I don’t even know if it is Russian

Thanks for calling to tell me I am owed insurance  money after that bus ran over me in Uxbridge Road.However,I   have died since.

Thanks for asking me what I think of your  telephone service.I prefer Westminster Cathedral.

Thanks for  saying I have a beautiful voice.However you may not realise I am 87 and  no longer date strange men  or indeed any men or other human beings.

Thanks for the offer of  three pairs  of shoes for the price of two.I have 50 pairs of shoes now so I must turn down your offer or buy a new home.

Thanks for sending me the Sun.If the Guardian is not there I’d prefer nothing at all to come or if  you are desperate  for money send The Telegraph

Thanks but the LRB is too much for me already.It gives me a certain je ne sais  pas or qua or da da  as I walk into the Turkish Cafe for my coffee.It keeps men at bay.And women,I hope.I love Jesus best.

Please stop writing to me.I don’t speak Russian.I don’t even know if it is Russian.And I do not want to  be  your wife.Or a spy.