Category: nonsense

She tried to smother me


I dreamed she tried to smother me one night
I had had suspicions with deep roots
I screamed ad yelled and kicked her, as one might

Then she tortured me with brilliant light
As her minions climbed down from the roof
I dreamed she tried to smother me, alive

She looked so ugly, she gave demons fright
I wished I were a donkey kicking hoof
I screamed and yelled,confused ten megabytes

Her muscles strong, her grip was over tight
I tried to crash her laptop, no re- boot
I dreamed she tried to smother me last night

I wished I were a tiger with cruel bite
Or God whose name to angels was a proof
I screamed and shouted 999, please write

She was more sadistic than astute
She gave me pain, this action her debut
I dreamed she tried to cut me off last night
The two pint flask saved tea, my perfect right

The warp and the weft

I used to teach maths to those willing
They already knew weights and billing
I liked them to solve all my problems
Without making use of odd goblins

My problems were many and varied
By men I was too often harried
I tried to look plain and demented
And rarely was I ever scented

I feared I would bore myself speaking
The same age old problems repeating
So I never prepared for my classes
I made errors, correct, for the masses

I don’t know why we did complex numbers
More severe than the Ferry cross the Humber
We also did groups,rings and fields
Gambled and stuffed jellied eels

So why am I here writing poems
Or collecting gold one pound coins?
I have no idea, my reader
But I have got no faith in our leader

Be wary of viruses merry
Eat raw tomatoes and cherries
Spend all the time you have left
Discerning the warp and the weft

No new disgrace

Trapped in home made offices , we work
Reading from our screens, no space for thought
As we type ,our tender fingers hurt
Not the copperplate that I was taught

No commuting, no more fraught deceit
Harder are affairs, no private door
No more kisses unless they are quite fleet
Just daydreams, which will come to be no more

No walking to the station at sunrise
No hour alone to read or look without
All is known, where is the grand surprise?
Where the room for thoughtlessness or doubt?

Work from home but keep some private space
Do not harm your friends, keep from disgrace



Mary’s virtual name Part 1

While Annie departed in her unsuitable violet velvet trenchcoat for a holiday in Cleethorpes,Mary took a look at her FaceBook page before cleaning the grate
You are a vile ,vicious person,Mary someone unknown from the Church of the Hard Left had written
Well,I suppose eventually we all get stung by wasps, she muttered silently.Another person wrote, you are too stupid to have been to Oxford
Maybe I should have gone to Cambridge, she pondered
Don’t they realise that if they attack me personally it shows they can’t answer my questions?
Why, there is a name for that…ad hominem?
I know , said Annie, giving Mary a traumatic shock as she made no noise entering.
It was too wet in Cleethorpes and there were no donkeys on the beach so I have come home.
Have you any spare food
You can eat with me,.I doubt if they let large people ride on the donkeys,Mary teased her
Well,I’m not as fat as you,Annie cried rudely unable to contain her rage silently
Even so,you may be too large for a donkey to carry you.Mary advised her ruefully
Well, they should get stronger donkeys,Annie said critically
How about an elephant,Mary joked in her cliched way
What are you doing on FB?
I have changed my surname to my Irish grandmother’s name
What is it?
McCracken
I’ve never heard of it.
Actually,it’s Scottish
Why?
She married a Scot,And I hoped those horrible people won’t know it
You could wash up or make the bed instead
I am tired of making beds and getting dressed
Indeed Mary did look odd in a long striped dress from Land’s End and some hobnailed boots
That dress is weird,Annie called.It’s like something from a Museum
Oh, do stop criticising me;I have seen noone so why worry?Who cares
But God can see you
Do you think God is concerned about me wearing an orange and purple dress?
I have no idea, but I don’t like orange unless it’s the sky at sunset
Oh,my.I didn’t know my clothing might make you feel ill.No wonder men don’t ask me out.
Do you want a man?
Well, they give a background to life;they come in handy like electric tin openers
Emile mewed loudly,I don’t like that.You should value men more
OK Emile,I shall try my best.I’ll have to go to the pub to meet some
Can I come too?
I don’t feel a talking tomcat is a suitable accessory for a lady
I won’t say a word, the poor animal replied.Am I now called McCracken too ?
No, it’s only my virtual name,Mary assured him sensitively
I am sure you could have got a better one, given more time,Annie said thoughtlessly
I just didn’t want to think anymore,Mary said with anger in her voice
I can understand that.There is too much thought and not enough feeling
in modern society.
And so feel all of us
I think

As the red sun dies

The glare of yellow street lamps on the snow
The thick green hedge where cats curled up to die
The ice and frost above, the worms below.

The tarmaced road,the sidewalks, seem to glow
No pleasure comes from neon lights so high
Oh, stare of yellow street lamps on the snow

As the red sun dies, our blood won’t flow
Take an aspirin, calm’s a good ally
The ice and frost above, the soul below

Bare my feet and numb are all my toes
My socks are holed.I’m darned if I know why
Oh, glare of yellow street lamps on the snow

My nails are thick like monsters’ fearsome claws
Podiatry is hard to get,I’ve tried
The ice and frost above, the souls sleep slow

The world is puzzled, minds are all awry
There’s nothing in a shop but rot to buy
The glare of yellow street lights on the snow
The ice and frost above, the dead below.


Trying to glimpse another through their veil.

I lingered in ambiguity like a bride
Who fears  disclosing that her face is fake
And while we’re on the subject, I take pride
In mixing water colours  from the lake

Ambiguous  in intentions we don’t know
We send out signals full of world slass news
If this rebounds  an artist might then show
Our vision centres  on our point of view

Seventeen types of clarity are mine
Fifteen from my  mind and two from pride
From this glass I make a view divine
Though Sunday someone said they thought I lied.

Ambiguously enchanted, given bail
We try to glimpse another through their veil

No Summer Dresses

Button Detailed Midi Cardigan Image 1 of 4

Women can’t wear frocks and aprons now
We have to look like men  but well endowed
No man would wear a cardigan so long
Behind his wardrobe it would  soon be flung

Shorts are hot in summer, I shall sigh
Why do women have to have a fly?
If you  need to pee  while in a wood
A skirt  provides some cover  for the flood

I’d like a dress like mother used to wear.
As we walked to Grandad’s, she had flair
She knitted  lacy jumpers for  the heat
Even knitted  wool socks for my  feet

We  look like alien creatures  from elsewhere
I’m going to wear my sundress, I don’t care.

Books to read or are they?


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAGullivers Bubbles
There’s nowt so queer as foes
The  stuffed wives of Henry the Beast 
The Will of the Mass
The Mad Will
Why be a Catholic,  just to lapse?
Jesus was a wafer with no icecream,I  thought as I  bit him  tenderly
Evening  class: build your own Cross [ wood £89 ono]
By a therapist:I used to suffer badly from  loopholes  and other stories
Clean your own blood: what dialysis means to me now
Everyone else is better than me; a neurosis  lived in real time
How to make your TV smart: do not put vinegar on it yet
I see and hear things noone else does.Genius or Liar?
How to  make your own foot bawl
Sir Oliver’s  Rabble
The War of  the Poses
Mary, been and gone

The words I’ve read

I like to go to sleep,I feel so hot
I need an ice cold drink by my old bed
There must be something else,but I forget
Why was Albert Einstein  full of smut?
Relatively speaking, he was shot
A photon waved and particled a dot
When you’re living you’re not really dead
I like to go to bed,I  have no plot
I buy a  book and eat the words I’ve read

Test your own eyes

I nearly died of laughter when he went out for a drive
Simply,purely, only to test his   bleary eyes
He put his toddler in the back, just to be quite sure
He would not be orphaned if his father crashed the car

To make  it even safer he took his good wife too
Even though she felt quite weak after having flu
They went to Barnard Castle, not just round the  block
The river Tees is very fine,  the Castle on a rock

It was all or nothing;was it murder,suicide
Taking all your loved ones on a really dodgey ride?
The Unconscious has impulses of which we do not know
Like sending cripples out to buy their own food in the snow

What can we deduce from this, is he Head of State
Ascending up to heaven,  does he want to  emigrate?

My husband brushed my hair when it was long

I ate an apple with some  quiche lorraine
Tomorrow I shall eat the same again
Boredom or monotony  is bad
I’m sorry but I’m feeling very sad

I like chocolate,I like double cream
I’ll soon get diabetes, intervene
Get the doctor here and I will weep
My feelings like the underground run deep

I threw away the beef  and ate the cheese
Don’t blame me,I  never aim to please
Of course I am a liar but just when?
That’s the koan, soon we will be Zen

We need skin  or we would fall apart
I don’t want to see Dom Cummings’ heart
I   never liked  his manners and his dress
Thank you,Father,now I can confess

Boundaries are also contact zones
Think like this and you will write a poem
Love like mine is precious do not spill
The  precious blood, the Body on the Hill

Stroking other people is so nice
I pretend that I have seen a thousand lice
Then I hope that they will all stroke me
If only it were summer  they might see 

My husband brushed my hair when it was long
Now he’s dead I cut it off with prongs
I want him to come back  but noone can
Like Catholic sex  it’s sinful  so it’s banned

He used to make the dinner every day
Now he’s left me I shall have to pray
Does God expect me to survive on grass
As a meal  after we go to Mass?

I gave him flasks of tea to  drink in bed
I read the Emile stories,Satan fled
When he smiled and nodded then I wept
Why did noone help me pass the test?

I washed his clothes as often as I could
8 pyjamas, hankies ,was it good?
In the end he wore a dressing gown
It has coloured spots on and it’s brown

 

Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive

I said I’d make a cup of tea at 5
Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive
It must have little feet which I can’t see
When I come here the kettle seems to flee

I feel like  ginger biscuits , angel cakes
Alas my mother wanted me to bake
We mad shortbread, almond  drops  so sweet
They made the men go mad and that’s a feat

Eat  roast beef on Sunday  with these sprouts
Add potatoes then be hit by doubt
Scruples make me ill and I shall die
Wondering if I really killed that fly

We’ll end the world by global trade and flights
Use the petrol well, it may ignite
Why not stay at home and write a poem
Sitting in the garden while bats roam

 After reading sonnets I have vowed
To read a special poem a day outloud
Sylvia Plath  made her  late poems for this
Writing well,  her agony, her bliss

So we reach the end of life on earth
Those who find the ruins won’t feel  much mirth
We died because expansion can’t go on
The balloon explodes, the clever science,  the don

 

I wonder why he married you?

 

 

Why do we have roast beef on Sundays?
So mother can clean the oven while we go for a walk in the park?

I say, what thick lips you have!
Is that a compliment or an insult?
Gosh,clever too

For Xmas he gave me lavender wax polish and a new duster
I gave him an insult

For my birthday he gave me  silk scarf.He’s never noticed I don’t  wear scarves, bracelets and dangly earrings.
I wonder why he married you?
So does he.

I got so angry,I said I suggest you marry a man next time.Someone as obnoxious as you.
He said, it’s a sin
Well, think how I feel.

He loved dripping.He bought a new car just to drive around Essex seeing if the butchers sold beef or bacon dripping
Then what?
He died of blocked arteries.They were worse than the North Circular  before the M25
What about the car?
Is that all you can think of when I have lost my husband?
Well, you should have eaten all the dripping yourself
What!Murderess.You wish I’d died first?
It might have stopped a lot of arguments
Shooting every one in Britain would have stopped brexit
Except  for  the gunmen
The EU would not want them.
What’s logic got to do with it?

For love  seeks not to prey

Soft corns,blisters,hard corns and toe nails
Ankle socks and stockings, tights and  boots
Cover up the wounds with dressings white
Put  your feet up, rest  by  doing nought

Skin so thin it frightens me  to think
All I am  finds boundary just here
Yet our heart and soul can  contain  more
Spreading like a shawl on loved ones dear

We cast our love like fishers cast their  rods
Not too sure  of what will take the bait
A   simile  so poor I blush bright pink
For love  seeks not to prey but rather waits

Across the entire world the hate runs wild
 Bleach your brain , don’t poison  with  your smile

They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily

Created with Nokia Smart Cam

  • Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
    My, this bed is much  too hard,he thought.
    He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
    You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see  mice better.
    Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
    How can I get up from here?
    He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
    Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She  found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
    Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
    Then he rolled over and I fell out.

     

    http://youtu.be/pT9CdnfFET8

    That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
    Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
    It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
    I like it  down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
    Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
    Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my  aged husband out of bed.
    How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
    Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
    How do you feel now  Stan,she enquired tying her  red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
    I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was  full of kindness
    They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
    Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
    Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
    Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
    Bigger than what,he responded academically.
    Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able  to lie next to your wife.
    True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
    I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
    Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
    He’s not  a Catholic ,I hope?
    No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted  implausibly.
    That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
    It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
    But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
    They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
    But how do you  know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
    No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.

    .http://youtu.be/8SCorW9r_Is

    Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
    Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
    No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
    I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
    God will not be very happy.
    I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
    He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
    Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
    And so say all of us.
    For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
    A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.

The strange world of Stan

K 
Art by Katherine

While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed  beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“I dunno”
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“No,it’s not”
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.

And so shout all of us

Boris Johnson raised  up from the dead

The Tower of Babel fell down in the night
The people spoke but noone could reply
We  cried out but noone listened then
Nor did we salvage much  from wrecked Big Ben

Boris Johnson raised  up from the dead
His pleasures once , pre- flu,  lay in the bed
He spread his seed about  so it’s no boast
To  bear his child nor feed him Sunday roast

He will lead the country out of sin
His  brilliant way:  to  stop  us logging in
No more one click books  or   toys for sex
No more screws and curtain rails to fix.

Ah now enjoy the peace  of empty space
Yet we  grieve for lack of an embrace

Daniel writes a litter

nature animal wilderness head
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Dear Malcom

I ‘m surrey it iz zoo long  since we had a feel to gather.I whoop that hence the -pan-de- mer-gimmick is  covert ,we can go to the Zoo  and flee the wild  terminals in fractions that is  a rational  protection
I am still preaching  topology and Harry’s bottle for  Beginners with a  hint of  Jeremiah
I don’t   know why I    lather.Even Newton did not under scan infinitesmals and  how  revealing they might be  in  baiter years.
My sister had a  chip replacement lately.I don’t  relieve the  terrain was unwearable
She is merry stoical, I have churned a lot from hair
I  have to phone  pandemonium and  they take  me to B and Q  or some  preliminary stage where I am triaged by a hearse before a doctor examines me
The adrenalin  aches and I crunch my vertabrae.I do Su Doku to concede the  drain I am in but  improving my gestures would be  bitter
I tried the Times Crossword but I flout even Dirac would have diminished it in a day
So now I  am heating my crutch as I am angry
Hope to key you on Zoom soon
With last wishes
Daniel and  his lion  Ariel

Never write a letter full of spite

The consumer age is passing   with the dead
I tried to shop  again but Sainsburys have said
You can’t shop twice a week or twice a day
We will have to learn once more to play

Learn another language,read good books
Help another,  teach them how to cook
Go outside and  breathe the   purer air
Write a poem and then write one with flair

Walk around the street when it is clear
Drink from cans  filled up with   freezing beer
Take a photo of a tree you   like
Never write a letter full of spite

Surely we can gradually adapt
If we survive the madness and the traps

I wish you had a bookcase in your head

I wish I were in Venice in a boat
My lover has just tried to kiss my goat

Why is love so pure a threat to men?
Tender feelings flow, I’m home again

Should I eat a pancake for my tea
I’ll text you  when the boat is out at sea

I want a  man who smells like apple pie
Oh,Lord send  one  here quickly  or I’ll die

I did  once see someone turn the other cheek
But  now he has arthritis so he weeps

I wonder is it legal to keep sheep?
I’d like a small one  near me as I sleep

Some get married, some still  live  in sin
I  want a man  who loves a wheelie bin

I cut the hedge with clippers, next my hair
Difficult as I have little  there

I once taught Econometrics blind
The students passed,  and then I lost my mind

I prefer topology  to food
After that I might say something lewd

Did you ever  laugh when fast asleep?
My husband was so merry so oblique

Sugar in the tea

I’ve got no more rotten eggs
Well, is that not good?
I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians
Why not threw that cat’s litter?
Kittens!
Well, it is a tom cat
He probably has hundreds of children
That reminds me of Boris Johnson
I know he is partly Turkish
What’s that got to do with having children?
I was just passing a remark
His grandad was the son of an immigrant
I say, we should ban them
That’s extreme
What do you suggest?
We’ll only have Muslims and Jews
That is ridiculous
Why?
They also have lots of children
Let’s go back to eggs.
Do you want devilled eggs for your tea?
Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea.
How original!
We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen
Then you hate foxhunters
Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity
Still, not as bad as  the Holocaust and who tried to stop that?
I wasn’t born then 
But you  look like a Valkrie
Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair?
Why  not  a maiden?
I  got married 5 times.
Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences
Three were men and the last two were women
Next you will be  marrying that cat
I hope I don’t have kittens!
Well, better than nothing
I am not sure about that
Never say never, again
What,never?
Miaow

Weekly mail

Dear Dr Jones

Thank you for refering this delightful 98 year old lady to me
I have looked into her mouth and there is indeed a tumour
She denies  any bleeding.
She denies any ulceration
She admits  getting so anxious she ground her teeth  and broke them
She denies suffering any  pain
She refuses to take codeine linctus  and sell it  on the street
My verdict:
Guilty and almost sane
Sentenced to two scans and a follow up.Meanwhile I will keep her under surveillance and tell you where she goes at night.
Yours,Dr Gnostic.
BDS  B CH. MA.PhD BA etc

Bribes accepted weekly

If your aim is good

 

Scilla-greilhuberi-2020Why do people  boil eggs?
They need to keep getting into hot water

Why do others fry eggs?
They want to make sure there is nothing live in there

And furthermore, why poach?
To annoy landowners.

Why are eggs so popular?
They can’t speak.

Eggs are used in baking, why?
They need to be useful

Can one egg be enough?
Yes, if your aim is good.

Can I live on eggs for a few days?
If you are  very small  and light

Can I eat just  a few eggs for all my meals
Not the same ones.

Is  bread a good idea for  egg sandwiches?
It’s essential for any sandwich regardless

Is an egg good for the  old?
The old what?

Can I polish the floor with eggs?
Dropped them again?

How about the chest of drawers
Who was he?

Why do people throw eggs at politicians?
Because they look so underfed, I imagine

But it’s a waste of money!
Views differ but  rotten eggs will do or ones  more than 5 weeks old

Can eggs last longer if coated in vaseline?
Longer than what?

Do hens grieve for their eggs?
I can’t take any more
Anymore what?

 

Another misfake

I  keep making  spelling misfakes
At least you only made two there
Why, if we have fakes we also  have misfakes
I see what  you scream
So a  genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say
But you can’t just invent words.
Why not?
You’ve caught me on the  hop
We do have a bathroom
Is there a WC?
Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house
Why not?
It would ruin the foundations.
That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple
To cut a long story short
Very short.
Meaningless in a very  surreal sense
Well, that is the end of Today  the Lockdown
They had no radios during the Plague
And so say all of us

Emile’s in ecstasiulation

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Oh,Emile got up, he yawned he stretched
It was  cat pandiculation
For cats get stiff and cats get  tense
But they won’t write  no dissertations
Emile called  to Stan and Stan got up
Pet manipulationion
Stan made tea and fed his  cat
Emile’s ecstasisulation
Mary came  and she saw  Stan
Oh,  a manifestation?
Are you real,she , called to him
What impertinentication!|
I like your cheek, her husband shouts
Show me  your appreciation
Where is that, his dear wife said
Does it dwell  under my apron?
Well,Leonard Cohen  has mentioned this 
I’m damned by my own veneration
Oh,Stan get up and  get  some gin
This is  pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a  mere notification
I have got  myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by  you in bed at night
There may be  an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we both thought you had gone
I’ ll drown in my  own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these  men
It’s  torment and it’s  tribulation
The doctor told me you were  dead
Is it  conspirification?
Send  a code to my   android phone
That will  verify  my  restoration

When shaped like a brick

How to be chic and elegant when shaped like a brick
How to be chic when shaped like a cricket.
How to be seductive yet decent.
How to lecture when you are not in the mood
How to dress for the Welsh Onion Ball.
How to look good when feeling itchy
How to find your temper and keep it.
How to unlock your inner Daemon.
How to vote when you don’t feel like making a cross.
How to get a new man in  from 30 minutes to  30 years
How to cook the dinner and be really trying.
How to write with your thumbnails
How to make quiche that men love and eat it all yourself
How to  become calmer than anyone else and then die

Mary and the choclate icecream

Woods embossed
Woods embossed by Katherine

So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary ,asked Annie  her dear neighbour charmingly  attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown
Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery
That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly
It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and  bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription
Why, was it for heroin?  Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a  too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked  ready to star in Death in Venice
No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went  on to Deliveroo  and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a  limited range, of course
Mary’s oval face  flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare
In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and  jumper of pure new wool
And her green trainers and matching tights
But they had no milk so I  continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small
of  food and drink 
In  half an hour they were at the door and  all was well
Then one word came to my mind
What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her  newly washed her  into ringlets so fast it  looked as if she was destroying the roots
Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left?
Yes but Emile fell off the windowsill onto the work surface and crushed them all
Do  you  believe it was an accident? Cats  have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered
Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively
Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could 
So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling  food
I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream.
You never eat it.Annie  told her
But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter
Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag
I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams”
That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake  icecream nor eat it boiled with toast
So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage  or I will eat the icecream
Then tomorrow I will phone  them and say, those eggs you sent were off
I have been sick all night.I want a refund
This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies
Not up till now  but we have to change.Not just ethically but  also
we have to  curse and swear
Your  fecking eggs were off.
But Annie shouted: they will say
We don’t sell fecking eggs but we have pickled eggs
Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary
That icecream  has made you psychotic,Mary.,Annie informed her
Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked softly
Not yet but  Emile might be if you carry on
I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity
And make some for all of us

The pleasure of Confession

Fritillaria-meleagris-2020

 

Pray Father,I jave no sins to confess.What is the most common sin you hear about?

Hurting the feelings of loved ones or strangers by projecting our ill will into them and

then attacking them.

How about adultery?

Is that a proposal?

You naughty  little animal!You know what I mean.Don’t tease me.I am sensitive but I’m ok.I sleep all night and sin all day.Is adultery common?

It is very common and shows poor taste ,so if you want to be less vulgar leave it out.

I am long past adultery now.I am too stiff for sexual athletics.Though with more

acupuncture,one never knows.Besides I am not married any more.

Surely there is something else wrong you  must have done recently? You are only human

To be honest,Father,I believe we are often blind to our faults and we would need to bring

some other people along here to say how we have treated them.And then we’d find out

our sins more easily from them.

Well,there is some truth in that but we only need a random sample of your sins.

One will be a metonym for the rest.

Is that the right word?

Well,if it’s not it’s near enough,my child.

I am older than you;you must know.

I am sorry to say that is not a sin,my dear lady.Try harder.

I suffer from scruples…………… is that bad.?

Very bad.What are they about?

Doubts.

Give them up.Believe  you did your best.

How can I be sure?

Well, we are never sure of anything in this life but we it will kill us to  brood all day

Well, it does sound selfish when you put it like that

Now, drop  that heavy bag of  worries and run about the garden 

I can’t run but I will  have more fun

Now you’ve got it, my child.

Thank you and good night

Who commands these viruses like flu?

 Who commands these viruses  like flu?
Consternation makes our hearts feel blue
Do we have a lifeboat or an Ark?
The situation does feel rather stark

Who  decided we could work while sick?
Our energy depleted , brains feel think
Decisions  so important  need clear minds
Not one both  unravelling and blind

We  travel  round the globe, a virus ride
Our garments are as louche as fratricide
We snap some photos of the Golden Dome
Then jump on a plane and turn to Rome

Why not stay in Britain  or in France?
The piper plays but  only demons dance

Ignite

If Boris Johnson  frequently told lies
This is very common  nowadays
No-one sane would be at all surprised

If  Boris Johnson could not breath ,so died 
Everyone for his soul might now pray
Though Boris Johnson  told some  dreadful lies

Even Peter , Jesus thrice denied
This was human, of such fears we’re prey
No-one sane would be at all surprised

If Boris was with women, he  was wry
But not enough to  stage one in his  play
Oh,Boris Johnson you should not have lied

   Oh Boris  has more children than his bride 
   Now he wants another though he’s grey   
   No-one sane admits they are surprised

I dreamed  of him last night,  he was so gay
To my surprise he charmed me  with love play
If Boris Johnson   lost his head and died
The  people would be frightened and ignite

 

 

 

 

In deep water, luminous as fog

If I should live again, I’d be a frog
For tadpoles ,insubstantial, cause no fright
Yet they change but not into a log

They change their being, leap up from the bog,
As bread is changed by holy, priestly rites,
If I should live again, I’d be a frog

In deep water, luminous as fog,
The frogs live on the edge of human sight
Yes they croak but not till we’re in bed

As lovers lie down naked on their rug
They tempt the frog, the adder, the termite
Then they rage upon the death of God

As the wheel turns, see, it drips with blood
The human race is ground up, we’re a blight
Yes, someone, somewhere, once did something good

Oh dark, oh grey, oh where is the new light?
Seems like the frogs, the Lord leapt out of sight
If I should live again, I’d be your god
I’d save the world by turning us to frogs