https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/30/style/how-to-fight-right.html

R

While their reactions to arguments differ, both Ms. Brail and Ms. Peng “fight with love,” Ms. Peng said — that is, to choose words carefully so that “we don’t hurt each other purposely.”

Another approach to healthy conflict is the so-called Gottman Method, which is recommended by Nidhi Tewari, a clinical social worker in Richmond, Va. Based on scientific research and coined in the 1980s by the husband-wife team John and Julie Gottman, Seattle-based psychologists.

G

U
I dream at nights of my old friends
My husband and his loving hands
I dream of all the cats we had
Alfred who slept on the bed
He laid his head upon my foot
As I wrote a poem of love
Jimmy who was small and black
She bit my hand if I got up
I did not wish to wet the bed
She did not understand a word I said
The last night here she gazed at me
I think she knew she would not be
Lucky was the nervous one
Black and white , apartheid none
He liked my husband’s shoulder dear
He draped himself and lost all fear
Now the cats have all gone off
I am frightened by a cough
My husband comes to me at night
Fortunately he cannot bite
He touches me with tenderness
Smiles and wished me,God Bless.
When I waken I feel lost
So I have to wear a watch
I seem to have no solid self
I feel nervous of an elf
I don’t mind an angel sweet
He could rub my aching feet
I will have no other man
They are frightened of women
They don’t like to lose at Chess
They don’t like to wash my dress
They will brush my winter coat
Never ask me what I wrote
I do not wish to anger men
They might shout and bawl again
I think maybe I will turn gay
Ask a lady, what to say?
They may not understand my needs
Killing flowers to help the weeds
Talking all the weary night
On the whole they’re parasites
Also they may menstruate
I can’t give them seeds to take
So they will leave and get a man
This is where it all began
Eve and Adam,God and man
Cain and Abel, apple flan
Noah and his Ark so fine
I wish I had one in the rain
I wonder when the world will end?
I am old so be my friendLOVE
I dream at nights of my old friends
My husband and his loving hands
I dream of all the cats we had
Alfred who slept on the bed
He laid his head upon my foot
As I wrote a poem of love
Jimmy who was small and black
She bit my hand if I got up
I did not wish to wet the bed
She did not understand a word I said
The last night here she gazed at me
I think she knew she would not be
Lucky was the nervous one
Black and white , apartheid none
He liked my husband’s shoulder dear
He draped himself and lost all fear
Now the cats have all gone off
I am frightened by a cough
My husband comes to me at night
Fortunately he cannot bite
He touches me with tenderness
Smiles and wished me,God Bless.
When I waken I feel lost
So I have to wear a watch
I seem to have no solid self
I feel nervous of an elf
I don’t mind an angel sweet
He could rub my aching feet
I will have no other man
They are frightened of women
They don’t like to lose at Chess
They don’t like to wash my dress
They will brush my winter coat
Never ask me what I wrote
I do not wish to anger men
They might shout and bawl again
I think maybe I will turn gay
Ask a lady, what to say?
They may not understand my needs
Killing flowers to help the weeds
Talking all the weary night
On the whole they’re parasites
Also they may menstruate
I can’t give them seeds to take
So they will leave and get a man
This is where it all began
Eve and Adam,God and man
Cain and Abel, apple flan
Noah and his Ark so fine
I wish I had one in the rain
I wonder when the world will end?
I am old so be my friend

Hennetwistle has a railway stop
The name is Viking now it’s usually spelled
Entwistle, where reservoirs fill up
Manchester wants water, here it’s held

Too Thirlmere is an artificial lake
For tea in Manchester, those thirsty folk
How much more d’ye think that they will take?
Hamlets drowned, dull cypress trees that cloak

I once passed through Darwen on a train
On the way to Ilkley with my aunt
No memory of bliss with me remains
Except the flowers so wild, their ghosts still haunt

Yet nowhere else gives me the feel of home
This landscape is my body and my soul

Though you and I have loved for many years

Thought you and I have talked and exchange gifts

Whose is the face that haunts me in the night?

Whose memory is torn with cloven rifts?

When sun shines bright and I am full of love

When we walk through the hills blue as in dreams

Whose is the face forever in my sight?

Whose is the mind in which these memories scheme/

For human beings know not our own depths

And follow fancies as do butterflies

Our heart and soul committed are to love

And with love lost we weep and give loud sighs.

For others are deceived but not ourselves

And into that lost darkness we must delve

Humankind lingers unregenerately in Plato’s cave, still reveling, its age-old habit, in mere images of the truth. But being educated by photographs is not monitoredlike being educated by older, more artisanal images. For one thing, there are a great many more images around, claiming our attention. The inventory started in 1839 and since then just about everything has been photographed, or so it seems. This very insatiability of the photographing eye changes the terms of confinement in the cave, our world. In teaching us a new visual code, photographs alter and enlarge our notions of what is worth looking at and what we have a right to observe. They are a grammar and, even more importantly, an ethics of seeing. Finally, the most grandiose result of the photographic enterprise is to give us the sense that we can hold the whole world in our heads — as an anthology of images.

Aesthetic Consumerism and the Violence of Photography: What Susan Sontag Teaches Us about Visual Culture and the Social Web

Watching Plato shining torches into blackness,
Wandering through the galleries,
Sepia paintings of pines,
Pain came to the emptiness once my heart,
I sat picturing screaming Popes and babies.
Eastward, looking for fresh instruction,
My mind unpleated,like a pair of curtains
~Hung out to dry in equinoxal gales.
The bells of Satan’s cell phone
Rang again,startling in this silence.
“You had your smear done yet?”
“It’s me,hinny”
“I’m drinking coffee here in “Costa’s.”
Then I awoke,a man appeared.
How apposite,I need you,Ludwig!
I can’t fly my kite.

In the Science Museum,the mirror cracked
And from it stars flew out,
Adorning cars and bicycles and buses.
The building gently fell into its own reflection.
People flew out like gasping rockets,
Illuminating the blankness,
Calling “Is today the day?.”

https://bostonreview.net/forum/barbara-fried-beyond-blame-moral-responsibility-philosophy-law/

A howling bone dithers none the less.
What can’t be lured must be indifferent
It’s a song way to Tipperary.
Silent Plight,Holy Quite.
Have you  ever seen above my ploys?
Too many rooks rolled  up the bypass to caw.
See amid the sinners flow here on  earth we sing,oh,no.
I don’t know where I’ve seen you adore.
Send me a  twitter soon and I’ll be on board  sound.
Come into these belly sands.
This is the end of the code.
I shan’t slope on.
Go

I say to myself,what a blunder filled world.
Silent bite,holy spite.
It’s the wrong way to Tipperary.
Back up your troubles. in your old knit bag with our new app.
There’ll be blue words over the white stiffs of Dover.
This is the war that blend all wars and then adds more.
When they bombed Neasden,it was the wrong way to go
Friendly liars killed troops on board a warship.
Sing something dimpled
I like lieder,he likes lieder,yay yah yoh,yoah,more.
Singalong for the truce to come

I’m a number,Jack,I sneer all day.
We wronged thee,see the woe.
Oh.little town of Bethlehem divided by the Wall
Jesus wants me for a fruitcake.
It’s wrong to see thee so
It’s numb,all ye faithful.
I tested till declase,day class dateclass

We used this word  I spelled declase when I was a child… it means tired,overworked,mind can’t continue… anyone heard that before?I have never heard others use it,only my family

You smiled at me and then you disappeared

Flying skyward with no hint of fear

Stunned and left behind,I wept with shock

Deprived by death of one last lingering look

No kiss, no word of love,no last embrace

No colour and no pinkness in your face

I saw you fly as fast as hawks at prey

I held you in my heart ,I felt dismay

How could you leave me when I need you so

Could you not remain till I to go?

Death is sad,mysterious,unknow

Once lovers all complete and now alone

Silently at last we take the pain

We’re burnt by love and loss, that dual frame

https://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/pagead/ads?client=ca-pub-3034358392230435&output=html&h=288&slotname=3934225189&adk=3214291132&adf=1403198732&pi=t.ma~as.3934225189&w=346&lmt=1662715541&rafmt=1&psa=1&format=346×288&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.poetrysoup.com%2Fpoem%2Fhow_could_you_leave_me_1266976&fwr=1&rpe=1&resp_fmts=3&sfro=1&wgl=1&adsid=ChAI8MjrmAYQmp-OqK7jsoNGEj0AprW9fhNHCHr17QHUmnIWBFGu1WWZmSlS9nJWnGnP62p9LXnFBtVgPG9q7JWlz-KFCWY_sP4yOhvTUD0d&uach=WyJBbmRyb2lkIiwiMTEuMC4wIiwiIiwibW90byBnMzEodykiLCIxMDUuMC41MTk1Ljc5IixbXSx0cnVlLG51bGwsIiIsW1siR29vZ2xlIENocm9tZSIsIjEwNS4wLjUxOTUuNzkiXSxbIk5vdClBO0JyYW5kIiwiOC4wLjAuMCJdLFsiQ2hyb21pdW0iLCIxMDUuMC41MTk1Ljc5Il1dLGZhbHNlXQ..&dt=1662715541147&bpp=23&bdt=777&idt=23&shv=r20220907&mjsv=m202209010201&ptt=9&saldr=aa&abxe=1&cookie=ID%3D7b0a906bc1f5fe59-22f943de0ad400a3%3AT%3D1655916886%3ART%3D1655916886%3AS%3DALNI_MZx8BomHVLE38Dt7p07_PZssSjkjw&prev_fmts=0x0%2C346x288&nras=1&correlator=8639300986738&frm=20&pv=1&ga_vid=741624852.1655916858&ga_sid=1662715541&ga_hid=1523744011&ga_fc=1&u_tz=60&u_his=1&u_h=768&u_w=346&u_ah=768&u_aw=346&u_cd=24&u_sd=3.125&dmc=4&adx=0&ady=1640&biw=346&bih=608&scr_x=0&scr_y=0&eid=44759876%2C44759927%2C44759842&oid=2&pvsid=1279522195505141&tmod=1469580139&uas=0&nvt=1&ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.poetrysoup.com%2Fmember_area%2Fmy_poems.aspx&eae=0&fc=1920&brdim=0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C346%2C0%2C346%2C608%2C346%2C608&vis=1&rsz=%7C%7CoeEbr%7C&abl=CS&pfx=0&fu=128&bc=31&ifi=3&uci=a!3&btvi=1&fsb=1&xpc=xxrUMpwr9y&p=https%3A//www.poetrysoup.com&dtd=39

https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/

How hard for you to learn you cannot stay

No longer with your grandchild can you play.

The future you imagined cannot be.

My eyes are blind with tears I cannot see.

You who’ve been my sister for so long

No longer in this world will you belong.

I did not think that you would go so soon

You to whom my soul is well attuned

Sometimes lost things can be bought again

This is how we guard ourselves from pain.

However rich we are we cannot pay

To get another sister any way.

We lose our keys, we lose our little hearts

Money beauty, health just for a start.

You will not look at me you have to go

You put your coat on, stride into the snow

Katherinereflections, Thinkings and poems  March 24, 2016 4 Minutes

The most obvious confusion between metaphor and reality is when society labels emotional/interpersonal problems/divergence from norms of society as mental illnesses.I
n the USA childdhood disobedience is now a mental illness and there are many similar crazy notions.Homosexuality was labelled as a mental illness for years but no longer.
Now if you are suffering terrible anguish in various forms it may help to be told it is an illness… or it may make you worse.I am sure that often excess fatigue,personal characteristics like overworking constantly,not eating well,being distressed by the state of the world are very common but there are no blood tests nor any other tests to identify such as being illnesses.Though often physical illnesses casuse mental distress and depression either directly or because of shame and anxiety and other reactions to being ill for a long time.
The writer Thomas Szasz identified this confusion many years ago.If you disagree and say how can medication help unless a person is ill then I’d say that the placebo effect is one reason and another is that if someone is exhausted and needs to rest then medication maybe helpful to give them a little peace.
Gerard Manley Hopkins,A Jesuit priest and a poet seemed to be given a job in an Irish University which was exhausting and debilitating but owing to his vow of obedience to his superiors in the Jesuit Order he could not change his life except by dying… so he thought.
The poet Gwyneth Lewis who has been the National Poet for wales wrote a book[Sunbathing in the rain] about her severe bout of depression.In the book she seems to be claiming that there were personal mistakes and decisions in her lifestyle and job which led her into depression.She saw it as necessary for change.However she did use medication in spite of feeling it was a spiritual turning poimt which she needed to get back onto her true path or vocation in life.
Her mother had been depressed frequently when she was a child and so she would have learned this as a way of problem solving.
Also despite her immense intelligence she had failed to realise that abandoning her strong hopes to have a child [given the age of her husband and the need to earn a living] was going to cause her huge distress.In fact marrying someone who has been sterilised seems unusual for a young woman who wants children.But it is sometimes reversible and maybe she didn’t think so far ahead.
This blindness to our own feelings seems to lead many of us astray.
We sometimes get clues to our hidden feelings in dreams or we could find someone to talk to when going through a major life decision.
Some people don’t know that grief and mourning exist and are stunned when they feel sad and often their families criticise them for “not coping well” Coping here seems to mean remaining happy and calm all the time;this is a selfish demand on a bereaved person or anyone really.
I also noticed over the years that many famous people suffered from depression but when you examine their lives they seem to demand too much from themselves and be afraid to ask for help
.Poor Sylvia Plath wanted to be famous which she is now but alas she is dead. It’s hard to know why she felt the need to work so hard except her upbringing was one where acadenic excellence was valued and why she married someone with no obvious way of providing support either financial or emotional… when it got tough he ran off… but who knows why? The point that interests me is that she was compulsively driven to achieve… and she did so much in her short life… but was it worth it?
We all need to examine our life to see if we are acting stupidly.
But when worn out mentally it seems thinking is a mistake whereas simple manual work is beneficial as is being outdoors or being with kind undemanding friends…. and if a person has few friends coping with emotional trauma is much harder.This affects people who move to another state or country.And older people moving house even can bring on mental confusion.
And if we are people who find friendship and intimacy hard then it’s likely that we will suffer more from any problem we run into.
Finally,is the idea of a vocation for each of us of value?We each have unique gifts plus a need to earn a living.It depends on many factors outside our control whether we can find a job that combines these.Many poets and writers work in menial jobs to earn a living and then they write at night.[Teaching seems to sap creative energy.]
Other people don’t feel they have a calling but train for something they feel will earn a living in a way that suits them.Electricians and plumbers are in great demand…
And apart from finding our own true needs we need to contribute to society in some way.And to have a feeling of enjoying being alive which is perhaps denied those millions in Asia who make our clothes,i phones and other goods.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/07/well/mind/mindfulness-practice-doomscrolling.html

Following nonstop news in an era of gun violence, war and political divide can become overwhelming. And amid our many ongoing challenges — the pandemic, climate change, economic uncertainty — it’s understandable to feel sad, angry and anxious.

As a clinical psychologist who specializes in giving people the tools to cope with intense emotions, I know how difficult it can be to remain positive — or simply balanced — while caring deeply about our world. Some of my clients say they can’t stop doomscrolling, others engage in unhealthy behaviors to tune it out and many bounce between the two extremes.

But it is possible to anchor yourself if it feels as though you’re slipping into despair about the state of the world. I rely on these seven mindfulness-based strategies for myself and my clients to stay grounded.

1. Label your feelings.

If you can precisely label the emotion you’re experiencing in the moment, you can reduce its power in your body and brain. Name whatever emotion you are feeling, whether it is sadness, fear, anger, disgust

Strange that sunshine glowing on the snow
Made me feel like summer was just here
And meadows of wild flowers would appear~
If only I knew which way I should go.
Happy with  increasing daylight hours,
Memories of hills and small wild flowers

Energy  sends loneliness away
As birds take shelter in the holly tree
The snow is falling with a touch of glee
Teasing  all the forecasters with play
Brighter in my heart and in my mind
The inner and the outer unconfined.

With our vision we create  our myth
Must we live in torment or in  bliss?

https://youranxietytherapist.com/3-mistakes-that-increase-fears-and-anxiety/

Shall we no longer sing

No longest smile

Because one day we’ll die

For we’re fragile?

Shall we no longer run

Beside the sea?

Shall we no longer kiss

Beneath the trees?

While still we live

Let’s loving be

Let’s not protect a heart

With metal walls

For we must feel

And learn it all

The wedding feast is here

Oh look and see

The Union of allies

Come let’s agree

The pain is always there

But there is more

Children playing out

on the sea shore

Little faces

Little Hands

Little waves

Joyous sounds

The sun will rise again

The day will flee

Joy and woe are

Always free

A cup of roses

Cup of grace

Wait in the void

For love to tasre

https://www.google.com/search?q=is+defensiveness+a+sign+of+mental+illness&client=ms-android-motorola-rvo3&ei=vb0ZY8DFN92J9u8P6vqWoAQ&oq=defensiveness+and+paranoia&gs_lcp=ChNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwEBJKBAhBGABQAFgAYABoAHABeACAAQCIAQCSAQCYAQCgAQY&gs_ivs=1&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp#tts=0

Here are several steps that can help you become more emotionally intelligent when dealing with defensive people:

1. Refrain from reacting defensively. …
2. Shift your focus to the other person. …
3. Ask questions until you understand them. …
4. Move toward a resolution.

2 Nov 2018https://www.bizjournals.com › how-to

4 ways to communicate better with defensive people

More

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/insight-is-2020/202109/why-some-people-can-get-so-defensive

Getting defensive can take many different forms, including verbal attacks, denial (denying what has been said), fabrication (outright lying), avoidance (not allowing any discussion on the matter), gaslighting (e.g., calling the other person “crazy” or suggesting something is wrong with the other person) and others.

At their root, all defensive behaviors have this in common: sending a message to the other person that what the person is saying is wrong or a problem. What’s more, the message is that the person is “out of line” (authoritarian punishment language) for addressing them or attempting to hold them accountable for something in the first place. The takeaway message is that such confrontation — as fair or appropriate as it may be — is unacceptable and will not be allowed.

A brief personality profile of the individual who gets easily defensive

Defensive individuals often have control and power issues, and perceive anyone confronting them or holding them accountable

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/how-to-support-friend-going-through-difficult-time

If you’re trying to give advice and coming up empty, that’s actually OK. “When someone we love is going through pain and sorrow, we feel pressure to have to say something, to come up with a way to make them feel better,” Habash says. But often it’s best to just listen and let them express themselves.

“They need to know that you can tolerate being with them in their pain, and that someone understands what they’re going through,” Habash says.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/26/well/live/music-therapy-cancer.html

My sister’s eyes are sea green and deep
Like pools in the Irish sea off the coast off Anglesey.
Moelfre where she swam ,despite the cold,
Like a small seal.
Night times I told her stories,
She lay and dreamed them till schooltime
But we grew beyond my storytelling
When adolescence broke us apart.
Years later
As I sat with her child
At my knee,
Weaving stories for her
Around the Russian horse
From the antique shop in Aldeburgh,
I saw my sister leaning towards us,
Her green eyes full of long-lost yearning.
I realised she was still my loving little sister,
From long, so long ago, her green eyes,
In the deep caves of her inner sea ,filled with longing.
I felt she wanted to get backInto the magic circleO
f the arms of the mother we
No longer had to hold us.
So, I took her inside my open heart instead

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Ulf a plant were wilting we will not drive nurse it worse “wilting-plant-syndrome” – we would change its conditions. Yet when humans are suffering under unliveable conditions, we’re told something is wrong with us, and expected to keep pushing through. To keep working and producing, without acknowledging our hurt.

In efforts to destigmatise mental distress, “mental illness” is framed as an “illness like any other” – rooted in supposedly flawed brain chemistry. In reality, recent research concluded that depression is not caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain. Ironically, suggesting we have a broken brain for life increases stigma and disempowerment

It is here that we fail marginalised people the most: Black people’s understandable expressions of hurt at living in a structurally racist society are too often medicalised, labelled dangerous and met with violence under the guise of “care”. Black people are more likely to be Tasered, sectioned, restrained and over-medicated than anyone else in our mental health services today.

InThe UK could learn a lot from liberation psychology. Founded in the 1980s by the Salvadorian activist and psychologist Ignacio Martín Baró, it argues that we cannot isolate “mental health problems” from our broader societal structures. Suffering

I haven’t got the energy for grief.

The bag of tears cracked, now it’s overdry

Is a conversation a relief?

Or is it better just to sit as a sigh?

If only all my bones would turn to dust

And I could join the compost on the heap.

Or would the cruel jackals feel disgust?

I might as well expect the slow worm leap.

Take away my heart for it is pained

I can live without it if I choose

But do not live on me with your disdain

One day you might walk in these my shoes

For what is self reflects the other’s soul.

Grief and sadness, love, may make us whole

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

Ostracise me this Day Oh Lord

And mesmerize my enemies I beg of you.

For my top of the market devices I thank you very much.

I have always believed in folding tablets for ease of taking up the mountain if you have any new comments to give to me.on my blog.

And Microsoft latest laptop come drawing tablet will help me to outdo my enemies and send them all to Coventry.

Touch me touch me with your hands oh lord because all this modern technology is turning me into a robot. I need some skin to skin contact all the more so since I’ve been off the sized I most of my friends. Am I missing something is there a message I’m not there?

Dear Lord it’s time for me to drink my tea and finish my expressions of gratitude. And please tell the Pope not to excommunicate me yet because I am Jewish and I go to the local synagogue just like Jesus so I don’t think that the Pope can touch me though I would like some human search preferably women or men with great feelings and generosity anybody at all understand perspective and different points of view lead to different views of the place in front of you. Give me the grace to follow now my own advice 4 otherwise it may be totally wasted which will be very sad in my room anyway and I think I’m right today but I will check up in the morning he

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