You can buy a yellow jumper in Marks and Sparks A padded jacket but no cover for a heart You get imitation leather,you get imitation wool You can go out shopping till your head is full.
There’s a polyester nightdress,there ‘re plastic boots Don’t wear a holster , the police might shoot Getting into bed with your cute nylon sheets Your lover is electric but very discreet Imitation cashmere, imitation food A roast beef dinner for one sounds lewd Imitation chocolate,imitation fur Imitation politics and uncombed hair An imitation Royal,a funeral to share Imitation music,imitation care Don’t fall down if you’re out alone An imitation human rings an imitation home
The glare of yellow street lamps on the snow The thick green hedge where cats curled up to die The ice and frost above, the worms below.
The tarmaced road,the sidewalks, seem to glow No pleasure comes from neon lights so high Oh, stare of yellow street lamps on the snow
As the red sun dies, our blood won’t flow Take an aspirin, calm’s a good ally The ice and frost above, the soul below
Bare my feet and numb are all my toes My socks are holed.I’m darned if I know why Oh, glare of yellow street lamps on the snow
My nails are thick like monsters’ fearsome claws Podiatry is hard to get,I’ve tried The ice and frost above, the souls sleep slow
The world is puzzled, minds are all awry There’s nothing in a shop but rot to buy The glare of yellow street lights on the snow The ice and frost above, the dead below.
I realise my bad experience at the hospital will mean doctors in Urgent Care will get more training on angina especially atypical. That is going to help many people in the future. Even save lives
How this hyperactive mind gives pain Causes sadness and decline in health. We curse misfortune, thinking and our brain
Surely we must tell ourselves quite plain Monologues internal tend to bolt We think and think and then we think again
How we love to suffer and find fault How treacherously we hurl ourselves to guilt We suffer the misfortune of a brain We think and think unless our mind is tamed
In my soul, the nerves are very long I feel your pain,my own and everyone’s Why must artists suffer as they sing?
On the wall their watercolours hang From disordered blotches patterns spring In my mind, the thoughts are very long
Of our hearts, we need them to expand To see and make our visions can’t be wrong Why must artists suffer as they sing? We use our minds, we use our eyes and hands Critics’ cruelty gives us mighty stings In my mind, the threads are very long
On the sea shore,treasure lies in sand Gulls soar squawking over seaborn fronds Why do artists stutter as they sing?
To this earth we shall not freeze or cling By the sea edge, shells laugh in the wind In our flesh, the nerves are fine yet strong Artists suffer but they make their songs
Look,I am on earth, with love endeared My birth was registered in copper plate Mother,father,love made lace by fear
Mother smiles yet as I suck she tears Who shall I become, what is my fate Look,I am on earth, oh love so dear
Father should be strong, for he must steer Yet soon he will be gone, for heaven late Mother,father,love made lace by fear
After that our tiny boat would veer Mother weeps and mourns,nowhere is safe Look,I am on earth, was love too dear?
In the paper on the wall, elves sneer Mother cries because I break a plate Mother,father,love made lace by fear
Here is Jesus on his cross,side pierced Where will he lie now, has he no grave? Look,we are on earth,was love too dear?
By the bed, ghosts wander through his place Mother sleeps a little,then she wakes Look,I am on earth, their love endured Mother,father, sad love weeps your tears
I lingered in ambiguity like a bride Who fears disclosing that her face is fake And while we’re on the subject, I take pride In mixing water colours from the lake
Ambiguous in intentions we don’t know We send out signals full of world slass news If this rebounds an artist might then show Our vision centres on our point of view
Seventeen types of clarity are mine Fifteen from my mind and two from pride From this glass I make a view divine Though Sunday someone said they thought I lied.
Ambiguously enchanted, given bail We try to glimpse another through their veil
open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations; equivocal:an ambiguous answer.Linguistics. (of an expression) exhibiting constructional homonymity; having two or more structural descriptions, as the sequence Flying planes can be dangerous.of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify:a rock of ambiguous character.lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct:an ambiguous shape; an
a. Non-spatio-temporal. The prevalent sense of ‘abstract’ in the Anglosphere is: not located in space or in time. Candidates for abstract status in this sense: sets, numbers, propositions, unexemplified universals. The set of prime numbers less than 10 is nowhere to be found in space for the simple reason that it is not in space. If you say it is, then tell me where it is. The same holds for all sets as sets are understood in set theory. (My chess set is not a set in this sense.) Nor are sets in time, although this is less clear: one could argue that they, or rather some of them, are omnitemporal, that they exist at every time. That {1, 3, 5, 7, 9} should exist at some times but not others smacks of absurdity, but it doesn’t sound absurd to say that this set exists at all times.
This wrinkle notwithstanding, sets are among the candidates for abstract status in the (a) sense.
The same goes for numbers. They are non-spatio-temporal.
If you understand a proposition to be the Fregean sense of a declarative sentence from which all indexical elements, including tenses of verbs, have been extruded, then propositions so understood are candidates for abstract status in sense (a).
Suppose perfect justice is a universal and suppose there is no God. Then perfect justice is an unexemplified universal. If there are unexemplified universals, then they are abstract in the (a) sense.
This (a) criterion implies that God is an abstract object. For God, as classically conceived, is not in space or in time, and this despite the divine omnipresence. But surely there is a huge different between God who acts, even if, as impassible, he cannot be acted upon, and sets, numbers, propositions and the like that are incapable of either acting or being acted upon. And so we are led to a second understanding of ‘abstract’ as that which is:
b. Causally inert. Much of what is abstract in the (a) sense will be causally inert and thus abstract in the (b) sense. And vice versa. My cat can bite me, but the set having him as its sole member cannot bite me. Nor can I bite this singleton or toss it across the room, as I can the cat. Sets are abstract in that they cannot act or be acted upon. A less robust way of putting it: Sets cannot be the terms of causal relations. This formulation is neutral on the question whether causation involves agency in any sense.
Stan fell asleep in front of the roaring fire.Emile lay across his lap.Emile was so limp he looked like a wet towel casually over the old man’s knees.It was Stan’s birthday but no party had been arranged.He was struck that Mary had not baked a cake..nor even bought one at the Co-op. That was no surprise really as he did all the cooking including Bakewell tarts and Xmas cake,He was a versatile man who could also mend old radios and fix clocks that were stuck one time….usually th wrong one! He also spent quite a lot of time giving statistics lessons to pensioners and kissinf his blonde mistress,Anne who lived next door. He decided that being so near her was a big advantage, given his age. Suddenly he was awakened by chuckles and giggles, There were Mary and Anne holding a big iced cake and a pot of tea.The doorbell rang and in came all Stan’s friends from his Art class.Mary produced sandwiches and pork pies,sausage rolls and potato cakes. How did you do this ?,he enquired dazedly.ad We did it all in Anne’s oven.She has two so it was quite easy. Mary was not jealous of Anne for Mary would rather read Principia Mathematica than go to bed with Stan. Apparently she was mildly autistic but she was happy doing maths as many of her co-workers had the same syndrome. She did have one daughter whom she had found hidden in a gooseberry bush in the garden.This was enough for Stan as he was 92. But luckily he did have a good gold plated pension of £390.09 per month. Everyone was having a fabulous time until Anne tried to light the candles on the cake.No matches could be found. Ring 999, Stan called childishly.Mary obeyed and soon the ambulance drew up. In ran Dave the trisexual paramedic. Is it your chair? he enquired wildly? No,it’s this cake.We can’t light the candles on it.Shall we douse it in petrol? We have a jerry can full of it in the spare room. That is very dangerous, he shouted. Well,we are old now and need the car badly.Risk assessment gave us evens on the odds. Dave produced a silver lighter and lit the candles.Then he conducted them all as they sang, ”Happy Birthday” to Stan. Stan managed to blow out 90 candles before passing out on the rug. Well,at least he didn’t break the chair,Mary said philosophically. I wish he had,said Dave. I’ve got some superglue here. Well,we do have a wardrobe that’s falling apart.would you like to mend it? Sure ,he replied gratefully.This is why we have the NHS! We are here for you 24/7 Or come to A and E if you get a mouth ulcer or a cold sore.No problem is too small! Stan came to on the rug with Emile beside him.He gazed deeply into the cat’s green eyes. I think I’ve fallen in love with you,he informed Emile. Will you sleep with me and let Mary have your basket.? Are we engaged,said Emile? Definitely, said Stan.I’ll get you a golden collar with diamonds on it. When shall we be married? As soon as it’s legal,Stan answered honestly. In the meantime,we’ll have to live in sin. Then he fell asleep again with Emile in his arms. What a lovely picture, cried the ladies. Look at this.What a happy sight. What love,what devotion. How strange,what a commotion. They’re in love,what emotion. Don’t tell the Pope,we need caution.
So you are gone who once declared your love For that phantasm conjured in your mind For onto me you brought down from above A torment bitter and some words unkind.
Used to friendship from within your books You did not understand that I was real Irritation grew as you did look; You threw your poisoned arrows at my heel.
What once you loved then you began to hate If not perfect then intolerable I must be And then you cursed me with this sorry fate Our child was born and him you’ll never see.
Illegitimate and born in desert grey. I carried him alone from death’s dark way.
In my despair I felt that I was stuck Paralysed by grief and guilt I failed By the end I had tried every trick
From prayer unthought to deeps of logic black My life, my engine ,juddered off the rails I hated God and of “his” Church was sick
Starving and alone I was in shock The death of one I loved had made me frail By the end I had tried every trick
I felt love’s arms around me, death to block I knew this goodness, why else would I wail? I thought I hated God but Love had struck
Warm and golden light that did me hold Where are you now when refugees die cold? Kind despair that made me long time sit By the end I knew Love needs no trick
Hello, mother, cried Emile as Mary came through the front door. What’s happened The doctor was not wearing a mask and she says I have to go out and play Bingo That seems odd. Mary made them both pilchard sandwiches topped with vanilla ice cream.And wondere what was wrong with her Suddenly she realised the pain had a curious intensity, like she had felt in her teeth /jaw just before an angina attack Out came the GNT spray which she aimed under her tongue,using Guy’s Hospital method Wow,said Emile.That looks weird.Can I have some? Emile, it is what bombs are made of.It could kill a cat In a few minutes the pain was gone and Mary felt relieved though angry In ran Annie in pink leisure clothes and green Mary Jane shoes I like your shoes,Mary said.Where did you get them? I found then at the back of the wardrobe I think I shall look in my wardrobe, though some shoes I had kept for best disintegrated Where? I was having tea with Dorothy.I looked down and saw lots of black spots on her carpet.It was the soles of my shoes.She was very kind and just got her dust pan and brush I think we should wear the things we love now, not save them for some imaginary future,Annie murmured like a pike that has just seen Ted Hughes in its dreams Guess what I have bought,Mary cried A new mug? No, a coat the colour of dark grey stone wallss I don’t like the sound of that.Shall we call Dave? No, it’s ok,I am pleased I can sit on walls in the winter You are easily pleased,Annie informed her.Most women want new kitchens, Le Creuset pots, clothe s and shoes I have enough,Mary responded. But who defines what is enough? When I went for an interview for Uni it was on a Tuesday.I wore my only blouse on Sunday so I wore it again though the collar was dirty and my cardigan made by Mother was not a success as the button band was not the right length as it twisted I went over the Pennines by train in the worst winter ever and arrived for my interview with no money for a sandwich for my lunch The men interviewing mte asked why I wanted to do maths I said,I want to do research.I had already discovered something myself though later I saw Pascal had discovered it.He had better notation which helps They burst out laughing and slapped their thighs.At least they didn’t sexually abuse me I had never seen men with manicured hands before How did you feel? In those days I didn’t feel,Mary told Annie.I wish I were like that now At least they accepted you,Annie whispered.Let’s not bring up the past It seems to come up by itself And so say all of us
On a personal level, Wittgenstein’s philosophical efforts reflect a struggle to disentangle his identity from the confusing, mystifying language of his original family. He had been brainwashed, so to speak, under the usurping pressure of his father’s self-centered universe. Hermann Wittgenstein was an epistemological tyrant, defining reality for all those who sought to be connected to him. This philosopher’s thinking, therefore, can be viewed as a self-deprogramming enterprise, ultimately directed toward the possibility of liberating himself from the paternal agenda and claiming his own place in this world.
Wittgenstein’s first book, the only one published during his lifetime, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (1921/2001), is an effort to clarify the relationship between the words of our language and what he called the “states of affairs” appearing in the world we perceive. Two specific assertion appear in this book, ones we believe are charged with personal significance:
“There is no such thing as the subject…”
“ The subject does not belong to the world…” (1922, p. 69)
On a philosophical level, this reminds us that we ought not to objectify the first person singular: the ‘I’ is not an item in the world. We are being told that the experiencing subject is not a content of the world we perceive; it is instead what he spoke of as a ‘limit’ of this world, a standpoint from which what we call “world” and all its contents appear.
If we lift the statements out of their ordinary philosophical context, and think about the personal, life-historical meaning they might contain, an epistemological rebellion on Wittgenstein’s part appears, one mounted against the powerful father who tried to be the all-defining director of his son’s existence. The son is saying:
“’I’ am not a thing belonging to your world, not anything anyone can define or control. My being lies outside the insanity of your self-absorption. Above all, know this: ‘I’ am not an item in the inventory of your possessions, to be made use of as you please!”
The pull of the father’s usurping authority, though, must have continued to be very strong, presenting an ever-present danger of falling back under his control and becoming once again the obedient extension of an irresistible will. This is not just a matter of a child fighting back against a parent who is strict and controlling. Wittgenstein’s separating himself from his father was a matter of rescuing his very being as someone independently real. A crisis occurred in his young life in which he saw that continuing to walk on the road laid out for him by his father would be to become permanently itemized on the list of his father’s many possessions. It would be to embrace annihilation.
A sign of the felt danger of returning to the obliterating conformity of his youth appears in a feature of Wittgenstein’s life that his biographers have noted but not fully understood. It was his incapacity to dissimulate, to lie, to conceal the truth because of the claim of whatever circumstance he was in. If he did move toward some concealment, which happened exceedingly rarely, he was thrown into a crisis of wanting to immediately kill himself. Our understanding of this inability to lie is that presenting anything other than what he felt and knew to be true posed the danger of a re-engulfment by the falseness of an identity based on the need to be accepted rather than on his own spontaneous intentionality and authenticity. If the only possibility was that of a false life, then his only option would have been death.
The philosopher enforced his emancipation from enslavement by cutting off relations with his father, and he refused even to accept his very substantial inheritance after the father finally died. Wittgenstein saw taking the money as sacrificing a very precarious sense of personal existence. The heart and soul of this man’s madness lies in the danger of annihilation that haunted him throughout his life. His philosophy we can thus view as a search for an answer to this ontological vulnerability.
His writings, for the most part, consist in aphoristic meditations focusing on language. He gives us trains of thought that attempt to expose various confusions into which we fall, arguing that many – perhaps all – of the classic problems of philosophy arise as secondary manifestations of these linguistic confusions. Wittgenstein engages himself, and his readers, in dialogues subjecting specific examples of how we speak and think to relentless reflection and analysis. In the process of these conversations, a profound critique of the whole Cartesian tradition emerges, a dismantling of metaphysical conceptions and distinctions that otherwise enwrap our thinking and imprison us within structures of unconscious confusion. Central in this transforming inquiry are understandings of human existence in terms of ‘mind,’ seen as a ‘thinking thing,’ an actual entity with an inside that looks out on a world from which it is essentially estranged. Such an idea, once posited, leads inexorably to a dualism: one begins to wonder how the entity ‘mind’ strangely, mysteriously connects to another entity, ‘body.’ He makes compelling arguments that specific linguistic confusions based on the human tendency to turn nouns into substantives lie at the root of such otherwise unfounded ideas. In Wittgenstein’s universe, there are no ‘minds’ that have interiors, no intrapsychic spaces in which ideas and feelings float about in some “queer medium,” no mysteries we need to be fascinated by regarding how the mental entity and its supposed contents relate to the physical object we call the body. Longstanding traditions in metaphysics are accordingly undercut and the terrain of philosophy is opened up to new and clarifying ways of exploring our existence. Well-known arguments against the coherence of solipsism as a philosophical position and also against the possibility of an individual ‘private language’ definitively refute the idea that it makes any sense to think of a human life in terms of an isolated ‘I,’ or ego. He was a post-Cartesian philosopher par excellence.
Wittgenstein sometimes viewed his scrutinizing of our linguistic expressions and associated patterns of thought as a form of ‘therapy,’ performed upon philosophy and society. It is our view that this therapy he offered to our civilization mirrored precisely the personal effort described earlier, in which his life goal was to free himself from the entangling confusions, invalidations, and annihilations pervading the family system of his youth. In this respect he succeeded in connecting uniquely personal issues to important currents and needs of the larger culture. His philosophical journey therefore allowed him to find a meaning for his life beyond the narrow orbit of his father’s deadly narcissism and helped him avoid the tragic fate of his brothers.
Let us turn now to one of Wittgenstein’s (1953) most important specific ideas: that of a so-called language game. It is an elusive term that he never formally defined in his various dialogues, so one has to note how he used it in various contexts and extract a meaning. Of course one of his most well-known formulations is that “the meaning is the use,” and exists nowhere else, which is a distinctively post-Cartesian view of semantics.
We think of a Wittgensteinian language game as a set of words and phrases, along with their customary usages, that form a quasi-organic system, such that when one uses one or two elements in the system one is catapulted into the whole, subject to its implicit rules, in some respects trapped within its horizons of possible discourse. The German word for this is Sprachspiel, and the word obviously derives from spielen: to play. A language game, in whatever sphere of our lives it becomes manifest, encloses us within a finite system of elements and possibilities, and subjects us to rules we knowingly or unknowingly tend to follow. Such a structure literally “plays” with our minds, shaping and directing our experiences according to preformed pathways and constraining them within pre-established boundaries. Wittgenstein wanted us to become aware of these systems in which we are all embedded, and this would be part of his therapy for our whole culture. The goal is one of ushering in a greater clarity about what we think and who and what we are, illuminating what he spoke of as our “complicated form of life.”
The primal language game of this man’s personal history was the communication system in his early family, which designated his existence – and those of his doomed brothers – as playthings, almost like chess pieces belonging to the father’s controlling agendas and properties. A clear perception of the mystifications and usurping invalidations of his early family world would obviously be of assistance in this man’s attempts to find his own way. He tried mightily in his philosophical reflections to release his discipline and the world at large from its “bewitchment” by language, even as he was able to free himself only very tenuously from the spell cast by his father.
Kierkegaard, S. (1834-1842) The Journals of Soren Kierkegaard. Excerpted in Bretall, R. (Ed.) A Kierkegaard Anthology, Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1946.
Wittgenstein, L. (1922) Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus. London and New York: Routledge, 1974.
Wittgenstein, L. (1953) Philosophical Investigations. New York: Macmillan
When Mary awoke, she felt the pain in her ear was worse. I think must have an ear infection, she said to Annie while she was beating the doormat on the wall to get the dust out. Maybe you should stop cleaning and housework.You are releasing lots of dirt into the air You are right,Mary replied.It’s just what Mother used to do But did she have a hoover? No, we had a Ewbank. Get a cordless cleaner and it will suck the dust out for you Thanks,Annie.I think I will go to the Urgent Care Centre.I don’t want an abscess in my ear to explode,as it were. I’m sorry I can’t come but they have restrictions about how many visitors go in Mary called a cab.Soon she was in the almost empty hospital.How much she would have liked a companion.Still, there is always God, wherever he has moved to. A young woman with thick frizzy fair hair called her in and said that she was a GP Mary was thinking how much better her pale lips would look with some lipstick As for her clothes, it is best to remain silent.I suppose doctors can’t afford to go to M & S nowadays Mary thought. There is some wax in your ear, the doctor told Mary in a cruel manner That’s good.I need a candle,Mary said inventively Then the maskless doctor stood in front of Mary and peered into her mouth. Shee pushed Mary’s crutch away and announced, there is nothing wrong with you You must go out and make new connections, do things, go to Dances, play Bingo Get up and walk, she advised , Jesus remarked in the Gospel l,though he also asked the cripple to take up his bed yet there were no beds left in the hospital Oh,dear Mary said I am not wired myself as yet.My body is running on sunshine. Do you think I should offer my supine body to the lonely old men living in the big houses near here? I’m afraid I shall have to charge them.Do you have any free room with an elecric socket that I might use? And we’ll need a bed The beds are all full, the doctor replied Good grief, how many people are in these beds? Do they share? Don’t ask me.It’s my coffee break, the young lady cried Mary struggled up and went outside to call a cab At least it’s been a change of scene yet as the cab drove her home, the pain began to get worse. Is Mary going to make it?
To be concluded shortly Funeral arrangements by the Coop. if needed
One evening Mary got earache so bad she was anxious if her brain might be damaged What’s wrong,mother? mewed Emile her small black cat I’ve got earache, she told him.And I am still not your mother! When will you be my mother? If the law was changed we could get married,Mary said wittily I can’t marry you, it would fee like incest,Emile whispered I don’t expect to have a sexual life with you, but you could massage by legs and run up and down my spine Anyone can do that. Well, not a dog I hope,Mary giggled.No I love cats After watching “Princess Di, the true story” on their tablets,were both happy to rest in their beds Mary woke up to find her earache was worse, like a knife running into her head Stan, she cried, where are you? I need you!Come home! Emile ran in, with tears in his eyes You know Dad is heaven,Mother Yes,said Mary, though he could be in Purgatory Is that because he had Annie as his lover,Emile asked No, no, l love is not what I’m thinking of.I bought a very nice bag in Somerset as my workbag When he left our flat to get the train to work, he had taken my bag not to mention six notebooks with unlined paper I was going to use for Art So what did you say. Mother? I said nothing.Wittgenstein wrote Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain silent But you could have thrown a bucket of cold water over him,Emil said angrily I doubt Wittgenstein would like that,Mary smiled Sometimes we just have to let things go or go into a bohemian boutique .. I went into one and got a yellow cord skirt of unusual design and some deep red trousers Did you not wear a top,Emile enquired jauntily? No,I went to give a lecture on 3 dimensional calculus nude from the waist upward Did nobody say anything? I was so thin I looked like a boy and they were all enraptured by my words anyway Those days we were civil to others and ignored their errors or that their trousers were ripped and that some shirts looked crumpled.We mathematians don’t care about these things. Then they saw DPD had a van outside. man crossed the road wth several parcels from M&S. Mary pulled put a long green wool coat and a cashmere hat So who doesn’t care,Emile mewed? I thought it would be good when I need to sit on a wall.The moss on walls is green. Well,I can see the sense in that, he replied In ran adulterous Annie their neighbour and Stan’s former mistress Oh,I have bought one of those.I fear they will shut down and it’s hard to buy a tailored wool coat these days.They have merino wool jumpers too Perhaps I’ll buy another, she muttered. Can I have a jumper,Emile asked? May I May I what? Have a jumper I am not human, he mewed.Don’t be rude I will knit you a jumper,Mary told him.Let me know the colours you like Don’t climb a tree in it or it might catch on a thorn Oh, mother, thank you,Emile murmured as he fell asleep
Do I need permission to be sad; Or wish that I could cut out my own heart? Strangled with the tension,feeling mad Usurping God to declare that I am bad Who can give permission to be sad? Unwind the soul by pulling on a thread Where can self destruction make a start Can’t we help each other when we’re sad Refuse to inflict damage on our hearts?
And here are Pandora’s socks, Professor Smith, quipped, as the female student in the front row fell asleep whilst sitting upright in a large armchair covered in chintz And I also have Achilles’ heel here. Now for your project, I want you all to say Three Hail Mary’s. A large bee stung my ass and I awoke and coughed up my soul onto the bed. Get back inside, I cried. Keep me whole, give me oil, keep me churning. Alright, it muttered calmly. Don’t lose your head. I have it well screwed on, I responded. This is a surprise to see you. Well, since Pandora lost her socks all the souls have been getting loose from their bodies.Women…why do they lose their socks so much? After that, the doctor called. Hi, he screamed. For God’s sake, don’t do that, I murmured I’m not dead you know..even though my blood pressure is zero. He smiled and handed me a blood sugar monitor. Here you are, this will cure your pneumonia. What about my new mania? What is that? I am interested in spirals… Keep it under control. The whole point of mania is to be out of control Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear, he murmured. What a clever idea, I told him. Goodbye I swallowed the test kit and it cured my pneumonia immediately
Mary was going out for a meal with some former colleagues who had taught under functioning analysis and triquacking theory.She stood in her bedroom, surrounded by piles of clothes, wondering how hot the restaurant might be and how cold and frosty the air in the road by the bus stop. I think I’ll phone Pete she told herself. Pete answered on the first ring.After so many years, she still recognised his semi- South African accent and pleasing voice Hello,it’s Mary Dirac-Brown hers, she said shyly. Hello Mary Dirac-Brown, he responded instantly Why, he sounds like the Amazon website, she thought to herself.That figures! Hello Pete, I was wondering if you could give me a lift to the restaurant tonight You don’t need a lift, it’s on the ground floor, he informed her quietly and sensitively I mean in your car.I can’t drive now. Why not? Actually, I never took the Test because I always drove very fast Why didn’t you use the brakes? he teased her.I reckon you might have passed. I stopped the car and vowed never to drive again but now it is a problem with Stan dead etc Well, what time do you suggest? Shall I come earlier? Why does he say that ,she pondered No, it will take ages to put all my clothes away.I can’t make up my mind what to wear. Why not just copy Hilary Clinton? I must not buy any more clothes.Shall I dress smartly? Or smart casual or unsmart? I know, said Pete.Shut your eyes and pick up 3 things off the bed and then wear those. Mary closed her eyes.When she opened them she had a pair of Arran legwarmers, a green silk shirt and a black pleated silk skirt. I suppose if I wear my new long camel coat, the leg warmers will be hidden, she whispered.She took a bottle of dandruff shampoo and washed her light gold locks and then waxed her bikini line by mistake. My goodness, why and how did I ever think of doing that, she pondered ruefully?And in the winter who wears a bikini? Dressed in her pure silk outfit, the legwarmers hidden under thigh high red leather boots, she created a buzz in the restaurant as she climbed in through the window followed by Pete in his yellow wool suit and green tie. Why did you come in via the window, asked Tom McDonne, the former head of her maths department. We didn’t see any doors, she cried gaily.And Mossad wants more women agents so I thought MI5 might like to see me. Who is this Mossad, Tom asked? It’s the Israeli intelligence service.You must have heard of them. But they don’t want old people! Tom told her ignorantly That’s why we came through the window, so if any spies are here they will see how agile I am still.And I still know what uncountable infinity is.Aleph, aleph. Tom led them to a long table. Wow, it’s a log table Mary screamed.I’ve not seen one for years. Well, with computers and such like we don’t really need them anymore, Tom revealed. Are they real logs, she queried. No, they are vinyl, the waiter admitted furtively.Easier to wash Mother never washed my log tables, Mary told the men impudently. Let’s order some food, Tom said, as they all sat down I fancy the Polish Hussar Roast, he admitted. What has a Polish Hussar ever done to you, Mary asked? Nothing yet but I live in hope And so do all of u
Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair. She looked around, and found a small brush labelled,”For nubuck and suede shoes”….. Peering into the old mirror she ran it though her gold and silver hair,powdered her nose with her Estee Lauder natural beige foundation in powder form and slapped some coral lipstick on with haste.. and accuracy. Right,that’s it,she thought.Enough to show willing. She met her old friend Maureen at the bus stop. Have you been seeing Joel again? Maureen asked naughtily. No,I’ll be damned if I see him again,Mary said shyly.He told me he was living alone in a large house up the hill, then I met him with his wife.Who was he trying to fool? Maybe he hoped you would not notice? Not notice what,her wedding ring? Luckily the bus came down the road and stopped beside them.They jumped on and ran to the back. for a gab. Are you going shopping? Maureen asked. No,I am going to take some photos of the jazz band playing on the pavement by the bank… but I told Stan I was going to the pharmacy to buy some Vaseline…. Why,does he not like you taking photos? Not when an old boyfriend of mine is in the band. Exactly how old is the boyfriend? About 69 I guess. Well he’s not that old! He is an ex I should have said.I knew him in primary school and used to ride his tricycle.He was my first love.We were only 5 years old.I think it was his red curls and the tricycle that attracted me… but we split up when we were 6. Surely Stan would not be jealous;it is 63 years ago, And to me it was like last year!Well. you know time does not exist in the Unconscious. How wonderful. Yes and no.Good memories can be there but also pain can seem as if it just happened even when it is from 50 years ago. Have you had a lot of men admiring you,dear? How would I know?There could be thousands if they were too shy to speak. You know what I mean! Not so many.. I had my second when we were 10.He had golden hair and long eye lashes and lots of games in boxes.He was very sweet but we were to young to be engaged so I decided to give men up and study mathematics instead as that has its own icy beauty… Wel,,nice meeting you.Have you dyed your hair;it’s got brown streaks. Oh,dear,Mary thought.Is it shoe polish? But who polishes suede shoes nowadays? Stan was following Mary on his Face Bike.He was watching her from behind the bike racks in front of the HSBC Bank… Mary had had many bikes in her life.. what would a fortune teller make of that,he asked himself. Still,she had no idea Stan was nearby as she wandered nonchalantly along the grey pavement in her Rosella dress and Gabor suede Mary Janes.. Now then, where shall I go to take the photos,she thought…maybe I’ll sit outside this Coffee Shop and pretend to feel faint if anyone asks me to buy coffee… she opened her bag and took out her Kindle Paperwhite… she was reading, Creative Imagery and Healing… and also Cars and Peace by Leo Wholeshaw.. a futuristic novel set in North London.In the first chapter a grandmother has been beheaded in North London. That’s a bit far fetched,Mary had thought when she read it but in fact Wholeshaw had been right on the ball when he wrote his e book and self published it on Cramuzon for £3.89… I wonder if I’d like to write a novel, Mary mused… just then she saw Stan on the other side of the road talking to a blonde bombshell dressed all in pink. I see,she thought.He didn’t know I’d be here as the pharmacy is half a mile away. Who is watching whom?Well.the morals be lacking but my grammar is incorrect, damn it! And so swear of us
Why did you not speak before you died? I need words,I can’t interpret smiles When you said you loved me, did you lie? When you could have heard me, you would sigh Why did you not speak before you died? Where is Reason when it’s not applied Why do lovers not respond to cries? Why do we beget yet not beguile? Why did you not speak before you died? I need your words,I can’t interpret smiles
I missed the flowering of the maple tree Where red leaves swell like baby’s growing fists i fear to struggle there, what shall I see, Just the doves and sparrows flying free? Missed the flowering of the maple tree But watched less subtle human comedy Saw politicians flounder, saw ships list Missed the burning of some red leaved tree I wonder when they’ll break the baby’s wrists?
Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair.
