1.Avocado pears have protein in them.Eat alone or make a melon,avacado and grape salad Have some bread & butter 2 Mix chopped apple,carrot,celery with cubes of cheese.Eat with French dressing 3.As 2, add nuts or raisins or mushrooms sliced 4 .Cold meat plus any salad especially potato and nasturtium leaves 6 Cheese sandwich [ iron it!] 7 Cooked pasta shells with any vegetables chopped plus a Lemon and Oil dressing 8 Make toasted sandwiches in the toaster in a special toastie bag 9 Cooked rice with chopped peppers, chopped cooked beef, spring onions And slices of orange [ thin] plus olive oil and ginger 10. Weetabix with milk, raisins and walnuts
Sitting on the high backed,v Ercol sofa in the large sitting room of her new neighbours Tom and Edina, Mary sipped at the PG Tips tea she had been given in a pseudo-art deco mug.The tea tasted pseudo as well! Would you like some delicious cake,Mary? Edina asked her rather loudly Mary jumped. Oh excuse me, my nerves are all on edge, she cried.I’d love some home made cake Edina took out a penknife and cut a slice of the large cake.Alas it was coffee flavoured and Mary was not fond of that.This was agony to her especially coffee flavoured butter cream filling as she liked all the other flavours..Suffering from this is a new psychiatric disorder called uncakeophilia disorder Why are you using a penknife in here a,Tom asked his wife angrily.We have lots of kitchen knives and other silver ones I found it on the floor,Edina said pensively I don’t suppose you washed it, Tom answered furiously Mary leaned back and shut her eyes for a moment.I hate noise, she thought. No, dirt is good for the immune system, Edina murmured What rubbish, you are so lazy I can’t believe it! her husband told her. After 39 years you should be used to it,Edina told him sensibly.Who made all these new curtains and vacuumed the roof? she went on languidly Did you vacuum the roof in your last house,Mary asked her? We lived in a flat before so I never had to do it. Well, it’s unneccessary,Mary said , why not learn Esperanto? Where do people speak that? I have no idea but it’s a language,Mary cried decisively But can it really be a language if it’s not the native tongue of any country?, Well Yiddish is a language yet few people speak it,Tom told them It would be difficult for the dead to speak,Mary said in a sad voice It used to be spoken by millions of people in Central and Eastern Europe. Why didn’t Hitler teach them English,asked Edina? You think he only hated their language,said Tom in surprise.I’ve never heard that before. It is bloody ridulous,Mary said in her soft yet vibrant voice…he didn’t kill them because of their language and they spoke German as well,Maybe even French,Polish and other tongues Just then they heard a strange choking sound .It was Emile the talking tomcat trying to get out of Mary’s large plastic handbag Good grief ,Tom shouted.Did we invite this cat? Does he drink tea from cups? Is he real? Well, yes , I love tea, Emile mewed.And don’t shout at Mary like that! I am not letting a cat order me about,Tom screamed like a lunatic But it’s not nice for Mary.She is a highly sensitive person and I love her Now, they tell us,Edina whispered.She is married to her cat I didn’t hear you,Tom said,Is she harried ,did you say? No I said married But her husband is dead Well, now she has taken the cat, for better or for worse.Edina said in a humorous yet angry manner.For richer for poorer… a cat can’t earn a wage Edina and Tom were shouting at each other not realising what impression they were making Mary called. out, Why invite me to tea and shout like this? Did you never shout at Stan? No,I didn’t need to.He listened to me. Well, you are very quiet, said Emile, so Stan had no i to fear you might shout I might have shouted when I read Fermat’s Last Theorem.Mary admitted furtively Was Fermat your teacher,Edina asked? No he died a long while ago Fancy dying and all you have to leave is a theorem Well, it stops the family fighting,Mary said wisely Suddenly the door opened and in flew Annie, the flame haired mistress of the late Stan Why was I not invited to this tea party ,she asked rudely?Are we in Boston? Sorry,dear,said Tom.Not many people like to come here because Edina has a bad temper No I don’t she shouted.You have a bad temper I get so tired of all these projective misperceptions,Emile said in his intelligent voice My therapist was not a cat, but I kept projecting on to him and he looked just like a cat to me until he barked one day.He was in fact a dog.I realised Was that the end of your therapy? Yes, I stole all the money from Mary’s purse and there was none lef.tAnd I learned about projection, that was enough Good heavens,Mary murmured.I thought Annie had taken the money What!You thought I was a thief.Annie bawled What next? Well, you’re more like a sister and I didn’t mind as I know it’s so demeaning to ask for money. See, said Tom to Edina,I said you should not ask me for money after we make love Why not, she enquired? I need some new art materials Can’t you use the housekeeping money? Well, if you are happy to starve,Edina said sarcastically Don’t use sarcasm.Only prostitutes take money.,Tom added.I did say you can buy whatever you like in the way of clothes and so on on our credit card How do you know it’s only whores? Many women do need the money as they may be single mothers trying to feel their family and not getting Universal Benefit on time,Edina told himBut other women might demand jewellery, and expensive houses like Wallis Simpson That’s a fair point,Tom muttered.It’s more complicated than I realised. Money is a big problem in many marriages,Mary called But I earned my own and Stan retired early and got a pension so I had no need to beg him for money But did he beg you,Edina asked? No, we just kept in the bathroom under the soap.So it was clean. I wonder if viruses can spread on money? Tom said I feel sure it is possible but how would we test that out. his wife asked Best to wear gloves but when you take them off the viruses might fly all over the place I didn’t know they could fly, said Emile.Are they invisible? Well, we don’t really know but people often get bad colds when they go on aeroplanes Annie turned pale. Are you ill, Annie? asked Tom I am having a nervous breakdown.I’ve caught paranoia from a £5 note. You can’t catch it,Mary said in her kind voice.It’s not a physical illmess and they are plastic nowadays so they can be wiped down Well where does madness come from? It is horrible feeling so anxious. This is not much fun, said Edina.I thought it would be lovely meeting the neighbours but we go from tarts to paranoia and back.Is this wise? They all sat looking glum,Then Annie revealed all I am a Russian agent sent here by Putin.I befriended Mary on Putin’s orders He must be stupid.Why spy on Knittingham? Well, you will be surprised.Mary is an expert on differential operators On bicycle chains, asked Tom? How ignorant people are.Annie shouted.Did you never see anything odd about calculus and little things appearing and disappearing? Well, to be frank, no! I don’t believe we learned calculus said Edina We learned quadratic quotations Do you mean equations,Mary asked? I don’t know what I mean,Edina said nervously And neither do we, said the others Calculus is a bit like the Mass.Important things happen but we can’t see them.Everything looks the same but it’s not Then they heard a siren.In ran Dave, the heroic paramedic in his new pink dress. and coat Don’t drop the bomb, he told Tom audaciously I’m not President Trump,Tom imformed him gravely That’s what they all say,Dave said to Annie Who can we trust Just Emile,said Mary.And Annie. Why don’t you trust me said Tom? I am waiting to see how you behave,she replied Like a kind of exam? Yes, it’s called Trust your neighbour and yourself? How to know the people who might be dangerous to your life and mental health There’s not much mental health in Britain now,said Tom.I’m a doctor! Well, don’t shout at the patients, said Annie I only shout at home, That is horrible, surely those you love need kindness? Tom burst into tears and Emile lent him his hanky I don’t think we’ll meet any more of the neighbours Edina said Enough is enough.Kindly go home Pleased to meet you, said Dave.Do call me when you need coal bringing in or have a heart attack No way,thought Tom as he drank a bottle of brandy in the bathroom I feel we made a mistake… we will have to move as soon as we can
Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibre and elastane cloth and some Windolene he had bought in Tesco’s I don’t know why I bother, he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa, which he was “milking” gently with his paws. With all the rain, the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A wiser man might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very jumpy if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking snaps of frogs, birds and flowers.Mental disorder can be useful sometimes. All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps… Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet. Except for their faces, of course, which were both a light shade of beige; they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks and Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel “Good morning, Stan!” called one of them.”We are Anne‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.” “Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan cried. “Anne told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.” she responded,”even in bed.” “You seem a bit fast,” he answered, “I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?” They burst out laughing….oh,what a noise! “I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.” “As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!” “We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.” “I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets. “I wish the psychiatrist would give me some talk therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Anne mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?”he said to Emile. “I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way. “Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called. “No ,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.” “I wish these two women would drift off.” responded the weary yet charming old man.Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails. “”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie. “Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied. “I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately. “No, I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily. “Wow,is it not boring?” “No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things or not understand” Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over unconscious .Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty keypad and texted 999. “Why are you texting?”asked Ruby. “Well, it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.” “Do you know many mice, Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it, gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed. The front door opened and in ran Dave, the bisexual paramedic. “Is it you, Emile.Have you lost your hankie again?Are you sad?” he moaned nervously. “No, it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair” Stan came too and looked up… “Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap,” he said brightly. “Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression, my dear man.” “Now, look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business. Besides, I don’t know if you are real.” “We just wondered why you slept on the floor.” “A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response. “Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.” “Where will you take us” the twins asked delightfully…. “Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday” “Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby “Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously.. “I’ll lie by you,” said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.” Sometimes life seems so simple, it’s rather like a dream controlled. Controlled by what, asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry. But answer came there none… And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one… To read more, why not take out a subscription?At just £100 a day, it’s value for money…as money no longer has any value!
Oh, lidded kettle boil me water fast. I cannot live without your heated blast Your spout is small but perfect for its use. And, as your lid is hinged, it can’t get lost An electric kettle made by Russell Hobbs A teapot with a spout and lid with knob Are what the English need in times of storm If crisis comes, we need tea hot, not warm I don’t object to diverse kettle brands. We had a coal fire once with kettle stand. Its metal black from soot and burned by coke We made our neighbours tea which seemed to smoke. Ah, kettle , instrument of civil life, We cannot boil our water on a knife.
I am unsure why I’ve got interested in using gadgets for other purposes You can make a sandwhich.Wrap it in tin foil and then put on a table.Get the hot iron & press it on one side for a few minutes.Repeat with the other side [check the times on google]T To boil an egg, fill th kettle.Put the egg into a polythene bag tie the top and dangle it into the water Boil the kettle then leave for 5 minutes for a soft egg Repeat if you want a harder one
Now I wonder if I could cook a steak with the iron…. well we don’t iron our clothes much so we can use it for other things I see that jeans should be washed only twice a year [The Times] in between the washes an hot iron pressing should kill the germs! Short of cereal bowls——- use a small pan or pie dish
Could we boil our underwear in a kettle? Oh,no, my underants have shrunk.Still they are clean.Give them to the cat To be continued