Have you brought some protection?




I am suffering from this man over here
I think it’s  your manstruation again.
How many bloody times do we have to have it?

Have you brought some protection?
5  loaded guns and a box of super-large tampons

I’m afraid I bit the bucket again.
Why have you no WC?

I hate that pain in my crutch.
Not as much as the crutch does,though.

Doctor, I have 15 crutches.
Good grief, you need more rapport!How do you juggle them all?
They juggle me.

Have you still got this man over here?
The agony is so bad I don’t recognise any country of the world.

My friend has irritable vowel syndrome.
Try him on consonants.Hebrew is also an option.
They have no vowels.
How do they manage?Not many here understand it.
Well,it’s His Voice!
I thought it was H M V
Oh,Lord.Really want to be you.
My sweet bawd

Mary classifies her clothes



Mary woke up feeling  gloomy and  tired.She drank her tea which Stan used to bring her.It’s a real nuisance for a woman having to make her own tea in the morning
I  am fed up,she told Emile.I miss my bicycle but it’s too dangerous now.And walking hurts.
Sitting by her bed she viewed all the clothes she had recently washed and dried  which were manifold.What to do with them..Well,Mary thought,with our ideas we have to categorise them ans so I will apply the same principle here.
She divided her clothes into groups.Then into subgroups.Why, it’s a science she thought.Then she folded her underwear neatly just the way it came in the packs from M and S the famous Jewish British and EU  department store.
She put all the odd socks into a  clear  polythene bad and put the remaining ones into a shelf in her white wooden wardrobe.She admired her teal coloured tights which Stan had   loved and put them with the black ones she wore most often in winter
Suddenly she heard a dog bark.What’s that? she shouted in alarm
Emile giggled.
I did it.he said,you were not listening to me.So I barked.
I am sure God will not like that.What did you want.
It’s time for coffee,he announced.
Alright,Mary said.I’ll leave these polo necks till later.They want downstairs into the teal  and cream coloured kitchen/breakfast room and Mary filled the kettle and took her Nokia  off the charger.


It seems to run down too fast,she thought.Even when I never used it.I only got it for emergencies and  £5  a month from BT seems a good offer.But like many  of her gadgets she really bought them to see how they worked;as she had a good sense of direction  she did not really use the maps.
She picked up the post.There was the dreaded bank statement and Credit  Card Bill. from M and S
Hello,Barclays here.
Hello,I have not had a statement from you lately.
You never use the card.
That’s true,said Mary,I forget to buy anything.I forget I am a woman
In her purse she found a cheque for  £60 from the Inland Revenue.
Look Emile.I’ll buy  you a new basket.And a some cat toys.
Thanks  purred Emile.You are so sweet,mother.
I’m not your mother,Mary informed him wildly
Well you are like a mother,kind and gentle… most of the time.
You little flattery battery,she giggled  .
Looking at the bank statement she was relieved not to be over-drawn.Stan had expensive tastes and she always bought him too many clothes,the best food and other delightful things.He was not greedy,she enjoyed spoiling him and  so did he!
Well,two horrible jobs done she thought and her mood rose as she realised things were better than she had  hoped.
Even finding the cheque was out of date did not worry her.She phoned the Tax Office who said they’d send another one.
We  all know how nice it is to get a little money we didn’t expect.
She went upstairs and decided to change her outfit.She took off her comfy old jeans and  put on a  black  needlecord dress with  blue and green flowers all over with a pair of smart black shoes.
Why are you all dressed up,asked Emile.
To give pleasure to the human race,she murmured as she  put on  her red wool winter  coat.
I am going out to take some photos she said.The magnolias are out and the bluebells.
Which  camera shall I take,she pondered..
I’ll take this Nikon one,she decided; Because I like the name.
Is that a good way to choose a camera,asked Emile.
Well, what do you suggest?
Well many are called cameras but few are chosen ,the naughty cat replied.
I know I have several she said.People give me their old   ones and as I am ignorant they all seem ok to me.They are my toys..
And how about that new wok and the ceramic milk pan? I’ve been taking notes,Emille wittered on
Are you going to be a detective,Mary laughed.
Can’t a woman buy a new pan?I keep burning the non stick ones so I decided to try ceramic.
I hope you don’t stir fry my cat food,Emile chortled.
No,I have not yet  got a wok cookery guide.
But you have got an electric egg boiler,which surprised me, he miaowed.
It’s because it switches itself off,she told him.I get engrossed in my study of enjambent and  forget the time.
Thinking is bad for you,Emile told her.
And so say all of us.
Thinking is bad for the brain
I’ll never do it again.
I’ll be a girl again
Ignore all handsome men.
I’ll got  out and play in the rain

I don’t believe it

KiwiFeeding (1).gif

Kiwi by M.Flemming.Copyright


If you want to die because you have a severe terminal illness I just though going onto the Quicksands in Morecambe Bay is easier than jumping off a cliff.Plus nobody would see your body.Be kind.Vanish!I used to be terrified of it as a child

Don’t miss:

Arnside bot.
Silvered ale.
Nerdy lone male.
Change at Ox -in -home for Hinder here
Can he stun old man?
Shall we rave?
Striding Ledge.
Abiding grudge.
Beatrix Hotter.
Cross by terror
The river can’t.
Watercolour depressions of the meres.
A nymph a night keeps the cat awake
The river loon
The catastrophe
An old white nerd.
Coniston’s old van
Free Fli Wi
Coniston Owl-Man
Passing Water
Wordsworth’s sausage
Tidal Water.
Red Blank.
Vast Water.
Herd Rot Pass
Passed Water.
Fools’ Water
Glass Mere.
Gi’ us it ‘ere
Free Pen with.
Ken Daly
Boats for ear.
Boots on Fire.
Anorak free zone
Amble Sideways.
Carl Aisle
Glass Mere
Bitter Mere.
White Haven
Sidle  Water
Dare when Water?
Gulls Water.[real]
See Yellow?
No smooching with beer.
Bow Less on Windermere.Thank you
Range over Sands
Quicksand free  over there.
Free quick sands now
Rowless  on  Crimson Lake
Marrow in Furnace.
Sorrow in Earnest
Gulliver’s Stone.
Feet Path
Sheep track daily.Be alert
Gentle Home.
Convent Harry
Welcome Bay
The Kent Actuary.
Burntside Knot Hair Stylist
Golden Dale
More Came
Cairn Forth
Len Caster.
Bath Right
Ink Umbria
Steeped Hill.
The old rattle.
Date Vale Motel and Best Room for Sin

I didn’t know that he could even spell

He said he would be sending me an ode.
I didn’t know  that he could even spell
Then on his motor bike ,away he rowed.

What if my misgivings are a goad?
Not only can he spell, he writes as well!
He said he would be sending me an ode.

The bath we ran, alas, has overflowed.
I hope that ma and pa can’t ever tell
That on his motor bike,  he sometimes glows.

I have an outfit very a la mode.
And on my hair, I put that great green gel
He said he would be sending me a toad!

He  often darns the holes in my wool clothes.
And refers to me as  pretty little Nell
Sure, on his motorbike, he seems to glow.

On his bike he has a metal bell
It’s worth a lot if you like hearing words from hell
He said he would be sending me an ode.
Then on  his motorbike, away he  flowed


I almost feel there’s a message in the sky

The sky is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen at sunset
most of the colour
is still what they call sky blue and then there are some clouds but they’re not black the

they are

light navy blue and in between rose coloured trimmings hang from edges to make a pattern this is the Pointing to what?
I suppose they
are pointing to the sun which is sinking and indeed it is almost gone I am very surprised that it’s not gone down yet even though it’s 4:40 p.m. it doesn’t seem long as this it was


off at 3:30 I’m


but I’m


of the window instead

of working
because I don’t think my camera would be able to
get a good picture of the sky
although I may try in a moment
but it’s so beautiful just to visit it

I almost feel there’s a message in the sky
and as I am speaking the Rose pink decorative lace is turning lighter and then
 the main cloud

is turning to dark mauve and grey and

It’s no longer as beautiful because it’s failing
like certain flowers do after a brief glory
of fertility and love
and now we are in darkness.

We preferred the geometry of the spheres to dating boys when we were 16.

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Mary has a dear friend who lives,alas , nowadays in northern Scotland. Clare moved back there when her mother became unable to manage at home. Then Clare developed very severe problems with her feet and legs and had been offered psychotherapy by the pain clinic.

After Mary had  been talking to Clare on the phone she thought to herself,
I wonder if I should speak to a therapist because I am still grieving for Stan and it’s possible therapy might be able to tell me whether what I’m feeling is normal or whether I am going round the bend.Mary found several counsellors near where she lived by looking on the Internet; she had interviewed five and decided on one called Margaret  Slipknot, Dr Slipknot had a room in a private hospital in the best road of the entire City.

Good morning, please take a seat over here, Margaret said to Mary.
Now you can tell me anything you like; it is completely confidential except that if you tell me you are going to kill somebody or commit suicide, I am obliged to tell your doctor or the police. Is that alright with you?

 Oh yes said Mary that seems very sensible because I understand the motivation behind it all knowing several widows ;they have mentioned that they didn’t want to go on living alone.But I did not tell their doctor or the police because sometimes everybody feels like that and once they realise it they are quite happy, in a sense.They can accept it.

I have got a very good friend next door call Anny and I know many colleagues at the university but since my husband died I feel as if there is a void at the centre of my being and whatever I do will not fill it.

 Margaret. said, Perhaps this void has a role to play in your life.
What kind of role could a void have?.Mary gasped
Just say whatever comes to your mind.
A void is not something that people talk about very much and I’m not sure if it’s just the right word to describe  what  I am  sensingb ut it is more than just a little emptiness. Stan used to make my dinner every night when I came home from the University and he also used to feed the cat and put the rubbish out not to mention listening to my thoughts about what happened to me while I was at work ,  and all the people that I have met. So when I come home now feeling weary and tired I have to make my own dinner.
And do you make you dinner?
Not always. you see when Stan was alive I had a certain motivation to be a good and loving wife. I used to do a lot of planning to make sure that, even though he was going to do the cooking, that there were all the required ingredients in the cupboard plus also spices and herbs and garlic. I realise now that I have not bought any garlic for the past year.

People don’t usually come to see me just because they have not bought any garlic lately.

When Mary heard the word lately she began to cry because late is a word used to denote people who are dead like the late Prime Minister, Winston Churchill.

I see that you are still feeling sad and there’s nothing wrong with that but I am a little concerned about how you will cope with all your new responsibilities as well as continuing your work and life with students, Which all the things you mentioned about your husband do you miss the most?

I think the thing I’m missing him most for is putting out the rubbish. He always insisted on doing this even when he was very ill and I find it hard to remember to do it when I never did it before.It seems to me that a woman needs a man to put out the wheelie bins out and collect big cardboard boxes which need crushing.I feel bad putting the wheelies out by myself in the dark.
That doesn’t seem very nice, Margaret cried , that you only miss your husband because you have to put out the rubbish now yourself. I know that I’m not meant to give you advice.I want to listen to you but I cannot really believe that the main thing that you miss him for is this.
Well said Mary, don’t push me; this is the first session we’ve had and I am still testing the water.
In other words don’t you realise that I’m not going to tell you the most sacred aspects of my being until I feel like I can trust you I’m not implying that you are and irresponsible,  foolish person, but don’t you think after working for 20 years as a psychotherapist that you should know that even in normal life we don’t tell someone we’ve never met before the very intimate and secret aspects of our being. There are some people who do this  t but hen they are not taking into account the person who they are speaking to, who they have never met before.Except people do it on trains.

I see, said Margaret. I will wait until you feel able to tell me what you miss the most. I don’t suppose it’s sex because you are much too old for that, although that is one way that some people fill in a void.

Do you think that women feel that their womb is an empty space inside them and wish to put something into it, asked Mary

Everybody’s different; now even  if you have sex it won’t fill your womb now as already mentioned I think you are too old to have sex.
Mary felt very angry,
How dare you say I am too old to have sex. Stan used to teach classes of pensioners about statistics and other topics and he told me that many of them said that they were still involved in a sexual relationship.Now we don’t know how far they would go  in that way.I thought that therapists were not meant to make judgements about what their clients say to them.Are you really a trained psychotherapist? You must be earning a lot of money to rent this room in a private hospital and as far as I can see you do not seem to have any common sense, let alone uncommon sense.
Margaret’s face went bright red,
I am sorry she cried, I was a little bit nervous when you told me that you were a mathematician And it threw me off my stride because I thought that you might be more intelligent than I am.
Intelligence by itself is not good  enough;it can be used to make nuclear bombs; to start Wars ;to gather information about your enemies what you really need  is  time and care and the ability to listen without criticism or judgement for the person who is with you ;you must have met some other people who were quite intelligent .It seems to me that you need more Training so that you are able to deal with your issues of fear of the highly intelligent person. You don’t need to have a fear of them and we are just the same as other people except that for some reason we preferred the geometry of the spheres to dating boys when we were 16.

In my case, it was after I had an operation to remove my appendix and was convalescing for several weeks. I came across a book called “Mathematician’s delight” by W.W.Sawyer And I read it about imaginary numbers and complex numbers so then I realised that mathematics was not just arithmetic and quadratic equations.I don’t know whether I will come to see you anymore. What you said has taken away my faith in my judgement of people. You seemed the best therapist that I interviewed but now we’re started I think I might have made a mistake.
Please don’t stop, said Margaret, I need the money.
So you think that I should continue seeing you here when you already proved yourself inadequate, merely to give you money. I am afraid I am not rich enough  to see you if I will have to see somebody else as well, as you are no good
I’ll tell you what said Margaret, let me give you another session completely free and see how we get on then .If you are still unhappy with me then, of course, you must find a different person. I realise my training was incomplete because we are all graduates or doctors and then we do five years training so we believe we are superior to most of the people who come for treatment but when I speak to my supervisor I will tell her that I think we all need to look at this question of superiority because neither you nor I  is actually morally or ethically superior to everybody else ;it can sometimes appear that we can see somebody is very inferior morally like  Hitler or Pol Pot
I’ll give you a call , Mary said when I have made my mind up; it is very kind of you to offer me a free session when you are so short of money. iI I were your  therapist, I would tell you that you were short of money because you are not very good at your job and therefore you will not have enough patients to make a living .On the other hand, it may be that you need to take an extra job . stacking the shelves in the supermarket to give you enough money to live on without exploiting human beings like myself. However, I am glad that I realised that I feel this  void inside me because I now realise that I felt it long before my husband died and it must be linked to something else in my life, not just to him

Alright, said Margaret thank you very much for being so honest I hope you will come again.If  not, I wish you good luck in finding someone who can travel with you on your journey into your new life.Thank you, said Mary. I will phone you soon, goodbye .
When she got home she told Emile.He said he wished he had gone with her to see how beautiful Margaret was.
That is very selfish, Emile.You need to hear what she says!