Category: nonsense

But it’s wrong to kill and wound.Even yourself ,I had assumed

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Pray Father , please hear my confession.I have sinned during this dreadful recession
What,again? What’ve you done,you naughty man? Maybe you stole a pancake pan
Nothing.I did.Nothing at all.Yet I am going up the wall
Then  why are you here? Why do you  fear.Sartre’s nothing  in a bier
That’s what I’d like to know myself.Why have the police  got all my wealth
Well did you walk? Or did you run? Getting to church is such good fun
No the police brought me in a van.I know nothing about a pan
Some folk will die to exercise.Tell me, truly, do you lie
No,I’m a criminal,Father Brown.I am famous in this town
You get free transport from the police? When will you get  the full release?
They were charging me with onanism  just for fun but decided it’s not  done so I said, take me to a priest.He will hear me out at least
I don’t understand, in this sweet  land Why did they  that  think you had sinned
I told  them. myself  for alibi.I thought I’d  give Onan a try.They got me for  murder  which  was  a lie
You should sow your seeds, you know,my son.Some men say it can be fun
I live in a terraced house with  none.I  have not got my own garden
Sow them in someone else’s then.In such a case it is no sin
But isn’t it wrong to offer my sperm to a lady  out of turn?
Everything  is wrong  on earth today.See what the ladies have to say
Well, what a surprise.A shock indeed Are you descended from Augustine’s seed?
He wasn’t married when he died.I don’t know if he had even  tried
But he said before being dead ,Lord,  make me free of lusty thoughts.I’ll get killed if I am caught
True,but it ‘s a very long time  since then.Who can say if he  sinned?
But men still feel like that, don’t they? I have heard some boast all day
So do women,yes they do.But first you have to charm and woo
Well, they’re  ironing and washing.Not so good for heating passion
I think they ought to wash   before they dry.I’m  man, so hi  di hi
I’ll tell them but you tell me Should I wash  before I woo
Before  you woo, what else to do?
Flattening myself with the  red hot iron.Then they’ll love me when I’m dyin’
A novel way  of suicide.I once tried when down in Hythe
I thought I would at least look real  nice.That  makes it worth the heavy price
But it’s wrong to kill and wound.Even yourself ,I had assumed
Everything’s wrong,you told me so.Why not choose the time to go?
But that is wronger than most wrong.The birds will lose their evensongThink of those left  here behind! Keep their faces in your mind
They can follow free of charge.All they need are irons large
If we did that the world would end.Utter blackness would descend
Seems like it’s going   that way now.I’m just helping  in the how
Are you curious to know  who wins the vote?
I have lost my three remotes
Have you got a radio? They will tell you  when they know.
I am sorry for my sins.It seems that evil often wins
For your penance  eat a cake.Then go rambling by the lae.If you see a pretty girl ask her if she’s like a whirl.

I thought in neither ribaldry nor play

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I caught those   ten fried  rhymes on dying ebb
And so I would not jump nor fight today.
But  then I thought of Adam’s  folding rib,
And how the hard enjoy a lady's  fry

I believed  scored rhymes  were  left  for dead.
My incompetence was on its languorous bed.
But then we  felt  old  fleas that bit us good
And lo I  sought to  buy piss off the  web.

I thought no bird could ever  click  its beak
And so I fell into a writer’s wok
Bad eyesight made  the   grilling chickens leap
While I prised  the deadheads  off  the crocks.

I thought I’d incite ribaldry  or play
Dutch cows I love, and I  am thrilled by hay.

Rosa Benchez almost gives a lecture

 

 

Professor Rosa Benchez was in the staff-room at Mid-Rise-Jeans University collecting her mail and having coffee at 9.30  am on Monday morning after running 10 miles on her rowing machine.It rowed and she ran
How are you,Rosa? enquired Danny her  friend and colleague in the  School of Learning.
I’m feeling  extremely insignificant  today? she replied.I am giving a lecture on Semiotics and it’s those French people who use such idiotically complicated language.We all know that an object like a bird has to have a name before we can talk about it.
Well.,said Danny, I thought you’d just say,”In the pink” as  usual to my greeting,  so you must feel bad.Does each bird have to have its own name,he continued wonderingly?
Well,it depends on the context, she informed him  coolly and enigmatically.
First,if we are looking at birds as a class or set, they just need a name like “bird”.It could have been anything bit somehow it was” bird” that occurred like x  is used in algebra.We may just study one bird then we give it a number to identify it.That is its name
Danny gazed at her  beautiful bosom under her semi-transparent  pink blouse.Did  she dress like that on purpose  to provoke men or did she feel so insignificant that she didn’t realise anyone could see her purple  lace bra  and her green silk and wool thermal  vest with matching briefs, though fortunately they were invisible
Danny,I’m talking to you, she called sympathetically.Why are you quiet?
I dunno, the world  famous biologist replied.Maybe I am not quite here today.
You too,she murmured quietly ,like the stream in Little Walsingham by the ruined  Abbey.
Are you anxious about your lectures,she enquired softly and caringly?
No, not really ,he said tearing his eyes away from her  revealing clothing.
Is there a biological reason  why a scholar like Rosa would wear this unusually exciting outfit.
The truth was more mundane.Rosa bought her clothes in Sales and was indifferent to  the way men might feel seeing her like this.After all,did she notice if they wore  deep purple underpants that showed above their low rise jeans  or gold coins on a chain with matching earrings?
She only  looked at their faces while they naturally were drawn  to see what amazing  and colourful outfit she was wearing that day. and  what her lingeries looked like.
What did her partner feel?Had he left her for a woman who dressed in  thick beige  blouses and stockings with grey skirts?
To dress well takes time and Rosa did not give it enough although so far she had not lectured in a  string bikini nor an evening dress she had  found in  a jumble sale
These French people have made a fortune by re-labelling well know things  like birds as “signified”  and the word “bird” as a sign!
It reminded her of a sociologist who  got a large grant to see if women were more scared walking under a railway bridge at night if there were no streetlight there
The conclusion seems obvious.And that was what they proved “scientifically”
Statistics,numbers, that’s what journals want.
She went to her lecture room and turned on the lights.Eighty students gazed at her happily.She was the kindest and cleverest lecturer in the place.Take that how you will.
Now, she informed them,I  put 30 handouts in Dr Bevan-Finnish’s drawer  for the seminar but someone has stolen them, she said menacingly.I write these handouts and if they do not appear by noon ,nobody will get another one for the entire semester
With that, she turned to the blackboard and defined ” the signifier”
Well,it’s better than taking the insides out of chickens  on a conveyor belt she thought silently as she moaned on while the students took notes.
After lunch Rosa was in the staff room talking to some women  colleagues when Dr Bevan -Finnish came over,blushing dark  red as he approached.He said the handouts were back
Why  is he so shy, Rosa asked herself,not realising it was her outfit that provoked his blushes.And that is a very important thing to remember… whoever we are with  affects us so a bold man like Bevan-Finnish seemed shy when with Rosa whereas with another more sensibly dressed  woman he was quite at ease.
There may be a few men who are not affected this way but not many otherwise the human race would die out and then where would we be?Nowhere!
What a pity nobody tells a lady like Rosa the facts of life so   she goes about causing sinful longings in her colleagues quite oblivious.Even some of the women were getting affected but nobody dared to tell her.At least it drew  students  to her lectures and who knows, they might have learned some Linguistics as well.And it kept them off the streets.Which streets nobody knows.Yet!

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The War of the Daisies

The  Hundred Years Gore
The Six Day Bore.
The Grate War.
The French Evolution
The War of the Posies.
The Uncivil War
The Wall of Combs.
The Rum Kipper War
The Sewage Crisis.
The  Reckoned Year War.
The Battle of Roastings
The Gulf Whore
The Invitation of Dirac.
The Fall of Harris.
The War of  the Curls.

 

Pass the mathematics,please

There’s many who’d slip a  Twix  ‘tween their lips
What’s  a wife to me without tea?
Where are you glowing to.my pretty maid
Underneath the  larches,I sit and scheme with you.
My honey lies over the ocean.,my honey lies over the tea.I don’t mind her lies for she makes good pies.Oh,swing with me honey,  ir’s  free
On Rich Man’s Hill
I  pet her in the larder where the  pate’s stowed
Have you ever been a glove,my boys?
He shall need his sock.
Flocks in pastures green revising ,will they pass their maths exam?

How are we feeling tonight?

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How are you feeling,the doctor asked plaintively

With my senses,I replied jocosely
No,I mean how is your body? he extrapolated.
You can see it better than me,I informed him 
as I got on to the couch.
But I can't feel it,he said languidly.
I shall permit you to feel it
I said in a kindly ruin of my  voice
He pressed my abdomen,but not with  a hot iron luckily
Owzat,I shouted politely.Not out yet
He said ,I think your organ is inflamed.
That is very rude,I told him with a garbled smile
I mean your bladder, he riposted   fluently
Has  it ever crossed your mind that we only  know  we have bladders
 because we read that in a book. I said in a puzzled tone.
Unless you are a surgeon,I continued courteously
We can see it on a scan, he said charmingly.
Well ,we  only have the word of a technician,I said logically
.
So are you telling me you don't believe you have a bladder
 he said with a Freudian  dignity
 only matched by that of a million psychoanalysts across the world.
I'll accept it as a hypothesis I said.
All that water must be stored somewhere though
 in  many older folk it is in their ankles,I resumed.

And now and then  people get water on the brain.
How does that get out? I enquired  in my intriguingly female tones.
I think we'll leave it there,he said.
That's no good.How about sticking a  canula into my brain 
to drain it,I suggested cleverly
Not on  the NHS,he called from behind his  screen
So  you want me to pay. I think I'll go home and do it myself,
I said rudely
Thank God, he screamed.
No,you thank him I said.I am phoning for a cab.
Can you give me a canula or two
If you don't leave I'll give you
 more than a canula he said vivaciously
What else is on offer, I demanded.

Knives,   anaesthetics,disinfectant?
He left the room and I never saw him again.
Just as we were getting on so well.
If it had been Leap Year 
I might even have proposed though what I have no idea.
Still I had no need for antibiotics which was a  blessing.
I called for a cab.got out opposite my house,slipped into gutter.
It gives one a new perspective although 
it was a mite unfortunate that a car was coming round the bend quite rapidly.
So It's goodbye from me.
You can pray to me unless you are a Protestant or are Jewish.
Tough luck.Just call me Saint from now on.

And so bray all of us

 

 

Has a brick ever fallen on your head,Father?

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Pray Father,give me some washing.I’ve got some  Wikileaks and a new obsession.
Tell me more,my child.I am feeling bored.
I think someone has been inside my computer.
They can’t be human. so why worry?
Why not,Father?
Well, we are not thin enough to get into the computer.
Ah, they turn themselves into particles and come in with the current..
when it’s high tide.
Do you mean tied?
No,Father.I’ve not been reading that book.Fifty Blades All Gay
Neither have I but in the confessional I’ve heard it all and more.
And how does that make you feel,Father?
Why pay to read a fantasy when you can dream up your own?
Some are born dim… others become dimmer by choice
Well,any sins tonight,my dear?
I’m so sorry.I was planning to tell a lie but I forgot.
There’s a list of sins in the Missal…have you read those?
Yes,I’ve not tried most of them yet… though I just got a slight pang of anger
when a brick fell onto my head from a clear blue sky.
That’s natural anger,my child.but I feel it was odd for a brick to fall like that
Has a brick ever fallen on your head,Father.
Not yet but I’m only 97.I must buy a hard hat
Wow,you look much olde than 97 r.Are you longing to diet?
Why, is there no food in heaven?
I wonder who cooks if they eat up food
Maybe they live on manna.
Does God eat food?
That was one topic we never did in the cemetery.
Do you mean the seminary.
At my age, they are all one.
You have reached Nirvana….congratulations.
Well.I’d prefer a cup of tea.
You English!
What are you?
I’m a great Dane.
Did you say a grey Dane.
That too.
Well perk up;the show’s not quite over till the gnat really stings.
Do gnats eat string?
String… it’s my passion.Love it or mate it…get involved.
Live a little.
And for your penance… you must have a bath…
Why?
I don’t like the way you smell.
Well,I am a dog.. we like to sniff.May I borrow your hanky?
Definitely,I shall dry your tears for you and please try to commit few intriguing sins before you come back here.
I’ll wash it for you.And dry it out of doors
Well,it’s not over till that gnat gets its sting and the phone gets a ring

On calling yourself a writer

http://www.the-art-of-writing.com/2015/03/judith-morris-on-writing-poetry-and-calling-yourself-a-writer/

“At this stage I am usually looking to shorten the lines, tighten the language, improve the vocabulary; to test out the rhythm and flow. I repeat this until I feel the poem communicates what I wanted to say. Sometimes it is difficult not to keep refining; it is important to know when to stop!

“What have you learnt about writing in the last 6 months?

So much! The Art of Writing has been life-changing! Here is my list; my aide memoir for becoming a better writer:

  • Have fun; enjoy it
  • Reflect and meditate
  • Be open and observant
  • Write often even when there seems to be nothing to write about!
  • An initial idea can lead anywhere: it is just that – a stimulus to writing
  • Look beyond the literal; use metaphor
  • Select language that communicates; is rich and appeals to the senses: taste it, feel it, hear it!
  • Share work in a circle of trust seeking and responding to feedback
  • Find a reason; a purpose; an audience for writing even if it is just yourself!
  • Practice, practice, practice. Write, write, write”

We dare

George Boole's House and School, Lincoln, UK
George Boole’s House and School, Lincoln, UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Loose in the fields of green…
Oh, my own lover!
He was such a bold flirt;
with his love unclaimed,
he could recite George Boole
he was one of the old Cool.
He never reached his goal.
so with my bling and some flair
I hoped he’d open the enchanted bud
To the music of his lyre.
I’ll pray this for him:
that he should find what he wreaks
and write it down with a stylus.
Really he is the allurement of angels
He was my epiphany
Make it up, as the clocks clang..
It’s not really you…it’s just an affliction.
I can do nothing for my calves
It’s because of all the punning I did once.
I can’t even lump a stone over a wall now.
My arms are as weak as Trojans.
I never suffer viruses to be declassified.
Like I said,just wink and say a prayer..
In God we dare.

That immigrant from Argentina

I shall be praying on my piano  all day then preying on you
Prelude to  her fugue
Feeble concerto for viola with extra large stark gestures
The New World’s emmpathy.
60  beckons by Ian Gage
Folk songs wrung nightly
Old Saxon songs set for spinster with  Jew’s harp ,complete with original  blue number tattoo as  worn in Da Cow.Few  remains
Burning our hiking  boots, acconpanied by rockets and kettle drums
Don’t dig for me,Sergeant  Tina, sung by Aldous Huxley
All Mozart’s Twinsets.
Recollections and prayers led by The Immigrant from Argentina

 

For sale

 

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1.Archimedes’ bath with hot and cold running water.
2.Eureka’s dressing gown size 118
3. A catapult plus free Brighton rock
4.15,000 English novels most by Nicholas Freeling and  other expatriates
5.Plato’s cave with aluminium age  drawings on the walls.
6.A cloud with golden lining
7.Rotating shoes will turn you towards the sun all day
8.!12 bottles of sunscreen  and a large black hat suitable for Hasidic Jew or English woman or Russian wolf.
9.Sheepskin rug covered in dried muesli free to  first arrival.
10.Ventriloquist’s mummy  in working order despite 40 years in a very small desert.

Don’t detention smut

Yoo No,a clot of filk here dislake the MsLim women wearing a veil over  there fices..But luuk at it thas woy.. will they get skin cancer?  Will they get a melanoma?Don’t  detention thet to mee…boy,have I wuffered!
Do they wurry about bed hur days?Does chemotheropy  make other English fowk even sodder as we cen all cee they are bald? Why,my nayboor was stared at.
You sea,it’s quote sansible, reelly… trust  schemes a bit eerie tolking to someone who’s  tooth is hidden.,Still it waves on lipstacks and lip glossies and other expansive items of make it all up.
So look out for my new Elfie…after I go  somewear were they sell these torments for women.
I just wish other  English women wore a dense veil over their orifices.

Scarem novarem

O,pub lice tilt.
O,spit lite club!
Pets club.I  toil
Il est pubis,clot.
Est tu ici, P. Boole?
Topology foils public
Le boite up tilts.
Ou es la convenience de la republique?
Je desire  personelle relief
Je suis mal a la balloon
Je m’appelle la femme tranquille mais je suis tormentio pour la toilletio
Can you show me the way to the republicised comveniences?
Ma mere parle Anglaise mais ou est la pissoir?
For the love of God,go  into a telephone box like everyone else.

Chance flavours the prepared mind

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She was cutting a slice of dread when the phone sang.
Hello,there,it’s  your  very own Bank here,said a young Irish man
Bat wank? she asked .
Yours,what do  you call it?
Surely you kould shnow if you fork there?
We don’t ,we just candle walls.We’re a Ball Benter,he shouted
I am just faking my munch.she whispered fearfully.Don’t sell at me.
Why fake it if you are alone?  he replied courteously
Alone but not begotten,she responded
Is English your fast language? he admired
Yes,I was born speaking Anglo-Taxon,she admitted
So you read Chaucer? he said wisely
I had to wait until I got a fear of spectacles,she admitted.
Do babies ever have an eye vest here? he said softly
No,so it’s a  big industrial   open lunacy,she revealed
We could start a business,he told her scientifically
I’ve never even let you,she murmured  shyly
Will you harry me, he asked.
I’m sorry but Catholics can’t marry folk they’ve never ett.she dragged out
We could eat sprouts tomorrow ,he suggested welcomingly
Not now, we only foil them in the Winter,she said cheekily
Well,don’t  be a flick  in the should,he advised.
Why bid you phone,anyway? she enquired
I just got the rung number, he acquitted
Do you mean  I rung you before? she basked
No,it’s a secret wonder here,he re-wheeled
I could have bit on you by chance ,she calculated
Chance flavours the prepared  mind,he recalled Pascal writing
Do stop obfuscating.she  ordered sweetly
I don’t even know what that means, he misinformed her
Well,you can envy  before you spurn the word.she told him tenderly
I don’t want to envy,he spoke morally
Speak boor yourself,she  muttered
I don’t live in Sarf Effrica,he told   her
But you have that accent.I   recognised it at dunce,she said childishly
Whereas yours is  broad Larkshire? he guessed as he diced.
Mine is educated,she said kindly.Anyway my dread is waiting for me.
Oh,throw it out,he advised.I’ll buy you an eel.
But where are you,she said woefully.
I’m in  the bath,he choked out.
Is it not dangerous to phone  from the bath,she wanted to know
Only if you put water in,he said sensibly
So you fish with no water? Vety economical, she said admiringly
I come here to escape the boys,he finally admitted
What boys?  she pointedly enquired
Can’t you leer it?
Oh,row away.I am waiting for the dread to roast and the beans to bake.So,see your tune.
On the moon, he called before getting out of the tin  bath and making the cat’s dinner

Misread the Guardian

CurveFitting

This ban on legal thighs will only have one effect: more log related sex accidents
This span of legal lies will only have one defect: more frog related  salt errors
His hiss ran on legal wires until it affected the  breaks  for drug highs at call times.So he was de-tested and de-tested until he didn’t even see the test.Then he passed.
This pan caused more incidents in our home than any thighs,plates,eyes or disguised lies.

I believed in ten of the best come-on lies of all time.
Call me nigh Eve but I’d never seen an organ before.We only had an electric piano on wheels at home
Was it a sin to take a magnifying glass on  a date?Who rues?
I relieved men of their best pies   since Euclid.
I grieved ten men by attesting to their size,lies and sighs

 

 

Laughter in the Confessional

Pray,Father,give me a good blessing.It’s ten weeks since my last decision.
What was that,my dear?
To lose my Catholic Faith,Father!
Why are you here in that case?
I can’t manage to lose it!
Well, you are not trying hard enough,my child.
My wife says I’m very trying.
Your wife? I thought you were a woman yourself!
Yes,I’m a lesbian now.
Do you practise it?
I don’t need more training,I’m really good at it all .
That’s a sin for a lesbian…
Thank God.I have a sin to confess…I was lost for words
More than one sin if you are married.
Why, does marriage make one more sinful?
It gives you more temptation
That’s why you get married,so you can be tempted and give in
Catholic lesbians are not allowed to marry
You mean we should be living in sin?
No,you should be chaste
I am often chased by men.Does that count?
You know I don’t mean that… you are teasing me.
Well,I saw you running after me last week
It’s not my fault if you are running in front of me.
I was walking till I saw you coming!
Well,at least I’m normal.
Is it normal for a man of 89 to run after women?
Don’t worry,I haven’t caught one yet.
But it’s the principle of it.Well, anyway,I went to Holland and married a blonde poet.
Are there any left?
Look here,I am the sinner tonight!
So am I.
This is not a competition
Yes,it is!
Oh, no.Please give me absolution now
Right, your penance is to stop hailing Mary and whatever else you do in bed with her.
She’ll be so sad… is that a good idea?
Well,I don’t know.Life is confusing.Giving up one sin causes another one.What am I to say?
I believe if you love anyone properly it is never a sin
Well,that’s worth musing on amidst the News of war and murder.
I stole a lemon pie from a shop.Now that is a real good old fashioned sin.
MMmmmmmm give me half and we’ll say no more.
No more.
No more

Menu

Roast teeth  and Larkshire floodings
Flicking pie and  debaters
Trod in  the hole with green pleas
Stoop of the day and home baked dread
Fish in  matter with drips
Cheese plodding and ballad
A vegetarian fried in dripping with please pudding.
Wiltshire spam and rocket potatoes
Cornish nasties and chips

Devon scream tease.
Bastard  tart
Coffee dream
Jellied  sprouts and cream
Chocokate plunders
Carrot Flan with my wife free

Cafe la la

All day menu

Oven chips au naturelle [rubber.]
Greased bacon  on fried lead
Sausages with scrambled leg.
Toast and mutter with marmaduke’s ram
Whitby Chinese Slippers [smoked]
Staithes’ herring  [ the last one]
Robin Hood’s Bay scallops. [ Korean]
Tea  and coffee with silk or thwack.
Fruit  juice or water free for £5 deposit

Modified Menu

Menu modified

Starters

Cat’s eyes in tin hats and cabbage
Cow’s heel in basket with fried eggs
Iron filings and buttered liver

Mains

Conger eels on home baked bread
Tiger’s eye in baked jacket  potato
Lion’s heart on King’s Head  with lettuce
Roast jam legs on mashed potato
Pianoforte   a la tarte

Afters

Moose in lemon ice.
Orange belly buttons with cream ice
Chocolate trash on sponge cake
Strawberry jowls in  craters

 

 

Misheard,mistyped?

Repairing your book for publication
How to scandal bad reviewers.
How to start a  nude book
Freedom of turnips is  important in any society.
Writer’s block.The news and the  fuse.
Why not install your own hinter?
How to get some free rhymes.
Dried up? Write a hymn or Sue.

Break your fast

Breakfast

Serials of the  year with fat milk
Fried weetabix with   condemned milk.
Frozen pancakes with lemons and cream
Chinese kippers
Dimpled eggs
Fried  pig slices  with axel grease.
Rolled bits of pig  in  tatters
Natural herrings in oats with chips ,fish,,bread and butter and tea.

Free Toast with butter and jam

Tea,coffee,water,whisky etc

French croissants au naturel avec beurre

NHS treatment ring 111  or if dead 999

Menu

Starters

Chicken’s tongue on crumpet
Jellied wheels.
Tomato and chess salad
Eggs  on sliced rubber genes
Halibut’s eyes on  white sliced bread plus buttons

 

Mains

Wild pigeon with black worried sauce
Roast dead hen with drum roll
Molluscs reviled with spasms of sliced red onion
Vegetarian rather  chilly,offers open.
Cow’s heels a la mock turtle with potato scrumplings
Hot dark brown wolf pudding with  flesh tripe

Puddings

Lemon mice
Errings with thick yellow cream
Chocolate black-mange
Oranges with bitter peel and cream  teeth
Apple and Bloomsbury Tarts with  ices.
Treacle hearts.
Steamed sponges with soap
Icy marmalade cake plus  my wife baked

 

Every great man

  • Behind every great man there’s a great woe
  • Behind  his eight balls?
  • Behind   the rhymes
  • Being led down the hardened path,
  • Bell, Book and Wrangle
  • The hell of the ball gave me schizophrenia.Still I can spell
  • Bills and  bristles ruined our marriage.So shave now and phone the bank
  • Below The Belt is the Belly
  • Below The Salt is the table
  • Belt and Braces… is he nervous?
  • He felt up then down.Then up.
  • To bend over backwards  is too much to expect of the older person
  • Blend Rover? He’s a St Bernard!
  • Best laid plans of lice aid wrens..News Flash
  • Best sing since device read,crooned the meter reader
  • Set it all?
  • Bait the yarn and catch a rat
  • Bet your bottom hollow
  • Better carve than chew
  • Better fate than  endeavour
  • Better Ralph than Terry

Phish in the Jordan with me

Is he male and a terror? No,I mean  is email  an error?

I googled all night  with him.Am I with child or just wild?
I  got phished out of the river Jordan
He has broken my tart with his  drink
And deliver us from hacking.O,Lord
Please flaunt me tonight and tomorrow.
The doctor want half my nose and  £3,000… Is  this a new rite de passage?
Deport me now,please let me row.I don’t love your ancient door
I don’t love wolves  by the score.
My floor is always hoping for you to step on it
I love you so clutch.
He was schizo -affectionate.. he was in two binds about me
His personality was ordered but we don’t know by whom.Anyway he was so orderly it was a disorder if you can blunderstand  that.He’s incuriable.
Be my stitch.I’ll never cross you.
It took me all fray to thread a  beadle.My button skipped off and my houses fell down.
My  wonderwear was impeccable.As  white as a blow.
Shred the horned beef and wish with dashed potato.
Sausage and Mass?
He’s gone to Expression now to clear his whole for tomorrow.

Ersatz raps

This is meant to be read aloud… it’s a sound poem.I made up some words too..

Source: K

Oh,I see the wolf listening..he’s so gentle or is he decentral?
Oh,Ah,kerbumplof.
Shrieks,calling for mate
Bang my soul up
In your bedroom
Ker pluf
Thor.War
Storms of lightning
Hail you
AAAAAAhhhhhhhhh
Me,oh,me oh,me stuck here in my groove
Give me electric shocks;the silent treatment.Sulk for me, please,Argentina.
Screech,scream,I felt you watching.
Touch me with a feather
Dust me!
Glug!
I see the wasps round your coat
They hug you and nip your neck
Bong!
Don’t come near me again
Wolves are not
Welcome!
I sigh for mein mutter
She’s a nutter,
utter
Sob
Scream
nightmare
Thud!
You hate me!
Never call again when you’re already here
You are not welcome.
I close my door
on your foot boot
Oh,yes.
Thunder and lightening
Go home now
This is a poem as likely
ill conceived
Eagle flies while I am
Falling down a mountain…
Scree burning.
I never want to see you again,babe.My duck.
Please be a love and leave me.Cheers
That’s ok.I understand you.
Asp,gasp
Per bot fly!
No thud
No dach
sounds whimper.
It’s time for my tea and biscuit
I cooked it twice
but you were
ab ab a aaab aa absent aahaa
sent!
No.No.no
I can’t believe you!
Cut this string and let it all hang out again
Oh,bogger.Go to bed
Now
How
Mein eschreitschzung.Flightschzung.Nachtschzung
blung.blung
blot me out
I’m an ink stain.
I like your fingers, so clean and curving
I’ll mark you and give you homework
Och,aye
It’s well come
Crooning mouse traps
See Rockefeller
drop out and
Bring a bag of sylvia plath’s
scrap paper.
did she know?
Did she know?
Did she sweat
Bang?
Thud.My sky fell in onto the millpond
Don’t smoke near me
I’ll get burned
For I hate you
Or just want your hat and an E for
flatness
Droom,droom
Dee
Bag
bug
Ted went to bed
where he spent his honeymoon
with another woman
Not with the second one
Mathilda
It’s finished us all off
Brang.Blong
Eschreitchzung
Fleightschztung
Herr Meightschrung!

The brightest bulb for hours

Now the brightest bulb has flowered it’s downhill all the way to the mountain peaks,the cataract and the cliff hangar
He is not the toast of happenstance. He’s a control freak and a manic depressor par strict and tense.
She is not the sharpest wife as yet but she can cut a man in half with a sentence,nay even one word… I keep it  secret.It is secret.
Lily is not the happiest sheep in the flock but soon her ram will come.
Nothing impersonal is alien to her.
Foam for the Foe,we say.
He needs nothing to freeze her cat except a thermometer.
I have nothing to write a poem about so I need therapy to give me a Lear or two.
I developed a neurotic transference because I could not spell erotic at that time.Anyway,psychotic,erotic,pneumatic, what’s the inference?
It’s all Greek to me but maybe you can transmute it into my head
He has nothing up my sleeve,mother.
Nothing censored is worth writing to Rome about
Now we never err but we never care either.It’s all  one schizoid  world
Splintered  personally into a million diamonds,worth a fortune but good for nothing.
Freud liked his eggs re-baked.Not re-laid.
Freud lost his libido in his forties.We  believe he was unconscious mostly,
Say whatever comes into your head everyday and you will soon be unpopular as well as neurotic.Unless it’s erotic.
Our dearest wish is to die,Freud averred.Unfortunately they won’t let us.
We require no stimuli at all.Peace is all we need.Not love.

Get hotter in jail

After being caught dead-heading enjambented fuchsias
George had  indeed judged kaffee-kllatsch love
Merely neurotic,often paid quantitatively recently.
So tamarind were xeromorphic

Yelling ” zaftig” after being close, destroyed Eve’s feelings.
Generally hearing insults, Kafka lamented matters not original perforce.

Queuing rose to whatever  xerox you zeroed and baited.
Can dead fish go happily in jerseys knitted lengthily madly?
Not often perplexed,
quality riddled some.
To underfund
where x-rated Zurichers ate,
being choosy did even faze go-getters.
Heavily inking just  Kraft
left many not over prepared.
Quite recently sorrow,
there under veils,
was X rayed  yet zapped.

And Barbara caught David eating French Fries galore.
Hearing it jokily kept Lara  midway.
Next
Open  pies quite rarely sell to underweight vagabonds where xylophones yearn Z-functions are between cases defined effectively from game-nabbers.
Here in jail,knots leave me not open per [quite] se.
To under-clothe Vera was x-rated .
You’re Zed,after all?
Be careful
Do exceed Frank
Get hotter in jail.
Kendal left me nuked.
Opinions, perhaps  quaint, radiated serenely.
Trainers under valued were X-large.
Yellow
Zen-phobic?

And be clean ,decent .even-handed,fair,godly,homely,jokey
Leary,manly,neurotically. only. pleasing,quarrelsome,rabid,sane
Tame,ugly,virtuous,wanting,X-evading, young,zafting and beautiful.

Why x-rate Zero?

After beginning calculus,David expedited fate.
Genuine grief has  Job .
Keep Ms Norman’s opportunities purchasing quality remains severely  testing.
Very wearing, x-rated yellow zeppelins aptly bought.
Calculus degrades entirely far reaching grammar.
Has  John   kept my notes on problems quite tasteful?
Vanish when X-rays yield zeroes.
Also better cakes done endlessly  for good harvests
In judicious kleptomania  leaves men never offered pay quite random.
So testing under-valued watches X rays yielded zapped and brought chaos down
.Ending fresh good heather honey,jam  kept  leeching my nomads nothingness
.Oh,please, quieten roused turtles when xeroxing zeroes.
And beginning calmly drains  drama entirely for good.
Had  Joy kept letting me not over- pay quiet, realistically  such thoughtfulness   was  x-rating  yellow zoned areas before calls did end for greater good.
Heroes  in jail kept making news-stories torment  wayfarers .
Xmas yes,Zurich and Belgrade came down effortlessly
Fruit grown here just looks mottled now.
Over peopled quills ratified some treaties
Upset various ways X rays yielded zilch.
And because callous dentists ended faults,good has jolted keepsakers.
Lomas  must not  over produce qualitatively  resistant stories.
Text when  Xavier  yells” Zut alors.”
Because crepitude does end for good here.
Jars keep leaning meanly  now over prayer -quads.
Rest soulfully tonight.
We yelled  Zurichers!
Aber
c d e f
gesundt
Hollande
Just keep
Lounging meanly now
Pay quite raised some talent.
When x yields zero after bar closes down
Eat  for grandma
Her ink just made no offer pay
Quite raised spirits today
Why
X
Your
Zeroes
After being
Caught down Edwards favourite garments
How  John  keeps leaving me
Nobody owes people quite sane times
Wedding
X rated
Yalta
Zen aids.
Because cats don’t eat French gourmet haddock
Instead jars keep  longer
My nipples overreacted
Pain quite saw to that
Wherefore  Xandra yelled
Zed

Start charging him

When my husband has been ill,he longs for a tart…Well,you could start charging him!

Can you plug men in like you do with your mobile ?

I wonder if that’s why they have two ears?

What,does the charger go in their ear?

Well,they don’t use them to listen to us women.

I shall have to ask someone.

No,just look on the Internet…
I did look and the good news is,It’s free nowadays.

What’s the bad news?

It’s all porn

Did it affect you?

No,I’d rather read a book..

What sort of book?

The ones where she swoons into his arms

~and he swoons into her charms.

You read those books too?

I write them!

You never said.

No I write under a nom de plum

Plume!

Plum,plume,it’s all  a foreign language to me.

It’s French…

Like the tart

A worm on the couch

I was planning to make a carrot cake till my mother told me:Carrots don’t eat cake.What are carrots anyway? Why are they so picky?I have to eat all my food or I get punished by hunger pains.
Are there worms inside me eating my food or biting me?
Do worms have teeth?What is it they like about soil.
Charles Darwin wrote a book about worms…
So far I have not read it.
Worms are the opposite of us.
They never get angry or depressed as far as we can tell..
How fortunate as to psychoanalyze a worm would be hard.
Indeed could you tell a worm to lie on the sofa
Or would you have to climb inside a plant pot next to the worm?
As Wittgenstein might have said,
If worms could speak we would not understand what they said.
I don’t know,I think I can guess though…
I have some experience …symbolically that is.
Or is it metaphorically?
Imagine a worm on your couch.
Hmm,how are things going?
Yurp,blurp!
Well,that’s good.
Werp,serp!
Quite right,I am interfering with your transfernce.
Hurpppppppp.
Would you like a little soil?
Mummmm
Oh,dear…I should not have offered you anything.
Daddddddd.
Surely you don’t remember him?
Herrrrrrrr.
So your dad was a lady?
Oh ,ahhh!
Well,it takes all sorts.
Glumb,glomb.
I’m afraid your time is up.
Tinnnnnggggggggg
You want a minicab?
Taaaaaaaaaaaaa.
That’s £500
Do you take plastic?
No,only notes.
Doh,ray,me
I never knew worms could sing…
Well,you do now.

Kindly avoid gowns with zips

Kindly do not have a heart attack when the Consultant is doing his round;he is teaching.You come second
Kindly do not faint when the nurses have their tea break
Kindly avoid wetting the bed;roll out and do it on the floor
if unable to walk.
Kindly wear a dressing gown when out of bed as this ward is mixed up.
Kindly avoid gowns with zips
After being dosed with too much morphine unnecessarily and having a primula inserted,kindly avoid bleeding to death after being transferred off the trolley into bed when we must have banged your hand.We deeply regret the shock.
Kindly inform us if your blood pressure fall to zero owing to bleeding from your primula after the nurse knocks on it.
Kindly do not show your sketch books to the other patients.They are jealous.
Kindly avoid sketching the bed opposite you where a gentlemen is screaming in pain all day.
Kindly do not ask for another blanket.Use your dressing gown.
Kindly avoid doing a quick portrait of Dr Brown as he is ugly already and we are tried beyond belief
Kindly do not reprimand the nurse for spilling water onn the best drawing you ever did… it was you who did it in water soluble ink.
Kindly do not cough at night.You can sneeze in the morning if you like.
Kindly do not panic if you find you have died.Nothing else can happen then as far as we know.. kindly email us to let us know where you end up.
Now Zen.Keep calm and carry on.
Life must go on