I am very clever,give me that I have got a first class aegrotat Do you feel that you would like one too ? Just get chicken pox or maybe flu
I went to York in winter,this is true Hebden Bridge had icebergs in the loo Then we were near Grimsby in thick fog The Humber Ferry crossed like coppers plod
In Hull they gave degrees in geography Now they teach the gross democracy That may be where I caught Golders Green My face is apple and my eyes are teal
I could have done degrees in Law or Greek I love to hear the way the foreign speak Give me Aramaic for my tea Give me ancient Hebrew,I am he.
I learned Dutch but I was not first class In fact I failed completely,I’m an ass
Hello Mary. what are you doing today? There stood a vision dressed in a teal jumpsuit it was Annie, Stan’s mistress,[ when he was alive.] Quite what her status as a former mistress can be is unknown,but she remained on friendly terms with Mary ;she had helped Mary a good deal while she was grieving,mainly by being present yet undemanding not to mention making frequent cups of tea and putting out the washing
I’m going to stay with the Pope in Rome ,Mary cried out from her pink armchair
Are you being sarcastic, ironic, or have you gone mad? Annie replied politely
Well I was trying to be sarcastic but I am not very good at it yet I hope to improve as time goes by because research shows being sarcastic improves your creativity
But can you be sure which part of your life will become more creative, Annie ask her thoughtfully with a little grin
For example you might become more creative in the way you trying to attract men
Well that would not be difficult, said Mary ,as I do nothing to try to attract them at the moment and on the other hand it could be rather time-consuming
Would it improve my ability to write in a creative manner or to be more creative in what I cook?
I have no idea Annie told her. the only problem is is that if you practice on me it might affect our friendship
You are far too childish, Mary told her. Is that sarcastic?
Tell me, the ex mistress of your ancient husband!
What do you mean ancient, he was only 23!
23 what? said Annie
Are we being sarcastic?
Well if we can’t know the answer then we are not being sarcastic because I am sure we would realise if we were
I am glad you can express yourself in such a brief manner
What have briefs got to do with it?
I just found a bag full of dry ones and I have been folding them and putting them into the drawer
Do you mean knickers?
Yes, I do, but I couldn’t remember the name
You’re pulling my leg
No I’m not. I’m nowhere near your leg
Don’t tell me that you are not familiar with the expression meaning “you are joking”
Why do you assume I am not familiar with anything?
I am giving you the benefit of the doubt
Doubt is a very dangerous State of Mind
Shall I wear the pink knickers or the blue ones I spend all morning trying to decide so it is best not to doubt anything but to believe that what you do must be correct and everybody else is wrong
That’s alright as long as you’re not stealing people’s husbands
If they can be stolen so easily what does that tell us about the state of the marriage? Nothing nothing at all, men are so easily beguiled that is in the best of marriages they’re not be enough to keep them faithful for ever
Don’t be so horrible I was trying to be sarcastic Should it not come naturally like loving?
What kind of loving do you mean? If you mean physical loving it doesn’t always come naturally to human beings’
.many couples go for help in having a baby and the doctor discovers they didn’t realise what sex was
They thought by sleeping in the same bed, the wife will get pregnant
It seems very hard to believe but compared to thinking about Donald Trump
and his lies, it is nothing
Shall I put the kettle on, said Mary
That is sarcastic Annie said because you know that I always put it on when I am here it is more like dropping hints Mary cried All these things are very hard for scientists. You don’t solve mathematical problems by dropping a hint nor does anyone drop hints to you whereas in interpersonal relationships it is very important to be able to drop hints and to be able to take hints when they’re dropped in front of you Mathematics and physics much easier than everyday life because they contain no sarcasm no irony and no hints whatsoever I wonder if Wittgenstein would agree with you.
As he is dead we cannot know but I am almost sure he would agree
I was just being sarcastic,that’s all!
It seems like that Mary and Annie are going to have to spend much longer practicing sarcasm before they were able to go outside and be sarcastic to neighbours or Friends
well Emile’s view is that he will not accept sarcasm from anybody
He will bite the hand that feeds him if necessary because he knows that Mary will forgive him when he apologizes
On the other hand it would be easier if he didn’t bite anyone And God might be angry with Emile for being a trying animal to live with
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk. Emile was lying on his stomach purring. You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see any mice better. Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.How can I get up from here? He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia’ Plath and banged on his desk softly. Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She got up and found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk. Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her. Then he rolled over and I fell out. That is logically and scientifically unsensible,Mary told him. Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up? I like it down here,the old man lied to her. OK Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999. Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my husband out of bed. How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away. Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match. How do you feel Stan,she enquired. I am thirsty,give me so brandy,he ordered her politely as he was very full of kindness. They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat. Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to seee the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws. Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife. Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan. Bigger than what,he responded academically. Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to get laid with your wife. True,he replied but I am 96 you know.I have erectile malefaction already and am unwilling to have more mistresses and lovers or even concubines. I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel. He’s not a Catholic I hope. No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted nervously. That’s alright then.He can have concubines if he chooses.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow/ It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats. But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed. But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it? No, it’s just he hates bacon and peperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as relics. Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah? Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water? No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned. I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried… God will not be very happy. I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said. He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round he world. Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her. And so say all of us For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times in a very real sense. Mary dreamed Stan was in heaven enjoying the company of Wittgenstein,Jesus and Pascal , not to mention Lady Jane Grey Ann of Cleves,Juliet,Cleopatra and an angel. At least at this point in time he can’t sleep with them ,she thought as she woke up.Though did that matter? Can men be faithful and monogamous? Look at Leonard Cohen.Was he better off flitting from flower to flower? Was he so stunning that women threw themselves at him and he could not resist?Sometimes people are actually afraid of intimacy or feel life is short and want some new experiences.Was he a wolf? It t akes one to know one It was indeed almost the worst of times when Mary remembered she had no food in the house except cat food for Emile.He was all she had now as her daughter Lyra lived in Australia and Stan was in heaven, she hoped. Here I am, she thought, pondering unanswerable questions and not looking after myself .It is probably best to err on the side of buying food and going out rather than lying in the bed wondering if life has any inherent meaning. or if we must create our own. Even discussing that with someone else would be better.But men folk don’t want to discuss serious topics with their lovers. It was an even worse time when she recalled a man who once loved her leaving her because she asked him if he knew what post-modernism was one night after going to the cinema to see a comedy.She realised then that she would have to play a part,To act like a woman.So far it was but moderately successful owing to her myopic view of life If only I had kept quiet, she told herself,I could be lying beside him now enjoying a few kisses and hugs and asking him how to light the electric fire.Still ,there’s many a slip twixt cup and lip Now then, said a loud voice.Stop ruminating and get up. One stitch in time saves nine. Who are you to say that to me, she called nervously ? She wondered of stress had driven her round the bend.She had begun reading a book which said mental illness in not an illness like flu. It is a reaction to bad events and other life strains. It doesn’t matter who I am,just do as I say, came the answer Mary recognised the voice.It was her dad who had died when she was 9. Dad, she called, why are you here now? Because Jesus told us to love our family, he revealed pleasantly. Why now after all these years? she persisted. I have missed you. I always did have a bad sense of direction,he told her.But do as I say.You won’t recover easily if you never get up.Stan is here but he is busy cleaning the gold cutlery for an angel. Alright, but I never knew there was cutlery up there, she murmured as she put on her new clothes.She had bought some purple trousers and two new jumpers.One was pink and one was teal.The trousers were exceptionally comfortable being in a last years’ sale by a famous label..She then found some Weetabix in the cupboard and some long life milk.As she drank her tea she admired the acer’s brilliant red leaves. Almost too bright, she thought.It’s due to the hot September.Plants are affected by their environment and so are we.Especially by bad or hot tempered men and women Poor people may have more than in the past but they tend to live in the ugliest areas of the town with no gardens nor parks. And seeing the better off walk by wearing expensive clothes it is surprising there are not even more muggings. She recalled seeing a man with a Rolex watch and gold earrings on talking on his new iPhone as he wandered through the Mall.I suppose we think everybody else is like us; we don’t mix with very poor or very rich people on the whole.Unless we are one of those two types. Mary went outside and found a neighbour wheeling in her bins. Thanks ,Tom, she cried.I wondered who it was.I am very grateful.What is post modernism,by the way?Nobody will tell me. Emile was watching from the window sill. I knew it was Tom, he mewed. But you didn’t tell me,Mary replied. You didn’t ask. Tom wandered off ,while Mary admired the autumn trees lining the road.Tom turned back and looked at her but she didn’t notice. Time for coffee, she muttered and went inside again.She was embroidering a table mat which said “Rumination is for the birds”.Where it had come from was a puzzle.But it may be a good thought
With words. he pulled some in and pushed some out He wanted love but still encountered doubts Should he make commitments then feel trapped? Should he disappear from lovers’ maps? He joined an online dating site and smiled His profile photo strong and slightly wild He got ten ladies asking for a date Did they want a lover or a mate? He gazed upon their photos,felt confused Did he want a wife or perhaps a muse? He could not bring himself to use the phone Spent the evening time at home alone
He fell into obsessive thought and dreams A new friend may be party to a scheme Could he trust his judgement or their truth Soon he lost his temper, gnashed his teeth Should he seek a therapist for aid? Was his mind withdrawn or in decay? Should he join a gym or grow a beard? Was he what they wanted, what they feared? In the end he thought his life away He died in bed alone one autumn day It does not matter deeply what we choose But life is more important than these clues
Oh,mother dear wherever have you been To leave a cat all day is very mean Emile,I need my freedom now and then I can’t love Dave but I would like a man I must go out to buy a handsome coat Cognac is the colour I love most
Emile cried, whatever do you think I saw some frogs a-courting in the sink I was on the draining rack up there They asked me to avert my amber stare Are frogs faithful, don’t they just leave spawn? They are cold towards tadpoles unborn We saw them by Moss Bank in shallow pools Mary wonders if all frogs are cruel Stan came in with his angels right behind They are tired of heaven, they’ve resigned Here’s a pin upon which they can dance Mary was delighted and entranced Do you need a dinner now you’ve died? I wouldn’t mind a steak, the old man sighed Some buttered new potatoes and a fool Rhubarb or vanilla would be cool I have done no shopping, Mary cried I have no money for the food you like Shall I get a pizza, fish and chips That will put some colour in your lips I am only joking, Stanley said I shall merely visit you in bed Emile wept with joy to see his Dad What a spirit, is he going mad? In came Annie in her long green coat Her eyes were black and scratched was her throat I fell into the Croal when eating chips See the bruises on my purple lips Never walk on water,Mary screeched Even when you cross all Southport Beach Stay away from danger,I’ll ring Dave He will dress your bruises with his gauze
Annie did not tell them all the truth She had fallen off the sloping roof
I dreamed she tried to smother me one night I had had suspicions with deep roots I screamed ad yelled and kicked her, as one might Then she tortured me with brilliant light As her minions climbed down from the roof I dreamed she tried to smother me, alive
She looked so ugly, she gave demons fright I wished I were a donkey kicking hoof I screamed and yelled,confusedten megabytes
Her muscles strong, her grip was over tight I tried to crash her laptop, no re- boot I dreamed she tried to smother me last night
I wished I were a tiger with cruel bite Or God whose name to angels was a proof I screamed and shouted 999, please write
She was more sadistic than astute She gave me pain, this action her debut I dreamed she tried to cut me off last night The two pint flask saved tea, my perfect right
While Annie departed in her unsuitable violet velvet trenchcoat for a holiday in Cleethorpes,Mary took a look at her FaceBook page before cleaning the grate You are a vile ,vicious person,Mary someone unknown from the Church of the Hard Left had written Well,I suppose eventually we all get stung by wasps, she muttered silently.Another person wrote, you are too stupid to have been to Oxford Maybe I should have gone to Cambridge, she pondered Don’t they realise that if they attack me personally it shows they can’t answer my questions? Why, there is a name for that…ad hominem? I know , said Annie, giving Mary a traumatic shock as she made no noise entering. It was too wet in Cleethorpes and there were no donkeys on the beach so I have come home. Have you any spare food You can eat with me,.I doubt if they let large people ride on the donkeys,Mary teased her Well,I’m not as fat as you,Annie cried rudely unable to contain her rage silently Even so,you may be too large for a donkey to carry you.Mary advised her ruefully Well, they should get stronger donkeys,Annie said critically How about an elephant,Mary joked in her cliched way What are you doing on FB? I have changed my surname to my Irish grandmother’s name What is it? McCracken I’ve never heard of it. Actually,it’s Scottish Why? She married a Scot,And I hoped those horrible people won’t know it You could wash up or make the bed instead I am tired of making beds and getting dressed Indeed Mary did look odd in a long striped dress from Land’s End and some hobnailed boots That dress is weird,Annie called.It’s like something from a Museum Oh, do stop criticising me;I have seen noone so why worry?Who cares But God can see you Do you think God is concerned about me wearing an orange and purple dress? I have no idea, but I don’t like orange unless it’s the sky at sunset Oh,my.I didn’t know my clothing might make you feel ill.No wonder men don’t ask me out. Do you want a man? Well, they give a background to life;they come in handy like electric tin openers Emile mewed loudly,I don’t like that.You should value men more OK Emile,I shall try my best.I’ll have to go to the pub to meet some Can I come too? I don’t feel a talking tomcat is a suitable accessory for a lady I won’t say a word, the poor animal replied.Am I now called McCracken too ? No, it’s only my virtual name,Mary assured him sensitively I am sure you could have got a better one, given more time,Annie said thoughtlessly I just didn’t want to think anymore,Mary said with anger in her voice I can understand that.There is too much thought and not enough feeling in modern society. And so feel all of us I think
Mary lifted her orange cast iron cooking pot out of the oven. “This pot is much too heavy ,”she informed her dear old husband,Stan. But what else can I use for my Beef in Beer and my Braised Beef with Ginger? I can’t think, he replied imaginatively yet timidly But Mary had already seen and loved a red cast aluminium casserole dish in the Ironmongers online You know, we’ve not bought a new pan for years, she cried thoughtlessly. Well,I’ve managed alright, he murmured, we have two copper pans and three stainless steel ones and the pyrex glass ovenware But I want something fancy I can put on the table.I feel the urge to invite someone round Emile was hiding by the pan rack, wondering what cast aluminium might be I hope you won’t drop this pot on me, he mewed plaintively Have I ever dropped the Le Creuset one on you.Don’t answer as if I had you would be dead You are being very blunt today,Stan remarked politely yet pointedly Oh, dear.I am sorry if I hurt you.I just recalled all the stews I used to make and inviting in anyone who happened to walk by.Now we don’t ask people in,I liked it before… life was slower then Well, if you want to get some bright new pots or dishes I’m not complaining.I know you bave back pain and you like colour.Get a colourful pot or two and we can give the heavy ones away.A younger person will love them. Why, asked ~Annie their neighbour who had just got in through the larder window despite being almost as obese as the PM She was dressed in a champagne coloured, waisted. long padded jacket with purple trousers and pink trainers with coral soles which matched her lipstick from Cats Factor of Wigan and Darwen. Her foundation cream was ivory beige from Eve St Torment of Paris,Southport and Glasgow. You look pale,darling, Stan declared tenderly Oh,damn and blast,I knew I should have got medium beige. What? It’s my makeup. You look nice with nothing on, he said happily though tactlessly. What about me,asked Mary faintly? You always look stunning, he whispered.I am just flattering Annie as she looks depressed No wonder with you as her companion.She should get someone who is not married. I tell her that, but i am old and I would be alone all day while you were teaching Babylonian Logic and Solomon’s Temple or maybe Wittgenstein and the need for Silence I know I am tired when I get home, she said urbanely Emile fell off the table and broke a bit off Stan’s chair OMG ring 999, Stan screamed Calm down, said Annie.I can mend it with superglue All these years calling out Dave and you could have fixed it.Why did you not say? Well,I lack confidence, she muttered, except about clothes and lipstick Emile had secretly phoned 999 and soon the doorbell rang In ran Dave, the talented and much loved paramedic. What’s wrong, he cried gaily Just the arm broke off this chair,Mary moaned.I feel faint How would you have managed in the War, he asked.
Breaking a chair should not affect you. I forgot to take my felopidine, she informed him.Will I have a heart attack? Go and get it now.No, missing one dose is ok but more than one puts you at risk Stan looked at his beautiful wife and her face like a mediaeval painting You are so brave, Mary, living with those spasms. What choice do I have ,she whispered? I submit to the will of God I wish you’d submit to my will,Stan compained loudly yet sensitively I will, shouted Annie Not here,Mary said,At least have the decency to go into the greenhouse But people can see in, Annie muttered I thought you might like that! Well,I would not.I’ll come tomorrow she shouted, as she ran out and slammed the door She’s upset; she went to Wigan for some makeup and she got the wrong shade of be=ge How many shades of beige are there,asked Dave? You should know,Stan cried.You wear make up sometimes I always like more information Well it’s not fifty. as that would cause confusion And take up too much space on the pharmacy counter. Why some of us are called white when we are just beige light or medium I do not know And nor do all of us including those labelled as black Life is not black and white except for the immature Alas, many of us are.Very.
Please wash before playing cards I didn’t know playing cards washed but I am happy to obey
Pleae be polite to other customers whether real or imaginary I think only Godel can solve this one and he went mad
Please call a cab if you are drunk Even if I am not going anywhere?
Don’t get overexcited about your new husband I didn’t realise he was new.
To avoid being put in a mental hospital, do manual work every day and always be polite even to politicians, hallucinations,mathemativians and anyone else hanging around
When you can sit down drinking tea all day and doing nothing that is Nirvana
Sewing is good especially mending and replacing buttons First, take off the buttons from your cardigan Find a needle and some matching thread I use easy thread needles as I am limited by visions Once they go,I thread my needle and sew the button back where I took if from Don’t do it too tight But, not too loose either If unhappy,repeat this over and over until bedtime
Knitting is good but wool is expensive Try buying online but make sure which country you are in first Get a friend to help you No friends? Try being polite and listening to others before you speak to them Otherwise, go to Church and pray.
But miracles don’t happen every day Are you too picky? Are you too excited to realise most people have not heard of quantum cookery
Soft corns,blisters,hard corns and toe nails Ankle socks and stockings, tights and boots Cover up the wounds with dressings white Put your feet up, rest by doing nought
Skin so thin it frightens me to think All I am finds boundary just here Yet our heart and soul can contain more Spreading like a shawl on loved ones dear
We cast our love like fishers cast their rods Not too sure of what will take the bait A simile so poor I blush bright pink For love seeks not to prey but rather waits
Across the entire world the hate runs wild Bleach your brain , don’t poison with your smile
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.
He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.
That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my aged husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel now Stan,she enquired tying her red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was full of kindness
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to lie next to your wife.
True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic ,I hope?
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted implausibly.
That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.
Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us.
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“I dunno”
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“No,it’s not”
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.
I keep making spelling misfakes At least you only made two there Why, if we have fakes we also have misfakes I see what you scream So a genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say But you can’t just invent words. Why not? You’ve caught me on the hop We do have a bathroom Is there a WC? Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house Why not? It would ruin the foundations. That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple To cut a long story short Very short. Meaningless in a very surreal sense Well, that is the end of Today the Lockdown They had no radios during the Plague And so say all of us
Oh,Emile got up, he yawned he stretched It was cat pandiculation For cats get stiff and cats get tense But they won’t write no dissertations Emile called to Stan and Stan got up Pet manipulationion Stan made tea and fed his cat
Emile’s ecstasisulation Mary came and she saw Stan Oh, a manifestation? Are you real,she , called to him What impertinentication!| I like your cheek, her husband shouts Show me your appreciation Where is that, his dear wife said Does it dwell under my apron? Well,Leonard Cohen has mentioned this I’m damned by my own veneration Oh,Stan get up and get some gin This is pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a mere notification
I have got myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by you in bed at night
There may be an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we both thought you had gone
I’ ll drown in my own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these men
It’s torment and it’s tribulation
The doctor told me you were dead
Is it conspirification?
Send a code to my android phone
That will verify my restoration
So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary ,asked Annie her dear neighbour charmingly attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription Why, was it for heroin? Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked ready to star in Death in Venice No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went on to Deliveroo and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a limited range, of course Mary’s oval face flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and jumper of pure new wool And her green trainers and matching tights But they had no milk so I continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small of food and drink In half an hour they were at the door and all was well Then one word came to my mind What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her newly washed her into ringlets so fast it looked as if she was destroying the roots Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left? Yes but Emile fell off the windowsill onto the work surface and crushed them all Do you believe it was an accident? Cats have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling food I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream. You never eat it.Annie told her But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams” That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake icecream nor eat it boiled with toast So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage or I will eat the icecream Then tomorrow I will phone them and say, those eggs you sent were off I have been sick all night.I want a refund This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies Not up till now but we have to change.Not just ethically but also we have to curse and swear Your fecking eggs were off. But Annie shouted: they will say We don’t sell fecking eggs but we have pickled eggs Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary That icecream has made you psychotic,Mary.,Annie informed her Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked softly Not yet but Emile might be if you carry on I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity And make some for all of us
Mary stood at the bus stop in her chocolate wool winter coat which Stan had always loved.It hangs so well,he had told her. The optional imitation fur collar had been removed as she preferred natural garment made from wool with no ostentation.As a matter of fact she has one of Stan’s woollen vests on under her gold silk top.Her hair fell in light blonde curls around her pensive face and her eyes looked as if she were seeing a dim vision of the Matterhorn in midwinter after drinking a double brandy
Suddenly she realised the bus was there ;she put her card up to the machine before looking for a seat.The bus was rather full so she sat down next to a youth with an i phone hanging from his hand.
Suddenly it rang.His chosen theme was, Please release me, sung by Tom Jones.
Mary smiled as, if she were near Tom Jones she would need no invitation to free him.
The youth began to speak rather louder than normal.
Mary tried not listen but it was impossible.She was too hot as well..Wearing Stan’s vest was a mistake as the bus was overheated.She turned pink like sunrise over ICI in Billingham as the pollution had a beautifying effect.
I’m sorry I wore your vest,she told Stan. I should have given them away but I was trying to save money on heating.Still I will be home soon.
Where is your microphone, the youth demanded.It must be one of those new tiny ones. A microphone? Mary said curiously. Yeah, he cried.I assume your phone is in your pocket.
Actually it’s in a pocket in my knickers,she informed h m in a manner resembling that of a mildly dotty scientist.We used to wear these knickers in the gym at school.
Did you not wear a top? he enquired,his eyes running over her hourglass figure like water falling off High Force in Teesdale. in summer storms.
Well.I didn’t have a bra until I got my grant to attend university,she told him sensitively.
Well,that’s news to me,he said.So you had to wear a bra at University? That was before feminism,of course.Did you burn it later?
Certainly not,said Mary.I’d been longing for one but my mother didn’t seem to notice my development which was her way of coping with adolescent girls.
Of course my brothers may have noticed but they were too nervous to tell Mother I needed anysupport.We were all so shy and afraid.Anyway be quiet now,I want to speak to my husband. Have you had your phone on all this time? he asked anxiously. No,I don’t need it to talk to him,she responded Why,where is he? the youth enquired sardonically. He’s on my knee,Mary informed him.In this bag.She pointed to her hessian shopping bag. I have just been to the Coop for him.I ought to have got a cab as he is quite heavy. Jesus Christ,cried the youth,hastily pressing the bell before leaping off the bus into a small pond that had been created b Hurricane Desmond.He swam away into the cold night. Well. that shut him up,Mary said to Stan. Mary,don’t become less gentle and kind,Stan said in her ear. I can’t be gentle now,she said.It’s a nasty tough world without you to help me and tell me what you think of Jeremy Corbyn.And do I need to have a roast dinner at Xmas or just some toad in the hole? I am sorry,sweetheart he murmured.Maybe you need assertiveness training. I’ll just get more aggressive,she replied.Micro-aggressive perhaps
.You’ll need more than micro in this era,he continued.Mary forgot to get off the bus and found herself in the Leisure Centre by the River Lee What about the river,Stan, she asked.
Would you like me to throw you in.A policeman standing near by ran over. Madam, is it suicide or murder, he asked her. No,it’s a life sentence,she said humorously as she put her hand up her skirt to get her phone. That’s a silly place to keep your phone he said.Anyway don’t call a cab,I can run you home in my car.Have you got any China tea?I could kill for a hot drink. I have some lapsang souchong,she told him.Do you fancy that?
I do, called Stan from the bag.
The policeman passed out. I told you not to get a boyfriend yet,he continued to Mary. I’ll do whatever I feel like,she said rudely.I could use a comforting arm around me. Stan sobbed quietly
.She said,quickly Don’t worry.I’ll get Emile to sit on my knee.Goodbye for now. Goodbye whispered Stan faintly. Good bye…. goodbye
Goodbye
Emile woke Mary up at 7am.It was a Sunday in late October, grey and damp though the sun was still not too low in the sky
Go away, she told him.The clock has changed.It’s not 8 am yet.I have to wash my hair as well.Get the Observer out of the basket for me,please.
I can’t read. the dear animal replied.And why don’t you rebel and stick to Summer Time?
I know Stan wanted to send you to Eton but we couldn’t afford it.Yet you understand days and calenders, Mary joked sorrowfully
She got up and found her fleece dressing gown; it was conker brown covered in coloured spots.She went downstairs and gave Emile a Whitby kipper.Then she made some tea and took it upstairs so she could drink it while she came round from her dreams
Suddenly Annie ran into her bedroom wearing a long black vinyl coat and red knee-high boots
You never locked the back door, she howled like a lost leopard which has had no food for weeks
I don’t suppose anyone wants my old TV as it is only 19 inches.And my Chromebook is not something worth re-selling.I do have a new coat.
How about Ray Monk’s life of Wittgenstein, Annie asked her defiantly, her apricot lips pouting childishly as the Riemann of Paris lipstick glittered uncannily like an imaginary number in a dream of Godel.
The people who might enjoy reading it are by virtue of that , not the sort to steal or buy it on the black market.
That is very racist, Annie told her.You should say:the beige market!
Then nobody would know what I meant, Mary said lovingly
Anyway, do you want to come to Marks with me? They have some beautiful coats in
I’d like a pink wool coat, said Mary thoughtfully
Quite right ,said Annie.Bring back feminine colours
Actually, gay men might like pink coats, she continued.But if they go on the bus they might get dirty.Come to think of it, so will women’s coats
They will have to buy pink puffa jackets and we can wash them at 30 deg.Mary whispered
Using a special detergent, Annie asked?
I have never seen a detergent for washing gay men.I don’t think they will fit into the washing machine.On the other hand, you are small so you will fit in
Shall I get undressed first, Annie asked furtively.
Yes, I’ll try to put you on a short wash for 15 minutes but it is your choice.Maybe a bath would be safer?
No problem, said Annie intellectually.Are you having one with me?
You’d better be careful, Mary ad-libbed.It might be sexual harassment.
Well, I am not gay , said Annie.
You never know till you try, Mary giggled ,like a child behind the school canteen
Why, we might become gender fluid and then who knows?
And so say all of us
Miaow
When God came down , the rivers overflowed Great trees were floating ,angled and exposed The houses broke up like a loaf to crumbs The hearts of humans trembled till they hummed
The winds deceived, the gusts unmeasured stung The churchbells shuddered then untimely rang The power was cut and all our screens were dark Where were the rulers, where the saving Ark?
The women giving birth were paralysed The babies in the womb took ill and died Their cradles rocked the world, they swung so fast And in a moment all of life had passed
In the void, God started his new world Rich and strange, the grit and then the pearls
Mary was feeling lonely on Sunday so she decided to go to the Urgent Care Centre in a cab.There were not many people there but enough to give her 2 hours in the Waiting Room.Having signed in ,by claiming to have a UTI, she took off her red coat bought in 1992 in a Sale, and opened her phone.What to read?
Hitler’s Downfall
Quick Cakes
A few novels by Margaret Drabble
Freud the Fraud
Sex crimes in therapy
The rise of Fascism in Europe
How to care for a husband
The Second Sex
Feminism and Sexual Orders
How to enjoy your body before it is too late
Differential operators and their followers
After 2 hours Mary went to the Unisex toilets.While inside she hear her name called
I’m in here, she shouted.
Take your time
She handed the kind doctor her sample which was very pale
He went out and came in again
You have a nasty infection, he said calmly
What shall I do?
We have some antibiotics here on Sundays.The pharmacy is shut
Thank goodness
He went to see what he could find and handed her a box of pills
It wa nice to meet you doctor, thank you.No wonder I felt odd
Yes, it makes you feel confused and less smart
Indeed.I meant to go to Church but came here by accident
How lucky
Mary went outside and ordered a cab
Well, that was a blessing, she told herself until she saw Annie dressed in purple velvet running down the corridor followed by Emile on a bicycle
Well, that’s what I saw before I took those pills
I have got more and more incontinent. Do stop admiring Europe
Why do the government tell us to eat more fruit and veg? To help evacuate the Common Market from our bodies
Why do the government not have enough beds in hospitals? They can’t all go to sleep at once
Why are the politicians so stupid? Because we are.
I am still incontinent Don’t worry, only another week in the EU I’ll apply for an Irish passport You’re not Irish No, but my parents were
I will miss the Spanish omelettes But you never go there
I will not miss Mass on Sundays. I will become an atheist and worship myself for an hour.Much more satisfying.
I wonder how Enlightened we are. Well, the light is not the problem.It’s the vision.
I saw the Light once
Say hello from me.
God is love So is real love God?
Can we go on the Trans Siberian Express Only if you are Trans But how do they know? Wear a T shirt with Trans on the front That won’t be very warm in Siberia We all have to suffer for our beliefs. It’s not a belief What, you don’t believe you are trans? I believe everything. You’d better be careful.Some people tell lies Really? I’d never have guessed You must be stupid How rude. I am very stupid at relating to people That’s honest.But don’t tell anyone But they’ll know after I’ve insulted them again and again Just smile and keep quiet. Smile
I am doing research into which place people watch TV, the young man at the door told Mary
I rarely watch TV, Mary informed him
First please tell me your name and ethnic group .he asked her.We must follow the rules ,if not the rulers. he muttered
My name is Danish so I am a Viking, she told him proudly
OK, that makes you English, he said deftly filling his form
You might as well say that the Romans descendents are English, she said in her mellifluous voice
After 2,000 years I think they qualify, he joked
Some were black
I don’t care if they are purple, he said courteously.At some point those born here are English.
What we mean is that there is no such thing as being English,Mary said academically
So true, the poor man John whispered.I am a Celt.Not a cult. You seem a very nice lady.Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me? We could csrry on chatting
Do you mean come?
Come or go, give me an answer.do
I know it’s not where you usually go but I don’t earn much.
Yes,I’ll meet you at the bus stop at 5 pm, she answered.I don’t have a car
Neither do I, said John.
I like this bus.The people on it are really friendly
Mary shut the door and wondered what to wear
Annie appeared and tapped on her window with her manicured hands
You are just who I need,Mary cried with joy.
She explained her problem and her date
I think jeans and a nice anorak with a scarf that makes you look grotesque
Will John like that?
It’s the fashion,Annie said pertly.I am amazed you are going out with that man.You don’t
know who he is.He might be a murderer.
I doubt if a psychopath would take me for a burger… more likely a posh restaurant
Good point, said Annie brightly
Let’s look at my scarves,Mary said.How about this zebra print?
I like this blue one with books printed on it,said Annie
I could wear both of them!~
You could start a trend, her dear neighbour told her
Meanwhile Emile was having a panic attack in the kitchen
Don’t panic,Emile said Mary.You can’t linger in McDonalds
The seats are small and close together
Tell me, which scarf do you prefer?
I like that one with cat’s eyes on it.Wear that and he will know you have a protector.
Honestly, it’s too much bother to decide.If only women had fur like cats,Mary said
What about shoes? called Annie
I’ll wear the green trainers and red socks
You will be a sight for sore eyes if you add some makeup
On hearing this, Mary screamed hysterically.
I think I’ll stay at home
Annie went onto Mary’s patio at 10 am and began to water her many tubs.The watering can was filled with rain water though the weather was now a little drier.Emile ran behind her admiring her tight black jeans from Calvin Klein and her red blouse from Bowlands of Wrath.Suddenly the bedroom window opened and Mary leaned out.
Hi Annie,I have not gone away after all.I
Why not? asked her caring and dear neighbour loutishly.
Well,I completely forgot because I was out last night meeting a man from Soul-mates and got home so late I slept right through the alarm.
A pity you didn’t bring him back,said Annie licking her lips.
I cant bring any man here so soon,Mary informed her.I rang the hotel and cancelled my booking.With the weather so odd even Blackpool Illuminations would not cheer anyone up.I didn’t know which clothes to take either.
Isn’t it interesting that as we get better off we get problems like that,remarked Annie. When we were young we had so few clothes we had no trouble packing.
Mary laughed.My first year after University I bought two cotton dresses in Woolworth’s.I thought they were ok but later discovered they were almost transparent.Anyway we wore them and threw them away.But now few women wear dresses.Look at you in those jeans and you a pensioner!
Annie gazed up to Mary, revealing her thick Revlon skin polish and L’Oreal cream rich foundation in golden grey-beige.Her parted lips were coated in moisture rich coral lipstick by Mussolini and Co. of Argentina and Vienna.
Mary was wearing a long nightgown made of pure nylon decorated with photos of cats of all breeds.Emile had given it her for her birthday.He had managed to type it into the google box on his laptop paying with Stan’s credit card from the Bank of Vichy and Nice,France.
I want some tea,Mary said.Soon she appeared in a polyester house dress from Daxon of Paris and the Ruhr. lt was covered in pictures of snakes.
Why,those snakes are rather horrible, Annie said.
I know snakes are in fashion but I shall avoid them.I saw some trousers in Marks but they might give a man the wrong impression.
That is sexist ,Mary told her shyly.They might give a lesbian the wrong impression too.
Oh,dear. Isn’t life hard now when we have to be so careful what we say.I wonder if it is because of social alienation and the rapid changes in demographics that we need rules when before we knew all our neighbours and they knew us.With strangers we need more rules.
I agree, said Mary defiantly.And I just saw a book called “Compassionate Assertiveness Training”She laughed.
Shall we send one to Donald Trump.Can you believe what America is like if a man like that can be President?
Well,it’s a democracy so if Satan lived there he could stand if he had the money..
The two women suddenly fell silent.Emile was puzzled as they rarely paused like this once they got going
Is he the anti-Christ, purred the little cat.
Satan or Donald Trump? asked Annie.
Well …. we’ve never seen Satan as yet…But we must watch out in case he comes here to punish the weak and the sick.
Well that gave them all a moment of wonder before Mary grilled some bacon and cut some bread from a loaf she got in the Victoria Bakery.
Here you are,she said to Annie,handing her a sandwich.Better eat anyway,whatever happens.Give me some hot tea,quick
And so pray all of us.
For he’s a Bally Woodfiller,
He’s a Wooly Sad Triller
And all day so are us.
The fishing nets have tangled round a little submarine Can the sailors pull it up, or will their nets all break? We wonder who might live in it, it can’t be the Queen
I looked once in the mirror and I see my face is green Maybe I’ll eat soup again and not a giant rump steak The fishing nets once tangled round a little submarine
We once had a Bishop but he just had a Dean He told me once that saying Mass is just a piece of cake We wonder who might like such food, it can’t be the Queen
I get washed with olive oil and in summer I feel clean I wish that little wafer were a Cadbury’s chocolate flake The fishing nets once wrangled and their maths was quite marine
If I see my boyfriend now,I might let out a scream Feeling his proximity, my entire heart might break We wonder who might enjoy that it can’t be the Queen
Life can be much better with a little pat and stroke Wash your mate in olive oil, he’s such a lovely bloke The fishing nets did tangle round a little submarine We wonder who might live in it, God has not been seen
Stan had eaten too much pizza because he was extremely ravenous from doing the washing. and hanging it up on the mulberry tree in his long garden Now he felt lazy and haphazardly dim and other worldly and liable to have visions..
Now and then he saw an angel whom he called Yael in his home.But having looked up Yael on a website he realised she was not a very nice woman unlike his dear wife Mary.So he was planning a new name for the angel with her permission
Do you mind if I change your name,he enquired gently when Yael came in through the French window.
Well,what to? Yael asked him familiarly
How about Ysabel? Stan offered.It’s got just an extra b and s.
Or how about,Sybael?
You seem fond of b and s, the angel answered in confusion.
It was just mere chance,said Stan somewhat defensively.
Ok I’ll take Sybael,the angel said loudly .
I want to change my name too, said Emile the cat of Stan.
How about Mebiles or Melibes or Eimbles….
I don’t know, pouted the cat haughtily.
How about Semile,said Stan.T
hough it has no letter b in it, he bragged.
They all pondered quietly as the sun shone in through the window and made a lovely lacy pattern on the wall.
In came Mary,Stan’s sweet old wife and his computer aided extension too.
You are very quiet,she murmured.What’s going on here ?
We are trying to find a new name for Emile,Stan told her as Sybael waved her wings about.
It seems very draughty in here,Mary said.
And Emile can’t change his name because it will change his personality.
I didn’t know I had a personality,the little cat purred.
It is what is most characteristic of you.For example, if you always hurt those you love then you have a cruel personality or you have got diabetes.Some people want love but they are too harsh and demanding.
So true,Stan added pensively.
Anyway,I have some awfully strange news,Mary went on.
You just won’t believe this but Dorothy Grey who lives at the bottom of the hill has just had a heart attack.
How come?
She had an online love relationship with a rather peculiar but intriguing and clever elderly man who turned out to be a sadist in disguise.So when she ended the affair he flew over and attacked her with an air gun and some cat’s claws which he had bought from a cat market
Is he a wizard,asked Emile.
No, he flew on a stolen magic carpet from Persia.
Persian carpets,I’d love one here said the cat greedily
Actually it’s a kind of plane,said Stan.
How boring ,said Mary angrily.
Anyway Dorothy was so shocked her arteries spasmed and she is in A and E now on morphine,she added…
What a shame that she got that instead of a spasm elsewhere….Stan muttered thinking of Freud.
But who’d have sex with such a horrible old man? Mary asked.
An equally horrible old woman,maybe? Stan riposted.
Any way it all goes to show the dangers of online love, he informed the room.
It’s not real love,is it, because in real love the other person is as important to you as yourself.Mary said theologically.
Well. now Eros is a kind of love,too.But many old men just want their washing done and a companion.Eros has departed from their world.
Sybael smiled and then flew out of the window.
What was that noise, said Mary anxiously.
Just an angel’s wings,said Stan quietly
If only Dorothy had seen an angel instead of that harsh old man she might be much better now.Mary mused.But not everyone can see them.Their world seems full of horrible old men and beautiful young women
Emile winked at Stan and then ran out to chase a butterfly amongst the scented tulips.. there were lots of angels there every day but only he knew.
Angels don’t like big modern cities but they like old abbeys and cathedrals and places where such things used to be before post modernist architecture took over.
And cat’s claws are not meant for scratching your loved ones either.And online dating should be avoided except with atheists and agnostics.They are less judgemental about women’s place and roles.It’s strange how harsh many religious people are.Harsh and unforgiving.
Mary went to the hospital to see the rheumatologist.The entire hospital had been re-built and half the site was full of so called “Executive Homes” She and Annie took a cab as it was raining hard.Although Mary was wearing her new green raincoat, she did not like to get it wet. Where did you buy your mac,Annie enquired jauntily? Cotton Traders,Mary admitted nervously.It looked lighter than it is and Stan liked me in green You already have two trenchoats and a nylon mac,Annie told her.} And Stan is no longer here What’s it to you?Do you want me to give all my money to the poor? Well, some of it,Annie responded anxiously.You need to pay your utilities.
My utilities!That sounds like something sexual that cannot be openly named,Mary cried You are confusing it with urethra, Annie laughed What is my ethra? whispered Mary No, the urethra is a little tube for the bladder to empty itself through Isn’t the human body amazing? Mary acknowledged using a cliche for better effect Definitely, said Annie and I love wearing beautiful clothes like velvet Where do we draw the line though, between looking good and giving money to the poor, tortured or victimised,Mary pondered
It is hard now because we can see what the rich have and we want it.Annie shouted calmly Or in your case you can see all those philosophy books on Amazon and buy them with one click she continued. Mary could see in her mind’s eye her living room piled high with books but if she were rich like Michael Frayn she could have a huge house full of shelves and desks. Adam Phillips,’ room looked more full than Mary’s and he must want it like that
In the waiting room Mary looked at Wittgenstein’s biography by Ray Monk on her kindle while Annie read The Sun.Soon Mary was called in Hello, said Doctor Morse.How are you? In the pink , she cried shyly.I don’t understand that, he said in his kindly way It’s an old English saying.It means I feel fine, but I don’t really that’s why I am here He looked at her left hand. and said there was no cartilege between the the thumb and wrist. Where has it gone,Mary asked but he remained silent Then he said,I think steroid injections will help.Would you turn your chair round by 180 degrees so you can put your arm on my desk? Mary turned round and felt a bit dizzy It’s hard getting older isn’t it, the doctor said in a tone rather artificially kind like a bad actor on stage and afraid of forgetting his lines or whether he was in King Lear or a Comedy Mary burst out laughing to her surprise. You are a weird person, the told her thoughtfully with his glowing eyes shining like the sun over Lake Windermere in October. Well, we can’t all be exactly the same ,she told him logically Then she had to turn her chair round again. despite her poor hands Why don’t you have swivelling chairs ,she asked pointedly They won’t give me enough money, they doctor said even though I a Consultant and I have published lots of papers Can’t you buy a second handchair? Mary wondered No, it has to pass Health and Safety,Dr Morse whispered cautiously I see.Well don’t blame it all on the EU. I love the EU, he told her.I hope Brexit fails Me too she croaked sweetly They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes until his next patient arrived I will see you in September, he told her optimistically his smile making her giggle inside so her body shivered with repressed laughter not fear
Miaow, cried Emile from Mary’s designer handbag What in Gd’s name is that, the doctor asked nervously
Don’t worry doctor.I forgot to leave Emile in the Waiting Room Emile stuck out his head and smiled at Dr Morse Good morning, he said graciously.Is Dave the paramedic here? No, they are not here they have their own Ambulance Station down the road Emile began to sob as he liked to get his own way by any means he could Mary apologised as she shook hands with the doctor. Thank you for helping me, she murmured.I feel better already And so say all of us
Doctor, I saw my husband last night I’ m afraid the NHS can’t help you. But he’s an hallucination Do stop showing off.I know you taught Philosophy at Cambridge That’s why I am like this. Like what? Peculiar. You seem lovely to me I can’t have that on the NHS. You are correct there.You’ll have to go private But I paid tax all my life. That was not intended for creating a love life for old people Well, that is better than using it to buy material for bombs You make it seem like the Government are terrorists Well, white is white and black is black.Fuzzy logic, bring it back.
Yes in a very real sense they are Terrorists I see you need some very major tranquillisers I have stemetil for vertigo Take the whole box Doctor,I usually take the pills.Maybe you need help. Stop playing with words I will play with anything I choose Oh,Lord.I hope it’s not me Are you praying on the NHS No, it’s 1,000 pounds Can we haggle? Certainly not I can’t afford it.I’ll go to church, that is free Hurry or they will sell them to Trump I don’t think Gd would like that What’s Gd got to do with it? All and nothing ,I fear Whatever can be said,can be said simply.
But most things can’t be said And so say all of us Thanks,Wittgenstein.We miss you. So pray for all of us
Mary has a dear friend who lives, alas , nowadays in northern Scotland. Clare moved back there when her mother became unable to manage at home. Then Clare developed very severe problems with her feet and legs and had been offered psychotherapy by the pain clinic.
After Mary had been talking to Clare on the phone she thought to herself,
I wonder if I should speak to a therapist because I am still grieving for Stan and it’s possible therapy might be able to tell me whether what I’m feeling is normal or whether I am going round the bend.
Mary found several counsellors near where she lived by looking on the Internet; she had interviewed five and decided on one called Margaret Slipknot, Dr Slipknot had a room in a private hospital in the best road of the entire City.
Good morning, please take a seat over here, Margaret said to Mary.
Now you can tell me anything you like; it is completely confidential except that if you tell me you are going to kill somebody or commit suicide, I am obliged to tell your doctor or the police. Is that alright with you?
Oh yes said Mary that seems quite sensible because I understand the motivation behind it all, knowing several widows ; they have mentioned that they didn’t want to go on living alone.But I did not tell their doctor or the police because sometimes everybody feels like that and once they realise it they are quite happy, in a sense.They can accept it.I have got a very good friend next door call Annie and I know many colleagues at the university but since my husband died I feel as if there is a void at the centre of my being and whatever I do will not fill it.
Margaret. said, Perhaps this void has a role to play in your life.
What kind of role could a void have?.Mary gasped
Just say whatever comes to your mind.
A void is not something that people talk about very much and I’m not sure if it’s just the right word to describe what I am sensing but it is more than just a little emptiness.
Stan used to make my dinner every night when I came home from the University and he also used to feed the cat and put the rubbish out not to mention listening to my thoughts about what happened to me while I was at work, and all the people that I have met. So when I come home now feeling weary and tired I have to make my own dinner.
And do you make yourself dinner?
Not always. you see when Stan was alive I had a certain motivation to be a good and loving wife. I used to do a lot of planning to make sure that, even though he was going to do the cooking, that there were all the required ingredients in the cupboard plus also spices and herbs and garlic. I realise now that I have not bought any garlic for the past year.
People don’t usually come to see me just because they have not bought any garlic lately, the therapist cried.
When Mary heard the word lately she began to cry because late is a word used to denote people who are dead like the late Prime Minister, Winston Churchill.
I see that you are still feeling sad and there’s nothing wrong with that but I am a little concerned about how you will cope with all your new responsibilities as well as continuing your work and life with students, Which all the things you mentioned about your husband do you miss the most?
I think the thing I’m missing him most for is putting out the rubbish. He always insisted on doing this even when he was very ill and I find it hard to remember to do it when I never did it before.It seems to me that a woman needs a man to put out the wheelie bins out and collect big cardboard boxes which need crushing.I feel bad putting the wheelies out by myself in the dark.
That doesn’t seem very nice, Margaret cried, that you only miss your husband because you have to put out the rubbish now yourself. I know that I’m not meant to give you advice.I want to listen to you but I cannot really believe that the main thing that you miss him for is this.
Well said Mary, don’t push me; this is the first session we’ve had and I am still testing the water.In other words don’t you realise that I’m not going to tell you the most sacred aspects of my being until I feel like I can trust you.
I’m not implying that you are an irresponsible, foolish person, but don’t you think after working for 20 years as a psychotherapist that you should know that even in normal life we don’t tell someone we’ve never met before the very intimate and secret aspects of our being. There are some people who do this when they are not taking into account the person who they are speaking to, who they have never met before.Except people do it on trains.
I see, said Margaret. I will wait until you feel able to tell me what you miss the most. I don’t suppose it’s sex because you are much too old for that, although that is one way that some people fill in a void.
Do you think that women feel that their womb is an empty space inside them and wish to put something into it, asked Mary
Everybody’s different; now even if you have sex it won’t fill your womb now as I already mentioned I think you are too old to have sex.
Mary felt very angry,
How dare you say I am too old to have sex. Stan used to teach classes of pensioners about statistics and other topics and he told me that many of them said that they were still involved in a sexual relationship.Now we don’t know quite how far they would go in that way but they have an interest.I thought that therapists were not meant to make judgements about what their clients say to them.
Are you really a trained psychotherapist? You must be earning a lot of money to rent this room in a private hospital and as far as I can see you do not seem to have any common sense, let alone uncommon sense.
Margaret’s face went bright red,
I am sorry she cried, I was a little bit nervous when you told me that you were a mathematician And it threw me off my stride because I thought that you might be more intelligent than I am.
Intelligence by itself is not enough;it can be used to make nuclear bombs; to start Wars ;to gather information about your enemies what you really need is time and care and the ability to listen without criticism or judgement for the person who is with you ;you must have met some other people who were quite intelligent .It seems to me that you need more Training so that you are able to deal with your issues of fear of the highly intelligent person. You don’t need to have a fear of them and we are just the same as other people except that for some reason we preferred the geometry of the spheres to dating boys when we were 16.
In my case, it was after I had an operation to remove my appendix and was convalescing for several weeks. I came across a book called “Mathematician’s delight” by W.W.Sawyer And I read it about imaginary numbers and complex numbers so then I realised that mathematics was not just arithmetic and quadratic equations.
I don’t know whether I will come to see you anymore. What you said has taken away my faith in my judgement of people. You seemed the best therapist that I interviewed but now we’re starting I think I might have made a mistake.
Please don’t stop, said Margaret, I need the money!
So you think that I should continue seeing you here when you already proved yourself a little inadequate, merely to give you money. I am afraid I am not rich enough to see you if I will have to see somebody else as well, since you are no good
I’ll tell you what said Margaret, let me give you another session completely free and see how we get on then.If you are still unhappy with me then, of course, you must find a different person. I realise my training was incomplete because we are all graduates or doctors and then we do five years training so we believe we are superior to most of the people who come for treatment but when I speak to my supervisor I will tell her that I think we all need to look at this question of superiority because neither you nor I is actually morally or ethically superior to everybody else ;it can sometimes appear that we can see somebody is very inferior morally like Hitler or Pol Pot but it’s now obvious most of the time
I’ll give you a call, Mary said when I have made my mind up; it is very kind of you to offer me a free session when you are so short of money. if I were your therapist, I would tell you that you were short of money because you are not very good at your job and therefore you will not have enough patients to make a living.On the other hand, it may be that you need to take an extra job, stacking the shelves in the supermarket to give you enough money to live on without exploiting human beings like myself.
However, I am glad that I realised that I feel this void inside me because I now realise that I felt it long before my husband died and it must be linked to something else in my life, not just to him
Alright, said Margaret thank you very much for being so honest I hope you will come again.If not, I wish you good luck in finding someone who can travel with you on your journey into your new life.Thank you, said Mary. I will phone you soon, goodbye.
When she got home she told Emile, her cat.He said he wished he had gone with her to see how beautiful Margaret was.
That is very selfish, Emile.You need to hear what she says!
When Mary got home after her Autumn shopping trip. she went into the kitchen where her cat was waiting anxiously
What have you bought,Mother, Emile miaowed
I got some black patent Mary Janes in Clark’s Sale
You had some like that before.You said they were tight
Mary put the kettle on.It was copper coloured and cordless
Are we having our coffee now, the cat enquired?
Yes, but also I have read about a trick with tight shoes.Watch this.She laid the shoes on newspaper and poured boiling water into them
Oh,mother, that seems. cruel he phoned 999
Hello, my mother has poured boiling water into her shoes
Why?Is it to wash her feet?
No, but I am worried the shoes might be hurt.
We’ll send the ambulance immediately
Meanwhile Mary had emptied out the boiling water.She took off her socks and put the new shoes on.
There , you see.They will fit now
The doorbell rang.Two policemen ran in.
We hear you are causing suffering to your shoes
Is that illegal ,Mary murmured?
Almost.When Boris lets Parliament begin we believe hurting leather shoes will become a crime
Is it because we are in the EU?
No, it’s only we British people who care about the pain of objects made from dead animals.So as soon as we Leave Boris will pass a new law
Is he a dictator,Emile miaowed?
We can’t answer that,Sir.You speak good English but where are you really from?
What is your first language?
Are you implying I am an illegal immigrant?That I swam in up the Humber or swam with seals off North Norfolk before coming to Weybourne a well known way for Conquerers to enter England? I am not Julius Caesar and he landed near Deal.There is a big plaque there.Not put there by him!
Yes, are you from the Ukraine or anywhere in Eastern YouRup?
Are they like YouTube?
Don’t mess with us.We can arrest you.We are the Police and soon we’ll have our own State!
But you have no paw-cuffs. have you?
We can use string, the policeman said creatively
That sounds much more cruel then putting hot water into my shoes,Mary said politely but with a certain edge to her voice.
The policeman looked foolish.Yes,madam.
And cats can’t have passports, as yet.They go to a Cattery on the North Yorkshire Moors for their holidays.Some go to Cornwall.
Am I going, asked Emile? I don’t want to go all by myself.
No,I am renting a cottage in Hunstanton where pets are allowed.And the sands are white and the cliffs coloured in three layers
Thank you, replied Emile.I am happy to hear that.Can I have a bathing suit,Mother?Are there rock pools?
Ask LP Hartley
Mary was feeling lonely on Sunday so she decided to go to the Urgent Care Centre in a cab.There were not many people there but enough to give her 2 hours in the Waiting Room.Having signed in ,by claiming to have a UTI, she took off her red coat bought in 1992 in a Sale, and opened her phone.What to read?
I
![M4103903 [1024x768].JPG](https://words-cat.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/m4103903-1024x768.jpg?w=640&h=853)
Stan had eaten too much pizza because he was extremely ravenous from doing the washing. and hanging it up on the mulberry tree in his long garden Now he felt lazy and haphazardly dim and other worldly and liable to have visions..
How my heart sings 