Underground

On a whim I went to Downing Street
They charged me fifty pounds for both my feet
Then no-one anwered when I rang the bell
I looked in through a hole, the penny fell

I claim I saw the tide was coming in
Riding high with whales, oh they were thin
What next , a golden galaxy implodes
Stars shoot out like sparks from other worlds

Jonah rode a whale to London Town
Still in shock, he did not hear a sound
All tongues will dry until we see the flames
The burning bush, the prophecy, the Name

For Sophocles I spent a million pounds
My credit card’s still bouncing underground

The world’s hollow like a shell

I’m in deep now,never been this deep before
The world’s hollow like a shell and I’m out its door.
In so deep, the ocean has its own startled floor.
I’m down,down.down.never been so dark , so )

I can’t rightly tell how I got where I am
I think I had an accident,fell over, then I swam.
Sometimes it’s a loss, be times it’s my man.
I guess I only do it cos I know some folk can.

I don’t know if the joy is worth the pain
Would I choose to relive if, I was born again?
The deep joy is the amazing gain.
But the sorrow is damn sad, let’s admit it plain.

I’m in deep and it’s over my head
What was I thinking of,when I fell out of that bed?
I look up and the sea’s so turquoise like that mist is red
When we get good and mad and wish some loon was dead.

At first, it was all just black,black pain
But from the bottom of the well, I looked up with awed love again.
That’s when I recalled,feelings are deep and sane
Joy is much greater when we’re in the deep,deep zone.

I dunno if I’m ever comin’ out.
We can’t control it,ain’t that what life’s all about?
I’ll never love with innocence again,nor not feel doubt.
But I’m no teapot and the devil ain’t got my spout.

I’m swimming and the ocean’s so mysteriously bright
Down here we don’t have no day nor no night
Fish nudge me with big grins and teeth white
Sea flowers fondle me and whisper,turn off that light

I have lost the internet while out shopping.Where will it be now?

trinity-long-exposure-cropped

Please tell me how to download a new microphone onto my laptop.
Can you download me a little light to clip to my laptop as well?
I have changed my Kindle Fire to Hebrew.How can I change it back to Japanese?
Can I buy the internet in PC world?
Can I buy the world wide web?Do you sell cases?
Can Argos sell chrome spooks ?
I have lost the internet while out shopping.Where will it be?
I put DW40 onto the USB cord to ease it into the port.Was that ok?
I nailed my i pad to the table as it kept moving; now it won’t work.

My wife has accidentally posted her inbox onto Blogger. Does it matter? We do all our banking online anyway.

I accidentally posted my Yahoo Sent Mail box onto a poetry website and it has won a prize for post-modern poetic discourse.

Can I catch a virus from the computer?Can it catch mine?
Shall I clean the keyboard with Jif ?

Can Sainsburys see me when I place an order on my Mac; I am wearing silk lingerie my boyfriend pinched from Harrod’s?Will they report me?

Can anybody start a blog?How do you stop it once it rolls away?
Why is it dangerous for me to use my photo as an avatar when it’s on the back of my novels and I’ve been interviewed on TV?

Is it the back-lighting from the computer or are computers intrinsically more sexual than real life?

How do I download a new letter A as mine broke when the dog scratched my keyboard and bit my foot.

Can God see what I write on my blog?

Do Catholics confess online now or is it better to throw a list of sins into the sea in a bottle instead?

Amazon told me I have saved £890 by using Prime for deliveries.How much have I actually spent? Roughly?.

Can the neighbours telI if I watch 67 shades of blue.[the love life of Picasso.]

Is Mossad watching me thought my webcam and if so,can you tell them I am very shy? What is it Mossad? Can it kill?

Why don’t Arabs use our alphabet?We use their al-gebra to make nuclear bombs

Like sex and drugs and eating from my shoe

We spent 10 years a -wandering Southport Beach
You may wonder how but I don’t teach

I went to Sinai just to have a look
Now it is in Egypt . bless my boots/

The Bedouin people have not found a home
In the deserts of my heart, they roam

I washed my dishes in some water cold
They are greasy but I’m going blind

Would you vote for leaving Asia next?
Brexit has put patience to the test

Are we in New Zealand’s trading zone?
We could cut the cord and be reborn

I read the Times and leave a comment too
To be quite clear I asked them , is I you?

The Bread that is so sacred feeds the poor
Jesus never wished to be adored.

I saw a beggar lying on the ground
I gave him my down coat, is that unsound?

I thought I’d go out on the River Thames
But then I went to Kew to make amends

Did God wish to convert the Jews by force?
I hope he will be filled with bald remorse

The Inquisition, torture and then death
Jesus would be shattered by this mess

Don’t we pay the Hebrews for their Scrolls?
They told the stories , made the Bible whole.

All of Europe forced to go to Mass
Those unwilling, burn them up like grass

I hated sermons for men gave no clue
How to do in practice what they knew

I made some salad green and ate it all
The slugs and snails are looking up appalled

English grammar is no use to me
I want to go to Norway and catch flu

I made a rule :it is a sin to pee
Like sex and drugs and eating from my shoe

Why not work out what we’re made to do?
Making babies may be the real clue

Getting mystic, lying on the lawn
Is that a cat that bit me on the arm?

I fear my cat has grown her claws yards long
If she liked my boyfriend, she’d grow fangs

When in Israel do not speak in code
They invented it to please the Lord

I wonder was the first word ever God?
Cr*p or Sh*t or F*ck or Praise [the Lord]

Do you long fo marmalade in bed?
The duvet’s bitter orange matching bread

The cats are in the basket on the wall
They ate up violets ,I call that absurd

My husband phones me when I am asleep
I can’t pick it up so it is cheap

Wandering in the Estuary of the Ribble
Stand on Sinking Sand and play the fiddle

If Britain travels like the great Titanic
Boris Johnson will sell us our own Panic

If you see a Polar bear at night
Take a photo followed by swift flight

I’d like to phone my husband but he ‘s gone
Get BT to lay a line for one.

I don’t believe in mourning over-long
I’ll soon be dead myself and feeling prongs

Grief is free for all of us on Earth
It hurts like Hell and makes the World seem cursed

Good night my little cat and my tame snails
I’m off soon to New Zealand with my tales

I hear you brawling now at home

photo0333_001

I fear you calling me back home
I hear you brawling now at home
I hear you calling from the foam
I feel blue crawling drunk at home
I hear you polished all the chrome
Oh,dear,he’s been struck by googled stones.
King Lear might fall for our new home.
I hear you call Macbeth in’t gloam.
My gear’s not suited to their home.
I leered at all the men in Rome
I sneered at all his orphaned gnomes
A spear would feel unlike my phone

I spurned my mother’s cheek.

Cercidiphyllum-japonicum_2020

I spurned the other cheek.
Adjourned but never leaked
I spurned the other’s sheep
I turned the others weak
I learned the maths last week
I burned like fire to meet
I earned his ire while bleak
I turned the gyre ,oh beak
The falcon cannot speak
My thinking is oblique
I’m spanking fit and neat
My husband’s hands were sweet
I churned, my backside creaked.
Yeats wrote twice a week
Keats’ letters weep.
Was Mozart ‘s mother Greek?
Hebrew is our meat
Did angels look so chic?
God must be unique.

Mary burst out laughing. You are a weird person, the doctor said

First posted on July 29, 2019

Mary went to the hospital to see the rheumatologist.The entire hospital had been re-built and half the site was full of so called “Executive Homes”
She and Annie took a cab as it was raining hard.Although Mary was wearing her new green raincoat, she did not like to get it wet.
Where did you buy your mac,Annie enquired jauntily?
Cotton Traders,Mary admitted nervously.It looked lighter than it is and Stan liked me in green
You already have two trenchoats and a nylon mac,Annie told her.}
And Stan is no longer here
What’s it to you?Do you want me to give all my money to the poor?
Well, some of it,Annie responded anxiously.You need to pay your utilities.

My utilities!That sounds like something sexual that cannot be openly named,Mary cried
You are confusing it with urethra, Annie laughed
What is my ethra? whispered Mary
No, the urethra is a little tube for the bladder to empty itself through
Isn’t the human body amazing? Mary acknowledged using a cliche for better effect
Definitely, said Annie and I love wearing beautiful clothes like velvet
Where do we draw the line though, between looking good and giving money to the poor, tortured or victimised,Mary pondered

It is hard now because we can see what the rich have and we want it.Annie shouted calmly
Or in your case you can see all those philosophy books on Amazon and buy them with one click she continued.
Mary could see in her mind’s eye her living room piled high with books but if she were rich like Michael Frayn she could have a huge house full of shelves and desks.
Adam Phillips,’ room looked more full than Mary’s and he must want it like that

In the waiting room Mary looked at Wittgenstein’s biography by Ray Monk on her kindle while Annie read The Sun.Soon Mary was called in
Hello, said Doctor Morse.How are you?
In the pink , she cried shyly.I don’t understand that, he said in his kindly way
It’s an old English saying.It means I feel fine, but I don’t really that’s why I am here
He looked at her left hand. and said there was no cartilege between the the thumb and wrist.
Where has it gone,Mary asked but he remained silent
Then he said,I think steroid injections will help.Would you turn your chair round by 180 degrees so you can put your arm on my desk?
Mary turned round and felt a bit dizzy
It’s hard getting older isn’t it, the doctor said in a tone rather artificially kind like a bad actor on stage and afraid of forgetting his lines or whether he was in King Lear or a Comedy
Mary burst out laughing to her surprise.
You are a weird person, the told her thoughtfully with his glowing eyes shining like the sun over Lake Windermere in October.
Well, we can’t all be exactly the same ,she told him logically
Then she had to turn her chair round again. despite her poor hands
Why don’t you have swivelling chairs ,she asked pointedly
They won’t give me enough money, they doctor said even though I a Consultant and I have published lots of papers
Can’t you buy a second handchair? Mary wondered
No, it has to pass Health and Safety,Dr Morse whispered cautiously
I see.Well don’t blame it all on the EU.
I love the EU, he told her.I hope Brexit fails
Me too she croaked sweetly
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes until his next patient arrived
I will see you in September, he told her optimistically his smile making her giggle inside so her body shivered with repressed laughter not fear

Miaow, cried Emile from Mary’s designer handbag
What in Gd’s name is that, the doctor asked nervously

Don’t worry doctor.I forgot to leave Emile in the Waiting Room
Emile stuck out his head and smiled at Dr Morse
Good morning, he said graciously.Is Dave the paramedic here?
No, they are not here they have their own Ambulance Station down the road
Emile began to sob as he liked to get his own way by any means he could
Mary apologised as she shook hands with the doctor.
Thank you for helping me, she murmured.I feel better already
And so say all of us

The mystery of me

tresco_2019-2 I find it hard to go to sleep unless I have a big box of tissues by my side even when I don’t have a cold.

I hum or even sing as I walk about.I don’t know I am doing except once I sang Joan of Arc at the bus stop as it is 7 minutes long and the bus was due in 7 minutes

I must have 5 cups of hot tea in the morning.All in half an hour.

I only got a computer ten years ago because I was convinced I’d be unable to use it. and my husband was not technically minded.Yet I am a mathematician by proofession.{ A Freudian slip, but interesting}

I feel incompetent at life outside maths, poetry ,cooking, knitting and having a conversation.And praying for the world, boiling hankies and making tea

Since I got a heart problem I spend money more freely.I even give it to Charity like
Medicin sans Frontiers and Freedom from Torture.

I sometimes think I ought to open the window and throw £20 or £30 out then stay at home resting

I don’t like chess

I like ordinary people better than people who feel they are superior because they got a fourth at Oxford or even a first,anywhere.
Yet I also worry about the work people have to do for low pay because I did it and I knew I would have a breakdown if I kept on so I worekd in an old people’s home instead
I think I did have a breakdown into reality

I hate having arguments

I like to apologise when I realise I’ve been rude.I love it.I am a genius at it.I could do a Ph.D on it.But I don’t so it much because I am rarely rude

I have a bedside clock which has to be soft blue.I feel happy with blue.I love it.I
It soothes me

I am bad at measuring things so when I got a new teapot I find it only holds 2 cups.
Once I nearly bought on line an ironing board which was actually for a doll’s house!
I wonder if steaming is better? I like to learn new skills.
It’s not housework it’s an experiment! I steamed my knickers.That will keep bugs off

Now, where are those fifty boxes of tissues I just bought at Morrisons?

Oh,steam iron I worship you

Oh,steam iron how I love your heat
And how you make my clothes so neat.
A flat iron is no use to me
No open fire is here,you see
And though I liked the flickering coals
I feared those faces that looked droll.
They were in the flames and peered
At anyone who ventured near.
I wonder how the people past
Kept their trousers neat and pressed
Now I’ve bought a hand steamer
To keep the germs off my femurs
I didn’t like to say,my crotch,
In case the devil is on watch.
I never ever used to think
My body perfume was distinct.
And yet it may appeal to men
I don’t want to try again.
One dear husband is enough
Though he did enjoy a cough
He had asthma and bad eyes
Looking out with wild surmise.
He saw my golden hair float by
As by his window it did fly
All at once he fell for me
And we sat by an apple tree.
His clothes were wrinkled so I thought
I would iron them for a start.
He could darn and polish floors
Cook lamb chops and apple cores
So my steam iron sees much use
I wonder if it’s self abuse
For as a woman feminist
I’m not meant to iron vests
I’m not meant to boil men’s socks
Nor their pants of interlock
I’m not meant to make them tea
What a naughty person,me!
I must confess these strangling sins
Then I’ll polish my old bin.
Satan wants me down in hell
Don’t say he needs my iron as well
As he was an angel proud
I’ll save him into One Drive Cloud

Mary Adair 2 and the reading glasses

Instead of going to the pub to meet men,Mary went on FB and changed her name
Unfortunatly her name was also changed on the Page where she was insulted and every where she had been.
I have learned something useful, she said to Dave who had come because Emile had rung 999
Better if you had not visited their page,he told her sensibly, then Emile would be happy
Yes, she said,each side is as bad as the other,You must either totally agree or be called a vicious Monster.There is no space for debate so why even try?
Just then the phone rang
Hello, it’s Noreen ,she heard
Mary, I am so happy you have changed your name
Are you,Mary asked in suprise
Yes,my grandparents were Scottish and none of the relatives are left,
so as you are partly Scottish too it’s lovely you chose to emphasis that
Well, stone the crows,Mary thought.How unpredictable life is.And how one unexpected event led to a good talk with Noreen
Well, since Stan is not here,I’d better do some housework. she told Dave
On the other hand if Annie and you,Dave, accept my untidiness, why should i worry?
After all it’s wonderful finding books I had forgotten I had.Not to mention 30 pairs of tights and my reading glasses
Emile looked at her turquoise glasses
Can I have some reading glasses Mother?
Why? demanded Mary angrily
Then they will read stories to me as they can already read
Mary wondered how to explain to a cat that the lenses of humans’ eyes become less flexible with age like their minds, perhaps
Then she thought of Donald Trump who needs King Canute
to explain that no human is omnipotent and that viruses are unable to distinguish between him and another old person even Joe Biden
Why the family of the first virus might have relatives near Joe.
But how do viruses communicate?They have no voices,eyes or hands
Might it be they live in another reality? Do they have minds withour having brains?
Or brains without minds
Dave ran out of the house wondering how to help Mary
And so would all of us!

Mary is worrried:tales from the UK

On Saturday afternoon after luncb ,or midday dinner as we said up north before winning places in posh universities which stole our native language, Mary began to feel very nervous, as she was going to the hospital with Stan on Monday for his next appointment with Dr.Range Rover.
Mary was puzzled.She felt almost happy last week about seeing this kind hearted and gracious well dressed female doctor.However she had been shunted sideways onto a male doctor who was almost totally silent.. so much so that he seemed to absorb Mary’s questions into his sponge of a brain without feeling the need to respond.
Why do I feel so apprehensive this week? Mary asked her dear black cat Emile.
After all.I was happy to see her or to even have a biopsy last weekend.Why have I changed in my feelings so much in a week?
Does it matter? purred Emile.
Maybe your mood is affected by something else.. like fatigue or housework or the ravages of age… [he was well read]
We don’t always know why we feel a certain way but I feel it’s good if we are willing to accept these negative moods.Even I have my moods when the fish you get me is not the right sort and you don’t give me my cat’s handkerchief neatly ironed.
You are so wise,Emile,especially as,being a cat,you never have to endure these interviews with consultants in horrible outpatients clinics.So you must have a wonderful empathy for humans
This lady doctor tomorrow is exciting me,cried Emile loudly.May I come with you inside your Grace Kelly handbag.
What’s wrong with my shopping bag? Good grammar,by the way..
Well,she wil be surprised if you take a heavy shopping bag even if it has a Mondrian design on it… she may get suspicious.. even paranoid.If I am in your handbag she will not realise.
Not unless you miaow,mused Mary benignly as she smiled down at him her singular eyes gleaming like the headlamps on a Roller.
I like to know the reason for things,she continued somewhat frantically.I think therefore I might be eventually.I am not yet,for sure.
Does everything have a reason,shouted Stan querulously from the hall…
Well ,it does,but it might be beyond human understanding like the Burning Bush..
We can only perceive what our language permits unless we are poets,mystics or artists and even then it’s tough to venture into the unknown,unthought or unknowable..
languages develop in societies and learning your language embeds you in many cultural assumptions without you realising it.You think it’s reality when it is just one perspective.
How true,screeched Annie their neighbour from outside the open patio door.

She stopped there in her teal velour tracksuit with pink bra peeping and with unusually orange lipstick and toning turquoise eyeshadow and on her feet were striped trainers with red lights on which might give men the wrong idea about this pure and rich lady
You seem to be overthinking,she said to Mary.Are you sickening with the heat?It’s like loving too much, which may be co-dependency.
That’s a very silly pc word,said Stan rudely.We are all dependent but men can hide it until their wives run away with the milkman and they get a shock not knowing how much they’d miss her changing the sheets and buying their underpants and socks.And ironing their hankies
Surely that’s not the main reason a man might miss his wife,cried Mary as she carried in the tea tray with a big white insulated teapot.
Well,you can go on the web and find a virtual sex partner or even buy a dummy woman. but it’s tough to find a devoted woman who knows what you need to function.
Why don’t you buy your own underwear and use tissues?,asked Emile
Well,Emile,I put out the rubbish and wash the heavy Le Creuset pot.I see to the car and bikes.I paint the fence and even bake cakes.
Mary washes the clothes and changes the sheets unless she has an idea to write down.She kindly does all the worrying for both of us and I remain calm like a lighthouse.We complement each other ideally.. and we love each other and a few others as well..without giving away our secrets
That’s one waay of describing it,thought Mary without commenting out loud
Anyway,I am still wondering why I feel nervous about Dr Range Rover….
If you accepted the nervusness it might ease,said Annie wisely in her highly pitched voice like a car siren going off at night
Just then the doorbell rang.It was Dave the bisexual transvestite paramedic.
Emile phoned 999 saying Mary was having kittens, he said rapidly.This really must stop;inter species sex is not allowed here like most sexual activity
He was speaking metaphorically or is it metonymically,Stan groaned.
Now you are here go and make us a fresh pot of tea and admire my new tea caddy.I bought it for Mary last week in that new ironmonger’s shop in town.
At your service,sir,Dave said politely,his flowered dress waving in the breeze.
Do you know anything about Dr Range Rover,Dave? Annie murmured
What is her reputation etc
Some people like her, Dave said,Usually men.she’s not so good with women..
Well it’s too late to change thought Mary so I shall have to willingly endure the agony of meeting her again as I cannot leave Stan on his own with her…
why who knows what might happen? She might become his mistress as he likes several nowadays. despite nearly being too thin to live…
God only knows, a little voice said.
Hello,said Mary.I’ve not heard from you lately.
Well,I am still here looking after you
Thank you, Lord,I love you, Mary shouted joyfully to the surprise of Stan and Annie, not to mention the cat Emile who was unlearned in the religion of his owners.
I thought you were an atheist,Annie said with horror.
I am an atheist and I still believe in God.It’s what we call a paradox..Mary cried graciously….
What would Wittgenstein have said?
Whereof one cannot understand,therof one must be patient and tolerant,.
Why does Mary need to understand all her feelings…Stan wondered
When it’s raining she doesn’t spend hours wondering why and similarly if it’s raining in her heart she must take it like parched grass…she thinks too much.
Too much for what? Her sanity perhaps which has at times bei.ng doubtful but that has made her very understanding to those who find life hard.Everyone has value,even mad,nervous half blind, supersensitive, vulnerable,stout arthritic female mathematical geniuses like Mary.She enriches the tapestry of life in a very real sense as someone once said
And so say all of us,she’s a jolly good Fellow of All Proles College,Oxenford..you know how famous it is!Or soon will be.

Daniel writes a litter

nature animal wilderness head — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Dear Malcom

I ‘m surrey it iz zoo long since we had a feel to gather.I whoop that hence the -pan-de- mer-gimmick is covert ,we can go to the Zoo and flee the wild terminals in fractions that is a rational protection
I am still preaching topology and Harry’s bottle for Beginners with a hint of Jeremiah
I don’t know why I lather.Even Newton did not under scan infinitesmals and how revealing they might be in baiter years.
My sister had a chip replacement lately.I don’t relieve the terrain was unwearable
She is merry stoical, I have churned a lot from hair
I have to phone pandemonium and they take me to B and Q or some preliminary stage where I am triaged by a hearse before a doctor examines me
The adrenalin aches and I crunch my vertabrae.I do Su Doku to concede the drain I am in but improving my gestures would be bitter
I tried the Times Crossword but I flout even Dirac would have diminished it in a day
So now I am heating my crutch as I am angry
Hope to key you on Zoom soon
With last wishes
Daniel and his lion Ariel

Who commands these viruses like flu?

Who commands these viruses like flu?
Consternation makes our hearts feel blue
Do we have a lifeboat or an Ark?
The situation does feel rather stark

Who decided we could work while sick?
Our energy depleted , brains feel think
Decisions so important need clear minds
Not one both unravelling and blind

We travel round the globe, a virus ride
Our garments are as louche as fratricide
We snap some photos of the Golden Dome
Then jump on a plane and turn to Rome

Why not stay in Britain or in France?
The piper plays but only demons dance

Mary Adair 2 and the reading glasses

Mary meets her neighbours

img_20191128_114104

Sitting on the high backed,v Ercol sofa in the large sitting room of her new neighbours Tom an n jn n n nnnd Edina, Mary sipped at the PG Tips tea she had been given in a pseudo-art deco mug.The tea tasted pseudo as well!

Would you like some delicious cake,Mary? Edina asked her rather loudly
Mary jumped.
Oh excuse me, my nerves are all on edge, she cried.I’d love some home made cake
Edina took out a penknife and cut a slice of the large cake.Alas it was coffee flavoured and Mary was not fond of that.This was agony to her especially coffee flavoured butter cream filling as she liked all the other flavours..Suffering from this is a new psychiatric disorder called uncakeophilia disorder
Why are you using a penknife in here ,Tom asked his wife angrily.We have lots of kitchen knives and other silver ones
I found it on the floor,Edina said pensively
I don’t suppose you washed it, Tom answered wildly
Mary leaned back and shut her eyes for a moment.I hate noise, she thought.
No, dirt is good for the immune system, Edina murmured
What rubbish, you are so lazy I can’t believe it! her husband told her.
After 39 years you should be used to it,Edina told him sensibly.Who made all these new curtains and vacuumed the roof? she went on languidly
Did you vacuum the roof in your last house,Mary asked her?
We lived in a flat before so I never had to do it.
Well, it’s unnecessary,Mary said , why not learn Esperanto?
Where do people speak that?
I have no idea but it’s a language,Mary cried decisively
But can it really be a language if it’s not the native tongue of any country?,
Well Yiddish is a language yet few people speak it,Tom told them
It would be difficult for the dead to speak,Mary said in a sad voice
It used to be spoken by millions of people in Central and Eastern Europe.
Why didn’t Hitler teach them English,asked Edina?
You think he only hated their language,said Tom in surprise.I’ve never heard that before.
It is bloody ridiculous,Mary said in her soft yet vibrant voice…he didn’t kill them because of their language and they spoke German as well,Maybe even French,Polish and other tongues
Just then they heard a strange choking sound .It was Emile the talking tomcat trying to get out of Mary’s large plastic handbag
Good grief ,Tom shouted.Did we invite this cat? Does he drink tea from cups? Is he real?
Well, yes , I love tea, Emile mewed.And don’t shout at Mary like that!
I am not letting a cat order me about,Tom screamed like a lunatic
But it’s not nice for Mary.She is a highly sensitive person and I love her
Now, they tell us,Edina whispered.She is married to her cat
I didn’t hear you,Tom said,Is she harried ,did you say?
No I said married
But her husband is dead
Well, now she has taken the cat, for better or for worse.Edina said in a humorous yet angry manner.

For richer for poorer… a cat can’t earn a wage
Edina and Tom were shouting at each other not realising what impression they were making
Mary called out,
Why invite me to tea and shout like this?
Did you never shout at Stan?
No,I didn’t need to.He listened to me.
Well, you are very quiet, said Emile, so Stan had no fear you might shout
I might have shouted when I read Fermat’s Last Theorem.Mary admitted furtively
Was Fermat your teacher,Edina asked?
No he died a long while ago
Fancy dying and all you have to leave is a theorem
Well, it stops the family fighting,Mary said wisely
Suddenly the door opened and in flew Annie, the flame haired mistress of the late Stan
Why was I not invited to this tea party ,she asked rudely?Are we in Boston?
Sorry,dear,said Tom.Not many people like to come here because Edina has a bad temper
No I don’t she shouted.You have a bad temper
I get so tired of all these projective misperceptions,Emile said in his intelligent voice
My therapist was not a cat, but I kept projecting on to him and he looked just like a cat to me until he barked one day.He was in fact a dog.I realised
Was that the end of your therapy?
Yes, I stole all the money from Mary’s purse and there was none left.And I learned about projection, that was enough
Good heavens,Mary murmured.I thought Annie had taken the money
What!You thought I was a thief.Annie bawled What next?
Well, you’re more like a sister and I didn’t mind as I know it’s so demeaning to ask for money.
See, said Tom to Edina,I said you should not ask me for money after we make love
Why not, she enquired? I need some new art materials
Can’t you use the housekeeping money?
Well, if you are happy to starve,Edina said sarcastically
Don’t use sarcasm.Only prostitutes take money.,Tom added.I did say you can buy whatever you like in the way of clothes and so on on our credit card
How do you know it’s only whores? Many women do need the money as they may be single mothers trying to feel their family and not getting Universal Benefit on time,Edina told him But other women might demand jewellery, and expensive houses like Wallis Simpson
That’s a fair point,Tom muttered.It’s more complicated than I realised.
Money is a big problem in many marriages,Mary called
But I earned my own and Stan retired early and got a pension so I had no need to
beg him for money
But did he beg you,Edina asked?
No, we just kept in the bathroom under the soap.So it was clean.
I wonder if viruses can spread on money? Tom said
I feel sure it is possible but how would we test that out. his wife asked
Best to wear gloves but when you take them off the viruses might fly all over the place
I didn’t know they could fly, said Emile.Are they invisible?
Well, we don’t really know but people often get bad colds when they go on aeroplanes
Annie turned pale.
Are you ill, Annie? asked Tom
I am having a nervous breakdown.I’ve caught paranoia from a £5 note.
You can’t catch it,Mary said in her kind voice.It’s not a physical illness and they are plastic nowadays so they can be wiped down
Well where does madness come from? It is horrible feeling so anxious.
This is not much fun, said Edina.I thought it would be lovely meeting the neighbours but we go from tarts to paranoia and back.Is this wise?
They all sat looking glum,Then Annie revealed all
I am a Russian agent sent here by Putin.I befriended Mary on Putin’s orders
He must be stupid.Why spy on Knittingham?
Well, you will be surprised.Mary is an expert on differential operators
On bicycle chains, asked Tom?
How ignorant people are.Annie shouted.Did you never see anything odd about calculus and little things appearing and disappearing?
Well, to be frank, no!
I don’t believe we learned calculus said Edina
We learned quadratic quotations
Do you mean equations,Mary asked?
I don’t know what I mean,Edina said nervously
And neither do we, said the others
Calculus is a bit like the Mass.Important things happen but we can’t see them.Everything looks the same but it’s not
Then they heard a siren.In ran Dave, the heroic paramedic in his new pink dress. and coat
Don’t drop the bomb, he told Tom audaciously
I’m not President Trump,Tom informed him gravely
That’s what they all say,Dave said to Annie
Who can we trust
Just Emile,said Mary.And Annie.
Why don’t you trust me said Tom?
I am waiting to see how you behave,she replied
Like a kind of exam?
Yes, it’s called
Trust your neighbour and yourself? How to know the people who might be dangerous
to your life and mental health
There’s not much mental health in Britain now,said Tom.I’m a doctor!
Well, don’t shout at the patients, said Annie
I only shout at home,
That is horrible, surely those you love need kindness?
Tom burst into tears and Emile lent him his hanky
I don’t think we’ll meet any more of the neighbours Edina said
Enough is enough.Kindly go home
Pleased to meet you, said Dave.Do call me when you need coal bringing in or have a heart attack
No way,thought Tom as he drank a bottle of brandy in the bathroom
I feel we made a mistake… we will have to move as soon as we can

And so say all of us

Mary needs a lock on the door

The doorbell rang yet again.Mary crept into the hall and saw through the little window a young man with a van marked Maypole Locksmiths.She opened the door and explained she could not lock her door with a key but only with a twig from the maple tree.In winter it was not sensible
The man who had looked rather glum brightened up
So where did you buy this lock? he asked humorously
I have no idea
Up ran Annie her late husband’s mistress who still lived next door.She was wearing a lime green faux fur coat over a purple track suit.The locksmith’s eyes rotated in fear
My husband made that lock from a teak bread board,just before he eloped, she told them
Well ladies,I have news for you
Mary plucked at the darning on her wool skirt,looking agitated
Doors are wood but locks are metal and have metal keys,he informed them
Goodness me, we are still in the Dark Ages, she cried nervelessly
Yes, the days are short in winter he whispered.My name is Jack by the way
I don’t want any more men,she murmured mutinously
Why, how many have you got? he inquired tenderly with a hint of laughter.
I am not sure but it is not a rational number,Mary declaimed
But what IS a rational number,Annie asked? Three,four,ten, a thousand?
It is zero but I am happy with a ball of wool and Emile, my sweet cat
Miaow,cried Emile
Up the path ran Dave, the transphobic ,asexual paramedic
Emile, are you ok? he muttered in Welsh
Well,I could just eat tin of salmon, Emile muttered, but we have none
That is a tragedy.I’ll get you some for Xmas
We usually have meat,Mary told him, but I don’t mind.I hate roasting turkeys.What have turkeys done to deserve that fate? I’d prefer t adopt some
No, cried Emile.I don’t want any here.
So selfish, said Annie.They are alive just like we are.
I don’t give a fig, the cat boasted
I know a lot of turkeys have died in refrigerated lorries crossing the channel
But it’s horrible here.I don’t see why a turkey would want to live here,Annie replied
They want to see Buckingham Palace,I expect and get given free cars like all our immigrants are given, said Emile.Not to mention free flats in tower blocks covered in asbestos and lead
I’ll have to change your name to Oswald,Mary said
That is insulting,I am only saying what all the people are saying.Mosley was a an aristocrat,I believe
I am very sad we taught Emile to read and speak.He is getting his news from Facebook, the Mail on Mondays and gossip.
Yes,Stan was a fool.He should have left him like a wild animal.Do you know he watched Stan and me in bed through a mirror
Well,I hope he didn’t watch me,said Mary.I have to put Nerisone oily
cream on my private parts if I have a flare up but to a cat it might look suspiciously like
self pleasure
Well, why not enjoy it since you have to use it?
Very wise,Mary replied.I’ll have to think abut that
The locksmith coughed
Madam shall I put this brass lock on the door and a handle so you can pull the door shut more easily
You are very clever,Mary said thoughtlessly.But don’t do a degree.Many minds have been ruined by studying Rousseau one week , Bertrand Russell the next and Wittgenstein in 10 days.It only makes people seem educated because they now words other people don’t but wisdom and thought have not entered their being
I’ll make us all a nice cup of tea, Annie shouted.That will enter all our beings
I thought you’d never ask, cried Dave
And so did all of us

Perhaps I’ll call the cat Tamara Jane

We fell into a rhythm as we walked
Arm in arm we wandered as we talked
We looked into folks’ windows as dusk came
Tried to guess their furnishings and names

Some had nothing but the ironing stacked
Others had the furniture we lacked
I bought a chest of drawers for three pounds
We had a double bed where our cat lounged

I bought a little table made of oak
Fifty pence at auction, go for broke!
A few old armchairs covered in green cloth
Too severe to be a home for moths

Now I look at pictures on the walls
I see the sun turn mauve as down dusk falls
Images both simple and robust
One a choice the other nature’s lust

I see my sofa like a treasure ship
I lie upon it dreaming humorous quips
I dream of journeys on the little train
That signifies what sleep means to my brain

The rocking chair is empty of the cat
I see one in my garden, not my lap.
I try to tame this immigrant I like
I shall give him food and call him Mike.

Oh,dear that is my brother, will he mind?
I know he loves the birds, and cats do bite
He is not living here in my old road
Otherwise he’ll hear me shouting “Claude”

Perhaps I’ll call the cat Tamara Jane
In case they’re very sensitive to names
For I know not the gender of the beast
They may be quite fluid at the least

Now my husband cannot calm me down
I’d like his verdict on my new nightgown
But all I can remember is that rhythm
I fell into walking out with him

Tarmac. cobbles, flat slabs of grey stone

Did the earth weep when we paved the streets
Tarmac. cobbles, flat slabs of grey stone
Leaving merely holes for trees long roots?

Covering in our cities all that’s deep
Startling ancient graves and bits of bone
Did the earth weep when we paved the streets?

Motorways increased that tarmacked roof
As we drive our ruinous cars alone
Leaving there no holes for trees long roots

In the hidden depths beneath our feet
Live the riches, seeds awaiting growth
Did the earth weep when we paved the streets?

As the trees bloom we see our deceit
We want it all but do not pay nor mourn
Leaving there small holes for trees long roots

Once an orchard, now so sterile, torn
The gardens became car parks bleak, forlorn
Did the earth quake when we paved the streets
Leaving merely holes for trees long roots?

A humorous old poem

‘Twas but a reptile passing by.
It flew across the deep blue sky
Why do reptiles fly so high?
I’ll love you till I die.

“Twas but a cat under the moon.
Did you have a silver spoon?
Why can’t cats all waul in tune?
I’ll love you very soon

‘Twas but a wooden legged man,
Carrying a large brass saucepan.
Can men do what women can?
I’ll love you better than.

Why are adverbs?
What are nouns?
why do circuses have clowns?
I’ll love you lying down.

Where do dreams go in the day?
What game can we adults play?
Can you or can you not say?
I’ll love you,i n my way.

‘Twas but a verse that seemed so free.
It floated over my oak tree.
I have eyes but cannot see.
I’ll love you when I be

Stan wears a nightdress in the heat

Alfred my old cat

The weather in Knittingham was rather hot.Mary was away giving a lecture on Dirac’s thoughts in Oxford and Stan felt lonely.He rang Annie but she was out.
So he said to Emile
I am going to bed early.Have you had enough to eat?
Definitely,cried Emile,who had just licked all the cream off two meringues in the larder.So Stan went upstairs.He took off all his clothes and admired his thin body in the mirror.
Not bad for 97,he muttered.
Now what shall I put on?
He found his pyjamas too hot so on an impulse he opened Mary’s wardrobe and found a cotton nightdress.It was a bit big for him but definitely cooler than his pyjamas.He cleaned his teeth and washed himself before falling into bed with,The Other Ariel a book about Sylvia Plath’s poetry and how Ted Hughes had altered the order of her poems and even removed some from the book .Ariel,which made her name.The doorbell rang.Each time it played a different tune out of the 90 in its repertoire.
He ran downstairs and opened the door.There stood two policemen.
They stared a the handsome old man with elegant hands
Hello.Sir.I hope we have not interrupted you?
No,I am just reading in bed. on my own
Do you always wear a nightgown?
This is the first time,he told them humorously.
I felt very hot so I decided to wear my wife’s gown.
And just where is your wife?
What’s it got to do with you,he enquired unceremoniously.
Just tell us,the older policeman said brusquely
She’s at a conference in Oxford giving a talk.About Dirac or Riemann or another nitwit.
Can we come in? the policeman said.
May we come in,Stan corrected him;not a good idea on the whole,especially in the USA where the police have guns.Luckily all our police have here are rubber gloves in case people ask them to wash up after having a cup of tea.
What is wrong? said Stan.
We have found a naked woman walking in the High Street.She says a man stole her clothes.For various reasons we think it might be you.
But if she was in the High Street she’d be in proper clothes not a nightdress,surely ,Stan murmured.
But you like women’s clothes….. we can see.
No,I don’t, the old man shouted.
I told you I was too hot.And in my own home I can wear anything I like.
Sometimes I wear a prayer shawl
Are you Jewish? they asked.
Only a little, but I inherited it from a great grandfather who married out.
Out of what? the police asked
He married out of his faith.He was longing for a bacon sandwich.
Surely marrying just to eat a bacon sandwich is a bit over the top.
Well,that was his story.Maybe he was tired of obeying the Ten Commandments so he broke most of them.
Which ones?
He committed adultery once when his wife had a nervous breakdown ; he lost his head and went to bed with his neighbour’s wife.
And where was his neighbour?
At the psychiatric unit visiting my great grandmother.Stan admitted uneasily.
Well,at such times we all do odd things,the older policeman advised him.
Thank you for your frankness,Sir.I can see you are not a criminal.
Thank the Lord,said Stan as he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea to save ringing 999
I am lucky not to be in a cell and Mary would have had to come home.She would have been cross, he told Emile.Anyway monks wear habits.
But who had stolen the clothes off the woman in town? A mystery to be studied with Annie when she got home.
At last Stan relaxed and went back to bed with his books
This is the last time I ever wear a nightdress he whispered to Emile who was by his side.
And so hope all of us.

Isolation makes me feel alone

This isolation is not good for me
Unless there is a God,how could it be?

The viruses are not like friends who talk
Yet they can come with you on a walk

Invisible to naked human eyes
Viruses are now akin to spies

Who is watching me as I write this?
I’ve now forgotten who Paul Dirac was

Should I block the camera with white tape?
It might bring me some pleasure,ah, too late

Is it wrong for women to read books
New ideas might make us into freaks

Yesterday was warm but now it snows
I’ve got itchy spots and feel morose

Should I buy merino knickers now?
Should I breed some sheep or just a cow?

Why algebra exists is really queer
If you spot it then you are a seer.

Rings and groups and donuts are germane
Topology has driven me insane

What is small yet makes the gradient clear?
Calculus is like an atmosphere

Did you say Eureka in the bath?
It means you’ve met yourself without the glass

The microphone is faulty I proclaim
Perhaps I’m going deaf, we’re all insane

The phone is complex, perfect and effete
I cannot hear the voices when they speak

I got up in the night and wet my pants
That’s my husband’s ghost, the miscreant!

I had to wash pyjamas every day
4 pairs are enough if you are gay

Round the bend

The Wash, Lincolnshire, England | Images of england, Lincolnshire, England

Oh,Mary is in horrid pain
It’s her sciatica again.
No pills can cure but nettles might
She will roll in them tonight
Emile is aware of this
He gives her a loving kiss

Emile, I’ve told you it’s not done
To kiss your mother though in fun
What would Stan think,were he here
Drinking from a can of beer?
What would Annie think of this?
Go, give her a big wet kiss

Oh,mother I might bite her lip
As my teeth are made to nip
Take my emery board and smooth
Your pointed teeth and any grooves
Can I use Stan’s old toothbrush
No, I threw it in the Wash

Maybe seals will use it there
Send them combs and do not swear
I did not mean to curse again
My back is aching,I’ve no pluck
Mother, dearest, don’t say fuck

Well, that’s Irish, it’s ok
The Catholics wlil offer prayers
I pray too for all my friends
Those bereaved or round the bend
Do you mean those who see ghosts ?
Maybe it’s the heavenly Host

As long as you look clean and neat
Noone will see your hooves or feet
Noone will know you see and hear
Emissaries from other spheres.
Don’t meet eyes nor stare at men
And always write with a good pen

You may be in another realm
Dave can see you’r overwhelmed
He will pat your head this day
For this he gets his kicks and pay
When you feel yourself again
See it you can spot old Stan

Where is Annie,Mary’s friend?
Where the Spirit which descends
Where are our neighbours whom we love?
Singing with the turtle dove
All the Saints will chant along
As Jesus sings his ancient songs

Spirits rise and Love is here
Drinking in the atmosphere

Oh,steam iron I worship you

How to successfully waste even more money

Why not buy yourself a brand new winter coat in your favourite colour even if you already have 10 winter coats

And since the autumn is coming on why don’t we subscribw to our favourite magazines as the weather gets bad and we can’t get out to the newsagents to buy them.

Doesn’t every woman deserve some new new leather boots for the winter even if it never snows where she lives.

Why bother to go shopping stock up your food cupboard or fridge when you can order a takeaway delivered to your door every evening?

Oh maybe one of your friends would like to eat in restaurant with you. You can pay with your credit card.

Why not start the academic year with a new watch so that you get to the lecture room on time and don’t take the students waiting.

If you work in an office that’s a reason to buy a new watch

Your sister will need one too.Buy online and have it delivered. You need to show how much you love her and you can’t see how to do it without spending a lot of money

Because everybody else including your sister will buy one and you can get some with red straps and red faces that will keep winter depression at bay. Though it might bring on panic disorder when you get new credit card bill and then you have to pay a therapist to help you with your depression

Then you might think why am I wasting money on the cheap therapist when I can spend 10 years in 4 times a week Freudian psycho analysis. That will help me to get to the bottom of why do I waste money on things I don’t need and it will also make me bankrupt at the same time

A poet can fly

Try writing nonsense, you will be surprised
I have used a comma, that’s the end;
How hard it is to know a poet can lie.

Unless you have a calling,shut your eyes
Do not break where you can also bend
Try writing nonsense, you be surprised

When I read a villanelle, men cry.
Ask the poet never to 1pretend
For cruel it is to find a poet who lies

Triolets bear sadness to the wise
If your aim is cruel, do not send
In learning nonsense, we’ve been ill advised

Rubbish is not nonsense,realise.
Lewis Carroll’s Alice was no friend
How hard it is to know where poets lie.

Sense and nonsense travel in a blend
So it is that fiction can offend
When writing nonsense, you must be composed
How hard is it to learn a poem transposed?

Try to be bad

There was a young Catholic from Devon

Whose mind was dead set against Heaven

So he tried hard to be bad

Oh, no luck did he have

Now he’s in heaven with Lenin

New rules for UK residents

1.You must eat exactly one meal a day.This will make you lose weight, stop shopping, save money and wreck the economy.Thin people cough less
2.You must make your phone accessible to the Government. We mean Us. DC and BJ
3.If you commit a crime and are jailed, you will get a meal on alternate days.You may lose weight
So you can slip through the bars!
4.You will wash your undies once a week.Yes, the same pair.Save water, we sold it to Spain
5.Please do not get hunger pings or pangs while in the street or at home
6.If you feel too hungry, you may have a boiled eel on toast cursing you
7.You can be too thin; it is not illegal.
8.You can’t be too rich anymore… the tax man cometh
9.Please sweep your street and eat any pizzas you find
10.Your cat can eat as much as she likes.So you may eat her leftovers
Not the whole tin
11.Do you swear to fix the roof, the whole roof and nothing but the roof?
12.Please do not eat refugees before we count them.Data matters
13.If the pandemic spreads we will put you all in cages.Like in the USA
14.No pretending to be a twin.Not even a tub
15.Lose weight,pray and soon you will be in Heaven.

Wanted: Disguised spies in each street in Britain.No questions in Nothern Ireland
Just take photos.
Pay £7.00 per week plus bonus at Xmas [ £2.00]

Your Government UK

A comma makes you British 2

I can’t pass the written English exam for immigrants because I rarely use punctuation marks.They annoy me

But it you were born here it is alright.Is that fair?

There’s many a comma twixt failure and success

If you don’t know, you will just have to guess

You may get it right, you may get it wrong.

Put that new comma right where it belongs

Musings at dawn

The purple mauve of morning fades away

The sky is soft pale blue,the sun is high

My light reflected in the melting dark

Looked like sunshine soft yet strangely stark

Then the light went out and I felt dim.

I cannot see but that is not a sin

I drank more tea and mused upon my life

Good and evil, fighting in the light

Let Love be strong and further love incite

The bare branches

In the sun the branches look quite red

Yet in the . winter rain they looked near dead

Hope can spring up like the holy sap

Bring life again and cross the fearsome gap.

With our courage let us walk ahead

Until the sacred river and our bed

Higher Education

I wanted to buy a light weight jacket.I would like it in Unnatural I told them boldly

We don’t do that colour

Well you do Natural!.Every thesis has an opposite one.So with colours

This is not a University, Mrs Hegel

Why tell me that?

You know toi much logic

I am terribly sorry.I shall try to forget it.Along with Grammar

Spelling Thinking Sanity Argument Maths Literary Criticism Theology Philosophy

Wittgenstein Einstein Hegel

Wow I feel sorry for you.You have so much to forget

That’s a novel way of looking at

Education

And it costs so much too

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