How to live like a Catholic

1.Always   go fishing on Fridays even if you lose your job because of it
2.Put ash on your head on Wednesdays but where to get it? Burn the newspaper after reading it!
3.Go to Mass on Saturday night so you can have lie in on Sunday with your neighbour’s wife while he is at Mass
4.Nobody goes to Confession but why not be different.Sin now and be prepared
5.If you go  to church for purely social reasons  don’t tell the priests
6.If you were brought up a Catholic   it’s never too late to convert to Judaism.If they will have you!
7.We were told not to chew the wafer but if it is real bread  you can.You may choke otherwise and annoy the people by dying in public!Still, maybe they could make it a Requiem Mass.
8.Pray for whoever you like but don’t keep telling them
9.On Fasting days abstain and on Abstinence days forget.
10.Always drink a pint of Holy Water  before going to bed.
Bless my owl it’s Father Brown