Gullivers Bubbles
There’s nowt so queer as foes
The stuffed wives of Henry the Beast
The Will of the Mass
The Mad Will
Why be a Catholic, just to lapse?
Jesus was a wafer with no icecream,I thought as I bit him tenderly
Evening class: build your own Cross [ wood £89 ono]
By a therapist:I used to suffer badly from loopholes and other stories
Clean your own blood: what dialysis means to me now
Everyone else is better than me; a neurosis lived in real time
How to make your TV smart: do not put vinegar on it yet
I see and hear things noone else does.Genius or Liar?
How to make your own foot bawl
Sir Oliver’s Rabble
The War of the Poses
Mary, been and gone
Category: humor
Please wash beforehand
I made this image from a photo using Artweaver
Please wash before playing cards
I didn’t know playing cards washed but I am happy to obey
Pleae be polite to other customers whether real or imaginary
I think only Godel can solve this one and he went mad
Please call a cab if you are drunk
Even if I am not going anywhere?
Don’t get overexcited about your new husband
I didn’t realise he was new.
To avoid being put in a mental hospital, do manual work every day
and always be polite even to politicians, hallucinations,mathemativians and anyone else hanging around
When you can sit down drinking tea all day and doing nothing
that is Nirvana
Sewing is good especially mending and replacing buttons
First, take off the buttons from your cardigan
Find a needle and some matching thread
I use easy thread needles as I am limited by visions
Once they go,I thread my needle and sew the button back where I took if from
Don’t do it too tight
But, not too loose either
If unhappy,repeat this over and over until bedtime
Knitting is good but wool is expensive
Try buying online but make sure which country you are in first
Get a friend to help you
No friends?
Try being polite and listening to others before you speak to them
Otherwise, go to Church and pray.
But miracles don’t happen every day
Are you too picky?
Are you too excited to realise most people have not heard of quantum cookery
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Stitch the world together
Heal your own neurosis ,let go shame
Why should you be less because you ache?
Stitch yourself together without blame
Have you got the problem with no name?
Have you made a billion weird mistakes?
Love your own neurosis without shame
Be with other people when you can
Listen to them talking, you may shake
Stitch yourself together without blame
We all get wet when wandering in the rain
Dry another person for love’s sake
Live your with neurosis without shame
Do not worry that your soul is stained
Keep the pieces when your own heart breaks
Bring yourselves together without blame
It is not Xmas yet but make a cake
Share good news,accept what is now fate
Own your own neurosis, let go shame
Stitch the world together, that’s our aim
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Meeting someone’s eyes is like a touch
Meeting someone’s eyes is like a touch
As if our self extends outside our skin
With no intention to take hold or clutch
Those who do this , how love must be rich
Rarely will they mortify or sin
Meeting someone’s eyes is a kind touch
If we are afraid, may we find trust
Let us try again, why not begin
With no intention to take hold or clutch?
We are human, do we mind who’s first?
Let our minding weigh less than a pin
Meeting someone’s eyes is like a touch
In the end we mingle with the dust
Have we made good use of any gift
With no intention to take hold or clutch?
With love around, we need not be too swift
Take your own time wandering through the mist
Meeting someone’s eyes is like a touch
Gentle, do caress, don’t grasp nor clutch
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Why not ring 999?
Your kettle won’t boil
You have lost the tea bags
The water is not hot enough for you to take a bath
The TV won’t come on
You need some fish and chips
A button came off your coat
The cat is on your chair
Your phone needs charging
You want some cigarettes
Yout partner is in a bad temper
The sheets need changing
Your jeans are crumpled
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The words I’ve read
I like to go to sleep,I feel so hot
I need an ice cold drink by my old bed
There must be something else,but I forget
Why was Albert Einstein full of smut?
Relatively speaking, he was shot
A photon waved and particled a dot
When you’re living you’re not really dead
I like to go to bed,I have no plot
I buy a book and eat the words I’ve read
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What you can do when it’s pouring rain and you can’t write a poem
1.Read all the comments in your Spam folder
Unfortantely for me, there were 428 but they were all the same and written in Spanish.I can’t see any sense in that
2.Put a comment on the blogs of all your followers over a few days but make them genuine or don’t bother
3.Learn a new poetic form and use it
Different forms evoke different thoughts and ideas
4 Watch a still life drawing class on YouTube
Try it out
5.Find out how much cats cost in your town and fantasise about how you’d enjoy one
6.Cook a complicated meal and phone a neighbour who lives alone promising to leave half in a covered dish on their step if they would like that
7.Write an advice column on your blog.Subject….. what are you good at? What do you know?
8 Invent a new joke
9 Find out why X is the unknown in al-gebra
10.Really feel that the world is not flat
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My husband brushed my hair when it was long
I ate an apple with some quiche lorraine
Tomorrow I shall eat the same again
Boredom or monotony is bad
I’m sorry but I’m feeling very sad
I like chocolate,I like double cream
I’ll soon get diabetes, intervene
Get the doctor here and I will weep
My feelings like the underground run deep
I threw away the beef and ate the cheese
Don’t blame me,I never aim to please
Of course I am a liar but just when?
That’s the koan, soon we will be Zen
We need skin or we would fall apart
I don’t want to see Dom Cummings’ heart
I never liked his manners and his dress
Thank you,Father,now I can confess
Boundaries are also contact zones
Think like this and you will write a poem
Love like mine is precious do not spill
The precious blood, the Body on the Hill
Stroking other people is so nice
I pretend that I have seen a thousand lice
Then I hope that they will all stroke me
If only it were summer they might see
My husband brushed my hair when it was long
Now he’s dead I cut it off with prongs
I want him to come back but noone can
Like Catholic sex it’s sinful so it’s banned
He used to make the dinner every day
Now he’s left me I shall have to pray
Does God expect me to survive on grass
As a meal after we go to Mass?
I gave him flasks of tea to drink in bed
I read the Emile stories,Satan fled
When he smiled and nodded then I wept
Why did noone help me pass the test?
I washed his clothes as often as I could
8 pyjamas, hankies ,was it good?
In the end he wore a dressing gown
It has coloured spots on and it’s brown
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Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive
I said I’d make a cup of tea at 5
Now I’ve lost the kettle,it’s alive
It must have little feet which I can’t see
When I come here the kettle seems to flee
I feel like ginger biscuits , angel cakes
Alas my mother wanted me to bake
We mad shortbread, almond drops so sweet
They made the men go mad and that’s a feat
Eat roast beef on Sunday with these sprouts
Add potatoes then be hit by doubt
Scruples make me ill and I shall die
Wondering if I really killed that fly
We’ll end the world by global trade and flights
Use the petrol well, it may ignite
Why not stay at home and write a poem
Sitting in the garden while bats roam
After reading sonnets I have vowed
To read a special poem a day outloud
Sylvia Plath made her late poems for this
Writing well, her agony, her bliss
So we reach the end of life on earth
Those who find the ruins won’t feel much mirth
We died because expansion can’t go on
The balloon explodes, the clever science, the don
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I wonder why he married you?
Why do we have roast beef on Sundays?
So mother can clean the oven while we go for a walk in the park?
I say, what thick lips you have!
Is that a compliment or an insult?
Gosh,clever too
For Xmas he gave me lavender wax polish and a new duster
I gave him an insult
For my birthday he gave me silk scarf.He’s never noticed I don’t wear scarves, bracelets and dangly earrings.
I wonder why he married you?
So does he.
I got so angry,I said I suggest you marry a man next time.Someone as obnoxious as you.
He said, it’s a sin
Well, think how I feel.
He loved dripping.He bought a new car just to drive around Essex seeing if the butchers sold beef or bacon dripping
Then what?
He died of blocked arteries.They were worse than the North Circular before the M25
What about the car?
Is that all you can think of when I have lost my husband?
Well, you should have eaten all the dripping yourself
What!Murderess.You wish I’d died first?
It might have stopped a lot of arguments
Shooting every one in Britain would have stopped brexit
Except for the gunmen
The EU would not want them.
What’s logic got to do with it?
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Feel the loving sun and kiss the bees
I wish that I could be inside a tree
To put my entire body in its form
To feel the sun and wind and hear the bees
I’d like my hands to dance as flexibly
As birds move through the air, as rises dawn
I wish that I could feel myself a tree
I’d love my garden sweetly, ardently.
I’d love each single daisy on the lawn
I’d feel the sun and wind and hear the bees
But would a holly want to be just me?
Oh, poor tree that walks about forlorn
I wish that I could turn into a tree.
Perhaps a cat that sat upon my knee
Would mioaw inside my home by dust deformed
She would love the sun and wind and hear the bees
When I change,I’ll keep you all informed
You may hear me singing in the Storms
I wish that I could dwell within a tree
Feel the loving sun and kiss the bees
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For love seeks not to prey
Soft corns,blisters,hard corns and toe nails
Ankle socks and stockings, tights and boots
Cover up the wounds with dressings white
Put your feet up, rest by doing nought
Skin so thin it frightens me to think
All I am finds boundary just here
Yet our heart and soul can contain more
Spreading like a shawl on loved ones dear
We cast our love like fishers cast their rods
Not too sure of what will take the bait
A simile so poor I blush bright pink
For love seeks not to prey but rather waits
Across the entire world the hate runs wild
Bleach your brain , don’t poison with your smile
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They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily
-
Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.
My, this bed is much too hard,he thought.
He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.Emile was lying on Stan’s stomach purring.
You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see mice better.
Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.
How can I get up from here?
He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia Plath and banged on his desk softly.
Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
Then he rolled over and I fell out.That is logically and scientifically mad,Mary told him.
Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?
It is against the law of gravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
I like it down here,the old man lied to her optimistically.
Rubbish,Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my aged husband out of bed.
How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.
How do you feel now Stan,she enquired tying her red polyester fleece dressing gown a bit tighter before the paramedics arrival
I am thirsty,give me some brandy,he ordered her politely as he was full of kindness
They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat
Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion.
Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to see the poor cat. Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
Bigger than what,he responded academically.
Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to lie next to your wife.
True,he replied but my wife is too large.I keep hoping she will lose weight.
I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
He’s not a Catholic ,I hope?
No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted implausibly.
That’s alright then.How do cats get to be Jewish anyhow?
It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
But how do you know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
No, it’s just he hates bacon and pepperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as a relic.Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried sadly.
God will not be very happy.
I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round the world.
Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
And so say all of us.
For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow.
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I apologise for loving you too much
I miss the cat and the newspaper
I apologise for loving you too much
We never learned to balance the see-saw
In modern times the lovers should go Dutch
Two lonely lovers with a single crutch
Each one having many curious flaws
I apologise for loving you too much
What ever did I do to merit touch?
Then I was too careless with the salt
In modern times the lovers should go Dutch
We should measure what we speak at lunch
Then we weigh the sentences that spilt
I apologise for loving you too much
Maths and stats are useful in the lurch
Equality of signs and numbers,bills
In modern times the lovers should go Dutch
,
Let the mouth be silent, keep quite still
Love is rarely used when writing Wills
I apologise for loving you so much
In modern times we lovers cannot touch
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The strange world of Stan
Art by Katherine
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.”
Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed bonny bosomed beauty told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“I dunno”
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
the door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“No,it’s not”
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.
”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noisy argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’d lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.
He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write 30 on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
I seem to manage the night.
And so shout all of us
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I forgave him everything last year
My brother kindly set my hair on fire
He stole my food from off the plate or floor
So for a man I had repessed desire
He took me fishing in a pond close by
I loved him very much,indeed adored
My brother madly set my hair on fire
We went in disused brick kilns, we were spies.
Of his company I never tired
Yet for new men I feel not much desire
Now his time has come and soon he’ll die
I forgave him everything last year
His voice is weak, he thanked me and I cried
I did not plan forgiveness nor to lie
“God ” filled me with love , our lives restored
Yet for new brothers I feel some desire
Who left Daddy’s matchsticks near my boy?
He could not know he would destroy my hair
My brother hurt me, set my hair on fire
We choose to love until we both expire
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Throw your money into a black hole
The sky is yellow ochre tinged with grey
The sun is gone and we felt stark dismay
We can’t meet friends in person any more
Only shout as we stand by the door
I think the source of Covid is just cash
Money laundered less, the notes unwashed
The coins are black as coal in devil’s claws
Don’t leave the tip that kills , nor money gnaw
I used to suck a shilling while I worked
I tapped my fingers where it would not hurt
But now the sight of pounds makes me feel sick
Never use old notes nor lovers lick
Throw your money into a black hole
You may starve but this will save your soul
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Boris Johnson raised up from the dead
The Tower of Babel fell down in the night
The people spoke but noone could reply
We cried out but noone listened then
Nor did we salvage much from wrecked Big Ben
Boris Johnson raised up from the dead
His pleasures once , pre- flu, lay in the bed
He spread his seed about so it’s no boast
To bear his child nor feed him Sunday roast
He will lead the country out of sin
His brilliant way: to stop us logging in
No more one click books or toys for sex
No more screws and curtain rails to fix.
Ah now enjoy the peace of empty space
Yet we grieve for lack of an embrace
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Daniel writes a litter
Dear Malcom
I ‘m surrey it iz zoo long since we had a feel to gather.I whoop that hence the -pan-de- mer-gimmick is covert ,we can go to the Zoo and flee the wild terminals in fractions that is a rational protection
I am still preaching topology and Harry’s bottle for Beginners with a hint of Jeremiah
I don’t know why I lather.Even Newton did not under scan infinitesmals and how revealing they might be in baiter years.
My sister had a chip replacement lately.I don’t relieve the terrain was unwearable
She is merry stoical, I have churned a lot from hair
I have to phone pandemonium and they take me to B and Q or some preliminary stage where I am triaged by a hearse before a doctor examines me
The adrenalin aches and I crunch my vertabrae.I do Su Doku to concede the drain I am in but improving my gestures would be bitter
I tried the Times Crossword but I flout even Dirac would have diminished it in a day
So now I am heating my crutch as I am angry
Hope to key you on Zoom soon
With last wishes
Daniel and his lion Ariel
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For men may come and men may go,
Dr Smith that lucky man.
Had a wife called Mary Anne.
He gave her children twenty two.
How ever did this woman do?
She had many helping hands
To take her children on the sands.
They swam in batches in the sea.
And then she took them home for tea.
She had triplets,she had twins.
She even had one set of quins.
So loneliness was quite unknown.
And all were trained to use the phone.
She was a very sturdy wife.
She worked very hard at life.
But once a week she went to town
And looked at bags and evening gowns.
But Dr Smith did not go out.
He was dusting , have no doubt.
At night they went to bed and loved
Just like a pair of turtle doves.
In the morning she rose up
And made some tea in a big cup.
She had a tiny chunk of time.
For such a one,this is no crime.
We all need a peaceful break,
To sit by our own inner lake.
To see the fish and watch the sun
As gold and glowing up it comes.
So if you have many children too,
Take heart from this small tale.
She took her time to meditate…
And her heart never failed.
For men may come and men may go,
and likewise children too.
You need to have some free “me time.”
Whatever else you do.
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Never write a letter full of spite
The consumer age is passing with the dead
I tried to shop again but Sainsburys have said
You can’t shop twice a week or twice a day
We will have to learn once more to play
Learn another language,read good books
Help another, teach them how to cook
Go outside and breathe the purer air
Write a poem and then write one with flair
Walk around the street when it is clear
Drink from cans filled up with freezing beer
Take a photo of a tree you like
Never write a letter full of spite
Surely we can gradually adapt
If we survive the madness and the traps
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I wish you had a bookcase in your head
I wish I were in Venice in a boat
My lover has just tried to kiss my goat
Why is love so pure a threat to men?
Tender feelings flow, I’m home again
Should I eat a pancake for my tea
I’ll text you when the boat is out at sea
I want a man who smells like apple pie
Oh,Lord send one here quickly or I’ll die
I did once see someone turn the other cheek
But now he has arthritis so he weeps
I wonder is it legal to keep sheep?
I’d like a small one near me as I sleep
Some get married, some still live in sin
I want a man who loves a wheelie bin
I cut the hedge with clippers, next my hair
Difficult as I have little there
I once taught Econometrics blind
The students passed, and then I lost my mind
I prefer topology to food
After that I might say something lewd
Did you ever laugh when fast asleep?
My husband was so merry so oblique
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Sugar in the tea
I’ve got no more rotten eggs
Well, is that not good?
I resent throwing fresh ones at politicians
Why not threw that cat’s litter?
Kittens!
Well, it is a tom cat
He probably has hundreds of children
That reminds me of Boris Johnson
I know he is partly Turkish
What’s that got to do with having children?
I was just passing a remark
His grandad was the son of an immigrant
I say, we should ban them
That’s extreme
What do you suggest?
We’ll only have Muslims and Jews
That is ridiculous
Why?
They also have lots of children
Let’s go back to eggs.
Do you want devilled eggs for your tea?
Where I come from we just put sugar in our tea.
How original!
We couldn’t afford real food unless the cat caught a hen
Then you hate foxhunters
Well, they don’t eat the foxes… it’s pure barbarity
Still, not as bad as the Holocaust and who tried to stop that?
I wasn’t born then
But you look like a Valkrie
Except I am not a maiden and is it my fault I jad golden hair?
Why not a maiden?
I got married 5 times.
Well, I admire your hope but not your experiences
Three were men and the last two were women
Next you will be marrying that cat
I hope I don’t have kittens!
Well, better than nothing
I am not sure about that
Never say never, again
What,never?
Miaow
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Keep on swimming
Constant rumination kills the soul
I never think and so I am more whole
I write the sentence down, just like I speak
I find my native tongue lets symbols leak
My mind is like a small holed metal sieve
I hope I shall be kind and will forgive
What remains is worthy of a place
As for my mistakes, I beg your grace
Some minds are deep,clear streams their thoughts like fish
Other minds are tortured ,spin and crash
Keep on swimming like the drowning frog
He turned the milk to butter as he trod
Do not linger long on cruel thoughts
Scruples come from Satan, he’s worth naught
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Weekly mail
Dear Dr Jones
Thank you for refering this delightful 98 year old lady to me
I have looked into her mouth and there is indeed a tumour
She denies any bleeding.
She denies any ulceration
She admits getting so anxious she ground her teeth and broke them
She denies suffering any pain
She refuses to take codeine linctus and sell it on the street
My verdict:
Guilty and almost sane
Sentenced to two scans and a follow up.Meanwhile I will keep her under surveillance and tell you where she goes at night.
Yours,Dr Gnostic.
BDS B CH. MA.PhD BA etc
Bribes accepted weekly
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Bitterly sweet lockdown
I confess to doing this funny little drawing ,Katherine
We loved each other lately life was sweet
Till lockdown ,isolation , iron walls
So we’ll have to speak .oh we’ll have to speak
From the opposite side of the street
We hoped we’d live a while before the grief
As we said on our long video calls
We loved each other, we loved to love each other
So our lives were bitterly sweet
We longed to touch, to hug , to kiss at least
But unlike cats we would not caterwaul
Now we’ll have to feel , oh, we’ll have to kneel
On the opposite side of the street
We may be wrinkled with bright yellow teeth
It has been known for both of us to fall
We love each other, yeah we love each other
For old age is not a defeat
We loved our neighbours, even those deceased
We’ve had hard times but none that bit so deep
How can we feel ,oha how can we feel
On the opposite side of the street?
I wanted you beside me when we sleep
I’ve even bought us fifty five new sheets
We love each other, yes, we love each other
So our life is succulent, sweet
But how can we touch, how can we keep in touch
From the opposite side of the street?
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If your aim is good
Why do people boil eggs?
They need to keep getting into hot water
Why do others fry eggs?
They want to make sure there is nothing live in there
And furthermore, why poach?
To annoy landowners.
Why are eggs so popular?
They can’t speak.
Eggs are used in baking, why?
They need to be useful
Can one egg be enough?
Yes, if your aim is good.
Can I live on eggs for a few days?
If you are very small and light
Can I eat just a few eggs for all my meals
Not the same ones.
Is bread a good idea for egg sandwiches?
It’s essential for any sandwich regardless
Is an egg good for the old?
The old what?
Can I polish the floor with eggs?
Dropped them again?
How about the chest of drawers
Who was he?
Why do people throw eggs at politicians?
Because they look so underfed, I imagine
But it’s a waste of money!
Views differ but rotten eggs will do or ones more than 5 weeks old
Can eggs last longer if coated in vaseline?
Longer than what?
Do hens grieve for their eggs?
I can’t take any more
Anymore what?
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Another misfake
I keep making spelling misfakes
At least you only made two there
Why, if we have fakes we also have misfakes
I see what you scream
So a genuine painting by Picasso is a misfake,I say
But you can’t just invent words.
Why not?
You’ve caught me on the hop
We do have a bathroom
Is there a WC?
Well, we don’t have earth closets inside a house
Why not?
It would ruin the foundations.
That shows building houses was the biggest mistake after eating the apple
To cut a long story short
Very short.
Meaningless in a very surreal sense
Well, that is the end of Today the Lockdown
They had no radios during the Plague
And so say all of us
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Hens don’t see the point
What do you say to 21 eggs?
Where are the other three?
Why do eggs come in boxes of six
Because hens can’t count past six!
Why do Sainsburys sell eggs in fifteens?
Their hens are more intelligent than the others
Will egg boxes be decimalised?
Hens don’t see the point
Why are eggs good for rubbing on the hair?
Because it takes longer to shampoo them out
How many eggs are in an omelette?
None,they are on the outside.
Is it a sin to steal eggs?
Yes, if they are human.
Are eggs used in warfare?
Their atoms are.
Can we measure the velocity and position of eggs?
No, but we feel it when they hit us
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Dusting books and washing garden gnomes
I am saving money locked at home
Whenever I go out I buy a drink
Not to mention books and garden gnomes
No bubble baths to cover me in foam
Lots more time to write and truly think
I am saving money locked at home
While I sleep, the elves and fairies roam
Putting dirty mugs into the sink
Dusting books and washing garden gnomes
Is Pope Francis locked down while in Rome ?
God looks down and even he might flinch
I will send the cash to help folk cope
Wisdom lies in libraries uncombed
Digital security’s a bitch
Not to mention research into gnomes
Might I disguise myself and be a witch
Can I do some magic and get rich?
I am saving money locked at home
Surrounded by my books and garden gnomes
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No gowns for NHS staff
If you are ill the nurses have no gowns
The doctors neither, nor a dressing gown
Don’t let them borrow yours ,all’s upside down
We can’t have naked people in the town
The government will rue this nudity
When Boris Johnson flies into a tree
We’ll see his valorous organ on TV
Whatever can the matter really be?
Why can’t the textile trade make us nighties
On the NHS most stuff is free
The towel laid across your aching knee
My BT Hub is dying can’t they see?
Oh, I feel shame I live in Sodom here
Gomarrah can’t be far behind,don’t leer
How my heart sings 