Category: humor

Stan makes the tea

 
New cats todayCats on the hill
 
Stan was cooking  tea that day,
While his wife went out to play.
He cooked a pie of frogs and cress,
He wanted  Mary to impress.
Stan was wearing his old clothes.
Where old clothes come from,no-one knows.
He meant to change when he was done,
So  they could have some fun.
But Anne his  mistress rang the bell,
Stan was so surprised he fell.
He hit his head upon the stove,
And his poor scalp turned blue and mauve.
Ring 999 and ask for Dave,
This man is old yet must be saved
The paramedic gave him glue
To stick together his old shoe.
Then he rubbed on arnica..
The head,oh horror, Guernica.
“Get the camera,take a pic.”
Stan was feeling rather sick.
“How can you use my wounds as art?
Rest assured I’ll take no part.”
He hit the camera with his stick,
And felled his mistress with a brick.
So now they’re in a mixed sex ward,
This experience can be shared.
They get their food at 3 am
Half for the ladies,half for the men.
The doctor asked them what went wrong.
Both of them had lost their tongues.
Neither  said what they had done!
Now their anger is all gone.
The moral of my myth is this:
Being unfaithful is not bliss.
Mistresses can be a pain,
Especially if they’re very vain.
And better not to look for love,
Except with cats or sweet white doves.
Let your neighbour love you less!
And don’t make comments on her dress.
As for voyeurs,keep a crutch.
Hit them hard, but not too much.
If they want a work of Art,
Tell them home is where to start.

Has a brick ever fallen on your head,Father?

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Pray Father,give me some washing.I’ve got some  Wikileaks and a new obsession.
Tell me more,my child.I am feeling bored.
I think someone has been inside my computer.
They can’t be human. so why worry?
Why not,Father?
Well, we are not thin enough to get into the computer.
Ah, they turn themselves into particles and come in with the current..
when it’s high tide.
Do you mean tied?
No,Father.I’ve not been reading that book.Fifty Blades All Gay
Neither have I but in the confessional I’ve heard it all and more.
And how does that make you feel,Father?
Why pay to read a fantasy when you can dream up your own?
Some are born dim… others become dimmer by choice
Well,any sins tonight,my dear?
I’m so sorry.I was planning to tell a lie but I forgot.
There’s a list of sins in the Missal…have you read those?
Yes,I’ve not tried most of them yet… though I just got a slight pang of anger
when a brick fell onto my head from a clear blue sky.
That’s natural anger,my child.but I feel it was odd for a brick to fall like that
Has a brick ever fallen on your head,Father.
Not yet but I’m only 97.I must buy a hard hat
Wow,you look much olde than 97 r.Are you longing to diet?
Why, is there no food in heaven?
I wonder who cooks if they eat up food
Maybe they live on manna.
Does God eat food?
That was one topic we never did in the cemetery.
Do you mean the seminary.
At my age, they are all one.
You have reached Nirvana….congratulations.
Well.I’d prefer a cup of tea.
You English!
What are you?
I’m a great Dane.
Did you say a grey Dane.
That too.
Well perk up;the show’s not quite over till the gnat really stings.
Do gnats eat string?
String… it’s my passion.Love it or mate it…get involved.
Live a little.
And for your penance… you must have a bath…
Why?
I don’t like the way you smell.
Well,I am a dog.. we like to sniff.May I borrow your hanky?
Definitely,I shall dry your tears for you and please try to commit few intriguing sins before you come back here.
I’ll wash it for you.And dry it out of doors
Well,it’s not over till that gnat gets its sting and the phone gets a ring

How to live like a Catholic

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1.Always   go fishing on Fridays even if you lose your job because of it
2.Put ash on your head on Wednesdays but where to get it? Burn the newspaper after reading it!
3.Go to Mass on Saturday night so you can have lie in on Sunday with your neighbour’s wife while he is at Mass
4.Nobody goes to Confession but why not be different.Sin now and be prepared
5.If you go  to church for purely social reasons  don’t tell the priests
6.If you were brought up a Catholic   it’s never too late to convert to Judaism.If they will have you!
7.We were told not to chew the wafer but if it is real bread  you can.You may choke otherwise and annoy the people by dying in public!Still, maybe they could make it a Requiem Mass.
8.Pray for whoever you like but don’t keep telling them
9.On Fasting days abstain and on Abstinence days forget.
10.Always drink a pint of Holy Water  before going to bed.
Bless my owl it’s Father Brown

How to misread the newspaper

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Photo1494

CurveFitting

This ban on legal thighs will only have one effect: more log related sex accidents
This span of legal lies will only have one defect: more frog related  salt errors
His hiss ran on legal wires until it affected the  breaks  for drug highs at call times.So he was de-tested and de-tested until he didn’t even see the test.Then he passed.
This pan caused more incidents in our home than any thighs,plates,eyes or disguised lies.

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I believed in ten of the best come-on lies of all time.
Call me nigh Eve but I’d never seen an organ before.We only had an electric piano on wheels at home
Was it a sin to take a magnifying glass on  a date?Who rues?
I relieved men of their best pies   since Euclid.
I grieved ten men by attesting to their size,lies and siges

If you are human like this lady

Islamic-Clothing-for-Womens

This is a telephone answering service.If you are human try meeting face to face.

Honesty can get very wounding so please take care about leaving a message after the tone

Silence and telephones are incompatible.I’m hanging up.

Why are you phoning?I saw you today.Please do not leave a message . I’m feeling moody

I can’t answer right now because I believe there is a demon in the handset.I’m calling the Parish Beast.

I have  given up answering the phone for three months.Write a letter with a pen.I love to see handwriting so I can find out your character using graphology.Annd it gives the postmen work.

I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.

I went to the doctor, he said I’d pre-flu.
I said “My dear doctor, what shall I do?”
Next time I went, he said “It’s pre- shock.”
And then I had pre measles,pre mumps and pre-pox
I ran to the doctor,he said ” You’re pre-well”
I said “Are you sure it’s not just a pre-quel?”
Next time I turned up,he’d gone out for a walk
It’s hard for a doctor who wants to pre-talk.
I went to the optician, who said I’m pre-blind
I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.
I went back to the doctor,and these words I said
“I’m pre -blind, pre-deaf,pre-ill and pre-dead!

Smoke all day and make sure that they’re tipped

Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped
New thoughts  help us  leap from out  the rut
Exercise  and kiss your  own red  lips

Smoke all day and make sure  your cigs  are tipped
Drink some whiskey,beer and grow  a gut
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped

Beat your walls and bedclothes with a whip
Move out now and buy  a hermit’s hut
Exercise ,why! Kiss  your lover’s lips

Walk ten miles and  write a thousand quips
Decorate your place with  smokey soot
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped

Go to port and snap the line of ships
Keep your chin up,even make it jut!
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped
Exercise   and kiss    a thousand lips!

The Fake District

If you want to die because you have a severe terminal illness I just though going onto the Quicksands in Morecambe Bay is easier than jumping off a cliff.Plus nobody would see your body.Be kind.Vanish!I used to be terrified of it as a child

Don’t miss:
Coniston old pan
Coniston Owl-Man
Passing Water
Vast Water.
Herd Rot Pass
Herod’s Rut Pass
Fools’ Water
Free Pen with.
Ken Daly
Boats for Rear.
Boots on Fire.
Anorak free zone
Amble Sideways.
Carl Aisle
Glass Mere
White Haven
Sidle  Water
Dare when Water?
Gulls Water.[real]
See Yellow?
No smooching with beer.
Bow Less on Windermere.Thank you
Range over Sands
Quicksand free  over there.Hurry.
Rowless  on  Crimson Lake
Marrow in Furnace.
Sorrow in Earnest
Gullivers Stone.
Feet Path
Sheep track daily.Be alert
Gentle Home.
Convent Harry
Welcome Bay
The Kent Actuary.
Burntside Knot Hair Stylist
Golden Dale
More Came
Cairn Forth
Len Caster.
Bath Right
Ink Umbria
Date Vale Motel and Best Room for Sin

Coping with peeling verse

Metaphor.. my meat and drink.
Although I’m known for quaffing ink.
I need to play with words on line.
But writing proper poems takes time.
And I have no time to waste,
so I write by copy and paste.
A line from Donne a line from Blake,
George Herbert  who-for goodness sake!
A bit of Shakespeare tossed and turned,
My poetry salads don’t yet earn.
Into the breach we’ll go dear friends
The Waste Land never seems to end.
To be or not to BBC ?
Shall we sometimes disagree?
Chaucer I have not yet read.
Is it good when one’s in bed?
Look,stranger,on this island now,
It’s illegal  for you to milk my cow.
And ,also, we do not roast  our geese.
Even when we have a feast.
Turning and turning in the gyre,
I think that church has got two spires.
The lake at Innisfree’s still there.
Is that where the Queen said prayers?
Who’d have thunk that Hughes and Plath
Never signed  their autographs.
I like her poem about a mirror.
Some of them are full of horror.
Lay your sleeping head, my love,
On a brick or turtle dove.
I’m too tired to kiss you now,
I’ll massage your back  and then I’ll bow.
The bed’s too small for all of us
I suggest Someone tries the bath.
If you put a duvet in
I believe  you are your twin
When did Herriot plough the fields?
Was Dover Beach where my skin peeled?
I forgot to put my sunscreen on,
Off they all go one by one.

Try cheese scones and  buttered frogs
My old man’s gone to the Gods.

 Acts of blindness unmind us

The Urn Burns (All Souls Procession)

The Urn Burns (All Souls Procession) (Photo credit: cobalt123)

Soul Music (novel)

Soul Music (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Father Brown stories by G. K. Chesterton, ...

The Father Brown stories by G. K. Chesterton, Penguin Books edition 1981 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You blot bummed bastard.You bit my bat on its blue bed and brought bread with no butter on it.I am bellowing to be sure you cannot bet on my blog being here for you to bait me with your blistering so called “criticisms”.
Get on board or I’ll beach you forever.Why Bless my bowl,it’sFather Brown.
Hello Father,I am blaming this bigot for berating my blog.
Don’t keep bad mouthing these Bible bashers.They have nothing better to woo.
A beautiful young lady would put them in the bin if she had any barbarism left in her.The inner child is now the inner bear… wild,beguiled and blooming like a buttercup
By the way,I can see your butt.Your zip is not buttoned!Shall I pass a bit of glue over?.
I feel so blue I don’t care if my butt shows.But ladies may be embarrassed
so do button me up.It’s bloody kind of you to bother with a bloke like me.
I am on bail you know for omitting acts of blindness,ignoring black  soled neighbors…I refer to their only  souls.I have been gifted to see inside you and I see your soul is in a glass bowl.What if it breaks into shards of glass?
Don’t keep blathering on.I have a bone to pick with the blacksmith…. about his brother.I am bemused
Don’t let me bother you.I am bone idle myself but accept your kisses willy nilly
Billy! Be off,you bloody bonkers bloke.Never look black,back or  better

Related articles

Mary may date online but her shoes are no good

Annie the nubile ex-mistress of Stan   and colour fancying neighbour  of Mary has persuaded Mary that as Stan has run away she should find someone else.Mary is doubtfulIMG_0012First of all,Annie cried,you need some brand  new  delicate shoes.No man will be charmed by those chunky ,comfy flatties.Nor do your socks show sophistication.Though a farmer might be happy with themShe herself wore a pink tweed suit and some high heeled boots in purple patent leather over a blue silk  pair of socks.
Well,Mary,answered,I thought I should be myself because they might be annoyed being tricked.I would be.
That’s their  problem said Annie  somewhat rudely.
Well.where do I get the sort of socks a man would like,if indeed all men are the same in that way?
I’d stick with silky black ones,said Annie kindly.Then some smart black pumps.That simplifies  life.
But if I look at Soul-mates online the men will not know what shoes I have got on nor socks
That’s true,said Annie.At least until you meet one if you ever do.
Anyway if it is called Soul-mates,why does my body matter?
Don’t be so literal,dear.You know it’s just a way of indicating they want a lover.
Well.in that case it’s my lingerie that matters more than my shoes.
See here,said Annie bossily.With those shoes and socks nobody will want to see your lingerie.

LeatherOTKboots179.99

Just as well ,said Mary calmly.I don’t have any.
Are you telling me  you have no  underwear on,Annie cried with shock in her tone.Your trousers will need washing more often!!
I am wearing some woollen vests and underpants I got for Stan,Mary said shyly.I like wool.
What do you think a man will assume if you wear that?
That I can’t afford to have the fire on,Mary  queried timidly.
He might think you are transgender.
I have heard of transcendence but not transgender,Mary admitted ruefully.I did used to have  a purple bra, she continued distractedly.
Anyway, what about my learning and job  as a maths prof?
Don’t put  anything about maths on the form.They hate clever women.
Surely they are not all the same,Mary answered.Mary Archer is very clever and she’s been married 50 years
You can’t generalise from one example ,Annie informed her statistically
How about my love of Wittgenstein?Shall I mention it?
If you wear men’s woollen underwear and love a  dead,gay philosopher it will cut down the pool of men available.
I don’t think I’ll bother,Mary whispered.I don’t like fishing.I’d rather have a cup of tea.
Really.said Annie.I don’t know why you decided to try this.
I never did it was you.I am quite happy as I am given the dangers of this world.
And so say most of us.Amen.

 

In heaven I’ll be whole

The sun is shining brightly
Shall I sit by the pool?
No,I always live my  life by
Rigid personal rules.

Last week’s unruly weather
Let rain fell down in spools
I might have had the heating on;
Oh,those rigid personal rules.

Wear a dress from Mayday
Wear  coats when winter’s cool
Only wash your hair on weekends
That’s a personal rigid rule

But,Ma ,my hair is oily
The girls all point in school.
Don’t be such a  cry baby
Don’t  be such a fool.

Ma,I’ve done my homework
I’m top of all my year!
Can I have an hour alone?
She thwacked me on the ear.

I was her little puppet
And she controlled my strings
Till I caught my Guardian angel
And I stole her sturdy wings.

Well,Ma died  half my life away
But  she is now a ghoul
Watching me so patiently
With her chart of rigid rules.

She didn’t leave me no money
She didn’t leave me no jewels.
She just left me a message
All my rules are  yours.

I cried ,Holy Moses
She is worse than God
She made rules for everything
From  love to  boiling cod.

Don’t bath when you’ve your period
Don’t let your brothers see
You are now a woman
But  you’re still under me

I think I’ll leave those rules behind
And if it makes me fear
God will send a devil round,
I’ll hit  him with this spear.

Flexible  our bodies
Flexible our minds
We must climb the mountain
And leave those rules behind.

Following personal rules
Can make us feel secure
But  our vocation calls to us
And cares not if we’re   pure.

Steal  and purloin all you need
From books and people too.
Follow your own calling
While you share our human zoo.

And share your learning freely
Give as well as take
Oh,my Lord ,I see some men
Carrying a stake.

They are going to burn my body
But they can’t touch my  soul
Wrap me well in flax,  my dear.
In heaven ,I’ll be whole

Where nude police with guns strut stiffly by.

He says we’re going to bed this afternoon
As melancholy  clouds  droop from the sky
I like the sun to  fry, to heat my womb

I like the flowers each with its  dull dead blooms
On burning   grass with him, I sinned to  fly.
He says we’re getting bail this afternoon

If there is no sun, there is no  moon.
If  we cannot stalk, then we can lie.
I out my sins  to  thrive, to bring  down Rome

I    scorn the  beach, where Europe showed it’s ruined
Nude starched police with guns strut  stiffly by.
He says we’ll have  the climax   S & hemmed,

I sing in tunes invented by my clones
I would be dumb  yet how the grey ghosts sigh
I  hear the sunbeams screaming in the Zone

 

If  it’s   very hot I have  clothes my own
Burkinis  are  the   big hits of today
They says we’re going to Jail this afternoon
I  hope that God will speak  and  throw us down

Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet!

 

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Every cloud its silver lining has
Get your sheets white using mega Daz
Finders may be keepers in some hands
I keep my hair on with elastic bands.

Whiskas cat food’s  quite enough for me
The cat eats  all my dinner  in the tree
Remember  not to roll on mossy banks
Rolling stones may tumble on your flanks

I had a bird in my hands just the once
My parents looked at this and ,cripes, they winced
They made my punishment fit my so called crime
So now I live free doing my own Time   [jail in UK]

Too many cooks can spoil my broth today
For soup’s unsuitable in summer gay.
I’m marrying a   clever maid who’s also sweet
Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet!

You may be cutie pie and like free love
But I prefer an eagle to a   dove
Yet love  needs payment , even  round the bend
In the end  lies the beginning  of the penned

How to make your poetry worse.Part 1

Write in form but make sure the lines don’t scan
Iambic pentameter

I love my love with all my human heart
I    bake Dan apple tart
I love his wicked  face and legs
I love to cook him  loads of scrambled eggs

Use cliches as often as possible

CLICHED POP UP

Every cloud its silver lining has
Get your sheets white using mega Daz
Finders may be keepers in some lands
I keep my hair on with elastic bands.

 

Whiskas cat food’s  quite enough for me
The cat eats  all my dinner , while I wee
Remember  not to roll on mossy banks
As rolling stones may gather on your flanks

I had a bird in my hands just the once
My parents looked at this and made me wince
They made my punishment fit my so called crime
So now I live free doing my own Time   [jail in UK]

Too many cooks can spoil my broth today
For soup’s unsuitable in summer gay.
I’m marrying a   clever maid who’s also sweet
Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet

You may be cutie pie and like free love
But I prefer an owl to a  soft dove
Yet love  needs payment , even in the  end
In the end is the beginning  of the penned

 

Dinner tonight

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Starters

Marmite jelly
Melon and nape salad
Avocado pair  in  shoot
Carrot and Roisin salad
Jew’s carp in olive oil and lemon dressing

Main

Farmer’s liver and peasants’  unions fried in dripping
Grief stew with Jersey rotators
Lamb crops with mushed rooms and potato flakes
Lasagne and chips with Efra’s  genes.
Vegetarian salted  and  foiled with butter with bacon
Nut and spider loaf with  green ballad
Chef’s hat stuffed with nuts and raisins in whiskey

Dessert

Cat mousse with whipped scream.
Lemon rice with bastard
Apple tart and gay harlot.
Volvo tyre in cream sauce
Chocolate iced cake  fried in  rum batter
Fresh fruit in belly with half cream ice to follow

She loved her adverb more than me

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My wife has left me for an adverb.
I don’t know which one it is!
Is it slowly,quickly, nearly?
Life should not be like a quiz.

She told me that she “nearly” loved me,
When “dearly” was what I had hoped.
Life is full of lost illusions…
How do deserted people cope?

I think I should have kept it secret,
For now I sit and sadly grieve.
Do you think my wife is cruel?
What a strange excuse to leave!

Would she leave me for a pronoun?
Would she leave for a full stop?
Would I leave you for a quote mark?
Would I fall into a dot?

Come back,darling for I love you.
I have learned I must take care.
I will go for grammar lessons.
I am sure I can learn flair!

We can write a poem together,
You can choose the topic,dear.
I will hold my pen and write for
They say true love drives out fear.

Did I fear her? Did I love her?
Was she worthy of my heart?
Did she dislike my hairy nostrils?
Was that why we had to part?

Come back Mary,come back Mavis.
Come back Sunny, come back Sue
Without my wife I feel quite lonely.
What is a poor man to do?

I admit I was unfaithful.
God made men to procreate.
Yet I loved my wife the best…
And how I loved her homemade cake

We dare

George Boole's House and School, Lincoln, UK
George Boole’s House and School, Lincoln, UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Loose in the fields of green…
Oh, my own lover!
He was such a bold flirt;
with his love unclaimed,
he could recite George Boole
he was one of the old Cool.
He never reached his goal.
so with my bling and some flair
I hoped he’d open the enchanted bud
To the music of his lyre.
I’ll pray this for him:
that he should find what he wreaks
and write it down with a stylus.
Really he is the allurement of angels
He was my epiphany
Make it up, as the clocks clang..
It’s not really you…it’s just an affliction.
I can do nothing for my calves
It’s because of all the punning I did once.
I can’t even lump a stone over a wall now.
My arms are as weak as Trojans.
I never suffer viruses to be declassified.
Like I said,just wink and say a prayer..
In God we dare.

Par 4 The Coarse

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Miss Anne  Thrope -Argentina
D.Luded       -England
D.Mented.- Ireland
Wyse Beyond-Words. -France
Miss Cal Culated      -Hong Kong
Mel Anne Colly- USA
Deep Li De-Pressed.-China
Parr-Annoyed [Mrs]- England
P.Annic Attack – Washington
B.Adman- USA
Iam Sictodeath- UK
Diss Ordered-Mined -UK
Piece O’Mined. -Eire
Can-Ned Slurp.-UK

That immigrant from Argentina

I shall be praying on my piano  all day then preying on you
Prelude to  her fugue
Feeble concerto for viola with extra large stark gestures
The New World’s emmpathy.
60  beckons by Ian Gage
Folk songs wrung nightly
Old Saxon songs set for spinster with  Jew’s harp ,complete with original  blue number tattoo as  worn in Da Cow.Few  remains
Burning our hiking  boots, acconpanied by rockets and kettle drums
Don’t dig for me,Sergeant  Tina, sung by Aldous Huxley
All Mozart’s Twinsets.
Recollections and prayers led by The Immigrant from Argentina

 

I’m not going outside to play.

Kerfuffle,kerfuffle,I feel very ruffled
The dog’s in the manger today
Kerfuffle,my duffel,my thoughts are  still muffled
I don’t know what I  ought to say.

Carfuffle is Scots and  it stifles my hots
The dog has gone out for its pay
My man bought a gun and I heard a loud shot
I ‘m not going outside to play.

Commotion,demotion I hate all  emotion
I’m as cold as an iceberg  depraved.
My man is a liar,the church lost its spire
Now we must have  false delays/

What a word is  to me, it may not  be to thee.
That’s all I wanted to say.
I’ll go to the city and find what I see
Then somebody else must  make pay

A tax on sin or on grammar

I started writing “conversations” and similar writing  a few years ago.Sometimes a word keeps coming into my mind,like “syntax” which rhymes with sin tax”I usually make them humorous.But I never know what I am going to come up with.Sometimes I use “play on words”,sometimes I use an approach based on my emotions or feelings about past experience such as a 7 year old child being prepared for their first Confession…. something which can be agony for the sensitive.Another use could be to discuss something painful with yourself…Humour is the way I tend to travel.Try it.Take a walk with yourself.And enjoy it for me…I am listening to you.

Shoes
Shoes

She said she never knew what syntax was until she met me.

Well,you do look worn out by your sins.
How do you know they were sins?
Well,you went to Confession twice a week all your life
That was my scruples.Sometimes I went twice a day…
It sounds like having an upset stomach.
In my case it was an upset soul.The soul emptied out and hung out on the Maginot line
Eventually I realized virtue is not attainable by Will Power alone
How is it attained… won’t power?
I knew you’d say that!
That!
Anyway to get back to syntax,it’s about structure.
Like council tax?
Words fail me
That’s good.I meant tax on a building
You seem very rude today
It’s not just today,I’m like this all the time.
I never noticed before
You only met me tonight
That’s almost true..now syntax is a very important topic.
Are we on a date or are you giving grammar lessons free?
No,I have Wasperger’s Syndrome.It’s as if I have Asperger’s but I sting too.
When do you sting
When people say sharp things to me.
Go on,you’re just needling me..
Truly I think you’ll love syntax and spelling rude words.
Well,we’ve had santax for years.Women pay VAT of 20 per cent on Tampax
It’s enough to make me throw up
No,throw out!Throw out the Coalition Government
Do you think Labour will remove Santax?
I don’t know but at least you’ll learn how to do percentages with them
I will?
Thank you so much.I am delighted to hear that.We are engaged.Here is a ring.
That’s beautiful.Was it your mother’s?
It still is my mother’s.
How can I wear it when she might see it?
I’ll tell her I liked hers so much I got one the same.She’s got poor vision so don’t worry.After the Wedding I’ll give it back
How mean.
I never knew you liked statistics.What about deviance?
Well,some I like,some I don’t… you catch my drift?
Well,babe,I’ll explain everything when we lie together.
That makes us sound like the government.
How come?
They all lie together.
Do they really.That explains a lot.Do they come together often?
I guess they have a rota.
You can’t come by will power.
That’s good.I want to come in a a horse and carriage.
It might frighten the horses.
I mean to our Wedding ceremony
Do you want four horses?
I am not that heavy!
No,I want you to have it all.
Suppose it’s not enough.
We’ll have to play it by ear..
Is that the organ?
Well,it’s a kind of organ.
A harmonium?
Maybe..I’ll ask the priest.
Does he play?
No,he just hears confessions and says Mass.
It’s a pity confession secret.He could write a long novel.
I daresay some have…. with pseudonyms.
I use a wordprocessor… should I get a pseudonym too?
You are crazy but I love you with all my heart.
And is it big?
Big enough for two.
Thank you,God.

 

For sale

 

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1.Archimedes’ bath with hot and cold running water.
2.Eureka’s dressing gown size 118
3. A catapult plus free Brighton rock
4.15,000 English novels most by Nicholas Freeling and  other expatriates
5.Plato’s cave with aluminium age  drawings on the walls.
6.A cloud with golden lining
7.Rotating shoes will turn you towards the sun all day
8.!12 bottles of sunscreen  and a large black hat suitable for Hasidic Jew or English woman or Russian wolf.
9.Sheepskin rug covered in dried muesli free to  first arrival.
10.Ventriloquist’s mummy  in working order despite 40 years in a very small desert.

How to annoy people

photo1137 hhhhyy

 

1.Never offer visitors a cup of tea or any other drink
2.Never look at people while you are listening to them
3.Always ask them why they go to the library  so often especially if their partner is present
4.Always ask why they don’t carry a camera all the time like you do
5.Always ask why they  do or don’t  have an i phone.
6.Always  ask if they use  he well known  cookery book  “Left over for tomorrow” by Marika Hanbury Tenison.
7.Take them to Mc Donalds for their dinner.
8.Wash up in between courses while entertaining.Sing as well.Feed the cat and go to the loo before offering pudding.Use the coffee set your in laws gave you.
9.At 9 pm go to bed.Ask them to shut the door when they leave then get up and write your first novel.Then go to bed again.
10.Take a lumia selfie and make it into a poster and ask all your friends  what they think.

Don’t detention smut

Yoo No,a clot of filk here dislake the MsLim women wearing a veil over  there fices..But luuk at it thas woy.. will they get skin cancer?  Will they get a melanoma?Don’t  detention thet to mee…boy,have I wuffered!
Do they wurry about bed hur days?Does chemotheropy  make other English fowk even sodder as we cen all cee they are bald? Why,my nayboor was stared at.
You sea,it’s quote sansible, reelly… trust  schemes a bit eerie tolking to someone who’s  tooth is hidden.,Still it waves on lipstacks and lip glossies and other expansive items of make it all up.
So look out for my new Elfie…after I go  somewear were they sell these torments for women.
I just wish other  English women wore a dense veil over their orifices.

Wisdom

  • Chiffchaff_1A bird that you set free may be caught again, but a word that escapes your lips will not return.
  • A mother understands what a child does not say.
  • A pessimist, confronted with two bad choices, chooses both.
  • As he thinks in his heart, so he is.
  • As you teach, you learn.
  • Do not be wise in words – be wise in deeds.
  • Don’t be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don’t be bitter, lest you be spewed out.
  • Don’t look for more honour than your learning merits.
  • First mend yourself, and then mend others.
  • He that can’t endure the bad, will not live to see the good.
  • If charity cost nothing, the world would be full of philanthropists.
  • If not for fear, sin would be sweet.
  • Make sure to be in with your equals if you’re going to fall out with your superiors.
  • Not to have felt pain is not to have been human.
  • What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.

Read more at http://quotes.yourdictionary.com/articles/funny-jewish-sayings.html#VJ6PygiAu8ZJeKoL.99

A state which cuts off love and grace.

A hermit fell in love with my face
Can a problem  like this be embraced?
He looked at  my eyes
Till he was advised
Staring too much causes rage.

The real problem is hermits need space
They prefer distance to an embrace.
So they live in a dream
A  fantasised   scene.
A state which cuts off  love and grace.

Like an animal  once subject to abuse
They wander on the edge as they muse
We must look at them slantwise
Not argue when they fantasise
Run away when they blow their own fuse.

 

Blessed are the pacemakers

Blessed are the pacemakers
Confessed are the race haters
Brevity is the sole  remit
Levity is the soul of wit
Business before Heather
Quizz-less made more bother
Caesar’s life must be above  derision
Tease her wife .Most see above division
Carped and died ’em
Parked and fried them
Pluck the clay
Good luck can pay
Freeze the day
Cheese says,nay
Charity ruined in Rome
Hilarity tunes the phone
Cheats never  crossed here
Seats forever tossed near
Children should be seen and not  stirred
Children on the scene  cannot purr
Cold hands, warm start
Gold bands form  heart
Companions were melodious
Comparisons with phobias
Discount  on your blessings?
Miscounted on the dressings
Crime doesn’t  play
Sublime but cannot play
Cut your coat to suit your wrath
Put your coat on ,boots on top,
Dead men tell no whales
Fled men gelled her sales
Devil takes the hinds purse
Discretion is the wetter part of malheur

Her wits have been tried and found haunting.

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Photo by Mike Flemming

I like reading on a cylinder…she prefers a kindle.It takes all ports!

I like to do the worst things first.

He let a wish out for a saunter round his mind then he submitted to temptation

I’m as with it as  a diamond ringing

Are you fit enough to be hung out to dry and maligned?

Her wits have been tried and found haunting.

She fits me like a love.

He fits like a brand from heaven above.

Is he as flash as a cat with a golden fleece?

I have only flashed a pan… it was a humane error.

My belly is as flat as a rugby players knee.

I wish I were reciting  a Xmas cracker.

She’s very sweet footed..always an asset in this day of ragen

I only wanted to be flung onto the bed not out of your window..I’m not into SM and never will be.

His hip hops and his mind flops.

I’d like to whip you some cream,kid.

Can you spell the word ,Hoarse? Oh,of course,what’s it’s source?

Have you no ad voice?

My humor is ill today.

Washing the sheets

Bands of rhyme will be crossing the UK tomorrow.. streams of poetry will bring rain in the eyes.
Season’s Tweetings to Sinners
Shadow of the whole silence is folding over like an envelope.Post it now
The spice of wife..pepper.
Hop around the roses
It’s best to saunter nowadays.~
When inside out, a cat can still scratch.. with its reversible cat-claws.Try one tonight.Just unzip the cat and it will spring into the heir…to the throne or is it the air all round
Until the end of all rhymes I’ll be loving you
Time feels all wounds…and holes
Maps of the iceberg have melted..
Two hearts that beat as none ever did.
I wait for the lime to be ripe then it will be a lemon.
If you have a man,wash him weekly in a tin bath…don’t blame me if you get drawn in…..mate in the bath … saves washing the sheets.