I carry a  knife and fork in my handbag

Dear Aunt Aggie

I am worried about dating.I am not concerned with whether they want sex on the first date as I carry a  knife and fork in my handbag.No,I worry about whether they will want to get married and expect me to boil their hankies every week.My reason is,it’s hard to feel sensual when you have seen their oil stained,inky,damp and mouldy  100% pure cotton hankies.We were taught in the convent how to iron men’s hankies but I can’t see anything in St Paul’s letters about it; nor in the Gospels.And actually I no longer call myself religious.
Ever yours,
Cecilia

Dear Cecilia

You seem a rather violent lady.Are you sure you can develop empathy for anyone.There is no need to stab men with a fork if you are not feeling sexual.A few words will suffice like,maybe when you have bought me a diamond ring and taken me to Harrods for a handbag.Or whatever turns you on.A new  novel, a pair of shoes….
You seem obsessed with hankies.Just be grateful someone invented sanitary towels.Come to think of it,Tissues! Why don’t real men like tissues? Are their noses going to need blowing so hard that the tissue will tear? Or is it because tissues are no good for cleaning bicycles with?
Tell them blowing your nose hard is dangerous [It’s true[
In particular,  don’t blow your nose hard after Moh’s surgery.My late husband did and it took me a week to clean the bathroom let alone his handkerchief.

Your ruminations will end if and only if you truly love someone and by good luck, he/she loves you.You are using these thoughts to get away from others./
Most men can use a washing machine and some Oxydol detergent.But maybe he will polish your shoes while you iron his tie and his hanky.Be careful.Sometimes it’s safer just to daydream

Good luck,Aggie