Statistics for the older person

Stan fell asleep in front of the roaring fire.Emile lay across his lap.Emile was so limp he looked like a wet towel casually over the old man’s knees.It was Stan’s birthday but no party had been arranged.He was struck that Mary had not baked a cake..nor even bought one at the Co-op.
That was no surprise really as he did all the cooking including Bakewell tarts and Xmas cake,He was a versatile man who could also mend old radios and fix clocks that were stuck one time….usually th wrong one!
He also spent quite a lot of time giving statistics lessons to pensioners and kissinf his blonde  mistress,Anne who lived next door.
He decided that being so near her was a big advantage, given his age.
Suddenly he was awakened by chuckles and giggles,
There were Mary and Anne holding a big iced cake and a pot of tea.The doorbell rang and in came all Stan’s friends from his Art class.Mary produced sandwiches and pork pies,sausage rolls and potato cakes.
How did you do this ?,he enquired dazedly.ad
We did it all in Anne’s oven.She has two so it was quite easy.
Mary was not jealous of Anne for Mary would rather read Principia Mathematica than go to bed with Stan.
Apparently she was mildly autistic but she was happy doing maths as many of her co-workers had the same syndrome.
She did have one daughter whom she had found hidden in a gooseberry bush in the garden.This was enough for Stan as he was 92.
But luckily he did have a good gold plated pension of £390.09 per month.
Everyone was having a fabulous time until Anne tried to light the candles on the cake.No matches could be found.
Ring 999, Stan called childishly.Mary obeyed and soon the ambulance drew up.
In ran Dave the   trisexual paramedic.
Is it your chair? he enquired wildly?
No,it’s this cake.We can’t light the candles on it.Shall we douse it in petrol? We have a jerry can full of it in the spare room.
That is very dangerous, he shouted.
Well,we are old now and need the car badly.Risk assessment gave us evens on the odds.
Dave produced a silver lighter and lit the candles.Then he conducted them all as they sang,
”Happy Birthday” to Stan.
Stan managed to blow out 90 candles before passing out on the rug.
Well,at least he didn’t break the chair,Mary said philosophically.
I wish he had,said Dave. I’ve got some superglue here.
Well,we do have a wardrobe that’s falling apart.would you like to mend it?
Sure ,he replied gratefully.This is why we have the NHS!
We are here for you 24/7
Or come to A and E if you get a mouth ulcer or a cold sore.No problem is too small!
Stan came to on the rug with Emile beside him.He gazed deeply into the cat’s green eyes.
I think I’ve fallen in love with you,he informed Emile.
Will you sleep with me and let Mary have your basket.?
Are we engaged,said Emile?
Definitely, said Stan.I’ll get you a golden collar with diamonds on it.
When shall we be married?
As soon as it’s legal,Stan answered honestly.
In the meantime,we’ll have to live in sin.
Then he fell asleep again with Emile in his arms.
What a lovely picture, cried the ladies.
Look at this.What a happy sight.
What love,what devotion.
How strange,what a commotion.
They’re in love,what emotion.
Don’t tell the Pope,we need caution.

Illegitimate and born in desert grey.

So you are gone  who once declared your love
For that phantasm conjured in your mind
For onto me you brought down from above
A torment bitter and   some words unkind.

Used to  friendship from within your books
You did not understand that I was real
Irritation grew as you did look;
You threw your poisoned  arrows  at my heel.

What once you loved then you began to hate
If not perfect then intolerable I must be
And then you cursed me with this  sorry fate
Our child was born and him you’ll never see.

Illegitimate and born in desert grey.
I carried him alone from death’s dark way.

Love will need no trick

In my despair I felt that I was stuck
Paralysed by  grief and guilt I failed
By the end I had tried every trick

From prayer unthought to deeps of logic black
My  life, my engine ,juddered off the  rails
I hated God and of “his” Church was  sick

Starving  and alone I was in shock
The death of one I loved   had made me frail
By the end I had tried every trick


I felt  love’s arms around me,  death to block
I knew   this goodness,  why else would I wail?
I   thought I hated God  but Love had struck

Warm and golden light  that  did me hold
Where are you now when refugees  die cold?
Kind despair  that  made me long time sit

By the end I knew  Love needs no trick

The lost too

I can’t love you
without loving the whole world too.
I can’t open my heart
unless everyone can be part

Wait for me
I’m not afraid.
Wait for me.
I may be delayed.

I see you in my mind
Smiling, sad and kind.
I can’t love you
Unless I love the lost too.

Give me your hands
Outstretched across the  strands
We’re all one.
Love has begun

Mary self diagnoses

Hello, mother, cried Emile as Mary came through the front door.
What’s happened
The doctor was not wearing a mask and she says I have to go out and play Bingo
That seems odd.
Mary made them both pilchard sandwiches topped with vanilla ice cream.And wondere what was wrong with her
Suddenly she realised the pain had a curious intensity, like she had felt in her teeth /jaw just before an angina attack

Out came the GNT spray which she aimed under her tongue,using Guy’s Hospital method
Wow,said Emile.That looks weird.Can I have some?
Emile, it is what bombs are made of.It could kill a cat
In a few minutes the pain was gone and Mary felt relieved though angry
In ran Annie in pink leisure clothes and green Mary Jane shoes
I like your shoes,Mary said.Where did you get them?
I found then at the back of the wardrobe
I think I shall look in my wardrobe, though some shoes I had kept for best disintegrated
Where?
I was having tea with Dorothy.I looked down and saw lots of black spots on her carpet.It was the soles of my shoes.She was very kind and just got her dus
t pan and brush
I think we should wear the things we love now, not save them for some imaginary future,Annie murmured like a pike that has just seen Ted Hughes in its dreams
Guess what I have bought,Mary cried
A new mug?
No, a coat the colour of dark grey stone wallss
I don’t like the sound of that.Shall we call Dave?
No, it’s ok,I am pleased I can sit on walls in the winter
You are easily pleased,Annie informed her.Most women want new kitchens, Le Creuset pots, clothe s and shoes
I have enough,Mary responded.

But who defines what is enough? When I went for an interview for Uni it was on a Tuesday.I wore my only blouse on Sunday so I wore it again though the collar was dirty and my cardigan made by Mother was not a success as the button band was not the right length as it twisted
I went over the Pennines by train in the worst winter ever and arrived for my interview with no money for a sandwich for my lunch
The men interviewing mte asked why I wanted to do maths
I said,I want to do research.I had already discovered something myself though later I saw Pascal had discovered it.He had better notation which helps
They burst out laughing and slapped their thighs.At least they didn’t sexually abuse me

I had never seen men with manicured hands before
How did you feel?
In those days I didn’t feel,Mary told Annie.I wish I were like that now
At least they accepted you,Annie whispered.Let’s not bring up the past
It seems to come up by itself
And so say all of us