Your face has faded but you are still there

The face that was familiar is no more

The image in my mind has faded now 

You seem as distant as a falling star.

When you died,I felt my own heart tear.

If such pain and suffering allowed?

The face that was familiar is no more.

Can the well of  tears help the repair

Who will help me comfort me somehow?

You seem as distant as a falling star

Let the mourning people hear your prayer.

Help them from the lake in case they drown

The face that was familiar is no more.

In Blythburgh church we saw the angels stare.

Lift me up or I shall see them frown

As icy  cold as  any falling star

Before the Lord all beings need to bow.

I feel with love my heart is well endowed.

The face that was familiar is no more.

I will look up up.and see the host of stars.

The face that was familiar

The face that was familiar is no more.

The world we made  seems empty and remote.

I do not feel the love I felt before.

I’m homeless world-less, comfortless at core

Wandering like the Jews with death ripped coats.

The face that was familiar is no more

Why can this man’s life not be restored?

I cannot eat, a lump has blocked my throat

I do not feel the love I felt before.

In my nightmares, I look for a door.

Or I search the lake from my small boat

That face that was familiar is no more

I beg for grace like some abandoned whore.

That time itself evaporates is gross.

I do not feel the love I felt before

The well is empty,like my husband’s clothes.

When they are gone, what can I then propose?

The face that was familiar is no  more.

The love I lost can never be restored.

Wider than a star

The mind is deeper than a well  and wider than a star
I lose myself in waters deep ,symbolic ,sweet and clear
I rest embraced by this  love and wish for nothing more
I dream I walk in meadows sweet
The daisies in my hair

The heart has reasons and desires as if it were a  mind
If it’s soft as cashmere wool then it will remain  kind
Yet if it’s hard then it may crack and we will split ,divide
I dream I walk by river fleet
With  heart and mind combined

The other self that dwells alone in privacy divine
Needs sacred care and sweet respect and peace from what’s malign
The inner nature of   us all is   given and then transformed
I dream I walk on long white sands
By seas blue crystalline.

I pushed  my sisters up our quiet street

I remember riding on his back
It was summer; I was only two
He had an old tweed jacket full of smoke
Woodbines, they would probably kill you too

Walking with my sister in her pram
Mam looked as happy as a summer lark
My brothers were pretending to be soldiers
We walked along, right into the deep dark

A few years later Dad was sat there crying
They never told me he was very bad
Eight years old, I pushed the baby
My sister walked while clutching at my side

I was worried Grandad would be angry
Seeing us three coming up the lane
We usually went there only at the weekend
On, on, on, went my brain

Going back home it was the evening
The sun had gone ,time to go to bed
I pushed my little sisters up our street
Auntie told me Daddy was now dead

No more rides on his thin shoulder
No more walking in the flowery park
Only the anguish of our feelings
Only children weeping in the dark

Satan for dinner

Are you a Catholic?

No I’m just practising.

Are you a born Protestant?

I’ve not been reborn yet.

Do you believe in rites?

Please put that in writing

Are you superstitious?

Give me the salt to throw over my left shoulder.

Is the left one right?

That’s what my Irish grandmother used to do.

When she broke the mirror?

Yes in case Satan was inside it.

Why, are you going to eat him ?

It’s a new economy Christmas dinner

Sunday morning in Knittingham

Mary woke up at 7:00 to her surprise.q Her cat Emile was lying by her side with his head on the pillow

Gentle stroking his soft relaxed body

She said to him you are not a human being you know Emile. If your head is at the pillow your body is not underneath the duvet.

Oh that’s alright mother he replied; with my Fur on I don’t need to be underneath the duvet. To be honest I’m frightened about slipping down the bed and suffocating

That’s not like you Mary murmured. You are still quite young so you will be able to push yourself up with your legs.

I know such fears are totally irrational. But the fear seems to be real Perhaps I’m afraid of losing myself in you you he said thoughtfully

Oh that’s stuff about psychology it’s not the pathway I wish to follow today.

Why don’t we have some good hot tea. They went downstairs to the kitchen and Mary put the kettle on and put the teapot ready to use when suddenly there was a knock on the front door.

I’m not even dressed yet Mary cried. Although my night dress does look like a frock

Yes it does said Emile. In fact it was better than most of your frocks. Open the door quick quick.

When she opened the door she saw a well dressed artistic looking man.

Hello he said I’m your date for today.

My date for today what are you talking about?

Well I joined this dating agency for older people and they gave me your name and address saying you were looking for another husband.

Well that strange I said Mary because I’ve never joined any agency. I wonder if if you’re looking for Annie my next door neighbour??

No I’ve definitely got the name Mary on my phone they sent me the email last night.

Well why don’t you come into the kitchen and I will make you some tea because you look tired and hot

We all went into the kitchen and found the kettle was boiling. Then Mary said to the man what you would like to drink?

I would like to NESCAFÉ blend 37 he said nervously.

That’s good because I have just bought some she told him although I don’t drink coffee myself but the cat likes it. My cat is called Emile :come and say hello.

Hello sir you devil. What is your name may I know?

Well I’m not certain he cried. Just call me Simon.

How old are you Simon. You are grown up you should know your own name by now.

Well do you see, I used to belong to a religious order and when I was older I was given the name Simon but it’s not the name that’s my parents gave me when I was born. That name is John but not many people know that now.

Did you join a dating site because you don’t know how to get a new woman in your life?

Yes you have guessed correctly I have no idea how I can meet interesting women.

Do you mean you know how to beat boring women?

Be precise I have no idea how to meet any women at all having spent 20 years in the monastery. Of course I used to have some nuns in the parish who we used to meet but it’s not quite the same is it?

Well said Mary how fascinating. Do you think God is guided you to my door because I am a widow! I have been wondering whether to look for another ma non but since I am very clever some men are afraid of me.

They went into the living room and sat down on the sofa while they drank the coffee!

Simon very coolly looked at Mary’s pictures on the wall. I do like your Picasso prints he said

Would you like to come with me for a walk in the woods he continued.

That sounds delightful said Mary.

But I haven’t got dressed yet and do you remember that I have never seen you before so I would like you to bring two references from someone and notable in the area and I will then decide whether I want to go anywhere with you or not.

That’s not very friendly said Simon in a sulky manner

Well you have a strange story. I did not join a dating agency so I don’t know where you got my address from and if I was your sister you will not want me to go out with a man I’ve never met before I would you?

Well I suppose you are right. I am going to church anyway this morning so I will speak to the parish priest and ask him he will give me a reference

Yes I believe I have met that priest at a bring and by sale in the church hall. Yes you speak to him and then if he is willing to give you a reference we can have a date

Would you not prefer prunes the little cat cried.

No thank you said Simon. Thank you for offering that was very generous of you!

You are welcome cried Emile have you run up the stairs I’m going back to bed he shouted to Mary?

But Mary did not hear him because she was wrapped in thoughts in the kitchen wondering how this man has got her name and address. I think it must be Annie she though to herself because she is very clever at picking up men. And she thinks that it would be good for me to get married again or even just go to bed with somebody. Emile is not really enough company for me although he is very charming. If I get another husband then Emile may find a wife and start a family it will be lovely to have some kittens in the house again.

And she went upstairs and had a cold shower

And so will all of us

Where we slept, my sister oh my child

In our double bed, mi dad had died
Mammy slept w’t baby, a release
Now I slept, mi sister by mi side

A wooden frame, flock mattress where I lied
Making up long stories for mi sis.
In the double bed, owa dad had died

Up the stairs, we smelled the bacon fried
All the food was cloaked with grief and grease
And I slept mi sister by mi side

I was trapped by guilt don’t you deride
I disobeyed mi daddy, now deceased
In the double bed, he thought to die

He punished me, I never even cried
We had no phone to send for the police
Did I sleep mi sister by mi side?

He wore a green tweed jacket and a tie
While his overalls dried hanging underline
In our double bed where daddy died
We kids both slept, my sister, oh my child

Whom I myself shall see: my own eyes, not another’s

June 30th 2015 : Funeral of my husband

My sister died unexpectedly 10  years ago.

Pray for the dead…. it can’t  do any harm

I Know That My Vindicator Lives: Job 19:1, 23-27
A reading from the book of Job
Then Job answered and said: Oh, would that my words were written down! Would that they were inscribed in a record: that with an iron chisel and with lead they were cut in the rock forever! But as for me, I know that my Vindicator lives, and that he will at last stand forth upon the dust; whom I myself shall see: my own eyes, not another’s, shall behold him, and from my flesh I shall see God; my inmost being is consumed with longing

Christmas solitude

Few can better understand the challenge of self-love better than the orphaned and disowned. I belong to that club. My mother and father both abandoned me in my teens. As an only child, with no family in the United States, I endured the first of many solo Christmases my senior year of high school.

When you are forced to spend a holiday by yourself, the first inclination is often to ignore the holiday entirely. For years, I employed this strategy. I didn’t leave my home, because I didn’t want to see lights and decorations. Instead, I worked through the holidays and maybe watched some DVDs (no festive commercials to endure). But I always eventually learned: The more you try to push the festivities away, the more they’ll haunt you, like mischievous specters, until eventually you find yourself at 2 a.m. listening to Death Cab’s “Someday You Will be Loved.”

My first succssful holiday was an Easter. I went with the Sunday paper to a sushi buffet, and sat reading and munching on unagi for the entire afternoon. It felt ridiculous and self-indulgent, and that grandiosity was just big enough to shake off my grief over lost childhood traditions. Maybe, I thought, if I embraced the holidays but twisted them into something inventive and entirely my own, I could enjoy them on my own terms.

One Christmas Eve, I went to a fancy restaurant in my neighborhood that I couldn’t really afford but had always wanted to try. I ordered osso buco and ate it slowly, relishing it. The owner dropped by my table and asked why I was eating alone. I told him I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with, so he poured me a glass of wine and sat down. He said he didn’t have anyone to celebrate with, either. He’d been persecuted as an Alevi Kurd living in Turkey, so he fled to the United States, where he learned to cook Italian food and eventually opened his own restaurant. We swapped stories

Tips For Keeping The Elderly Warm In Winter | Wessex Care,some%20extra%20heat%20if%20necessary.

For venturing outside, ensure that your relative wraps up warm in gloves, a scarf and hat. Elderly people should change out of damp or wet clothes immediately to prevent extreme coldness or even hypothermia.

Socks and slippers are essential for keeping feet warm, and a blanket over the legs can be used for some extra heat if necessary. If your relative suffers with coldness, electric blankets and hot water bottles can be a great investment to provide some additional warmth at night.