The impertinence of logic

Do stop dragging your feet behind you

Well it’s hard to drag them in front of you.

I think that is very impertinent.

It’s just logical. Can logic be impertinent?

Will the headteacher let us wear stiletto heels?

Why do you ask such a silly question?

You can’t drag your feet if you are wearing stiletto heels.

I wish we could take our heads off at night. So you wouldn’t think

If you unscrew your head and put it down on the table it might have a Bluetooth connection to your body.

So I will still be thinking then?

Unless you can find a button to turn it off.

What about my belly button?

I don’t think that can turn everything off off

No it might turn some people on.

So a button on my body could turn a man on who is 6 ft away from me.

It’s a bit like quantum mechanics.

You mean nobody can understand it?

I don’t see how my belly button is related to to the movement of particles in space.

Well you see lots dust motes in the air

Don’t tell me they are electrons

That’s ridiculous. You don’t see an electron by itself

And you can’t see them with the naked eye anyway.

What about positrons

Do you ever stop showing off?

No you bring out the worst in me.

You pressed too many of my buttons.

How many buttons do you have on your body?

It’s a metaphor.

I don’t see why everything is in Greek

Would you prefer double Dutch?

No no I prefer plane straight-forward words of English origin.

That’s not fair on the Celts.

But they spoke English didn’t they?

No just forget about it the English are descended from the Anglo-Saxons.

But there must have been inter marriage.

They could have had a Celtic lover

But they wouldn’t need to speak then

That is probably why they had them



Tony why have you brought a ladder to school?

You said you were nearly climbing the walls last week. So I thought I would help you.

But it’s only got two steps.

Google like two step verification so I thought it could be useful in the computing lesson.

Where do you go when you get to the second step?

It depends where you put the ladder when you start0

Can you bring a mirror tomorrow please?

What’s a mirror got to do with it?

We need a period of reflection.

Climbing the walls – Idioms by The Free Dictionary

climbing the walls

Anxious or annoyed to the point of frenzy.The doctor hasn’t called me with the test results yet, so I’ve been climbing the walls.If she makes another foolish blunder like that, I’ll be climbing the walls.


Why have you brought a frog to school

Teacher why have you brought a cat to school?

So he can learn to read

He can’t even talk.

I’m not going to get him to read out loud

Why have you brought a frog to school,

Because I was coming to school when I found him.

Well don’t come to school via the Bullring tomorrow

Teacher to girl why have you got a curtain ring on your finger?

Why have you got a hat on in the classroom?

I wear it outside as well.

Are you Jewish?

I’m not sure but I thought I’d practise the rituals

Surely your parents must know whether you’re Jewish.

They’ve not been speaking for the last 10 years.

The should go to a marriage guidance counsellor.

They’ve not got married yet.

And how old are you?

I must be at least 9 months.

If you were 9 months old you wouldn’t be able to talk.

There’s always a first time for everything.

But you’d be a newborn baby.

Can’t they talk?

Have you never seen a newborn baby?

Yes I have seen them when my mother gives birth and she says to them I’ll never have sex again.

And what o1¹ they say?

It’s too late now

Buy Monet

My art

Teacher why have you brought that tin of pencils into the classroom?

Because I want to draw my own conclusion

Teacher why have you brought a telescope today?

Student: because I’m going deaf.

Teacher: what will you bring with you if you go dumb? 

Teacher: as you look into the distance the road seems to get narrower

Student I hope it’s not a Mobius strip

Teacher :why have you climbed on top of t?he cupboard?

Student: I want to see life from a different perspective.

Teacher: why have you brought your cat to school today?

Student: Because I can’t bring it yesterday

Teacher: why have you brought a flashlight to school?

In case anyone gets lost in thought.

Teacher I wonder who will be top of the class?

And we wonder who will be the bottom

Teacher today we will study the existence of God.

Student I just don’t believe it.

Teacher well we have run out of text books so I want you to use your imagination.

So you want me to imagine that God exists?

Teacher:If we keep practising every day then there may be an effect.

I hope the government doesn’t say that when the grain runs out.

Teacher :’imagine free school dinners for all

I just can’t believe it

Now Thomas you must try harder.

Jesus wept

Where is the headmistress?

She has been in a brown study all day.

Now girls I’m going to give you all the tension.

You mean Attention ?

I mean all my tension.

She got out on the wrong side of the dead this morning

Is it her husband?

No she buried him

Oh my lord, was he dead?
Well he is now.

I think you are differently labelled.

Is it the spelling terrors?

Yes and the compound interest

You really do pay for your mistakes

Geese fly by

I like this old poem I wrote 10 years ago when I had no idea what I was doing.The last two lines surprised me.I reaised
that poetry is not logic

brown and white goose on clear water
Photo by Denis Linine on

 It’s Autumn weather, geese fly by;
Autumn rust,red,gold,so gay.

Drystone walls, edging fields,

Apples gathered,holly berries

Flash so brightly

Look like flowers

Sun shines sideways,shadows long

Of trees appear I dwell among

Woods of gentle beeches sing

Swaying with the sideward wind.

See their roots, all intertwined.

Feel their geometry in the mind.

Look up now into the sky,

See the V formation high.

Geese fly home at end of day.

My heart is moved by patterned dance

In this peace and great silence

My mind opens like the sky

And in this moment I would die,

So I could stay with this still vision

Of geese set out on autumn mission.

Snails in rain pools slither near

My feet upon the terrace here

And look,upon their whorled backs

All the sense of life is packed.

And yet so easily Life’s destroyed,

When blind foot steps into the void.