Mary was washing her rug on the patio watched by Emile who had pondered over the notion of leaping into the warm water in the big bowl.Fortunately, he had seen Mary was using biological detergent,
What will happen to my fur if that gets onto it? he asked his human mother
It will kill all those bacteria on it, she replied.And if you lick it then it will taste nasty,
Mary’s new boyfriend was coming for tea and she wanted the house to look clean.
I will give you a bath too Emile as Ron wears linen trousers.He will be angry if you leave footprints on him.
I am not interested in Ron , Emile replied.I wanted a lady cat to canoodle with.
I am sorry Emile but there are no websites for love deprived cats.You will have to run around the town until you find another lady friend.You are very handsome and your amber eyes are a true beauty to behold
Emile sobbed.I miss Stan, he cried.
So do I, Mary murmured, but we have to move on
How can you have found another man so soon.You are still grieving
Well, it’s just chance, Ron fell over a brick on the pavement and landed in my arms.I didn’t know about the brick and thought he was an acrobat like Norman Wisdom.I imagined he must like me and invited him to have coffee in the Mathematical Symbols Cafe otherwise known as the Pie Shop.
Ahaha, went Emile.That’s a good one.Who paid the bill?
The manager was so pleased to see me look happy he didn’t charge us a penny
That is unusual, Emile purred.I bet he was not English
I believe they are Turkish, Mary told him.They are very kind and polite
And how about Ronald? Did he like them?
He thought making pies was unusual for Turks.He has been all over that area and seen the wonders of the world.
The doorbell rang.It was some secret Catholic missionaries asking Mary if she read the Bible.
Of course not, she said, Catholics like me can’t read the Bible.It’s full of sex.
Is it really, an elderly red faced man exclaimed.Can you give me the references?
Try the Song of Songs she said and then look up Sodom and Gomorrah
I’d want something easier, he told her.I am still a virgin.
Well, that is a surprise.Did you never get married?
Being married does not always lead to sex, he informed shyly.My wife was very timid
Why did she marry you then, Mary said anxiously
I am very rich, he said and she liked my car
That is a silly reason for getting married.Did you never cuddle or canoodle on the sofa?
No, her mother always came with her wherever we went
Did that not tell you there was something odd about her?
I didn’t know what to think.
I hope her mother did not share your bed?That would be a sure way of making sure you were both virgins.Although her mother was obviously not one.She sounds what we call ” Intrusive”.If you marry again, make sure her mother is dead first!
You seem a very charming lady.Are you married?
I am not but I have a boyfriend.
Are you engaged?
Do people bother now?
Yes, he cried as he knelt down and offered her a large diamond ring he had in a little box
Will you marry me?You have such beautiful eyes.
You don’t even know my name, Mary shrieked.
Does it matter, he responded hopefully
Just then Ron arrived with a big bunch of red roses.
What is going on, he asked Mary plaintively
This gentleman wants me to become Catholic, she said politely
Do they give everyone a diamond ring? Ron enquired softly
Well, actually I am Jewish, the man told them.But my mother never arranged a marriage though I did marry once and it was annulled.We never consummated it, you see.
You seem to have left it late, Ron said nicely
Do you think you might be gay?You can get married now if you find the right man who might be the love of your life.
I might annoy the Rabbi, the man said.We Jews are keen to increase in numbers after the Shoah
Did you know there are only 13 million Jews alive now?If we compare that to the number in the Roman Empire, then proportionately there would be 200 million He began to sob.
You’d better come in, Mary said.What’s your name?
Sol, he replied
Well Ron, bring Sol through and I will make the tea.
As Emile had been listening he ran into the drawing room and jumped onto Sol’s knee
What’s your name, asked Sol impudently?
Emile Tangent-Turnip, the cat replied.
Wow, a talking cat.What next?
Annie, Stan’s former mistress came in.She pushed Emile off Sol’s knee and sat there herself.
What do you think of transcendental numbers, she piped up?
I never heard of them but if you like them I will like them as well.Tell me about them,he demanded ardently
I am afraid I don’t know, said Annie.I am a complete idiot.I thought men preferred that
No, most Jewish men like educated, intelligent women, he solemnly informed her.
But do you like large bosoms and makeup?
I think you are getting impertinent, he screamed. into her ear.Most men like bosoms but we don’t like women who talk this way.
Oh, dear, said Annie.I’m terribly sorry.You see I am a virgin and don’t know how to deal with men.
Do the two things always go together, he enquired.
It’s not being a virgin that stops you talking to men, it’s not knowing how to talk to men that keeps you a virgin.Though no man likes women who talk too much.
Ron laughed.Who defines what is too much , he asked, like a professor of logic? Surely it depends on the topic.He winked at Mary who was carrying a large iced chocolate cake into the room.
Emile ate a piece of cake as he watched the humans talk.Now if they were cats, he thought they would not all still be virgins at the age of 108.So being human stops people enjoying their bodies because they think Adam would still be a virgin if Eve had not offered him the apple.Then where would we all be?Nowhere, that is the answer.
Ron got up and said he was going to ring 999 because Sol was looking peculiar,
Do you mean he is looking at you peculiarly or he looks unwell or mad, asked Annie nervously?
Do you want to go to A and E, she asked Sol.
Why not?It will make a day out,he replied wildly.
The thing is,once you get there you could be there for hours,Mary said.
I once was there with Stan and at midnight the nurse asked me if I wanted to be admitted.He was still lying there with his eye bleeding,his nose broken and feeling weak owing to lack of food.He had passed out because of low blood sugar but they gave him no food.Very odd.I am not going to come with you.
Sol looked anxious.I thought you might like caring for me, he told her petulantly
Do you really think women like serving men all the time?Well, we only do it for men we love and as I’ve only known you for an hour in a non-biblical sense it seems a bit much to expect.Why don’t we play a game instead?
Ron came in, what sort of game?
Too out of date.
I think I’ll go to bed,said Mary
And so say all of us.Except Ron.He doesn’t know what to do.Like the old lady in the shoe.What do you advise?