I’ve got no more rotten eggs
Well, is that not good?
I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians
Why not threw that cat’s litter?
Kittens!
Well, it is a tom cat
He probably has hundreds of children
That reminds me of Boris Johnson
I know he is partly Turkish
What’s that got to do with having children?
I was just passing a remark
His grandad was the son of an immigrant
I say, we should ban them
That’s extreme
What do you suggest?
We’ll only have Muslims and Jews
That is ridiculous
Why?
They also have lots of children
Let’s go back to eggs.
Do you want devilled eggs for your tea?
Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea.
How original!
We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen
Then you hate foxhunters
Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity
Still, not as bad as the Holocaust and who tried to stop that?
I wasn’t born then
But you look like a Valkrie
Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair?
Why not a maiden?
I got married 5 times.
Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences
Three were men and the last two were women
Next you will be marrying that cat
I hope I don’t have kittens!
Well, better than nothing
I am not sure about that
Never say never, again
What,never?
Miaow
Category: humor
Keep on swimming
Constant rumination kills the soul
I never think and so I am more whole
I write the sentence down, just like I speak
I find my native tongue lets symbols leak
My mind is like a small holed metal sieve
I hope I shall be kind and will forgive
What remains is worthy of a place
As for my mistakes, I beg your grace
Some minds are deep,clear streams their thoughts like fish
Other minds are tortured ,spin and crash
Keep on swimming like the drowning frog
He turned the milk to butter as he trod
Do not linger long on cruel thoughts
Scruples come from Satan, he’s worth naught
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Weekly mail
Dear Dr Jones
Thank you for refering this delightful 98 year old lady to me
I have looked into her mouth and there is indeed a tumour
She denies any bleeding.
She denies any ulceration
She admits getting so anxious she ground her teeth and broke them
She denies suffering any pain
She refuses to take codeine linctus and sell it on the street
My verdict:
Guilty and almost sane
Sentenced to two scans and a follow up.Meanwhile I will keep her under surveillance and tell you where she goes at night.
Yours,Dr Gnostic.
BDS B CH. MA.PhD BA etc
Bribes accepted weekly
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Bitterly sweet lockdown
I confess to doing this funny little drawing ,Katherine
We loved each other lately life was sweet
Till lockdown ,isolation , iron walls
So we’ll have to speak .oh we’ll have to speak
From the opposite side of the street
We hoped we’d live a while before the grief
As we said on our long video calls
We loved each other, we loved to love each other
So our lives were bitterly sweet
We longed to touch, to hug , to kiss at least
But unlike cats we would not caterwaul
Now we’ll have to feel , oh, we’ll have to kneel
On the opposite side of the street
We may be wrinkled with bright yellow teeth
It has been known for both of us to fall
We love each other, yeah we love each other
For old age is not a defeat
We loved our neighbours, even those deceased
We’ve had hard times but none that bit so deep
How can we feel ,oha how can we feel
On the opposite side of the street?
I wanted you beside me when we sleep
I’ve even bought us fifty five new sheets
We love each other, yes, we love each other
So our life is succulent, sweet
But how can we touch, how can we keep in touch
From the opposite side of the street?
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If your aim is good
Why do people boil eggs?
They need to keep getting into hot water
Why do others fry eggs?
They want to make sure there is nothing live in there
And furthermore, why poach?
To annoy landowners.
Why are eggs so popular?
They can’t speak.
Eggs are used in baking, why?
They need to be useful
Can one egg be enough?
Yes, if your aim is good.
Can I live on eggs for a few days?
If you are very small and light
Can I eat just a few eggs for all my meals
Not the same ones.
Is bread a good idea for egg sandwiches?
It’s essential for any sandwich regardless
Is an egg good for the old?
The old what?
Can I polish the floor with eggs?
Dropped them again?
How about the chest of drawers
Who was he?
Why do people throw eggs at politicians?
Because they look so underfed, I imagine
But it’s a waste of money!
Views differ but rotten eggs will do or ones more than 5 weeks old
Can eggs last longer if coated in vaseline?
Longer than what?
Do hens grieve for their eggs?
I can’t take any more
Anymore what?
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Another misfake
I keep making spelling misfakes
At least you only made two there
Why, if we have fakes we also have misfakes
I see what you scream
So a genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say
But you can’t just invent words.
Why not?
You’ve caught me on the hop
We do have a bathroom
Is there a WC?
Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house
Why not?
It would ruin the foundations.
That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple
To cut a long story short
Very short.
Meaningless in a very surreal sense
Well, that is the end of Today the Lockdown
They had no radios during the Plague
And so say all of us
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Hens don’t see the point
What do you say to 21 eggs?
Where are the other three?
Why do eggs come in boxes of six
Because hens can’t count past six!
Why do Sainsburys sell eggs in fifteens?
Their hens are more intelligent than the others
Will egg boxes be decimalised?
Hens don’t see the point
Why are eggs good for rubbing on the hair?
Because it takes longer to shampoo them out
How many eggs are in an omelette?
None,they are on the outside.
Is it a sin to steal eggs?
Yes, if they are human.
Are eggs used in warfare?
Their atoms are.
Can we measure the velocity and position of eggs?
No, but we feel it when they hit us
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Dusting books and washing garden gnomes
I am saving money locked at home
Whenever I go out I buy a drink
Not to mention books and garden gnomes
No bubble baths to cover me in foam
Lots more time to write and truly think
I am saving money locked at home
While I sleep, the elves and fairies roam
Putting dirty mugs into the sink
Dusting books and washing garden gnomes
Is Pope Francis locked down while in Rome ?
God looks down and even he might flinch
I will send the cash to help folk cope
Wisdom lies in libraries uncombed
Digital security’s a bitch
Not to mention research into gnomes
Might I disguise myself and be a witch
Can I do some magic and get rich?
I am saving money locked at home
Surrounded by my books and garden gnomes
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No gowns for NHS staff
If you are ill the nurses have no gowns
The doctors neither, nor a dressing gown
Don’t let them borrow yours ,all’s upside down
We can’t have naked people in the town
The government will rue this nudity
When Boris Johnson flies into a tree
We’ll see his valorous organ on TV
Whatever can the matter really be?
Why can’t the textile trade make us nighties
On the NHS most stuff is free
The towel laid across your aching knee
My BT Hub is dying can’t they see?
Oh, I feel shame I live in Sodom here
Gomarrah can’t be far behind,don’t leer
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Emile’s in ecstasiulation
Oh,Emile got up, he yawned he stretched
It was cat pandiculation
For cats get stiff and cats get tense
But they won’t write no dissertations
Emile called to Stan and Stan got up
Pet manipulationion
Stan made tea and fed his cat
Emile’s ecstasisulation
Mary came and she saw Stan
Oh, a manifestation?
Are you real,she , called to him
What impertinentication!|
I like your cheek, her husband shouts
Show me your appreciation
Where is that, his dear wife said
Does it dwell under my apron?
Well,Leonard Cohen has mentioned this
I’m damned by my own veneration
Oh,Stan get up and get some gin
This is pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a mere notification
I have got myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by you in bed at night
There may be an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we both thought you had gone
I’ ll drown in my own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these men
It’s torment and it’s tribulation
The doctor told me you were dead
Is it conspirification?
Send a code to my android phone
That will verify my restoration
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Henne
Hennetwistle has a railway stop
The name is Viking now it’s usually spelled
Entwistle, where reservoirs fill up
Manchester wants water , here it’s held
Too Thirlmere is an artificial lake
For tea in Manchester, those thirsty folk
How much more d’ye think that they will take?
Hamlets drowned, dull cypress trees that cloak
I once passed through Darwen on a train
On the way to Ilkley with my aunt
No memory of bliss with me remains
Except the flowers so wild, their ghosts still haunt
Yet nowhere else gives me the feel of home
This landscape is my body and my soul
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Bacon well bred
As I looked down the list of groceries I could buy online I saw this
Outdoor bred bacon
Well , stone the crows.I’ve never seen bacon on a farm or with cows in a meadow
Next, chili with rice
I’d like some meat as well.After all it’s easy to cook quick rice and throw some chili powder over it.Even a few kidney beans would be better than nothing
Macaroni cheese
Don’t buy ir
Cook some quick macaroni and add grated cheese.And maybe some cream or butter
Why not start cooking again?
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When shaped like a brick
How to be chic and elegant when shaped like a brick
How to be chic when shaped like a cricket.
How to be seductive yet decent.
How to lecture when you are not in the mood
How to dress for the Welsh Onion Ball.
How to look good when feeling itchy
How to find your temper and keep it.
How to unlock your inner Daemon.
How to vote when you don’t feel like making a cross.
How to get a new man in from 30 minutes to 30 years
How to cook the dinner and be really trying.
How to write with your thumbnails
How to make quiche that men love and eat it all yourself
How to become calmer than anyone else and then die
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Mary and the choclate icecream
So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary ,asked Annie her dear neighbour charmingly attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown
Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery
That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly
It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription
Why, was it for heroin? Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked ready to star in Death in Venice
No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went on to Deliveroo and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a limited range, of course
Mary’s oval face flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare
In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and jumper of pure new wool
And her green trainers and matching tights
But they had no milk so I continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small
of food and drink
In half an hour they were at the door and all was well
Then one word came to my mind
What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her newly washed her into ringlets so fast it looked as if she was destroying the roots
Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left?
Yes but Emile fell off the windowsill onto the work surface and crushed them all
Do you believe it was an accident? Cats have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered
Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively
Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could
So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling food
I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream.
You never eat it.Annie told her
But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter
Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag
I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams”
That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake icecream nor eat it boiled with toast
So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage or I will eat the icecream
Then tomorrow I will phone them and say, those eggs you sent were off
I have been sick all night.I want a refund
This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies
Not up till now but we have to change.Not just ethically but also
we have to curse and swear
Your fecking eggs were off.
But Annie shouted: they will say
We don’t sell fecking eggs but we have pickled eggs
Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary
That icecream has made you psychotic,Mary.,Annie informed her
Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked softly
Not yet but Emile might be if you carry on
I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity
And make some for all of us
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New cliches
What I need are cliches, new and vague
The ghost has got it wrong with howling bones
Sniffing the police leaves them enraged
If I hurt you, I am wise not sage
Moss is useful in a mixing bowl
I need lots of cliches, new and vague
Let’s get married if we’re not engaged
I don’t have the tools to fetch in coal
Sniffing the police leaves them enraged
Paradox is vital in our age
Politicians toss out joints all rolled
Send me cliches, new and somewhat vague
When this is over who will be in role?
The sun has got no hat on ,I it stole
I need more cliches, new and quietly vague
Sniffing the police leaves men enraged
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The pleasure of Confession
Pray Father,I jave no sins to confess.What is the most common sin you hear about?
Hurting the feelings of loved ones or strangers by projecting our ill will into them and
then attacking them.
How about adultery?
Is that a proposal?
You naughty little animal!You know what I mean.Don’t tease me.I am sensitive but I’m ok.I sleep all night and sin all day.Is adultery common?
It is very common and shows poor taste ,so if you want to be less vulgar leave it out.
I am long past adultery now.I am too stiff for sexual athletics.Though with more
acupuncture,one never knows.Besides I am not married any more.
Surely there is something else wrong you must have done recently? You are only human
To be honest,Father,I believe we are often blind to our faults and we would need to bring
some other people along here to say how we have treated them.And then we’d find out
our sins more easily from them.
Well,there is some truth in that but we only need a random sample of your sins.
One will be a metonym for the rest.
Is that the right word?
Well,if it’s not it’s near enough,my child.
I am older than you;you must know.
I am sorry to say that is not a sin,my dear lady.Try harder.
I suffer from scruples…………… is that bad.?
Very bad.What are they about?
Doubts.
Give them up.Believe you did your best.
How can I be sure?
Well, we are never sure of anything in this life but we it will kill us to brood all day
Well, it does sound selfish when you put it like that
Now, drop that heavy bag of worries and run about the garden
I can’t run but I will have more fun
Now you’ve got it, my child.
Thank you and good night
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Yet
Dear Aunt Aggie
I long to be musical but I can’t play the cello .
Musical of Tulse Hill
Dear Musical
You can’t play the cello YET
Best wishes
Aunt Aggie
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The main point of my existence has been to demonstrate that blonde bimbos can be brilliant.
Or more truthfully, it’s ethics that matters
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Stuff a sprout
If stuffed cabbage is too much
Stuff a sprout, from Brussels lurched
A joint of beef is excess now
Try a calf’s foot not a cow’s
Try a sausage stewed in milk
If it spills we shall not wilt
Roast potatoes make some mad
Grill tinned peaches, they’re not bad
Try a carrot for a lark
Eat it when your mood is dark
Make a salad, apple, nuts
Celery must face the cuts
Walnuts come in bags not shells
Just as oil comes out of wells
Why not ask a guest if blue?
I can’t eat enough for two!
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Food for the desperate yet creative person
This should pass the time for a bored person who needs a challeng
e Brussels sprout Souffle
An earthy souffle using Brussels sprouts and mozzarella cheese
https://recipeland.com/recipe/v/brussels-sprouts-souffle-33318
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Who commands these viruses like flu?
Who commands these viruses like flu?
Consternation makes our hearts feel blue
Do we have a lifeboat or an Ark?
The situation does feel rather stark
Who decided we could work while sick?
Our energy depleted , brains feel think
Decisions so important need clear minds
Not one both unravelling and blind
We travel round the globe, a virus ride
Our garments are as louche as fratricide
We snap some photos of the Golden Dome
Then jump on a plane and turn to Rome
Why not stay in Britain or in France?
The piper plays but only demons dance
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Ignite
If Boris Johnson frequently told lies
This is very common nowadays
No-one sane would be at all surprised
If Boris Johnson could not breath ,so died
Everyone for his soul might now pray
Though Boris Johnson told some dreadful lies
Even Peter , Jesus thrice denied
This was human, of such fears we’re prey
No-one sane would be at all surprised
If Boris was with women, he was wry
But not enough to stage one in his play
Oh,Boris Johnson you should not have lied
Oh Boris has more children than his bride
Now he wants another though he’s grey
No-one sane admits they are surprised
I dreamed of him last night, he was so gay
To my surprise he charmed me with love play
If Boris Johnson lost his head and died
The people would be frightened and ignite
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A jellied eel is rarely served today
Smoke your fish in grandad’s polished pipe
Unless by accident you caught a pike
Foxes tails are not a brush for hair
Without a tail, a fox will need repair
Herrings caught in Whitby harbour glare
They may be dead but that is their affair
A jellied eel is rarely served today
If you eat one piece then do not say
Bacon. ham and sausages despair
Moses said to eat them was unfair
Can we reverse the process we have used
And make some pigs, if only to amuse
Did smoking food conceal the smell of death
The pig is gone, it’s not holding its breath
Smoking pipes did not keep men alive
Some smoke in their grave. as I have spied
In the end it’s burial or fire
The ashes of the dead are not for hire
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I spurned my mother’s cheek.
I spurned the other cheek.
Adjourned but never leaked
I spurned the other’s sheep
I turned the others weak
I learned maths last week
I burned like fire to meet
I earned his ire while bleak
I turned the gyre ,oh beak
The falcon cannot speak
My thinking is oblique
I’m spanking fit and neat
My husband’s hands were sweeet
I churned, my backside creaked.
Yeats wrote twice a week
Keats’ letters weep.
Was Mozart ‘s mother Greek?
Hebrew is our meat
Did angels look so chic?
God must be unique.
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I don’t like gravity either
Clue:take the first sentence literally
I feel for you
She’s my wife
I am feeling Very Angry
Will he let you?
I feel intense hatred for my wife
That’s very kind of you.It will make her burden less
Should I marry or live in sin?
Both
I feel blue or I see red
Do you hear yellow?
I feel very down
Is it better than goose down?
Well it feels better
I hate my brother
I bet he does too.
I hate my untidy habits
How do they feel about this?
I don’t want to work nor rely on a man
Your grammar is excellent
I am getting tired of hunting for new recipes
Where do you usually find them?
Shall I have a cheese sandwich or a bacon one?
Have you no eggs?
Shall I take a Master’s Degree or go round the world?
I’ll be interested to see that
I hate shopping for clothes
How about stealing them?
Will I ever get better?
What do you think?
You said I would find love in the afternoon
Don’t listen to me.
Are you a real therapist?
At last,progress
Have I got a virus as I fear?
No, you have it as you are relaxed.
Shall I take the Oxford entrance?
No, leave it.
Shall I read Medicine?
No, swallow it
I do hate the way buttons fall off my coat
I don’t like gravity either
I am afraid of topology
You are so conceited
I hate it when my thoughts circulate
Well, you can feel what you like, they are yours
I wonder if I can afford Freudian analysis
I do too
I hate clever people
Don’t come any nearer
I hate Catholics
Don’t tell anyone
Is Boris Johnson English?
No, but neither is anyone else
Why am I here?
Don’t start that again.
Does it matter why we are here?
No, it matters how we are here
That we are here
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The survival of the fattest
Being obese might be one way of surviving this plague.
Or as someone said to a cancer sutvivor: At least you have lost weight or was it ” at last”
You would lose weight after death if you kept turning over in your grave…
Jesus never mentioned weight:Go thou and weigh no more.Double entendre.
Who invented the word “sin” and why?
Weight is like savings in the several banks.You can’t lose it all at once
I thought I was flat once.It was because clothes are.Yet chair covers are not.
Don’t know where, don’t know when, we’ll meet and hoard our funny days
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He won’t like the crap you shed
I am frightened I’ll run out of food
My insides are in knots that feel glued
I feel sick tonight
What was I ate?
The cat’s looking mad yet amused
The Whiska’s beef ‘s meant for the cat
I trod on him, he is now flat
I stole his dinner
I am a great sinner
I should eat both the snake and the bat
This epidemic is my fault, you see
I gave away bat food for free
The homeless have soup
And suffer from croup
The rich folk denounce liberty
A huge sense of guilt is conceit
In a sense it is also deceit
We’re not omnipotent
Nor are we impotent
We’re in the grey, be discreet
I wonder what new world we’ll get
When Boris in aspic is set
He’s having a baby
It happens now daily
It’s the mother who’s caught in his net
Fancy a nappy change now?
Boris is taking a bow
He won’t like the crap you shed
When you are in his bed
Well, it’s far too late after the plough
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I eat cartoons for breakfast with a knife
I lack the skill of mimicking a cat
Mimesis makes me copy acrobats
I cannot do the crossword in the Times
If I’m free, I marry many rhymes
A cartoon left me cold,I needed words
I preferred to talk except to birds
But now I reach the higher slopes of life
I eat cartoons for breakfast with a knife
In mathematics we use little signs
The science of pattern circles all my lines
We learn to write what others knew by craft,
The hand precedes the brain, the warp, the weft
The Scribes were groups who wrote what others said
Scroll by scroll the Hebrew Bible’s read
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Behind the canteen
Emile woke Mary up at 7am.It was a Sunday in late October, grey and damp though the sun was still not too low in the sky
Go away, she told him.The clock has changed.It’s not 8 am yet.I have to wash my hair as well.Get the Observer out of the basket for me,please.
I can’t read. the dear animal replied.And why don’t you rebel and stick to Summer Time?
I know Stan wanted to send you to Eton but we couldn’t afford it.Yet you understand days and calenders, Mary joked sorrowfully
She got up and found her fleece dressing gown; it was conker brown covered in coloured spots.She went downstairs and gave Emile a Whitby kipper.Then she made some tea and took it upstairs so she could drink it while she came round from her dreams
Suddenly Annie ran into her bedroom wearing a long black vinyl coat and red knee-high boots
You never locked the back door, she howled like a lost leopard which has had no food for weeks
I don’t suppose anyone wants my old TV as it is only 19 inches.And my Chromebook is not something worth re-selling.I do have a new coat.
How about Ray Monk’s life of Wittgenstein, Annie asked her defiantly, her apricot lips pouting childishly as the Riemann of Paris lipstick glittered uncannily like an imaginary number in a dream of Godel.
The people who might enjoy reading it are by virtue of that , not the sort to steal or buy it on the black market.
That is very racist, Annie told her.You should say:the beige market!
Then nobody would know what I meant, Mary said lovingly
Anyway, do you want to come to Marks with me? They have some beautiful coats in
I’d like a pink wool coat, said Mary thoughtfully
Quite right ,said Annie.Bring back feminine colours
Actually, gay men might like pink coats, she continued.But if they go on the bus they might get dirty.Come to think of it, so will women’s coats
They will have to buy pink puffa jackets and we can wash them at 30 deg.Mary whispered
Using a special detergent, Annie asked?
I have never seen a detergent for washing gay men.I don’t think they will fit into the washing machine.On the other hand, you are small so you will fit in
Shall I get undressed first, Annie asked furtively.
Yes, I’ll try to put you on a short wash for 15 minutes but it is your choice.Maybe a bath would be safer?
No problem, said Annie intellectually.Are you having one with me?
You’d better be careful, Mary ad-libbed.It might be sexual harassment.
Well, I am not gay , said Annie.
You never know till you try, Mary giggled ,like a child behind the school canteen
Why, we might become gender fluid and then who knows?
And so say all of us
Miaow
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Never get engaged on a whim
How to get rid of your lover
Tell them you’re carrying a germ
Spray Dettol around your home
Put deodorant on your comb
Ask if they wash all their sperm
Nobody likes a rejection
But sometimes it’s better to leave
Be polite as your part from them
After all they’re gentlemen
No need to make men aggrieved
Would your prefer an arranged marriage?
My doctor says it worked for him
Remember you’re ugly
Though very snugly
Never get engaged on a whim
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Take your mind off
If you live near a psychopath
And can’t run
Then it will take your mind
Off the coronavirus
And if you have a UTI
You will want to die
Don’t kill him yet
Strange how a bodily pain
Feels like torture
Like houses had faces
And pictures of the three bears
Hung in your lounge
Suddenly when you were five
Turned into a bridge with three arches
Over a river
We truly believe
Then it goes.
The eyes are windows
The mouth is a door
There never was nose
At least we never heard it sneeze
It didn’t cough
Sometimes the chimney set on fire
But girls didn’t put it out
How my heart speaks 