Category: nonsense

I spurned my mother’s cheek.

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I spurned the other cheek.
Adjourned  but never leaked
I  spurned  the other’s sheep
I turned the others weak
I learned  maths last week
I burned  like fire to meet
I earned his ire while bleak
I turned the gyre ,oh beak
The falcon cannot speak
My thinking is oblique
I’m spanking fit and neat
My husband’s  hands were sweeet
I churned, my   backside creaked.
Yeats wrote twice a week
Keats’ letters weep.
Was Mozart ‘s mother Greek?
Hebrew is our meat
Did angels  look so chic?
God must be unique.

Love buried and unseen

The kindness of  our neighbours helps us cope
With life, with death,with many shades between
When we despair and  can’t imagine hope

When the sailor takes us in his boat
When he rows us on a  night-blank sea
The kindness of  our neighbours helps us cope

The world  seems  made to hurt, and then frustrate
The mind confuses   dreams , reality
When we despair and  dare not even hope

 Love is built  as we contain our hate
Sailing well  we  find a new country
The kindness of  our friends helps us  to  cope

Persistence in the virtues   gives us scope
Start again, the angel said to me
When I despaired and  lost my  bits of hope

In our mind love’s buried and unseen
Yet we can raise the dead with energy
The kindness of  our  frriends helps us cope
When we are lost and  can’t discover hope

 

He won’t like  the crap you shed

I am frightened I’ll run out of food
My   insides are in knots that feel glued
I  feel sick tonight
What was I ate?
The cat’s looking mad  yet amused

The Whiska’s beef ‘s  meant for the cat
I trod on him, he is now flat
I stole his dinner
I am a great sinner
I should eat  both the snake and the bat

This epidemic is my fault, you see
I gave away bat food for free
The homeless have soup
And suffer from croup
The rich  folk denounce liberty

A huge sense of guilt is conceit
In a sense it is also deceit
We’re not omnipotent
Nor are we impotent
We’re in the grey, be discreet

I wonder  what new world we’ll get
When Boris  in aspic is set
He’s having a  baby
It happens  now daily
It’s the mother who’s caught in his net

Fancy  a nappy change now?
Boris  is taking a bow
He won’t like  the crap you shed
When you are in his bed
Well, it’s far too late after the plough

I eat cartoons for breakfast with a knife

I  lack the skill of mimicking   a cat
Mimesis  makes me copy  acrobats
I cannot do the crossword in the Times
If I’m free, I marry many  rhymes

A cartoon left me cold,I needed words
I preferred  to talk except to  birds
But now I reach the higher slopes of life
I eat cartoons for breakfast with a knife

In mathematics we use little signs
The science of pattern  circles all my lines
We learn to write  what others knew by craft,
The hand precedes the brain, the warp, the weft

The Scribes were groups  who wrote what others said
Scroll by scroll the Hebrew Bible’s read

Never get engaged on a whim

How to get rid of your lover
Tell them you’re carrying a germ
Spray Dettol around your home
Put deodorant on your  comb
Ask if they wash all their sperm

Nobody likes a rejection
But sometimes it’s better to leave
Be polite  as your part from them
After all they’re gentlemen
No need to make men aggrieved

Would your prefer an arranged marriage?
My doctor says it worked for him
Remember you’re ugly
Though very snugly
Never get engaged on a whim

 

Take your mind off

If you live near a psychopath
And can’t run
Then it will take your mind
Off the coronavirus

And if you have a UTI
You will want to die
Don’t kill him  yet

Strange how a bodily pain
Feels like torture
Like houses  had faces
And pictures of the  three bears
Hung in your lounge
Suddenly when you were five
Turned into a bridge with  three arches
Over a river

We truly believe
Then it  goes.
The eyes are windows
The mouth is a door
There never was  nose
At least we never  heard it sneeze
It  didn’t cough
Sometimes the chimney set on fire
But girls didn’t put it out

I get drunk without a single drink

I did not  know my mind was strong a sin
My wickedness was choosing to be thin
My ringlets  seemed  far wilder than cats’ screams
The torture and the vividness of dreams

I picked up books and read them in an hour
How could I guess  the wreckage of men’s power?
I made pastry, I baked cakes of wheat
To honour God , my father, the elite.

In my pram I gave the neighbours shocks
Electric was my verbal skill and luck
They asked me how to vote and who should win
I sucked my dummy as my thoughts all ran

 I  sit and listen by the kitchen sink
For I get drunk without a single drink

Over burned spaghetti and red wine

God has made men suffer making me
As beautiful as morning by the sea
Because I’m only interested in maths
I have long since left the garden path

I never look in mirrors  or deep ponds
Narcissus eat your heart out in ferns’ fronds
I  never used to wonder how I looked
When my eyes were glued on a textbook

What irony that men would love me so
I   thought myopia  would  make them shy
I thought they’d like to talk  of Wittgenstein
Over burned spaghetti and  red wine

But now I’ve learned how beautiful I looked
Lying on the sofa with a book
Alas it is too late for any more
I see the edge of Heaven by the door

God  may seem ironic, it’s a test
I may kiss you once if you insist

Meet your curse

How to manage your boss
How to damage your boss
How to savage your boss
How to banish your boss
How to seek for work
How to leak your worth
How to streak and worse
How to meet  your curse
How to beat  the curse
How to  bleat and shirk
How to write poetry and verse
How to import  forty whores
How to  survive jail and more
How to revive your faith when sore
How to stop selling slaves at the door
How to write a life sentence
How   to fight Evil and its allure
How to live well and be pure
How to  fib and sell cures
How to tell lies and  far more
How to differentiate the truth of calculus from quantu, mechanics
How to integrate panic
How to disintegrate with good manners
How to shorten your nerves [ my nerves are twice the normal size]
How to knit coats for bad nerves
Unnerving for swimmers in  life’s sea
Knit yourself well
Cat is my name, what the hell?

I dreamed I rode a tricycle last night

I dreamed I rode a tricycle  last night
Large and painted blue without  a bell
Then I met my doctor,what a sight

He told me he had lately seen the light
And wished to be a monk inside a cell
I dreamed I rode a tricycle  last night 

Ted Hughes had gone out fishing for a pike
The army in my head was doing drill
Then I met my doctor,what a sight

I see the almond  blossom, what delight
My sister thinks I’ve left her in my Will
I dreamed I rode a tricycle  last night 

Yet I am weary with my oversight
I am rarely mad enough to kill
Unless I met a doctor  out on strike

Because of such a strike I lost my sight
The Eye emergency  was  left too late
They say  that if I sue I’ll feel a chill
Surgeons  with knives on my window sill

 

 

Eternal love and hate

Everyone wants to be normal
But nobody knows what it is
It must be ouside of us
Or we’d feel what it was
So is it that we are all God?

Why do we want to be normal
Instead of being ourself?
We want acceptance
For sure and not by chance
Not to mention we all want  more wealth

Maybe there is nobody normal
The median, the mean or the mode
We all need to deviate
From  eternal love and hate
See  here what the Greek Gods still owed

The King’s Head!

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You’re looking well, the doctor said ironically as I stumbled into his office
Don’t mention it,I replied,It’all Greek to me
Are you drunk, he said solicitously
No and I am not a tart either,I lied truthfully
What a pity,I fancy an apple, he shared
Doctor, keep you voice down.The patients will think you are a pervert.
Well, one tart is as good as another to a dead man
Is that a trope or a simile?
What a pointed question.
But not disappointed?
Who was Adonis?
Mrs Thatcher’s husband  with a Lancashire accent
No, it DIS I am thinking of
You seem to be imitating a racist film
Fancy  that, without even knowing!
Well, you are a real doctor,I hope
No, but I am rational
I’m afraid you can be counted
But who could count an infinite set?
It’s in theory
That’s intellectuals for you.It can be done in  Theory.But where is Theory?
Where intellectuals hang out using their imaginations.
Well, blow me down
Why can’t you jump?
I can only do it in theory
Well, better get on with the surgery.Which head are we cutting off today?
The King’s Head!
Well, it is his turn now….how  will he take it?
Under his arm
Like a deodorant?
I can think of better alternatives
Not a pig’s head?
No, an apple in his mouth
See,apples again.Why not go to an Art Class and paint some?
Because  my wife won’t eat them painted
How will  she know?
Because I have no artist’s palate
Well, it’s never to late to grow your own
I have my own palate
How is that?
It’s like  a bed before beds were invented
How come?
It is a bag of straw
But nowadays  they don’t sell straw
In case it’s  china?
How can  one sleep on china?
Go to a Tea Service and ask the Vicar
Ooh, you are artful
You do look well today
Am I the doctor or not?
I don’t know Not
You know Nothing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fortunately, he cannot bite

I dream  at nights of my old friends
My husband and his loving hands
I dream of all the cats we  had
Alfred who slept on  the bed
He laid his head upon my foot
As I wrote  a poem of love
Jimmy who was small and black
She  bit my hand if I got up
I did not wish to wet the bed
She did  not understand  a word I said
The last night  here she gazed at me
I think she knew  she would  not be
Lucky was the nervous  one
Black and white , apartheid none
He liked my husband’s shoulder dear
He draped  himself  and lost all fear
Now the cats have all gone off
I am frightened by a cough
My husband comes to me at night
Fortunately he cannot bite
He  touches me with tenderness
Smiles and wished me,God Bless.
When I waken I feel lost
So I have to wear a watch
I seem to have no solid self
I feel nervous of an elf
I don’t mind an angel sweet
He could rub my aching feet
I will have no other man
They  are frightened of women
They don’t like to lose at Chess
They don’t like  to wash my dress
They will brush my winter coat
Never ask me what I wrote
I do not wish to anger men
They might shout  and bawl again
I think maybe I will turn gay
Ask a lady, what to say?
They may not understand my needs
Killing flowers to  help the weeds
Talking all the weary night
On the whole they’re parasites
Also they may menstruate
I can’t  give them seeds  to  take
So they will leave and  get a man
This is where it all began
Eve and Adam,God and man
Cain and Abel, apple flan
Noah and his Ark so fine
I wish I had one in the rain
I wonder when the world will end?
I am old so be my friend

Awesome  now means  medium at best

Rubbish is  just something we don’t need
Or something  not worth mending   we believe
Where nonsense may be foolish talk or jest
Or English humour at its lethal best

There is no Judge, it’s people who decide
Whether it is nonsense to deride
The  message of the media  online
Which like the Consecration, is divine

Awesome  now means  medium at best
That is, you have barely passed the test
What a lot of stupid people say
Appears on someone’s T shirt the same day

Nonsense can give pleasure,make us loose
Sometimes it can make us feel confused.

What is nonsense in the modern age?

To write nonsense one   must think it first
Then translate thought into a  little verse
But what is nonsense in the modern age?
The more I hear, the more I feel enraged.

Yet Lewis Carrol made a lot of notes
Jabberwocky is a  poem he wrote
Where  time was always brillig  in his day
And mimsy was the passion for the stray

And Alice went behind a looking glass
She got trapped and missed the IT class
When she saw the minus and the plus
She said, Oh, my,I thought it  merely glass

Mirrors are a vital  need  we  have
Especially when we lead a  dog to bath
Lacan and Winnicott each  state
The mother’s face will mirror  and emote

So if  your mood swings  are too much
It never helps to go inside a church
Try  a  little dose of opprobrium
The shock is less  if you have  got a chum

I wonder why  the  head is so attacked
Electric shocks, brain surgery from quacks
When massage with essential oil of rose
Curies hysteria and warms the running nose?

I  hate the doctors and their ignorance
I really  ought to  learn to love a  dance
For it’s the entire body that needs aid
It is for this that many people prayed

What is nonsense but a better world
Where babies laugh and little girls have curls?

 

 

 

 

What nonsense

Writing nonsense is extremely hard
Writing rubbish verses can annoy
Nonsense has some style, some meaning too
Gyre and gimble till the spies  find you

Read aloud it makes me laugh and cry
Borogroves are woods where mancipes die
Wabe is like  the sea, its rappling  gorm
Please put  your wrong name upon  a form

Why not  stroke A Rest for Oxford now
Lie down in a stunt without a cow
The rivers   bring  down water from  the  hills
Why God put the springs there, we can’t tell

Read a little Alice for your heart
Through the mirror is the wiser part

I don’t like  the odour of your shoes

I am good and you are evil now
I decide and you must  just agree
I am  your superior and how!

I must be the bull and you are cows
You are blind but I can truly see
I am good and you are evil now

By  good fortune, I am well endowed
I make better cakes and better tea
I am  your superior and how!

I don’t like  the odour of your  shoes
All  I meet will  certainly agree
I  shine  bright and you are duller now

I know  that  God himself was born  anew
I will  learn his language  for a fee
I feel so superior in the  pew

I am the python  in the apple tree
The adder shedding skin, the perjury
I am good  but boring too I know
Where are the shades,  the LSD,the glow?

Cured in hell

My doctor diagnosed me so well
The pharmacist sent me to Hell
The heat cured my joints
Despite devilish taunts
So we’re off for a weekend in Rhyl

The doctor  has grown a new beard
He looks more mature than we feared
He asks pointed questions
And then  makes  suggestions
I feel that my pain is  less  here

Why do we need doctors today
Is it insufficient to pray?
I don’t fancy radiation
How about recreation
Just do it  and noone will pay

All I do for IPSO Mori

Someone rang me last week saying they were from IPSO Mori
They are doing a survey.They want   me to write down everything I do for either a week or  a month
I wonder what they mean by “everything”
I was offered £40 in vouchers.So if I stop writing you will understand
Who would tell strangers everything they did?
I thought it was  for some TV company re which programmes I watch.I could hardly believe  they expected me to tell  them all I do

7 am Went to the lav
Fell over my feet
Brushed my hair
8 am Scratched  my back and had a cup of tea.That was hard
Had more tea and weetabix.Wondered why I washed up
9 am Decided to get up, wondered what to wear
9.30 Daydreamed
10 am Got up, got washed and got dresses.Order is vital
10.30 Felt like emigrating but instead gave a lecture on algebraic topology
11.30 am Felt like a pee again.Wet myself.
Changed my clothes and washed them
11,40 Breathed and  breathed again until full of air
Didn’t like my outfit
12 noon Looked out of the window and wondered if I need a new TV
12,30 pm Went to library and stole 3 books
1 pm Wondered if I could open the sherry  bottle with a cheese grater
Ate a  raw carrot on toast and got diarrhea
2 pm Had some tinned soup from the tin to save energy
Fried my bread in olive oil
3 pm Wrote s story
4 pm Had a fit of laughter and saw  the black cat
6 pm It went dark and I forgot to put the bin out
7 p,m Ate some frozen curry with a knife
8 pm Ate a chocolate biscuit soaked in wine
9 pm Washed my hair with Fairy Snow
10 pm Washed up again
11 pm Went to Tesco’s again then came home
12 midnight Went  out on my broomstick
1 am Fell into a holly tree
2 am Rang 999
3 am Was locked  in cell  with a policeman
4 am Released on bail pending psychiatric exam
5 am Went to bed with the cat
6 am Dreamed about my Jewish boyfriend
7 am Woke up
8 am Decided  not to do this poll

 

Their lover wants a burglar to alarm

How sad I think of washing the bed sheets
When my partner  holds me in his arms
Instead of kissing me  he   might well shout

Do I get more pleasure as I sleep
Dreaming of a Bendix  and its charms~
How sad I think of washing the bed sheets

Even grown up men are seen to weep
Their lover wants a burglar to alarm
Instead of kissing her , he  might well shriek

Even when it’s raining cats and sleet
Women  hang their washing  in the yard
How sad I think of washing all the  sheets

When we marry we  don’t know these weights
The world sits on  our backs quite unadorned
Instead of kissing  him,she  might well shriek

Now romance  cannot last, and love  lies lame
Buying houses, babies, what to blame?
Women  are still   fraying mind and  sheets
Instead of kissing lovers ,indiscreet

 

Ye olde limerick

I once like to make apple tarts
I was never much good throwing darts
To add some confusion
I had a delusion
That life can be lived as an Art

I like making quiche  while at home
The smell of the pastry is warm
I saw a small ghost
Steal my hot  toast
Then he left, he went over to Rome

My husband would pray in the night
Until dawn came with its gentle light
He liked  my strange fiction
Without contradiction
I wish he were still in my sight

I miss his dear face and his smile
He knew  that I had little guile
How will you manage
He died feeling  anguish
The Devil was let out on bail

Where is paranoia on my sat nav?

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Why have you not got schizophrenia?
Because it wasn’t on the shopping list

Why  the panic?
No, it’s  a punnet 

I want some nutter
Do you mean butter?’
When I say nutter I mean it
Do stop knattering

What is a declension?
All I know is you can’t eat it

What is the plural of  yoga?
Yogae

You broke the Law
Divide and conquer

Where is Latin?
It’s under “Tongues”
Tongues  of Fire?
Sacrilege is bad for you
I’m a demoness
That is not PC
I’ll take the WC instead.
You can’t take it all with you
I’ll  just take the cistern

Do you  think that is funny?
No, but this is

How is this?

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An unusual image by Mike Flemming 2020 Copyright

I have got more and more incontinent.
Do stop admiring Europe

Why do the government tell us to eat more fruit and veg?
To help evacuate the Common Market from our bodies

Why do the government not have enough beds in hospitals?
They can’t all go to sleep at once

Why are the politicians so stupid?
Because we are.

I am still incontinent
Don’t worry, only another week in the EU
I’ll apply for an Irish passport
You’re not Irish
No, but my parents were

I  will  miss  the Spanish omelettes
But you never go there

I  will not  miss Mass on Sundays.
I will  become an atheist  and worship myself for an hour.Much more satisfying.

I wonder how Enlightened we are.
Well, the light is  not the problem.It’s the vision.

I saw the Light once
Say hello from me.

God is love
So is real love God?

Can we go on the Trans Siberian Express
Only if you are Trans
But how do they know?
Wear a T shirt with Trans on the front
That won’t  be very warm in Siberia
We all have to suffer for our beliefs.
It’s not a belief
What, you don’t believe you are trans?
I believe everything.
You’d better be careful.Some people tell lies
Really? I’d never have guessed
You must  be stupid
How rude.
I am very stupid at  relating to people
That’s honest.But don’t tell anyone
But they’ll know after I’ve insulted them again and again
Just smile and keep quiet.
Smile

A million kindle fires

Do you think my house should be rewired?
Should I enlarge my kitchen,go for broke
I have got a hundred kindle fires

I wonder  why I cannot be a liar
I have  got less faith  but still I hope
Do you think my brain should be rewired?

Can I rent a  mind for  thirty  hours?
I ‘d love to go to Chester in a boat
I have got a hundred kindle fires

Am I misusing love and with it power?
Where did Charley hide inside an oak
Do you think my  tongue should be retired?

Many minds have  like the milk gone sour
All they do is send me bytes, not talk
I have got a hundred kindle fires

Why do all  the British fight or mope?
They must have washed their mouths with Fairy Soap
Do you think the world should be rewired?
We   have  got a  billion kindle fires

In the slutch

My mauve silk trousers  fell off in the slutch
I ‘d read the fashion page on Friday night 
Whatever did they mean,  do bring  the pitch?

In heels my entire body seems to lurch
My mother often muttered, what a sight
My mauve silk trousers spluttered in the slutch

A clutch of eggs . a handbag, butter Dutch
My coat was yellow  since  that yolky night
Whatever did they mean, we wring in Church

Slutch is kind of mud that’s damp and rich
In Lancashire, we fall in it when tight
My mauve silk trousers   wasted by the slutch

My hem is down and I’ve no-one to stitch
Am I here for love or to be right?
Whatever did they dream about  our hunch?

I read the fashion page;I saw the light
Turn it off. I don’t feel I am bright
My mauve silk trousers   ruined in the slutch
I had to wear pyjamas in the Church

Oh, good Lord, don’t let me be your prey

I forget that I am old  until I’m out
Walking like a cripple in a drought
People tell me,dial 999
I don’t want to be so well defined 

Getting off the bus, five people call
Wait until he stops or you will fall
Am I looking worse than yesterday?
Oh, good Lord, don’t let me be  your prey

I sit down on a wall, is that a crime?
Have I crossed a boundary or line?
The wooden benches all are gone away
The homeless used to sleep on them, they say

I sang Joan of Arc at the bus stop
In Lancashire they say, y’ alright cock?
Cock and darling,honey and my sweet
My lovely,   you are looking a real treat

I forgot to keep accounts and say my prayers
I guess I’m  fending off some kind of dare
Where’s my handbag, where’s my bloody phone?
It’s acting adolescent as it roams

When I take  naproxen, it won’t work
Opium is dangerous with some luck
I lie in bed and see the sun pour in
Then I know that life will always win

 

It’s wyrd

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I’m a loud speaker
Are you really? I’m a  gramophone needle

Can you speak?
If I couldn’t I wouldn’t be able to answer

Your clothes are very loud
No, your eyes are too sharp

Can you turn up my hem?
That’s a change from looking at your etchings

Where is the button off my shirt?
It can’t speak or phone

Is public speaking easy?
Nothing public is easy.
Even silence.

What is the agenda?
We didn’t do Greek at my school.

Why is weird right? Should it not be wierd?
It used to be wyrd before the Normans
That’s a relief

Where is my hat?
It’s learning tricks.
.
Where is my cashmere jumper?
Inside a lot of moths

Where is the frying pan?
In the fire

Where is the clothes horse?
Naked in a meadow.

Where is my mug?
It’s  been shot
Why do you answer like that?
I’m a robot
I can’t believe it
What will you believe?
I  don’t know…
That toast is Jesus?
How horrible
But do you believe it?
I’m godsnacked
See.

 

 

And died in peace

My husband was a very selfish man
He gave me polish in a brand new tin
That was for the furniture not  for me
Well some may lose yet others might well win

He thought that I was programmed by my genes
To bake him cakes and polish  wood and brass
To cook lamb chops and boil  potatoes new
I said we did not learn that in  the maths class

Then he grew enraged that I was bright
He told me off for playing Chess  with men
He told me off for  reading Wittgenstein
What could I do  but drink   all of his gin?

He complained  I knew the villains in a film
My brain was far to fine to make me dear
Perhaps I was a witch   in angel’s clothes
Drinking tea like  others might drink  beer

After he’d unloaded all his  grief
He thanked me for my  love   and  he died  in peace

The wall

Sitting on the neighbour’s wall
Nobody around to see
Waiting for the minicab to call

Life seems  like a trial not a ball
I wonder why I’m feeling so free
Sitting on the neighbour’s wall

Why is there a mirror in the hall?
Shall we see a demon  drinking tea?
Waiting for the mini cab I called

I wish I were shopping in the Mall
If you think I’m silly,I agree
Sitting on the neighbour’s wallB

What is   meant by promiscuity?
Where is there a  public lavatory?
Sitting on the neighbour’s wall
Waiting for  the Lord to cut the cord.

 

 

 

While there’s life, there’s still a hint of hope

Don’t  be anxious whether you’ll be shot
Take your break in Morecambe with a cat
Do not go to Bethlehem   this year
Someone built a wall and we feel scared

Could Jesus and his parents  have got out?
Babies cannot climb  nor can they shout
Should we go to Rome to see the Pope?
While there’s life, there’s still a hint of hope

Did Jesus really  want to start a Church?
Perhaps he wanted rabbits and a hutch
By now the entire world would be full   up
Would  endearing rabbits  interrupt?

Better to play simple in our prayers
Say them daily,  don’t  get in  arrears

New Blue

 

 

 

I wonder what’s the reason  we call a sad mood blue
My fountain pen is coping but I have not got  the glue
I see your eye is staring and I know it is a clue
Send me to the theatre and I will get the cue

I wanted to get  dressed today but I couldn’t find my shoe
I watched a film of cows on heat, all they say is moo
Would they change their attitude if I was  still with you?
Take me to America. take me to the Zoo   

I have got no appetite.I need someone new
The food is very boring,  it’s made with UHU
You put  it in the microwave and send a text or two
Blimey,I forgot it was a homemade real beef stew

Well,  the moon is shining and Paul Robeson  gleams in glee
I want the stars to play with me, they pray for very few