Category: nonsense

Kindly avoid gowns with zips

Kindly do not have a heart attack when the Consultant is doing his round;he is teaching.You come second
Kindly do not faint when the nurses have their tea break
Kindly avoid wetting the bed;roll out and do it on the floor
if unable to walk.
Kindly wear a dressing gown when out of bed as this ward is mixed up.
Kindly avoid gowns with zips
After being dosed with too much morphine unnecessarily and having a primula inserted,kindly avoid bleeding to death after being transferred off the trolley into bed when we must have banged your hand.We deeply regret the shock.
Kindly inform us if your blood pressure fall to zero owing to bleeding from your primula after the nurse knocks on it.
Kindly do not show your sketch books to the other patients.They are jealous.
Kindly avoid sketching the bed opposite you where a gentlemen is screaming in pain all day.
Kindly do not ask for another blanket.Use your dressing gown.
Kindly avoid doing a quick portrait of Dr Brown as he is ugly already and we are tried beyond belief
Kindly do not reprimand the nurse for spilling water onn the best drawing you ever did… it was you who did it in water soluble ink.
Kindly do not cough at night.You can sneeze in the morning if you like.
Kindly do not panic if you find you have died.Nothing else can happen then as far as we know.. kindly email us to let us know where you end up.
Now Zen.Keep calm and carry on.
Life must go on

It was human

She heard a   wail between her legs.She had given birth.She had no idea what caused it but it  was very intriguing.It was human.

His lies were enough to make  sackcloth  pleat.He was a born denier.He could fake any commotion and lie with emotion.He was an actor,you see,

Why not  break  the maths off and leave the  arrest to me? It doesn’t make sins!
How about  some data? We could correlate.Or is it co-relate?

Don’t grieve the hens.They are laid up already

She made her step black with boot polish so the carpets have foot prints.Very a la mode.But what a mood she was in.He meted out her punishment.A cup of tea!Next time paint it, he said.There’s no next time she said as she ran away with the postman.

Take care of your  rioting? No,take the cat  for the ironing.But why? Because he’s bored stiff and lying flat.
How about a bike pump?That will do the trick and get him rowing  [ is that having a row?]

 To  make  me alive  is not my job.I’ll take it from  there.

Stroke  the cat  strongly  weekly or weakly daily.

Fake it from me.I love you with all my parts.

Take it to the  gimlet or is it the hamlet? For  sighing out proud,ask someone.Shakespeare here?

I can’t read between your whines.

I can’t read between your whines.
My poetry is only mental floss.
Do you choose a flannel?
Where is my truth brush?
I need a  big clean howl some days.
I mispaid the Pope’s men.
Where are the hand mischiefs?
I like Jewish bloomers with  many  happy seeds  sprinkled on.
He’s anti-emitting anything.
I love Jesus for his behaviour.
Holy Week… we’ll be lucky to get a holy minute.
What’s wrong with  bed scarves?More mystery,more allure.
I  wear strange robes    despite my health.
Whatever text!
God is   bereaved again.
What do you stink your shoe in?
Get down of that Mabel.?
Never rush to the daughter.
What do you think you are suing?
Sex in marriage is an acrimony.
Were you never a virgin?
What’s so lad about that?
After Henry  chewed her Katherine Parr re-harried quickly.Then died.
Thank the Lord I am still dear.

Love me like a tea of finest brew



Oh,take me hold me,love me like you do

With kisses sweet, commend me  to your heart

Love me like  a tea of finest brew.

Love me like a coxes pippin tart.

oh,dance  me,swing  me, let me feel alive.

And let me feel your melody anew.

We get what we desire yet don’t deserve.

When one  is made from  love between the two.

Oh. lend me your  maths textbooks for   a while

I love  irrational numbers like a child.

and transcendental  pies do me beguile

i  feel tonight  my numbers dancing wild.

So ambiguous is  my attitude to men

I wave and then I particle again


	


	



			
				


			

			
Rules for impatient inpatients
		
	
	

		






5356006_967ca7cd14_mNo mobile groans are allowed in this hospital.
















Please faint on the bed only.Or if pushed,faint onto the nurse’s station.






No lipstick to be worn at night by spirits

.

Do not attack the doctor.He is only a pest here.


Pills must be swallowed when you  drink your own water.


Do not undress in this cubicle.Undress outside before entry.Leave your clothes in the bin for people to steal on demand (X ray unit]


Kindly tell us your name before we drug you.


If afraid please report to the nurse in  rhyming verse

.

If no night nurse is available please die after 8 am.


If you must have sex in the ward, please do not scream or moan as the other patients may be jealous.


If you have no relations please ask the doctor to oblige when he finishes his rounds.


If you feel weak,do not use your Kindle Fire on the bed


After a heart attack do not resume sex until you get home unless you had the heart attack here in which case please feel free to continue either or both..


Sex is a form of exercise but also can create chaos in public.Try walking instead with or


without a partner.


If borderline kindly make your mind up whether you love or hate the pest doctor




If we have to freeze your nuts off, we will do so with levity.


If you have no bosom,you are probably a man.Wards are now mixed so there is no.


problem apart from a shortage of braziers.


If you have any  loose nuts,please leave them in the hands of a female nurse prior to surgery.


Cover all your parts before the Royals visit.


Please leave me all your money before you leave the ward when about to pass over


Sex changes by an operation or sometimes naturally.


Are you bored in bed?Get out and walk up and down the corridor to annoy the visitors.


Kindly do not drum your fingers all day.Use a drumstick.


If you have erosive dermatitis, please dry carefully.


If you have an egg please donate now.Fertility counts.


Owing to a world shortage of egg cups,we now use mugs to eat from and saucers for our tea.


Do you have any further problems?Please weigh your words before you start

None of the staff understand the government…so please do not mention David Cameron if you wish to go home on one piece.


Pies are sold in the conservatory.We do not know why.


In fact we know hardly anything but don’t worry,we’ll treat you barbarically anyway.


Be a stoic and keep still.We all die  one day.Or night.





	


	



			
				


			

			
Mary is worrried:tales from the UK
		
	
	

		










On Saturday afternoon after luncb ,or midday dinner as we said up north before winning places in posh universities  which stole our native language, Mary began to feel very nervous, as she was going to the hospital with Stan on Monday for his next appointment with Dr.Range Rover.

Mary was puzzled.She felt almost happy last week about seeing this kind hearted and gracious well dressed female doctor.However she had been shunted sideways onto a male doctor who was almost totally silent.. so much so that he seemed to absorb Mary’s questions into his sponge of a brain without feeling the need to respond.

Why do I feel so apprehensive this week? Mary asked her dear black cat Emile.

After all.I was happy to see her or to even have a biopsy last weekend.Why have I changed in my feelings so much in a week?

Does it matter? purred Emile.

Maybe your mood is affected by something else.. like fatigue or housework or the ravages of age… [he was well read]

We don’t always know why we feel a certain way but I feel it’s good if we are willing to accept these negative moods.Even I have my moods when the fish you get me is not the right sort and you don’t give me my cat’s handkerchief neatly ironed.

You are so wise,Emile,especially as,being a cat,you never have to endure these interviews with consultants in horrible outpatients clinics.So you must have a wonderful empathy for humans

This lady doctor tomorrow is exciting me,cried Emile loudly.May I come  with you inside your Grace Kelly handbag.

What’s wrong with my shopping bag? Good grammar,by the way..

Well,she wil be surprised if you take a heavy shopping bag even if it has a Mondrian design on it… she may get suspicious.. even paranoid.If I am in your handbag she will not realise.

Not unless you miaow,mused Mary benignly as she smiled down at him her singular eyes gleaming like the headlamps on a Roller.

I like to know the reason for things,she continued somewhat frantically.I think therefore I might be eventually.I am not yet,for sure.

Does everything have a reason,shouted Stan querulously from the hall…

Well ,it does,but it might be beyond human understanding like the Burning Bush..

We can only perceive what our language permits unless we are poets,mystics or artists and even then it’s tough to venture into the unknown,unthought or unknowable..

languages develop in societies and learning your language embeds you in many cultural assumptions without you realising it.You think it’s reality when it is just one perspective.

How true,screeched Annie their neighbour from outside the open patio door.


She stopped there in her teal velour tracksuit with pink bra peeping and  with  unusually  orange  lipstick  and  toning turquoise  eyeshadow and   on her feet were striped trainers with  red lights on which might give men the wrong idea about this pure and rich lady

You seem to be overthinking,she said to Mary.Are you sickening with the heat?It’s like loving too much, which may be co-dependency.

That’s a very silly pc word,said Stan rudely.We are all dependent but men can hide it until their wives run away with the milkman and they get a shock not knowing how much they’d miss her changing the sheets and buying their underpants and socks.And ironing their hankies

Surely that’s not the main reason a man might miss his wife,cried Mary as she carried in the tea tray with a big white insulated teapot.

Well,you can go on the web and find a virtual sex partner or even buy a dummy woman. but it’s tough to find a devoted woman who knows what you need to function.

Why don’t you buy your own underwear and use tissues?,asked Emile

Well,Emile,I put out the rubbish and wash the heavy Le Creuset pot.I see to the car and bikes.I paint the fence and even bake cakes.

Mary washes the clothes and changes the sheets unless she has an idea to write down.She kindly does all the worrying for both of us and I remain calm like a lighthouse.We complement each other ideally.. and we love each other and a few others as well..without giving away our secrets

That’s one waay of describing it,thought Mary without commenting out loud

Anyway,I am still wondering why I feel nervous about Dr Range Rover….

If you accepted the nervusness it might ease,said Annie wisely in her highly pitched  voice like a car siren going off at night

Just then the doorbell rang.It was Dave the bisexual transvestite paramedic.

Emile phoned 999 saying Mary was having kittens, he said rapidly.This really must stop;inter species sex is not allowed here like most sexual activity

He was speaking metaphorically or is it metonymically,Stan groaned.

Now you are here go and make us a fresh pot of tea and admire my new tea caddy.I bought it for Mary last week in that  new  ironmonger’s shop in town.

At your service,sir,Dave said politely,his flowered dress waving in the breeze.

Do you know anything about Dr Range Rover,Dave? Annie murmured

What is her reputation etc

Some people like her, Dave said,Usually men.she’s not so good with women..

Well it’s too late to change thought Mary so I shall have to willingly endure the agony of meeting her again as I cannot leave Stan on his own with her…

why who knows what might happen? She might become his mistress as he likes several nowadays. despite nearly being too thin to live…

God only knows, a little voice said.

Hello,said Mary.I’ve not heard from you lately.

Well,I am still here looking after you

Thank you, Lord,I love you, Mary shouted joyfully to the surprise of Stan and Annie, not to mention the cat Emile who was unlearned in the religion of his owners.

I thought you were an atheist,Annie said with horror.

I am an atheist and I still  believe in God.It’s what we call a paradox..Mary cried graciously….

What would Wittgenstein have said?

Whereof one cannot understand,therof one must be patient and tolerant,.

Why does Mary need to understand all her feelings…Stan wondered

When it’s raining she doesn’t spend hours wondering why and similarly if it’s raining in her heart she must take it like parched grass…she thinks too much.

Too much for what? Her sanity perhaps which has at times bei.ng doubtful but that has made her very understanding to those who find life hard.Everyone has value,even mad,nervous half blind, supersensitive, vulnerable,stout arthritic female mathematical geniuses like Mary.She enriches the tapestry of life in a very real sense as someone once said

And so say all of us,she’s a jolly good Fellow of All Proles College,Oxenford..you know how famous it is!Or soon will be.







	


	



			
				


			
				


			

			
Rhymes feed our sounds
		
	
	

		
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  • Frightened by wrath? Read ” 1000 ways to cope with fear of  rage.”
    • 

  • Share out one’s  kitsch in a Will.That will show ’em
    • 

  • Call  the chair,it’s love, war or destroy.
    • 

  • All is well that blends well
    • 

  • Every crowd   has me whining,leave this mall now or forever  bear my grief.
    • 

  • The writing on the wall is due to poverty;can we have your   paper?
    • 

  • Rhymes  feed  our sounds and time steals our  wombs
    • 

  • Chaste by good taste,she was a sinner at heart but nobody reached her acme of fantasied  perfect love.
    • 


	


	



			
				


			

			
I knitted Mobius strips whilst intertwined.
		
	
	

		
This poem is unsure whether it is humorous or very serious




He loved my  beauty, not my wandering mind.


In fact ,he preferred me to be almost mute


I knitted Mobius strips whilst intertwined.


And listened to his voice as to a flute.




I soon grew tired of hearing his   crazed  views


I found a man who liked to hear me speak.


Until I mentioned I owned  ten green shoes.


Bottles yes,but shoes made me a freak






Then I found a man who never spoke.


He listened with a kind,inviting smile.


I would have liked to test him with a joke.


But feared I might then harm his utter guile.




Formidable the quest to  match one’s soul.


I need a body too to make me whole.







	


	



			
				


			

			
True medical comments from doctors to each other
		
	
	

		
•Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 


Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

• She is numb from her toes down.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• The patient refused an autopsy.

• The patient has no past history of suicides.

• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.

• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

	


	



			
				


			

			
Take such gold and use it well
		
	
	

		
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This photo is by Mike Flemming .Copyright


 










One part of writing is to guess

which tool will suit your hand the best.

Know which  image  brings out joy,

as you new sentences employ.

Writing brings up treasures deep,

as do dreams whilst we’re asleep.

Take such gold and use it well

Ring out purely like a bell.

Wisdom comes from sharing views;

One viewpoint, our vision skews.


 


Note:William Blake :single vision


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Lost my head
		
	
	

		


Doctor,Doctor!

What is it?

I have lost my head!

Go to the reception and see if they have any there.

You don’t understand!

Well, tell me more.

I’ve just bought myself a cashmere sweater.

How much was it?

Fifty pounds.

Well, that’s a real bargain.

Yes, it was £214 originally

Why was it so cheap?

It’s because I lost my head in the shop and kissed all the shop assistants.

Were they men or women?

I couldn’t tell really; they all wear pink trousers and spotted jumpers now.

But surely you could tell close up when you approached them?

Close up!I blew the kisses…. from the pavement.

I don’t believe this.You’d better see a priest.

I just saw one in the waiting room!

What!In here.What’s he doing?

I think he’s preaching to the converted.

But it’s  unethical to tamper with sick people.

They all got up and ran out.I’m your last one.I’m a Mormon now, you see.

But you were a Catholic.

I needed a change and another wife.Or ten

You certainly have lost your head.Go before I do something I’ll regret.

What would that be?

I might swear

Perhaps the priest will help you.

Be off, you headless man.You brainless biped.

Cheerio then.See you tonight.

Why?

I’ll be ill again by then.It’s my obsessions.

Take them home and drown them in drink.

Can I have it on prescription?

I’m afraid not, but I can give you a good description.

I drink Tiger beer.

Why?

I’d like to be a tiger later on.

Be off.You are tempting me to hit you with a brick.

Do you have a brick in here?

Not yet but I can knock  a hole in the wall with my hammer.Alternatively, I could use this waste paper basket.Jump inside.

I’m not a cat.

Oh, yes you are.

Oh, no I’m not.Cats can’t speak English.

How do you know that’s universal?

Well, French cats can’t speak French……

How clever.

How smart.

How insightful.

How delightful.

Excuse me, Doctor, there’s a dead priest here.

Well, I’m no good at raising the dead.

Well, you raised ten children.

No, my wife did that.I’m not even the father.

No, the Father is outside.

You mean this man was the father of my children…

Well, put it like this.He saved you all the hassle.

You can say that again.

He saved you all the hassle.


But why?

	


	



			
				


			

			
Don’t keep looking into the horror.
		
	
	

		
Has the cat got you wrong?


You are too quite.


Blanks to whom?


The oven won’t bake songs.


Can you fear me now?.


What do you think you are chewing?


Why do you keep not interfering?


He’s up to his old f licks again.


Pass the butter.. why,I’ve not finished marking it!


Where’s your rat?


He lost all his loves, one by one.


We should not write too hard.


I am caught in a map of my own faking.


Don’t keep looking into the horror.


He had terrors in every whom.


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Overheard on the bus
		
	
	

		
Oh, Lord.It’s me.I’ve got 20 free minutes left.Can I pray now or are you engaged?


Oh,God, why am I here?Please say something.Just a small voice will do.


And when I went to Confession,I said, Father, I have committed adultery three times with  three different men.Is that worse than  with the same one? He said, are you married? So I said ,no, but they are.He said, it’s a defence against true intimacy.And I goes, what….mi battery’s gone flat.Oh,no it’s ok.He said I should study symbolic logic.I sez,is that a penance? He said, not always.If you enjoy it give  some blood.I said, who to? He said the hospital.Oh, ok then.How about an Hail Mary.He said, No leave the women alone.You  need another occupation.Love is never enough and in some cases it’s not  love at all it’s just sheer greed.Are you still there?


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Asked for grace
		
	
	

		




Harassed by luck,he asked for Grace




Pass the bureaucrat and enter the lounge bar




Harassed by flying sorrows he swam ashore




The path of least  persistence beckoned gently




 You pay as you grow at the garden soul centre




Pay the  whipped dervishes later




Pray  for the piper and wail the tune




Pray and view  at Benediction




Playback  with a  touch too much




 He was hurled before  the Divine like an old Tudor  brick




Belief in  God was  recovered  after many aeons





	


	



			
				


			

			
They’re tabled
		
	
	

		
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There I was with my feet on their table when she said, they’re coming  back now.I said, them? She said, oh, them, you know and all their relatives.Where will they  all sit, I asked nervously as  their chairs were full of boxes of paper for printing my new ebook on.Except you don’t print e books, do you? That’s the whole point.


She told me they always brought their  folding chairs. from the garden And food?I queried anxiously.Don’t worry it’s a Fasting Day today.There you are, that is a good day to ask people round as if Catholic they can  only drink tea and eat bread and if Jewish they can’t have anything at all so it’s economical.That seems very selfish, I replied.Well, they’re always  eating and are obese already.I see, how disgusting I told her thoughtlessly, as she was about 4 stone overweight by her own  reckoning.


Well, there it is.Take it or leave it.The religious and their traditions could fill a book! As if………………The Bible!They’re very sensitive to criticism so I usually use witticisms instead.Very nice, too.


There were ten  full green bottles  and they’re all empty.Their owner will be hopping mad.It’s like their mother’s milk.Except she had no bottles built in.And cigarettes, what are they? I guess Irigay says  it’s  the end of the rule  of the  phallic  domain and  that oral sex  is a relapse into preverbal tonguing and inchoate irreplaceable longings.I don’t find their antics over there bemusing at all but  they’re a source of  laughter when the cat is asleep on my keyboard.


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
So we can sin:How not to learn English
		
	
	

		
 
 
 
  
 
  
 
  
 
  
  


 






Sadder than a  set  trifle with Carnation milk would be in Bloomsbury




I made it  big  from the sins of my  briefs.Amongst other undies,sundries and blunders.




 My hat  is made of old money and old rope.




Impale that gin so we can sin.




I,inane,   wish for beauty ‘ere I die




I made a brake for  my mind


My mind needs a mini-break





Make a long story  taut by editing and deleting 97 per cent




They made a mountain out of a coal hill and we got Abergavan




Make ends meet: Sew them together


Make lens suit: press your eyes.


Dry your eyes and press them nearly





You can make heads or tails of tadpoles into soup




I make like a  flea and leave a bite




We make no bones about it.It’s a corset.




Make or break this marriage: come to bed,my beloved.The sheets need changing as the Rorsach blots are boring.




He makes out like I planned it myself.




I make the Sadean protean and the  signifier  phallic , implying the edge of language is near and the Fall is clear.Oh,dear.




We make tracks in the sand.In the dessert,in fact.




Why makeup when arguing is free?




 Don’t make  the suave pay for that U




Make your move by collapsing all choices




 The new kettle makes my blood boil but  he prefers tea





	


	



			
				


			

			
Symbols of our darker selves
		
	
	

		
I’d love to ride on a tiger








Or just admire its stripes from afar.

I’d love to see the pride of the lions

Or the eyes of a handsome cougar.

But who wants to admire houseflies

And other insects or pests?

A worm may not be an insect

But I’ll throw them in with the rest.


Lions and tigers can kill us

Yet we admire their strength

But who admires mosquitoes

As they sweat in their tropical tents?

And when we look for a simile

Or a symbol or metaphor,

If you want a symbol for cruelty and harm-

That’s what insects are for.


The smallness and the cunning

As they slip in right under your clothes,

And bite you on your most private parts.

Where, nowadays, no-one else goes!

That makes us fear and hate them

But they are just doing their job

That is what they are made for

By their creator, Lord God.


God wants them to remind you

You aren’t so invulnerable

So he may send a tiger to eat you.

Gnats  so  innumerable.

St.Francis made friends with the birds

And with the wild animals too.

But which Saint made friends with the insects

Which live in this great earthly Zoo?


Will you be the volunteer holy one

Who befriends the hornets and fleas?

Will you tolerate their sharp sniping

As you try to tempt down the bees?

Will you preach such honey filled sermons

That spiders and beetles will flock,

And none of these insects will sting us again,

When they are tamed by you eloquent talk?


You’ll be the Patron  of Envy,

The knife sticking into the heart.

You’ll be the Patron of Rage and of Malice.

I’ll be relieved when your new Mission starts













	


	



			
				


			

			
His eyes rolled all over
		
	
	

		
I loved a Ukrainian from France


As he had  his own eloquence.


His eyes rolled all over


The white cliffs of Dover.


His legs did an elegant prance.


 


Now part of that cliff face fell off


St Margaret’s Bay had it quite  rough.


So I took him to Devon


Where the cliffs are sheer heaven.


His hat makes him look like a toff.


 


 


We communicate non verbally,


As we gaze out across the teal sea.


He wiggles his ears


Till I am in tears.


I laugh and  then, oh,dear,I wee.


 


 


Incontinence is a big  trade,


As women’s parts often need aid.


And we pay VAT


Which enrages me.


From puberty to  age we  have paid.


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Underneath cares, we find peace
		
	
	

		


 
 
 
  
 
  
 
  
 
  
  




Deep in a  sad and  nervous state,


Relaxation is hard to create


I feel so tense I can’t sit down


My eyes glare out and  then I frown.


I talk too fast ,I lack patience


I lose touch with my common sense.


To follow instructions from a book


Seems hard when I feel  my brain’s been spooked.


So what to do to help ourself,


Not to mention  soul and health?


I discovered that very deep inside


A pleasant silence often abides.


To  be tranquil, we need to sit


And to consciousness  peace admit.


Deep down inside we are at rest


And with love the soul is blessed.


All we have to do is wait


To get in touch with this sweet state.


Our own deep peace is always there


Too often hidden by common cares.


Pretend the chair is full of glue


We have some here called UHU.


I pretend  that I can'[t  get up,


An elephant sits gently on my lap.


Gaze  in wonder at a   tree.


Discover what we rarely see.


So let your thoughts float by like clouds


Your mind will  slow down when allowed


 








Trees in sunlight





















	


	



			
				


			

			
Wot not to rite
		
	
	

		
 


    

  • 

      

    • aegis: ee-jis, not ay-jis
      • 

    • asterisk: as-ter-isk, not as-ter-ik
      • 

    • alumnae: a-lum-nee, not a-lum-nay
      • 

    • archipelago: ar-ki-PEL-a-go, not arch-i-pel-a-go
      • 

    • athlete: ath-leet, not ath-a-leet
      • 

    • candidate: kan-di-dayt, not kan-i-dayt
      • 

    • chimera: kiy-MEER-a, not CHIM-er-a
      • 

    • disastrous: di-zas-tres, not di-zas-ter-es
      • 

    • electoral: e-LEK-tor-al, not e-lek-TOR-al
      • 

    • etcetera: et-set-er-a, not ek-set-er-a
      • 

    • lambaste: lam-bayst, not lam-bast
      • 

    • larvae: lar-vee, not lar-vay
      • 

    • library: li-brar-y, not li-bar-y
      • 

    • mischievous: MIS-che-vus, not mis-CHEE-vee-us
      • 

    •  
       
       
        
       
        
        
      • 

    

    

    • 

  • 

  • Who is Archie Pelago anyway?
    • 

  • Miss ,Jesus called.        What!Has he become gender fluid as well now?
    • 

  • He’s with Kay Meera I guess.I don’t blunderstand any furore
    • 

  •  It took aegis to cook the dinner
    • 

  • I larvee tonight, my dear one.I’m Deutsch so  I rhyme  like no one
    • 



 


DSCF0002


 


    

  • It’s that Elle Ectoralle on the  phone again.Hello,Elle.Heck she’s gone
    • 

  • We had lamb paste for our tea on digestive whiskers.The cat’s actuelly… it’s hell in here
    • 

  • Anterisques for sale post sortem la  langue francais
    • 

  • I lie buried rarely.I lie  prematurely.I lie cos I  love Xeno-phone
    • 


	


	



			
				


			

			
Lewis Carroll  (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)
		
	
	

		
Lewis Carroll


(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.




“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!”


He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought —

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.


And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!


One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.


“And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’

He chortled in his joy.




`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe. 

	


	



			
				


			

			
More about accismus:the limericks
		
	
	

		
http://grammar.about.com/od/ab/g/accismusterm.htm


 


What do these strange, new words mean?


And why have they evaded  being seen?


Accismus is a lie


Give it a try


I desire no reward but esteem


 


I don’t know what to think of my   find


It’s a grief to us fragile of mind


We think we know all


Then we suffer our fall.


Still it’s good to be bad from behind.


 


I thought I could die now in peace


As on words I’d  enjoyed  a great feast


But like the end of line


Is so hard to define


Infinity seems   so near when it’s least.


 


In between any two words you choose


Another word can  be found and bemuse.


Transcendent their state


They may   yet irritate


But without a little space they confuse.


 


Some folk declare they need space


Avoid saying they hate their love’s face


But  words have no choice


As they speak with our voice


And when used well they  queerly debase.


 


 


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
My pupils’ names
		
	
	

		
This is to help remember some of the hard or unusual words like inchoate


Photo0426


Nell Oaks


Belley  Aches-Hokes


Ahah Drawitt


Colonel Oaks


Dellue Sion


Hugh Sign


Hugh Drawitt


Okes Knell


Al Fredd [the cat]


Nice Quirk


Belle Knell.


Curry Favore


Inne Co-Hate


Harry  Mee


Ade Drawit


Harry Boil


Harry Smirk


Inke  O’ Itt


Adraw  Owitt


Anne Hokes


Utta C.Rap


Rubb I.Shed


That’s enough rubbish ,the Editor [F .Offe]

	


	



			
				


			

			
The knell was a hoax
		
	
	

		
The bell tolled the knell, but it was an hoax


Little boy blue was teasing us folks


For we have no batteries for our clocks


It all began at the equinox


 


First our watches all but stopped


After a while,the penny dropped.


God doesn’t like those un-windable horrors


So yesterday, is now tomorrow.


 


The knell will be tolled at six of the clock


After that there’ll be no work


And in the morning it will be nine


You are me and I am thine.


 


A hoax can be hurtful, a hoax can be fun


If  that is so,we’ll do it again.


The best things in life are not always free


They ask for thought and liberty


.


 


 


 


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Flying grass
		
	
	

		




















































    

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    5933175_e3b13db92e_a  2
    

    

    

    He’s the type who hits himself on the head with a large wine bottle and then complains abour flying glass.
    

    He’s the sort who swears at women when he’s happy and swears at them when he’s angry.And when he’s depressed he curses at himself which is much worse.
    

    So I said to him,you need a change and he hit ME on the head with an empty bottle and complained t about the splinters getting in his heart.
    

    So I said,you don’t need to break the bottle,just take the cork out.Then he said I was too bold and bright for a woman.
    

    So I put him on the bed and took out his splinters with my tweezers.
    
I stitched him up completely…he’ll be fine in a few weeks time when the cuts are all healed.
    
Meanwhile he’s resting in the cat’s basket.And the cat is in bed with me.Well,I thought he was a cat at first…turns out to be my ex… he still had a door key.
    
He said,what’s going on?There’s a man in a casket.
    
I said,No, he’s in a basket…
    
So he said,how big is your cat.
    
I showed him a photo.
    
That’s no cat it’s a cheetah,he informed me.
    
Just like you,I said naughtily
    
So he took the fence and ran away too sea…I hope it floats.
    
He ought to join the navy but he wore bottle green.
    
Why are bottles green,I wonder
    
And I like blue glass though not in shards.
    
So now the cat sleeps in a cot with its kittens… and feeds them all on demand and me as well.
    
That’s a saving grace
    

    photo1438 2
    

    

    

    

    • 



    

  • 

    

    

    Howl with discretion
    

    

    

    She gave him a bowl of discretion and some milk of inhuman kindness
    
I have the art and he has the craft but do we have the rhyme?
    
Shalll we abandon our lips? Kissing is not to be scorned/
    
So it’s all about my face then?
    
I sleep above the board and my head is underneath the bed.
    
Absence makes the heart stray yonder.
    
Advent makes my whole heart ponder
    
Resolution falters after the facts.
    
His face was in the hole and his ball was up a tree
    
His body is still missing apart from his complexion
    
He keeps his face up his sleeve since he saw a naked woman
    
Why did Achilles not heal?
    
The unborn don’t fall down on me!
    
Factions speak louder than wholes
    
Fictions speak sounder than truths.
    
After viewing my own art I need a shrink
    
After viewing my own heart I need a drink.
    
If you show me your part I can think.
    
After suing my own heart I wink
    
To be rung by the ghoulish is the privilege of the dead honest
    

    Two religions are better than one
    

    

    

    

    Pray Father,give me your guessing.
    
My guessing!Don’t you mean my blessing.
    
Oh,probably.Possibly..who knows.
    
So have you any sins to tell me?
    
Yes,I broke a glass jug.
    
Whose was it?
    
It was mine,Father.
    
Surely it’s not a sin to break your own jug?
    
It is if you hit yourself on the head with it!
    
What made you do that?
    
I was angry with myself…I had been committing effrontery.
    
Do you mean adultery?Your main problem seems to be bad language.
    
No,Father I never say” Fuck”
    
You just did.
    
Well I had to do.I had no choice!
    
That’s what they all say…if only I heard some original sin I’d find life more interesting.
    
Well,it’s hard to think of anything original to do especially if it has to be a sin too.
    
You are just not using your creativity.
    
All right Father,Put your hands up.i’ve got a gun.
    
Where did you find that?
    
In my wife’s handbag.
    
Now we are getting somewhere.. that’s threatening a priest,interfering in your wife’s privacy and stealing a gun.Any other sins?
    
I could shoot you,I suppose.
    
No.no!That is going too far.
    
Shall I slap you?
    
No… just say something rude to me.
    
Your sermons are the most boring I have ever heard.
    
Well,that’s enough…I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
    
You have been very lucky then… you should hear what people say to me!
    
Well,you are both ugly and unintelligent.I don’t know how you had the nerve to marry.
    
I had no choice.She forced me.But I gave in quickly in case she changed her mind.
    
And you have seven children.
    
No, they are not all mine,And they are Jewish.
    
How can they be Jewish.
    
My wife is Jewish!
    
I thought she was just a lapsed Catholic.
    
No,she’s Jewish but not even an arranged marriage could be arranged for her so she used her imagination and decided an overweight ugly Catholic would be grateful for her love,
    
And are you grateful?
    
Yes, and so are all her lovers!
    
Who are they?
    
The curate is one of them and has two children .. they look just like him too.
    
And does she want them raised as Jews?
    
She just let’s them rise naturally and go with the flow.
    

    

    Do they have to wear hats?
    
Only in the Synagogue!
    
Are you Jewish too.
    
Yes,it’s quite handy as we have Sabbath on Saturday and then we have Sunday on Sunday if you see what I mean.
    
I never met anyone who practised two religions before.;
    
Well,I figured it would double my chance of salvation!
    
Well. I must speak to the Rabbi.For your penance you must give £50 to Homeless at Xmas.
    
Am I absolved.
    
If you stay any longer you’ll be dissolved!
    
Thank you,Father.
    

    And take that gun away.I don’t want it.
    

    I can get you a good price for your cassock.
    
Why,thank you,my child
    

    

    

    

    • 

  • 

  • 

    

    

    dandelion
    

    

    

    • 



    

  • 

    


    

    

    

    Love or unlove
    

    

    

    

    Till the end of rhymes,I’ll be loving or unloving you
    

    

    

    

     Until the very end of time I’ll be loving you.
    

    

    

    Until the end of all my rhymes,I’ll be writing you.
    
Until the day I die,I’ll be unintentionally annoying you.
    
Older and older,I’ll never leave you,but I will,no doubt, grieve you and
    
deceive you,misperceive you and misconstrue my meter when I am writing for you and I can’t stop to get the right rhythm
    
Otherwise I’ll think of you,wink at you and make a hypnotic link to you
    
For now,my fingers will be all over you..looking for fleas in your clothes, and for for mice in your shoes.
    
I’ll be looking for tears in your eyes
    
and making you feel surprised.
    
Do you speak Estuary English?
    
Or Frenglish?
    
You spun me a tale…..
    
Love your particular detail,like you are male.
    
You have small hands and feet.
    
And you can smile.
    
Love may fail
    
Though it has no examinations.
    
Or recriminations
    
So I’ll stop loving you
    
And find something more wise to do without you
    

    

    Computer of love
    

    

    

    Your skin glows like red apples in the fall
    
You are as ripe as the strawberry left from last week’s crop
    
in the loving hope of being eaten or eating
    
My yearning heart rises to your yodeling voice and leaps like a cat at the whisper of your name.Shush,… don’t tell!
    
The evening descends on a great brown eagle’s wings.
    
What’s a lady?
    
What a night!
    
I am becalmed by your woolly hat
    
that I carry into the twilight
    
and hold next to my face
    
to remind me what a swelled head you have..
    
Even bigger than mine.
    
It will make a lovely tea cosy..
    
the hat,not your head.. baby
    
I am filled with hope that I may be privileged
    
to dry your tears on my tea towel or on my woow;;.
    
I have plenty of them peach,blue or cream
    
As the buttons fall from my winter coat,
    
it reminds me of your messy yet delightful house..
    
so I feel happy like a bird in a tree top.
    
In the hush, I listen for the last purr of the springing cat
    
that follows me about in my rich and wild fantasy life.
    
Perchance we dream
    
My heated heart leaps under my new blue silk bustiere with unmatching slip
    
and my denim jeans and wool blazer
    
Gosh, no blouse but I’ll buy one soon if you buy my poetry.
    
I wait in the crystal moonlight for the route to your secret bed
    
to be shown on the TV so that we may run as one, hands full of feelings
    
in search of the glorious pink madness of love
    
right into your bedroom… don’t fall over the rubbish..
    
the books and the coathangers, he said
    
Darling I can’t wait.
    
I beg you for a kiss..
    
that’s enough for any woman.. .
    
Even one glance from your eyes would satisfy me
    
as much as solving Fermat’s cat’s theorem or caressing your eyelids.
    
You are my man….I love you like I love wild apricots and anemones.
    
And moreover you are taller than me…
    
Congratulations.You are divine to me,
    
you smell so fresh always.
    
I always wanted a clean man!Is it too late?
    
I always tried to be punctual..but punctuality is not lovable,
    
just an indication of an obsessive link with time
    
not conducive to relaxing in the arms of Rudolf Valentino
    
or even Dr Zhivago.
    
I hope you will take me back where we came from into the Garden of Eden..
    
I want to give you a big Apple baked in pastry.
    
Well,how do we end.. writing has no end so I’ll just stop in the midd
    
or start to begin again
    

    and again
    

    and
    

    

    

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6819924_f1126074c2_m-brighter














	


	



			
				


			

			
Uncliched at last
		
	
	

		




about grace


about strays


he touts lace


spouts in my face


i hit an ace


I bowl over harm


dis-route my face





 he loves roars


under board


my side’s bored


between the fines, he writes


he’s love’s adored moon





absence makes the heart grow flippers


adsense cakes the charts with glitter





absolute power  disrupts absolutely


dissolute showers pollute  the airs





a face is a  whole


embrace my soul





 he laced up his sleeves, buttoned his socks then made a brief case




 hercules’ wheel hurt achilles’ heel




acid  is best


passing the test





 runcorn ‘s where grandad loved me


runcorn is not far from the sea


grandad’s dad was unknown to he and me and possibly his dad never knew he were a dad  so my own great-grandad never knew about me.[but now he does]





distractions speak louder if bared


fractions are ok bu I’m  decimatedly bored





after my own heart he ate his own


he loved eating out,especially bodies.





glaring dirty laundry eyed me frankly rudely and sweatily


the washing machine wants to be baptised/surprised





 a wall bent out of shape by the  drains


I’m all dents and  I ache in my pain





all alphabets are off


wittgenstein’s lines


all bets are paradoxes to rustle






	


	



			
				


			

			
Better to marry than harry
		
	
	

		
 


 



http://www.britannica.com/topic/incommensurable


My dear girl do you wish to  be married?


Don’t study maths, else you’ll be harried.


Men are afraid of us


Women can’t mate with us


So  one might as well  die and  be buried.


 


My reaction may seem  too  extreme


For surely  one may get some esteem;


For playing with irrationals,


viewing  incommensurables


is a metaphor for political themes.


 


For whole numbers are easy to see


And fractions  quite rational  be.


But the square on the diagonal


Is totally irrational


And from the circumference’s demands we  may flee.


 


And comparing the circle and square


Shows  unconmensurable  flair.


And human folk too


Exhibit this too.


So in marriage don’t expect all to be fair.


 


A straight line can be tangent to a curve


But never can two such  things merge.


But if the line keeps quite still


the curve  then might  well


Curve back  with delight in its  swerves.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

	


	



			
				


			

			
Fantasy prone personality
		
	
	

		
beautiful-hairstyles-1






Fantasy prone personality – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.


I think I might try this!A few fantasies may lead to writing a novel, my dream…. now ,I am sitting in a helicopter over  the Dead Sea .Why am I here?A man comes in and gives me some tea.Thanks, I say.I didn’t know Jews  or Israelis or Palestinians  drank tea in the air

Well., you know now, he growls nastily.What makes you think we don’t like tea?

I just don’t recall tea being drunk in the Bible, I say in a  knowledgeable manner

Well, you must have missed the Fifth Gospel ,he told me.

Matthew, Mark,Luke and John,

Peter  put the kettle on.

But what did Peter write, I ask. Anyway if you are not a  Christian the Bible we use is not the same as yours

He  said they drank tea when the  wine ran out.So Jesus wanted us to drink tea.. That seems a bit feeble.I just  don’t believe this but I can go online to ask a priest  ot rabbi I forgot, It’s just a fantasy of course.I think I’ll have another one about dancing on a liner crossing the Atlantic and meeting Sylvia Plath.I’d like that in a way but also be afraid.



	


	



			
				


			

			
Mary buys an outfit
		
	
	

		

Just before  the date of Stan’s funeral a  new heatwave began.Mary realised her outfit which her sister had  thoughtfully chosen was  much too heavy.And she didn’t want to pass out.So she called into a small department store full of delightful garments.Unfortunately most were more suitable for a nightclub than a chapel.A black dress caught her eye.It had a somewhat low neckline which was decorated with a deep gold band.


Mary decided it was more suitable for Queen Cleopatra than a British  woman.After a few minutes she found a lovely thin black jacket and a long  drapy skirt.She rewarded herself with a large cup of coffee and observed the scene.


 


Many of the women were wearing the dresses Mary had thought were for dancing and nightclubs while the rest wore jeans with T shirts saying:No size Fashion or Free women now!Most were rather plump so their busts stuck out with the words going up and down some invisible contour lines across the small mountain range their bosoms resembled.No wonder when the counter in the cafe was stacked with almond croissants.Definitely  an occassion of sin and for sin.P1000179 4


 The next morning Mary showed her new outfit to Annie.


You can’t wear that,Annie screeched  in a womanly way.That  skirt is blue!


Well if it is ,it is dark blue,Mary cried.It looked black in the shop to me


You will have to go back and change it.And you must buy some makeup too..


What,for a funeral? Mary murmured guilelessly


Yes,said Annie who was wearing pink and purple eyeshadow from Pax Wacter combined with sun protective foundation by  Minxette in deep cool beige.Her lashes were dyed purple and her brows had been groomed in a way which gave the impression she was constantly in a state of severe surprise or shock.


Her thick juicy lips were  painted  a lurid orange from Revlon of   Timbuctoo and Shanghai which meant that any man who kissed her would never  be able to conceal  their passion from their  wives or partners.How hard life can be at times.Or even all the time


.You must dress entirely in black for the funeral and it will make you look pale but don’t worry you can have some of my makeup


Will the colour suit me,asked Mary plaintively.


I think you can wear any colour now your hair has gone that shade of pale like Helen Mirren’s is.


You are a  kind  in a rude  way,Mary responded ,but I  take the hint.


After Annie left Mary phoned an old  friend of hers and asked him what he thought of her clothes problem.


Black and blue will look very good,he told her.As long as it’s dignified and dark  the colour is immaterial.Don’t think about ir


That’s nice,Mary thought,as she hated shopping and was unsure how much income she would have as a widow.


Being practical a dark  blue skirt  is something a woman can wear any time whereas black is not so good in the daytime nor in a nightdress either,she realised


If  you visit any town centre in Britain you will see sights  of women in strange and tight clothing that will both amuse and appal you  though most of us are used to it now.I don’t know if men ever get used to it,


My goodness,  Mary said to herself,what hard work it is losing a husband.I should have hired a boat and thrown him into  Coniston Water.That would have been better than all this kerfuffle.Although the police might not like it.Still waters ruin sheep.though.4666723_f520


Cubist collage by  Kathryn Braithwaite.

	


	



			
				


			

			
A square plate
		
	
	

		
He said he needed three square meals a day .So far  she ‘s not found him a square plate!


He said he liked to sin three times a day so they divorced and lived happily with laughter.


He used to go to Confession weekly until the priest gave him an extension to finish his list once and for all..Otherwise  he’ll be   getting a doctorate in doubt and rumour.


How do we know when the time is ripe?


The future’s not ours to flee.


Why don’t rolling stones get a gloss?


We used a milk bottle as a rolling pin but now it seems  pastry  cp,es in cardboard boxes in the supermarket


I like sausage and trash once a week.


Why did  any cooks boil the wrath?What did they want.. a red mist?


.