Your false nails won’t come off

You have broken a finger nail

The doctor’s is shut

You self diagnosed with paranoia and seek a place of safety

The cat scratched your hand

The dog keeps barking

You are drunk but coherent

You have a  cold.

You need to talk to someone

You wonder if you might get a cold

Your hair roller has got stuck in your bushy hair.

You  have run out  of elastoplast or aspirins.

You feel bored.

You need a new nose

You have lost the TV remote

You like that tea they sell in robotic machines.

You are sad because one person did not “Like” your photo

Your toe nails are dirty and you lost the nail brush.

You   have no stamps and you need to post a letter [ hard to believe]

You want a pregnancy test. [ How long ago………?}

You have no condoms.

You wet your knickers

You have lost your nail file or comb.

Your cat is ill and the vet is shut

You like eying up nurses.. remember a  lot are now men,anyway… so ladies…No!

You had a row with your wife and are trying to frighten her by pretending to have chest pains.

You hate Xmas alone

Nobody loves you. [ can you prove it?]

You have finished the Fiendish Su Doku Book while suffering gut ache

You can’t stay in on Saturday night

It’s a cheap day out [ but not for the NHS]

Remember it’s for EMERGENCIES

It costs  on average £1,400 per person per visit

And now,Mrs Mary Tan, will you tell the Judge and Jury what you were doing at 6.45 pm?
I was doing the Times Super Fiendish Crossword Puzzle no 76
But why would that stop you answering the door?
Er,I had stomach ache
Do you find Su Doku a cure?
No,I only wish I did.I see how many puzzles I can solve while in the bathroom
What is the average
Three
What is the range?
From 1 to 5.I am afraid I don’t know the standard deviation
What is the most ever
Five.I am hoping they will make some harder ones
So you heard the bell ring.You were upstairs.Could nobody answer the door?
I suppose Emile might but the lock is too high
Who is Emile? Is he your Lover
No, he is my cat.
Can he speak English?
Well,I think so.Why don’t you come round and see him?
I have no time.
So you cleaned the floor and made the bed
Then I set to work on Dirac’s Equation
Does Dirac mind?
Why should he mind? He is dead.
Oh I hoped to see him.
You must go to a Seance then
So you were lost in thought when a magpie tapped on the window
Correct
What does it mean?
It wanted a mince pie.
But who had been knocking on the door
Another magpie
Are you sure?
No.It could have been a Crow
Well, that’s all the questions I have for this person.My Lord
Next witness please
Hello,I am Mrs Magpie
You are human!
I believe so

Case adjourned

Never finish a sentence before ending it
Never begin a sentence with a word
Never end one with but.
Never free associate if writing to the government
Never be over-cautious.
Never end a word with a letter.And vice versa
Never give your name to the papers
Never dream about yourself
Never pass water.Have a drink.
Never take a random sample of your dreams out of your head
Never cut your own hair while typing on it
Never believe anything you read.
Never eat breakfast before you go to bed
Never do su doku puzzles unless you are in the bathroom all night
Never say a cross word.Just smoulder.
Never sulk for more than 5 minutes
Never make preparations after you begin

https://www.oed.com/dictionary/darkling_adv

Darkling is not often used these days but if you’d like to see the historical development and he says just press this link

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43588/dover-beach

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new,

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.