If you need to find the perfect man
Find one who’s a good companion
For as we age we are not acrobats
Preferring to dance slowly as we chat
If you can go further, keep it quiet
Or all your lonely neighbours may cause riots
Very few lack a last faint desire
Eying others in the Oldies’ Choir
But when at home we like to read and talk
Take the cat out for his daily walk
Only jealousy revives the beast
So with a married women flirt at least
There is value in all kinds of sin
Whatever life you choose, you’ll always win
Category: nonsense
Keep a cat
The writer told me psychopaths love dogs
Those who murder rarely keep a cat
I wonder if a thief might love a frog!
The author told me psychopaths love dogs
Cookbook writers might go the whole hog;
Sad ghouls enjoy the company of bats
The writer told me psychopaths keep dogs
Those who murder never love a cat
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She tried to smother me
I dreamed she tried to smother me one night
I had had suspicions with deep roots
I screamed ad yelled and kicked her, as one might
Then she tortured me with brilliant light
As her minions climbed down from the roof
I dreamed she tried to smother me, alive
She looked so ugly, she gave demons fright
I wished I were a donkey kicking hoof
I screamed and yelled,confused ten megabytes
Her muscles strong, her grip was over tight
I tried to crash her laptop, no re- boot
I dreamed she tried to smother me last night
I wished I were a tiger with cruel bite
Or God whose name to angels was a proof
I screamed and shouted 999, please write
She was more sadistic than astute
She gave me pain, this action her debut
I dreamed she tried to cut me off last night
The two pint flask saved tea, my perfect right
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The warp and the weft
I used to teach maths to those willing
They already knew weights and billing
I liked them to solve all my problems
Without making use of odd goblins
My problems were many and varied
By men I was too often harried
I tried to look plain and demented
And rarely was I ever scented
I feared I would bore myself speaking
The same age old problems repeating
So I never prepared for my classes
I made errors, correct, for the masses
I don’t know why we did complex numbers
More severe than the Ferry cross the Humber
We also did groups,rings and fields
Gambled and stuffed jellied eels
So why am I here writing poems
Or collecting gold one pound coins?
I have no idea, my reader
But I have got no faith in our leader
Be wary of viruses merry
Eat raw tomatoes and cherries
Spend all the time you have left
Discerning the warp and the weft
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No new disgrace
Trapped in home made offices , we work
Reading from our screens, no space for thought
As we type ,our tender fingers hurt
Not the copperplate that I was taught
No commuting, no more fraught deceit
Harder are affairs, no private door
No more kisses unless they are quite fleet
Just daydreams, which will come to be no more
No walking to the station at sunrise
No hour alone to read or look without
All is known, where is the grand surprise?
Where the room for thoughtlessness or doubt?
Work from home but keep some private space
Do not harm your friends, keep from disgrace
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Mary’s virtual name Part 1
While Annie departed in her unsuitable violet velvet trenchcoat for a holiday in Cleethorpes,Mary took a look at her FaceBook page before cleaning the grate
You are a vile ,vicious person,Mary someone unknown from the Church of the Hard Left had written
Well,I suppose eventually we all get stung by wasps, she muttered silently.Another person wrote, you are too stupid to have been to Oxford
Maybe I should have gone to Cambridge, she pondered
Don’t they realise that if they attack me personally it shows they can’t answer my questions?
Why, there is a name for that…ad hominem?
I know , said Annie, giving Mary a traumatic shock as she made no noise entering.
It was too wet in Cleethorpes and there were no donkeys on the beach so I have come home.
Have you any spare food
You can eat with me,.I doubt if they let large people ride on the donkeys,Mary teased her
Well,I’m not as fat as you,Annie cried rudely unable to contain her rage silently
Even so,you may be too large for a donkey to carry you.Mary advised her ruefully
Well, they should get stronger donkeys,Annie said critically
How about an elephant,Mary joked in her cliched way
What are you doing on FB?
I have changed my surname to my Irish grandmother’s name
What is it?
McCracken
I’ve never heard of it.
Actually,it’s Scottish
Why?
She married a Scot,And I hoped those horrible people won’t know it
You could wash up or make the bed instead
I am tired of making beds and getting dressed
Indeed Mary did look odd in a long striped dress from Land’s End and some hobnailed boots
That dress is weird,Annie called.It’s like something from a Museum
Oh, do stop criticising me;I have seen noone so why worry?Who cares
But God can see you
Do you think God is concerned about me wearing an orange and purple dress?
I have no idea, but I don’t like orange unless it’s the sky at sunset
Oh,my.I didn’t know my clothing might make you feel ill.No wonder men don’t ask me out.
Do you want a man?
Well, they give a background to life;they come in handy like electric tin openers
Emile mewed loudly,I don’t like that.You should value men more
OK Emile,I shall try my best.I’ll have to go to the pub to meet some
Can I come too?
I don’t feel a talking tomcat is a suitable accessory for a lady
I won’t say a word, the poor animal replied.Am I now called McCracken too ?
No, it’s only my virtual name,Mary assured him sensitively
I am sure you could have got a better one, given more time,Annie said thoughtlessly
I just didn’t want to think anymore,Mary said with anger in her voice
I can understand that.There is too much thought and not enough feeling
in modern society.
And so feel all of us
I think
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Trying to glimpse another through their veil.
I lingered in ambiguity like a bride
Who fears disclosing that her face is fake
And while we’re on the subject, I take pride
In mixing water colours from the lake
Ambiguous in intentions we don’t know
We send out signals full of world slass news
If this rebounds an artist might then show
Our vision centres on our point of view
Seventeen types of clarity are mine
Fifteen from my mind and two from pride
From this glass I make a view divine
Though Sunday someone said they thought I lied.
Ambiguously enchanted, given bail
We try to glimpse another through their veil
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No Summer Dresses
Women can’t wear frocks and aprons now
We have to look like men but well endowed
No man would wear a cardigan so long
Behind his wardrobe it would soon be flung
Shorts are hot in summer, I shall sigh
Why do women have to have a fly?
If you need to pee while in a wood
A skirt provides some cover for the flood
I’d like a dress like mother used to wear.
As we walked to Grandad’s, she had flair
She knitted lacy jumpers for the heat
Even knitted wool socks for my feet
We look like alien creatures from elsewhere
I’m going to wear my sundress, I don’t care.
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Books to read or are they?
Gullivers Bubbles
There’s nowt so queer as foes
The stuffed wives of Henry the Beast
The Will of the Mass
The Mad Will
Why be a Catholic, just to lapse?
Jesus was a wafer with no icecream,I thought as I bit him tenderly
Evening class: build your own Cross [ wood £89 ono]
By a therapist:I used to suffer badly from loopholes and other stories
Clean your own blood: what dialysis means to me now
Everyone else is better than me; a neurosis lived in real time
How to make your TV smart: do not put vinegar on it yet
I see and hear things noone else does.Genius or Liar?
How to make your own foot bawl
Sir Oliver’s Rabble
The War of the Poses
Mary, been and gone
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The words I’ve read
I like to go to sleep,I feel so hot
I need an ice cold drink by my old bed
There must be something else,but I forget
Why was Albert Einstein full of smut?
Relatively speaking, he was shot
A photon waved and particled a dot
When you’re living you’re not really dead
I like to go to bed,I have no plot
I buy a book and eat the words I’ve read
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Test your own eyes
I nearly died of laughter when he went out for a drive
Simply,purely, only to test his bleary eyes
He put his toddler in the back, just to be quite sure
He would not be orphaned if his father crashed the car
To make it even safer he took his good wife too
Even though she felt quite weak after having flu
They went to Barnard Castle, not just round the block
The river Tees is very fine, the Castle on a rock
It was all or nothing;was it murder,suicide
Taking all your loved ones on a really dodgey ride?
The Unconscious has impulses of which we do not know
Like sending cripples out to buy their own food in the snow
What can we deduce from this, is he Head of State
Ascending up to heaven, does he want to emigrate?
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My husband brushed my hair when it was long
I ate an apple with some quiche lorraine
Tomorrow I shall eat the same again
Boredom or monotony is bad
I’m sorry but I’m feeling very sad
I like chocolate,I like double cream
I’ll soon get diabetes, intervene
Get the doctor here and I will weep
My feelings like the underground run deep
I threw away the beef and ate the cheese
Don’t blame me,I never aim to please
Of course I am a liar but just when?
That’s the koan, soon we will be Zen
We need skin or we would fall apart
I don’t want to see Dom Cummings’ heart
I never liked his manners and his dress
Thank you,Father,now I can confess
Boundaries are also contact zones
Think like this and you will write a poem
Love like mine is precious do not spill
The precious blood, the Body on the Hill
Stroking other people is so nice
I pretend that I have seen a thousand lice
Then I hope that they will all stroke me
If only it were summer they might see
My husband brushed my hair when it was long
Now he’s dead I cut it off with prongs
I want him to come back but noone can
Like Catholic sex it’s sinful so it’s banned
He used to make the dinner every day
Now he’s left me I shall have to pray
Does God expect me to survive on grass
As a meal after we go to Mass?
I gave him flasks of tea to drink in bed
I read the Emile stories,Satan fled
When he smiled and nodded then I wept
Why did noone help me pass the test?
I washed his clothes as often as I could
8 pyjamas, hankies ,was it good?
In the end he wore a dressing gown
It has coloured spots on and it’s brown
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Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive
I said I’d make a cup of tea at 5
Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive
It must have little feet which I can’t see
When I come here the kettle seems to flee
I feel like ginger biscuits , angel cakes
Alas my mother wanted me to bake
We mad shortbread, almond drops so sweet
They made the men go mad and that’s a feat
Eat roast beef on Sunday with these sprouts
Add potatoes then be hit by doubt
Scruples make me ill and I shall die
Wondering if I really killed that fly
We’ll end the world by global trade and flights
Use the petrol well, it may ignite
Why not stay at home and write a poem
Sitting in the garden while bats roam
After reading sonnets I have vowed
To read a special poem a day outloud
Sylvia Plath made her late poems for this
Writing well, her agony, her bliss
So we reach the end of life on earth
Those who find the ruins won’t feel much mirth
We died because expansion can’t go on
The balloon explodes, the clever science, the don
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I wonder why he married you?
Why do we have roast beef on Sundays?
So mother can clean the oven while we go for a walk in the park?
I say, what thick lips you have!
Is that a compliment or an insult?
Gosh,clever too
For Xmas he gave me lavender wax polish and a new duster
I gave him an insult
For my birthday he gave me silk scarf.He’s never noticed I don’t wear scarves, bracelets and dangly earrings.
I wonder why he married you?
So does he.
I got so angry,I said I suggest you marry a man next time.Someone as obnoxious as you.
He said, it’s a sin
Well, think how I feel.
He loved dripping.He bought a new car just to drive around Essex seeing if the butchers sold beef or bacon dripping
Then what?
He died of blocked arteries.They were worse than the North Circular before the M25
What about the car?
Is that all you can think of when I have lost my husband?
Well, you should have eaten all the dripping yourself
What!Murderess.You wish I’d died first?
It might have stopped a lot of arguments
Shooting every one in Britain would have stopped brexit
Except for the gunmen
The EU would not want them.
What’s logic got to do with it?
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For love seeks not to prey
Soft corns,blisters,hard corns and toe nails
Ankle socks and stockings, tights and boots
Cover up the wounds with dressings white
Put your feet up, rest by doing nought
Skin so thin it frightens me to think
All I am finds boundary just here
Yet our heart and soul can contain more
Spreading like a shawl on loved ones dear
We cast our love like fishers cast their rods
Not too sure of what will take the bait
A simile so poor I blush bright pink
For love seeks not to prey but rather waits
Across the entire world the hate runs wild
Bleach your brain , don’t poison with your smile
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They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily
-
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.
He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my aged husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel now Stan,she enquired tying her red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was full of kindness
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to lie next to your wife.
True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic ,I hope?
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted implausibly.
That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us.
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.
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The strange world of Stan
Art by Katherine
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“I dunno”
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“No,it’s not”
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.
And so shout all of us
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Boris Johnson raised up from the dead
The Tower of Babel fell down in the night
The people spoke but noone could reply
We cried out but noone listened then
Nor did we salvage much from wrecked Big Ben
Boris Johnson raised up from the dead
His pleasures once , pre- flu, lay in the bed
He spread his seed about so it’s no boast
To bear his child nor feed him Sunday roast
He will lead the country out of sin
His brilliant way: to stop us logging in
No more one click books or toys for sex
No more screws and curtain rails to fix.
Ah now enjoy the peace of empty space
Yet we grieve for lack of an embrace
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Daniel writes a litter
Dear Malcom
I ‘m surrey it iz zoo long since we had a feel to gather.I whoop that hence the -pan-de- mer-gimmick is covert ,we can go to the Zoo and flee the wild terminals in fractions that is a rational protection
I am still preaching topology and Harry’s bottle for Beginners with a hint of Jeremiah
I don’t know why I lather.Even Newton did not under scan infinitesmals and how revealing they might be in baiter years.
My sister had a chip replacement lately.I don’t relieve the terrain was unwearable
She is merry stoical, I have churned a lot from hair
I have to phone pandemonium and they take me to B and Q or some preliminary stage where I am triaged by a hearse before a doctor examines me
The adrenalin aches and I crunch my vertabrae.I do Su Doku to concede the drain I am in but improving my gestures would be bitter
I tried the Times Crossword but I flout even Dirac would have diminished it in a day
So now I am heating my crutch as I am angry
Hope to key you on Zoom soon
With last wishes
Daniel and his lion Ariel
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Never write a letter full of spite
The consumer age is passing with the dead
I tried to shop again but Sainsburys have said
You can’t shop twice a week or twice a day
We will have to learn once more to play
Learn another language,read good books
Help another, teach them how to cook
Go outside and breathe the purer air
Write a poem and then write one with flair
Walk around the street when it is clear
Drink from cans filled up with freezing beer
Take a photo of a tree you like
Never write a letter full of spite
Surely we can gradually adapt
If we survive the madness and the traps
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I wish you had a bookcase in your head
I wish I were in Venice in a boat
My lover has just tried to kiss my goat
Why is love so pure a threat to men?
Tender feelings flow, I’m home again
Should I eat a pancake for my tea
I’ll text you when the boat is out at sea
I want a man who smells like apple pie
Oh,Lord send one here quickly or I’ll die
I did once see someone turn the other cheek
But now he has arthritis so he weeps
I wonder is it legal to keep sheep?
I’d like a small one near me as I sleep
Some get married, some still live in sin
I want a man who loves a wheelie bin
I cut the hedge with clippers, next my hair
Difficult as I have little there
I once taught Econometrics blind
The students passed, and then I lost my mind
I prefer topology to food
After that I might say something lewd
Did you ever laugh when fast asleep?
My husband was so merry so oblique
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Sugar in the tea
I’ve got no more rotten eggs
Well, is that not good?
I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians
Why not threw that cat’s litter?
Kittens!
Well, it is a tom cat
He probably has hundreds of children
That reminds me of Boris Johnson
I know he is partly Turkish
What’s that got to do with having children?
I was just passing a remark
His grandad was the son of an immigrant
I say, we should ban them
That’s extreme
What do you suggest?
We’ll only have Muslims and Jews
That is ridiculous
Why?
They also have lots of children
Let’s go back to eggs.
Do you want devilled eggs for your tea?
Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea.
How original!
We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen
Then you hate foxhunters
Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity
Still, not as bad as the Holocaust and who tried to stop that?
I wasn’t born then
But you look like a Valkrie
Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair?
Why not a maiden?
I got married 5 times.
Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences
Three were men and the last two were women
Next you will be marrying that cat
I hope I don’t have kittens!
Well, better than nothing
I am not sure about that
Never say never, again
What,never?
Miaow
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Weekly mail
Dear Dr Jones
Thank you for refering this delightful 98 year old lady to me
I have looked into her mouth and there is indeed a tumour
She denies any bleeding.
She denies any ulceration
She admits getting so anxious she ground her teeth and broke them
She denies suffering any pain
She refuses to take codeine linctus and sell it on the street
My verdict:
Guilty and almost sane
Sentenced to two scans and a follow up.Meanwhile I will keep her under surveillance and tell you where she goes at night.
Yours,Dr Gnostic.
BDS B CH. MA.PhD BA etc
Bribes accepted weekly
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If your aim is good
Why do people boil eggs?
They need to keep getting into hot water
Why do others fry eggs?
They want to make sure there is nothing live in there
And furthermore, why poach?
To annoy landowners.
Why are eggs so popular?
They can’t speak.
Eggs are used in baking, why?
They need to be useful
Can one egg be enough?
Yes, if your aim is good.
Can I live on eggs for a few days?
If you are very small and light
Can I eat just a few eggs for all my meals
Not the same ones.
Is bread a good idea for egg sandwiches?
It’s essential for any sandwich regardless
Is an egg good for the old?
The old what?
Can I polish the floor with eggs?
Dropped them again?
How about the chest of drawers
Who was he?
Why do people throw eggs at politicians?
Because they look so underfed, I imagine
But it’s a waste of money!
Views differ but rotten eggs will do or ones more than 5 weeks old
Can eggs last longer if coated in vaseline?
Longer than what?
Do hens grieve for their eggs?
I can’t take any more
Anymore what?
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Another misfake
I keep making spelling misfakes
At least you only made two there
Why, if we have fakes we also have misfakes
I see what you scream
So a genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say
But you can’t just invent words.
Why not?
You’ve caught me on the hop
We do have a bathroom
Is there a WC?
Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house
Why not?
It would ruin the foundations.
That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple
To cut a long story short
Very short.
Meaningless in a very surreal sense
Well, that is the end of Today the Lockdown
They had no radios during the Plague
And so say all of us
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Emile’s in ecstasiulation
Oh,Emile got up, he yawned he stretched
It was cat pandiculation
For cats get stiff and cats get tense
But they won’t write no dissertations
Emile called to Stan and Stan got up
Pet manipulationion
Stan made tea and fed his cat
Emile’s ecstasisulation
Mary came and she saw Stan
Oh, a manifestation?
Are you real,she , called to him
What impertinentication!|
I like your cheek, her husband shouts
Show me your appreciation
Where is that, his dear wife said
Does it dwell under my apron?
Well,Leonard Cohen has mentioned this
I’m damned by my own veneration
Oh,Stan get up and get some gin
This is pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a mere notification
I have got myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by you in bed at night
There may be an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we both thought you had gone
I’ ll drown in my own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these men
It’s torment and it’s tribulation
The doctor told me you were dead
Is it conspirification?
Send a code to my android phone
That will verify my restoration
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When shaped like a brick
How to be chic and elegant when shaped like a brick
How to be chic when shaped like a cricket.
How to be seductive yet decent.
How to lecture when you are not in the mood
How to dress for the Welsh Onion Ball.
How to look good when feeling itchy
How to find your temper and keep it.
How to unlock your inner Daemon.
How to vote when you don’t feel like making a cross.
How to get a new man in from 30 minutes to 30 years
How to cook the dinner and be really trying.
How to write with your thumbnails
How to make quiche that men love and eat it all yourself
How to become calmer than anyone else and then die
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Mary and the choclate icecream
So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary ,asked Annie her dear neighbour charmingly attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown
Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery
That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly
It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription
Why, was it for heroin? Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked ready to star in Death in Venice
No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went on to Deliveroo and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a limited range, of course
Mary’s oval face flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare
In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and jumper of pure new wool
And her green trainers and matching tights
But they had no milk so I continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small
of food and drink
In half an hour they were at the door and all was well
Then one word came to my mind
What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her newly washed her into ringlets so fast it looked as if she was destroying the roots
Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left?
Yes but Emile fell off the windowsill onto the work surface and crushed them all
Do you believe it was an accident? Cats have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered
Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively
Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could
So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling food
I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream.
You never eat it.Annie told her
But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter
Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag
I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams”
That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake icecream nor eat it boiled with toast
So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage or I will eat the icecream
Then tomorrow I will phone them and say, those eggs you sent were off
I have been sick all night.I want a refund
This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies
Not up till now but we have to change.Not just ethically but also
we have to curse and swear
Your fecking eggs were off.
But Annie shouted: they will say
We don’t sell fecking eggs but we have pickled eggs
Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary
That icecream has made you psychotic,Mary.,Annie informed her
Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked softly
Not yet but Emile might be if you carry on
I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity
And make some for all of us
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The pleasure of Confession
Pray Father,I jave no sins to confess.What is the most common sin you hear about?
Hurting the feelings of loved ones or strangers by projecting our ill will into them and
then attacking them.
How about adultery?
Is that a proposal?
You naughty little animal!You know what I mean.Don’t tease me.I am sensitive but I’m ok.I sleep all night and sin all day.Is adultery common?
It is very common and shows poor taste ,so if you want to be less vulgar leave it out.
I am long past adultery now.I am too stiff for sexual athletics.Though with more
acupuncture,one never knows.Besides I am not married any more.
Surely there is something else wrong you must have done recently? You are only human
To be honest,Father,I believe we are often blind to our faults and we would need to bring
some other people along here to say how we have treated them.And then we’d find out
our sins more easily from them.
Well,there is some truth in that but we only need a random sample of your sins.
One will be a metonym for the rest.
Is that the right word?
Well,if it’s not it’s near enough,my child.
I am older than you;you must know.
I am sorry to say that is not a sin,my dear lady.Try harder.
I suffer from scruples…………… is that bad.?
Very bad.What are they about?
Doubts.
Give them up.Believe you did your best.
How can I be sure?
Well, we are never sure of anything in this life but we it will kill us to brood all day
Well, it does sound selfish when you put it like that
Now, drop that heavy bag of worries and run about the garden
I can’t run but I will have more fun
Now you’ve got it, my child.
Thank you and good night
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Who commands these viruses like flu?
Who commands these viruses like flu?
Consternation makes our hearts feel blue
Do we have a lifeboat or an Ark?
The situation does feel rather stark
Who decided we could work while sick?
Our energy depleted , brains feel think
Decisions so important need clear minds
Not one both unravelling and blind
We travel round the globe, a virus ride
Our garments are as louche as fratricide
We snap some photos of the Golden Dome
Then jump on a plane and turn to Rome
Why not stay in Britain or in France?
The piper plays but only demons dance
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Ignite
If Boris Johnson frequently told lies
This is very common nowadays
No-one sane would be at all surprised
If Boris Johnson could not breath ,so died
Everyone for his soul might now pray
Though Boris Johnson told some dreadful lies
Even Peter , Jesus thrice denied
This was human, of such fears we’re prey
No-one sane would be at all surprised
If Boris was with women, he was wry
But not enough to stage one in his play
Oh,Boris Johnson you should not have lied
Oh Boris has more children than his bride
Now he wants another though he’s grey
No-one sane admits they are surprised
I dreamed of him last night, he was so gay
To my surprise he charmed me with love play
If Boris Johnson lost his head and died
The people would be frightened and ignite
How my heart sings 