait - Wikipedia

Some I made up

She suffers stomach panes
Can you see inside her?

He had a paned expression
Flat and made of glass?

I find love is full of panes
Draw the curtains!

She  past out  when she  took too much GNT

Where is your husband?
Oh, he has past
Past  history?
No,I mean he’s dead,passed on, passed over, passed by

I never knew your son had past history
He passed geography as well
But he’s been in jail
Not because he passed geography?
No,  because he stole a hearse
Difficult to get away with that
He hid in the coffin
Lucky he was not cremated!

I like strait skirts on slim ladies
Is it bondage?

You must stand up  strait.
That is hard when chained,

We sailed straight through Dover
You mean the Straits of Dover,I guess.

I past all my exams
Except English, they saw you hiding

Widen oh my eye, let colour play

From the Knott, we see this Morecambe Bay
We  eye the gentle  meadows where sheep roam
Across the sea the Lakeland Hills arrayed

From  a   town of mills to this display
The joy of beauty on  this scale unknown
From the Knott,hypnotic Morecambe Bay

Widen oh my eye, let colour play
The  green, the blue, the purple, white the foam
Across the sea the Lakeland Hills arrayed

The River Kent pours out its water,sighs
The viaduct excites the child with charm
From the Knott, we see grand  Morecambe Bay

At last we understand  true life  divine
From the train, we see the sea alarmed
Across the  Bay the Langdale Pikes align

For a while, forget the world, its harms
Let the air and water be our balm
From the Knott, we see vast Morecambe Bay
Across the sea the Lakeland Hills survey